Am I a walkover?

enthralled1

Apologies for the long post...

I met a guy just over a year ago. We began dating and he made it clear that he didn't want a committed relationship as he had a very tough time with an ex. I was okay with that at the time and we eventually (after about 6 months) started seeing just each other, so we were basically in a relationship but we did not have labels of gf and bf. We know each others friends & family and have went to family weddings. Although I was okay with this I would of preferred to have been a gf, I always felt he was keeping me at arms length. Which we discussed and he said he was trying not to and he was sorry about how I felt, but it was all he was willing to give. I never pushed it as I felt we would eventually be gf and bf.

About 7 months ago I moved back home, which is about 3 hours away from where I was based. Which is also where he lives & is from. This was for a number of reasons, financial-i have my own company and it was cheaper to base it here, the main reason is my mother is ill, although not chronically, but I wanted to help out at home as my siblings live abroad for work and my father retired to look after her. I felt at the time we were not going anywhere as a couple too so I felt no reason to stay.

We continued to see each other- this was his idea. But I felt he wasnt making an effort to come see me. I was visiting him more than he was visiting me. We have had a few conversations about proper committment but it never actually changed our relationships. Again he didn't want a gf.
We had a massive drunken fight about 2 months ago; i told him i loved him. He said he loved me too, then said he didn't, as we don't spend enough time together for him to fall in love with me romantically. But he loved me as a friend. We got over this, but he still doesn't feel in love with me, or if he does he has not said it.

I broke things off before Xmas as I felt i was coming last everytime and he wasn't going to visit me before Xmas at all. Since then, we spent about 2-4 days not speaking as I said I can't be his friend, I'll be with him or not. But he has contacted me a lot of times so we are still talking.

He suffers from depression, which I am fine with and am willing to support him through. So i don't want to come down on him hard and cut him off as I know this will affect him more.
Last week he said that he wanted to make a go of it and possible get a place together when I move back to where he is (which I am hoping to do this summer) but I said let's see if we can do it in a week, as I felt he was saying this because he was scared of losing me rather than wanting to be with me.

My concern is that he will never want me as a gf and see me as a friend or a crutch whom he does care about but if I don't put my foot down will he keep treating me like he has been.
Will walking away make him realise that I am gone unless we get together. I want proper love from a partner.

Should I walk away, will he ever really fall in love with me and want to be with me? Or should I be patient as I have moved away and it does make things harder?

thepeachyone28

There is far too much drama, push and pull here. You sound insecure, otherwise you wouldn't be putting up with his uncertainty about you. If he really wanted you as a girlfriend, he wouldn't leave you guessing.

Walking away might make him realise what he's missing. But walking away means quiting cold turkey, no contact, so that he can actually miss you, not just give it a few days and see what happens. Hard at first to do, but makes you stronger. And even if it did make him miss you, I wouldn't go back if he gave you the option. Old habits die hard and you'll both fall back into the same old habits and treat each other the same.

My advice is walk away now, don't move in and get more embroiled in a situation that isn't going to get better. It will serve you better in the long run

IrishEyes19

op why does he get he get to set his own deal breaker and not you. think of it. you want a relationship. stick to your guns and make that clear and walk away. i dont believe it will change. but its strange that he operates in this relationship style but wont commit to it.

sffc

He doesn't love you. There I said it - someone had too. He doesn't want to stop sleeping with you when he feels like it alright and having you for company at weddings etc but he doesn't love you. He might say it in desperation but he doesnt love you. In his mind it ok to lie because in his mind you are blackmailing him by telling him to commit or it's over .
If someone loves you they don't need to be nagged into commitment - they just do it. He doesn't love you - move on and find someone new

Forever Hopeful

As someone who was in a very similar position as you, walk away and don't look back.
Don't lose yourself in his mess. You deserve to be with someone who adores you as much as you him. Relationships are hard but shouldn't be this hard so early on so it doesn't bode well for the future. I wasted 5 years on someone like that to the point that I was a shivering wreck as I defined my worth based on how he felt about me. Almost destroyed my confidence.
You deserve so much more!

thepeachyone28

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

As someone who was in a very similar position as you, walk away and don't look back.
Don't lose yourself in his mess. You deserve to be with someone who adores you as much as you him. Relationships are hard but shouldn't be this hard so early on so it doesn't bode well for the future. I wasted 5 years on someone like that to the point that I was a shivering wreck as I defined my worth based on how he felt about me. Almost destroyed my confidence.
You deserve so much more!

I could have written this post myself! Looking back I wish I'd had the confidence to walk away early when all the warning signs were there, but I didn't, and I try not to regret my choices but it happens. If I'd listened to everyone who told me to move on early I'd have saved myself the bother. This will slowly break you down if you keep going with him.

Forever Hopeful

thepeachyone28 wrote: »

I could have written this post myself! Looking back I wish I'd had the confidence to walk away early when all the warning signs were there, but I didn't, and I try not to regret my choices but it happens. If I'd listened to everyone who told me to move on early I'd have saved myself the bother. This will slowly break you down if you keep going with him.

YES!!!! Likewise, I wouldn't listen and looking back at the drama, fights, tears, disappointments I now shudder. Friends just shook their heads in disbelief and now I see why.
In fairness Op, you are questioning the situation and can see the risks otherwise you wouldn't be posting.
You mentioned his depression and as awful that is for him, there is a desire to 'save' him or be there for him. I did that but it was never returned.
One more thing, when you are in the situation you can convince yourself that your relationship will be different, it rarely is.
Accept nothing short of what you want. Good luck!

2rkehij30qtza5

This guy doesn't love you. I'm sorry I am being so blunt but it seems pretty clear.
If someone loves someone they would do everything they can to be with that person, be a boyfriend to that person etc etc.
He is keeping you at arms length because you two are clearly not meant for one another.
Walk away now and be prepared for him to be looking for you back, more of the same etc etc.
Sorry this happened to you OP but if I were you I'd quit him cold turkey now & move on with your life and leave yourself more open to meeting someone who actually wants to be your boyfriend. This guys reasons for not wanting to commit are just not enough for you to stay. Walk away with your head held high & good luck.

wotsit

Hi OP, sorry to hear about this happening to you but if you read over what you yourself have written the answer is right there.
From the outset it was clear he was never into a relationship , at least the type of one you were looking for. You were in love with the potential relationship you may have had, and were choosing to ignore what was truly there.
It's never a good idea to go into a relationship thinking you can change the other person, the only person you can change ever is yourself.

enthralled1

I am really touched and thankful for your comments. I am insecure in this relationship, but I am so strong in every other area of my life!
All the comments reallly helped me to see things so clearly now. I have thought and discussed ending it for good before with him, but I am doing it now. No contact at all and cold turkey. He doesn't deserve anything from me any longer.
Thank you all again I really appreciate you guys reading it and advising me on what to do!

2rkehij30qtza5

enthralled1 wrote: »

I am really touched and thankful for your comments. I am insecure in this relationship, but I am so strong in every other area of my life!
All the comments reallly helped me to see things so clearly now. I have thought and discussed ending it for good before with him, but I am doing it now. No contact at all and cold turkey. He doesn't deserve anything from me any longer.
Thank you all again I really appreciate you guys reading it and advising me on what to do!

Best of luck op! For what it's worth I think you are doing the right thing! You will meet someone else who loves you & deserves you.

kat.mac

wotsit wrote: »

You were in love with the potential relationship you may have had, and were choosing to ignore what was truly there.

That literally sent a shiver down my spine, it so accurately described my last 'relationship'.

Unfortunately, I think it also very accurately describes the OP's - I am so glad to see that you are putting an end to it. It will take willpower and courage but I think you knew all along that it is the right thing. All the very best OP x