Mother dislikes my fiance

LegacyUser

Hi guys,
I'll keep this short. I'm not sure what I am looking to hear on this, just some advice on how to balance it all.

I'm 30 years old and got engaged about a month ago. I love him to bits and he loves me, we have our ups and downs but I am happy. I should be excitedly planning a wedding but I'm not. I'm planning for the 2 of us to go abroad and get married and then have a party when we come back. Why? Because my mother doesn't like him.

Why doesn't she like him? I don't know, she can't even say herself. Although I know she thinks he is not good enough. I'm a teacher, he works in construction. She'd prefer I was with another teacher or the like. The first time she met him she told me he 'looks like a knacker'. I was horrified, he is so handsome and takes such pride in his appearance I couldn't understand where she got this from. We have been together 2 and a half years and she has met him 3 times. The second time she told him 'you're growing on me' (we live a few hours from my parents) I was so hurt for him. My dad is easy going and once I'm happy he's happy and makes no fuss. He keeps the peace. I'm an only child btw.

I dreaded telling her I was engaged, was almost apologetic. She never really asks about him when I visit or I find it uncomfortable to talk about him with her. It is like if I don't talk about him he doesn't exist in her eyes.

He is a wonderful man and my heart is breaking. Why can't she just accept him. I would have been quite close to her but this is a strain on our relationship. She knows I waited a long time to meet a man like him and now this. I told her we were going abroad to marry because I couldn't handle the stress of her feeling uncomfortable around him. She thanked me and said sorry for all this but she can't help it. I'm so hurt and angry, I will lose out on my big day because of this. He thinks I want to go abroad and he is doing it to make me happy. Nobody knows. I can'r even tell my close friends because it breaks my heart too much. I am wondering if she will even put her own feelings aside for the party when we get back.

What will she do when we have a baby? The baby and I will be ok but he won't? I have to face this for the rest of my life, dividing myself. I've told her this and she has no acceptable answer. I know he knows how she feels but he would never say and that breaks my heart even more. I can't imagine how he feels.

She won't ever change so I guess what I need is advice on how to cope. How do I deal with this? Has anyone been in this situation?

Thank you

Big Bag of Chips

Your mother doesn't have to like him. You love him and that's all that matters.
You're not going to live close to her, your not going to have to depend on her for anything, so you don't need her to like him.

What you should do though is tell her to stop commenting on him. Don't talk to her about him. Don't discuss anything about him. And if she starts commenting anything negative about him tell her to stop.

Tell her you have made you decision. And while you accept that she may never like him, she has to accept, and respect, that you love him. You would not expect her to listen to people bad mouthing your dad, so you are not going to listen to her badmouthing your fiancé.

She can't really dislike him though if she has never really met him. Meeting him 3 times, isn't enough. It's just old fashioned snobbery with her, in my opinion. I understand that it is uncomfortable for you to bring them together, but maybe point out to her, that she can't possibly not like him, because she doesn't know him. And until she makes a real and genuine effort to get to know him (without any digs at him) that you are not willing to discuss it with her anymore.

And have your wedding here, if that's what you honestly want. If she doesn't want to go that's her decision! I bet she will though - and if you handle it properly she will be on her best behaviour, because she will not want to risk being told to stay away and have all the relatives and neighbours talking about her!

So short answer to how do you deal with it... Stand up for yourself, and tell her to stop! You don't need her blessing or approval.

Merkin

Congrats on your engagement!!

If both you and your fiance want to get married in Ireland then do just that. It's such an important day which you will hold dear so don't deprive yourself of that because of your Mother's issues. I think she is being incredibly unfair and desperately selfish.

dixiefly

I agree. Decide what you want and go for it.

You may find that your fiancé and your mum become closer in the lead up to the wedding. It is your one wedding. Plan it as you would want and don't let your mums dislike influence things to that extent

OkayWhatever

Congratulations on your engagement!!

I sorta know how you feel. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past 2 and a half years. I'm 20 and he's 21, so we're both young, but we're both in it for the long run and it's blatant to everyone how happy we are together!

But his dad just can't see how good we are together. He just totally dislikes me, for some reason that's unknown to me.

I feel unwelcome in his home and know better than to try talk to him because I know i'll get a one word answer or a grunt.

I'd never let it come between my boyfriend and I though. As a previous poster said you need to stand up for yourself. Tell your mam that you're engaged because you've every intention of staying together for the long haul, and she needs to accept it or it's going to cause some serious problems.! Although, I don't think you should even have to explain yourself!

You should be delighted that you're engaged, not feeling apologetic! And you definitely shouldn't feel the need to have to get married abroad! If you're happy your mother should be too, and support you in any decisions you decide to make. Your happiness should come before anything she's feeling, and you need to make sure that you put it first too.

Beruthiel

howdoideal wrote: »

I dreaded telling her I was engaged, was almost apologetic.

Time for you to grow a back bone OP.

Your mother has crossed the line. Big time.
Now, it is up to you to put her in her place.
Tell her that she can either accept your man, keep her opinions on him to herself and be polite or she will be seeing a lot less of you.

My own mother cannot stand one of my sisters fella.
My sister does not know this, why?
Because my mother wants to keep her relationship with her daughter.
This is something your mother clearly has not learned, therefore you will have to teach her.
I wouldn't dream of saying such hurtful things to my own daughter about her choice in partner.
If she is happy, that's all that matters and the future will bring what it brings.

So, you have allowed this to go on for too long OP, be up front with your mother and tell her straight that he is no longer up for discussion.
After that, get up and leave the room if she starts again.

CaraMay

howdoideal wrote: »

I told her we were going abroad to marry because I couldn't handle the stress of her feeling uncomfortable around him. She thanked me and said sorry for all this but she can't help it.

You have nobody to balme for this but yourself. You deal with this by acting like a grown up. If I were your fiance I would hate to think we were going away abroad to get married to please your mother. If you think about it, you are lying to him. You have led him to believe you want a wedding abroad, with only the 2 of you, and he is going with it to keep YOU happy but in reality its a big fat lie. This level of dishonesty is hardly a good start to wedded life???/
*


You are, whether you know it or not, putting your mother first in this relationship and ahead of your fiance. You want a wedding at home but you are going away to hide the fact that your Mother has no manners and doesnt know how to behave. Who is suffering? Your fiance.

You really need to grow a backbone and put your fiance first. If my OH put his mother before me, he would be gone.

ManOfMystery

I agree with the other posters OP.

If your fiance had done something wrong, or it was a huge clash of personalities, I could understand the animosity from your mother. But it sounds like she has no good reason to dislike other than snobbishness on her part. As such, I see no reason why you should be amending your wedding plans just so you can avoid any situations with her. By doing that you are effectively enabling her behaviour and allowing it to continue.

You're an adult and it's time to behave like one. You need to tell your mother where you stand, and that unless she knows something you don't, it's time she reassessed her own behaviour towards your fiance. They never have to be best buddies, but there is no excuse for her not to treat him with a little bit more hospitality and respect if he's a good guy and makes you happy. How he makes you feel should be her main concern as a mother, not how he makes her feel.

You ask what will happen when you have a baby? Nothing. She'll still dislike your fiance, you'll still find the situation awkward, and just as you're now contemplating marrying abroad to avoid this awkwardness, you'll likely come up with extreme measures for avoiding similar awkwardness at the christening/birthdays/family events/etc. It's time to grab the bull by the horns and resolve the problem at it's core : your mother.

Neyite

By getting engaged to him, you are commiting to the promise that he is your family now. When a baby come along, the three of you are a family. And of course she will love her grandchildren, in fact they might even thaw her out a bit once she sees what a great husband and dad he will be. By choosing him as your family, you should defend him. If she makes a remark, you let her know its not acceptable to speak about the man you love like that.

Your mother sounds like a bit of a snob to be honest. She had high aspirations for her Daughter the Teacher and hoped that you someday would have a Teacher or a Doctor or someone like that. But thats to impress the neighbours, its not about your happiness, because if it was, she would see this man makes you very happy indeed.

But its not her life - she can live hers the way that she wants to, you have to live yours the way you want to. You were not born to fulfill her dreams.

With regard to your wedding, have it here at home if that is what you want. She will suck it up - she is not going to lose face with the neighbours or relations. She may be disinterested in your day, but surround yourself with friends who are interested and bring them to your dress fittings etc. Plan the wedding that you and your fiance want, and sod her. By getting married abroad alone you are confirming to her that she is right, and that you secretly are ashamed of him. You love him. You think he is terrific, so fill a church and a reception with people who agree with you and have a blast. Even if she sits in the corner with a puss on her, she is only showing herself up, not you.

jdsk2006

Really, you have given your mother way to much power over you and allowed her to negatively impact on your big news. Stand back and look at it........you really don't require her approval

LegacyUser

OP, I don't really want to analyse your mother. From what you've said, you're an only child and you are a daughter.......your wedding is so so important to your mother. Her reaction to the engagement and your future husband reeks of jealousy, loss of control, and no doubt there was an expectation in her mind as to how it would be planned (the engagement) and no doubt the wedding. You're making decisions without her,

You will however only have this big day once and this day is also very important for her because she will only have it for her child once. Reconsider your options, don't run abroad to avoid what you believe will be your mum snubbing your wedding, organise something small in Ireland and involve her, if she turns her back on it then at least it'll be her doing not yours and she will have to live with the consequences. As it stands you are excluding your mum from your big day, don't you want her helping you pick a dress, organise the ceremony with the priest, get involved with the hotel.....it is important for her as it's been an expectation since the day you were born, don't exclude her, leave it to her to exclude herself!

I also agree with previous poster...she hasn't really met him.

meeeeh

I completely disagree with previous post. Your mothers wishes for your wedding are irrelevant (btw I hope my children will be happy and healthy but I'm certainly not planning their weddings). You don't owe to your mother the wedding she wishes you would have but you do owe your partner respect. Do the wedding you both want and if your mother wants to sulk in the corner then let her. Just because you are an only child you don't owe her any more than those comming from a family of ten.

If I were you, I'd talk to your father and explain how hurt you are and ask him to talk to her and keep her in check during the wedding. Don't be a pushover, if you don't establish your authority now you might be always living according to your mothers wishes. And I'm sure your bf has no desire to marry your mother, he wants you.

Walls

Your mother can have negative feelings all she wants about him. What she can control is her behaviour to him, and she should be told in very clear ways that her manners are lacking. She does not have a veto on your partner, nor does she get to interfere to the extent of upsetting you. Her conduct before now is selfish beyond compare.

She can think what she wants, and probably will go on doing so. But she should be told to socialise with both of you, and to show some manners in the event of your upcoming nuptials. Her thoughts are her own business, and she should keep them to herself. You can't control people, but you can enforce basic rules of behaviour to ensure everyone is civilised.

a posse ad esse

From what I have read from your post, you have allowed your mother to speak that way about him without any repercussions for quite some time. She met this man three times in the entire course of the relationship. Why have you not brought him by more? Was it because she told you she did not like him at all and you have decided not to because of her reaction? I know moost people would stick up for their partners who are being disrespected even if it is a parent. If you do want things to change with your mother, you have to change how you deal with her. Ignoring and changing your wedding plans to suit her is adding fuel to the fire. Why are you allowing her this much control over YOUR life and happiness?

This happens more often, OP one parent is not happy with their ADULT child’s partner. This happened with my father with my maternal grandfather, a close friend and colleagues. Most times the parent does get over it and there are the stubborn few who do not at all. Most parents have an epiphany and realise their children do become adults and have the right to choose who they want to spend their life with. Your mother may cop on or not. You have to decide what you will do if she doesn’t. Stop trying to seek approval from her over your fiancé as it is adding unnecessary stress onto you which in turn will affect your relationship in the future. Unfortunately, it is her right not to like or accept him and this is beyond your control. The control you have over this matter is to ask her to be civil and keep her comments to herself.