Shameful about my irritablility and anger.

bedtime

Hi,


This is my first time posting here so forgive me in advance if I am not following the protocol


Apologies in advance for a very long post. I am not sure where to start. I would be very grateful for advice though, so if you can bear with me.


I was diagnosed with PND in 2009. I suffered from anxiety a long time before that. No one would EVER have guessed,I’m good as masking it.


Since 2009 I’ve been on antidepressants and sleeping tables, different ones until the right one worked for me. Although I have always been anti- medication, I know if I hadn’t have taken them over the last 3 years I most likely wouldn’t be here today (not meaning to sound dramatic but fact is, I was in a VERY bad place and I knew it was meds OR ……..)


Anyway fast forward, three numb years. Although the meds dampened down the bad stuff they also did the same with the good stuff in my life. I haven’t REALLY felt happy or sad, in fact devoid of all emotions really.


In that time, I got married- was I excited/happy? No. Just put on the smile and did the normal thing. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve married my soulmate, he is amazing and I love him. God help him, no one else would’ve put up with me over the last few years.


Other life events over the last three years have happened, kids starting School, moving house, etc. but what is upsetting the most is that I feel I have just lost the last three years of my children’s lives.


I’ve been a crap mother, I don’t like staying at home yet I gave up my job (which I did love) to stay at home and care for them during their ‘formative years’. Thinking I was doing the right thing/best thing for my kids. (I’m not dissin’ anyone who has gone back to work, crèche, childminder, etc. I/ the kids probably would have been better off if I did!).


Don’t get me wrong I do know there has been a lot of good/nice things I have done as a Mother but genuinely, I look at other mothers and think they are so natural, so under control, so mothery!


I on the other hand, hate being at home, feel like I’m stuck in a rut and when/if I go out anywhere I mostly feel like I’m a woman on the edge. I want to go back to work but now we couldn’t afford childcare plus I have lost so much confidence (and gained so much weight) I have anxieties about going back to work.


I love my children with all my heart, yet I can’t understand why sometimes I feel so cold towards them, particularly the eldest one. It KILLS me to say that L What is wrong with a mother who feels like that?


I had a late miscarriage before I quickly became pregnant with my eldest and then that pregnancy was a disaster from beginning to end- in terms of I developed a lot of pregnancy related illnesses, was in Hospital a lot, I was sure I was going to lose her- it was a tense 9 months.


Couldn’t have a natural birth, failed that! Couldn’t breastfeed, failed that! I felt protective over her from the minute she was born (when I did eventually get to see her) but Love?! That has taken a long time to develop, again I feel like a failure as a mother. Other mothers talk about the ‘over whelming sense of love for their child when they were born’ and they ‘felt complete when their child was born’. Not me, what’s wrong with me then?


We took her home after a week, and by Jes*s did the panic, anxiety, nerves; worst case scenarios come a flooding. For the next three months we tried to bottle feed her- she fought every feed, every time, we had different drops to put her bottle as we thought maybe it was wind. It (no exaggeration) would take us approx. 3 hours to get her to take a couple of ozs. (then it was feeding time again!), we tried every formula, EVRY bottle that’s out there. We had stuff under her mattress to keep her elevated; we had a chair that kept her upright when we weren’t holding her (which was rare). I said it numerous times our PHN & GP, they weren’t overly concerned. Yes she was slow putting on weight but otherwise developing normally (I know to a parent who has a child with special needs/ illnesses they must be thinking and you have what to be anxious about?!- I do now count my lucky stars!).


Eventually, when she was around 3 months old and when I couldn’t take any more, when the baby had hardly drank all day- not for the lack of trying that’s for sure. We brought her to the Children’s Hospital where they thankfully took it serious, did tests, etc. and LISTENED to us. They diagnosed her with silent reflux and she was commenced on medication. It was a relief to know what was going on with her and what we could do. It took about a month or so before the meds started working fully for her and it was great


Around that time I knew if we didn’t have another baby soon I would never again! We were lucky; when my eldest was 5 months I was pregnant with our next. This pregnancy went a lot smoother but still I developed Gestational Diabetes and was being weekly monitored in the Hospital for that and previous complications so in my head the whole time was, is this going to develop into something more?


I didn’t breast feed again, I just couldn’t bare the thoughts of having someone constantly hanging out of me. Selfish? Yes. I’ve already beaten myself up about it and regret and wish I had have done differently. When I hear other mother say how great BF is and the closeness, etc., I feel bad but think I wouldn’t be able for that day in day out someone at me.


It was only after the birth of my second that it clicked, I wasn’t meant to feel like this. Everything was so black, bleak, and dark. I had no joy, excitement, fun, looking forward. It was just black……. Nothing, but riddled with anxiety and worries and ‘what ifs’ that I just could get in control of.


The way I described it was that I needed tiger balm for my brain, just to cool everything down.


I went to a different GP as I was too ashamed, scared (they would take my children away for having depression and anxiety or it would be on my record so if in future a job requested info they’d find out!). I broke down and told her everything and she was lovely, very helpful. Urgent referral to maternity hosp psychiatrist who again was lovely. Started on meds straight away. As they all do, took at least 3 weeks before there was just a minor difference- then it progressed, into me not feeling anything. I didn’t cry, laugh- emotionless. I still wasn’t sleeping great. Who does with baby/small child I suppose? I used to sit up for hours, watching the baby until I fell asleep sitting up.


Skipping all the in between stuff (since then and now), I went to a different psych and have tried several different medication until I got the right one. I also went to some CBT for a few weeks but had to give it up due to cost. It was really beneficial though.


Since before Christmas I have been VERY SLOWLY weaning myself (I told my GP) the meds and I’ve just about gotten past all the side effects- the brain zapping (or as I describe it as when you get an electric shock off the trolley in a supermarket, like than in your brain) and the whooshing sensations in your brain.


I have been quite irritable (especially with my kids- which AGAIN, I have LOADS of guilt about being a horrible mother). I can escalate to anger very quickly. I never used to be angry like this. I wonder to myself is this just me now? I lose my temper so quickly at the kids, for them just being kids but it’s like I am not in control of it?



What is this about?



Has anyone else experienced this?



Please don’t tell me I need to go back on meds, I can’t take them forever. It’s already been 3 years that I’ve lost out on. BUT, sometimes, I scare myself just how angry I can get and I don’t know why or how to stop. It just comes out of nowhere. It’s a horrible, self-destructing cycle. I explode; I feel guilty and remind myself of what a horrible mother I must be. I can’t even cry about it until much later. It’s like inside I have the feelings but I can’t show the emotions except anger. I don’t like being like this and I don’t want to be. It’s not right for the kids to see me like this.


Not sure if it makes any difference but I also have PCOS and have the Mirena Coil in now about 18 months. Wondering if the coil would have any part to play in how I'm feeling?



Where do I go?



Please don’t say GP, since moving house I have moved GP and he is S**TE!! although I could change plus I can’t afford my psych anymore.


Thanks so much if you got to the end

RossFixxxed

Hi OP, I can't directly relate so I just wanted to pick up on something. You won't go to that GP (there MUST be others), you don't want to take ANY meds (not just the ones you were on), and you can't go for psych.... So what ARE you going to do?

It could be tons of things, PND, the coil, diet, coming off meds, electrolytes, anemia, depression, liver, kidney, thyroid... you see where I'm going here? YOU NEED A PROFESSIONAL FOR THIS.

Don't shoot down every avenue. There are GREAT GPs out there, there are innumerous medications that may help.

Your attitide is all wrong and if you don't want to fix it... it won't miraculously get fixed.

This NEEDS to be fixed and we can only urge you to get help. Otherwise nothing is going to change. It's not easy OP, belive me I sympathise, please don't turn down all the options out there.

You say CBT helped, go get more. There are free medical services out there. They are SLLOOOOOWWW but they do work! Keep looking them up, push your GP, phone him every day if you have to. You deserve a better life. Do it for yourself and for your family. Even if you have to spend some money getting to services DO it is your health and in 10 years you won't remember the money, you will remember the MISERY. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.

Merkin

You need to find a good, reputable and understanding GP in your area whom you can trust enough to be open and honest with. That should be your first course of action. Finding an experienced medical professional who really understands mental health issues will be the vital step you now need to take to start putting things right.

movingsucks

OK, I don't know anything about the PND or medication issues but please please stop beating yourself up thinking you're a bad mother.
I couldn't have a natural birth or breastfeed* either. I don't feel guilty about that and woe be tide anyone who tries to make me.

As for not feeling a rush of "complete love" or not wanting to stay at home that's more normal than you think.
Several people I know said that to me on the quiet when I was pregnant and it always started with " I don't know if I'm meant to say this out loud but.."
Even the midwife at our antenatal class said it. And it's OK to want to go back to work. It really is. I understand you say it's not really financially viable but don't feel guilty for wanting it.

I hope you can find a way through all this and be kind to yourself.

* I did breast feed in the beginning but it didn't work out

skyfall2012

Hi OP, I can speak to you as a parent. I had caesarean sections on both my kids and bottle fed both as well. I tried to BF but couldn't. They are very healthy and top of their class at school. So I have no guilt there and neither should you.

I don't know if I had baby blues, but I didn't feel anything for my first and thought to myself 'what have I done!'. But I feel love for both of them now, it took effort, though. I was away one weekend and forgot to ask how my baby was on the phone when I rang home; to give an example of my detachment.

When I loose my temper with my children, I always apologise and explain to them that , I shouldn't loose control like that and that I am really sorry and I am consciously working on keeping my temper under control.

I always take the opportunity when I am putting them to bed to talk to them about their day and spend some time with them and cuddle them, they love this and it helps me to connect with them. Tell them, how much I love them.

I am not a natural mother, my mother worked full time and then left when I was young. So to try and improve my mothering skills, I try to cast my mind back to how 'I thought and felt' as a child and think about how I would have liked my mother to have been.

I stayed at home for the same reasons as you, but even this afternoon asked my children if they would stay in the 'After School service' so that I could get a job. They refused, but they still are a bit young, so I will hang in there a bit longer I think. I am doing a free university course online called coursera, which makes me feel good.

Your contraception method could be having an effect on your mood, I have heard of that happening before.

Anyway, you sound like a good mother to me, because you care, so many mothers don't. Your kids will always love you, no matter what, just keep reminding them of how much you love them and you will see how they blossom with knowing that! I wish you good luck, OP. Hope this helps.

LegacyUser

OP I identify with about 90% of what you are describing including sick children. feeding, short temper, frustration, the whole thing. I also know which meds you were on - nightmare - there are others. I don't know why doctors are hung up on that one, there are pages on the internet of people with problems on them.

Go to another doctor, you do need help. Stop beating yourself up as a mother, you are fine. You don't have to be perfect, you can go a long way down the road of being not perfect before you are harmful to your children. There are way too many experts telling you how to be a mother. You are in a dark place and everything looks much worse. You are adding everything up and making a crisis out of it. I know you can't stop doing that on your own, you need help. You possibly still need medication, but go to a different doctor, or at least ask for different meds.

Stop worrying about the breast feeding, the vast majority of people over about 40 were not breastfed and they have survived. Your sense of detachment from your children doesn't mean you do not love them or you are a bad mother, everyone responds differently to relationships of all sorts, there is a lot of unrealistic, sentimental garbage out there, you don't have to buy into it, just keep doing your best for them.

One of my children came after another one that had died, I did not want the last one, and I was worried sick after losing the previous one. When I had the baby my milk would not flow and in the end I could not breast feed. I am sure it was my body's way of rejecting the baby. Still the child is now a very balanced and secure adult who was loved through childhood, there were no negative effects in the end.

Keep looking for help, get out and live a fulfilling life as well as rearing your children. Don't beat yourself up, keep telling yourself things can and will get better.

bedtime

Thank you very much all for taking the time to read and replying.

I suppose when it's said as clear to me "what ARE you going to do". That's the bottom line. Things aren't going to right them-self by themself.

I agree I need to find a GP that I actually have a chance/they have time for me to explain myself. As I said, I am really not keen on meds again. CBT was helping and money is tight so I'm not sure I can realistically afford it but I will ask if I can be put on the waiting list.

It's like when I can't/don't do the right things for my kids, I feel like I'm failing them. I know unless I get back to myself I am going to continue to fail them. So I have to do something! I suppose the wish is that someone can tell you, this will all go away and I will be back to myself again- normal!

It is true about the experts, I have read the books, watched the programs, looked online, etc. of how best to parent, etc. and tbh I've had to unlike David Coleman on Facebook because I just couldn't stomach the 'perfect parenting way', the realistic me says- seriously, like what parent parents like that. Constantly watching what you say to your child for fear of ruining their adult life, every minute detail of what we do/say has a consequential effect on our children's development, etc.

My own mother told me to throw out all them books- I've shelves of them. My Husband has said he thinks I've set my standards so high they are unachievable. I don't know, all I want to do is the right thing.

I will be looking for a new GP ASAP and hope to get this under control, I have to.

Thank you all for listening

bedtime

And just to say to "been there myself", I'm so sorry to hear about your child that died.X

CaraMay

Op I understand completely where you are coming from. It was a very hard (bereavenent) and complicated time around my pregnancy and arrival of the baby. I had a section and couldn't bf and he has been sick a lot since. I was an older mum and really miss my freedom. We had no life this year and I really miss normal social interaction and having fun. It's a different type of fun with a baby and while I do love baba I often wonder if I am a good enough mother. We have has so little sleep this year that I haven't brought baba for enough walks etc etc

My point is I know how you feel... Try not to beat yourself up.

Taltos

First off OP I think you really need to give yourself a break here - reading your post the big thing that is coming across is your guilt and maybe even some self-loathing but I have been known to read too much into things. Personally I think you have gone through a hell of a lot, quite a bit of it so testing it would have broken most people. But it hasn't and it won't break you.

In terms of what you have done to try to get past your challenges I cannot fault you. You have gone to your GP and even changed GP when it appeared you needed more help.
What should you do now? I'm not sure, as you know we cannot give you medical advice on this forum so guessing about side-effects of the coil or your medication is strictly taboo. I am worried about you reducing your meds though, if this was on the advice and under the guidance of your doctor then great, but if this was your own idea then you really cannot know all of the ramifications, just please ensure that you keep talking to your OH and don't bottle anything in.

Like a poster above, I think you should stick with the CBT, and should keep pushing your GP or get a different one. I also find having someone to talk to really helps, so maybe look into getting help with either your psychiatrist or going to see a counsellor, if you explain your financial difficulties they maybe able to work something out with you. Your mum is spot on though about all those books - it is too easy to use them to blame yourself more - the best any parent can hope to do is to let their child know they are loved and to show them that each day in the little things - whether it is just combing their hair or wiping jam from their cheeks.

Seriously now - really cut yourself a break - remind yourself each day that your OH and your children love you - even through the bad days. One trick I have used is a key word and a really happy memory, when all is great I use this word and image to reinforce good feelings so that if I am feeling low - just saying that word a few times helps a little, my brain by default just sees my happy memory. Also the key word I use sounds ridiculous so saying it aloud really does crack a smile...

Finally - getting out each day for a walk or a run (when I could) really helps too, exercise is wonderful, especially on a rotten day like today - coming in from the cold and rain into a warm shower with some hot soup just really feels great. Don't overdo it - but a little exercise each day really can help.

RossFixxxed

Yeah Taltos said it there, and I want to reiterate it: you are showing incredible strength and the concern radiating from you shows you are NOT a bad mother. You are handling a dreadful time in your life extremely well. BUT BUT BUT you don't have to, help is available and you can get better. You won't loose that strength and one day you will realise that you do not get knocked down, you are strong and caring and you can beat anything.

This is the low point and you are still going, still questioning, still concerned about your kids. You're doing great, but professionals can show you a much better way.

I really wish you the best. Don't be hard on yourself, you've realised there is a problem and you have an open mind. That is so important. You're gonna kick ass!

Ando's Saggy Bottom

You sound to me like a good person and a good mother who want to get better. You need help and quickly though. I was raised by a mother who suffered depression and tonnes of other issues and its taken me years to begin to get over all it entailed. If you can't see that you need to get help for your own sake then do it for your children's. Things can get better.

bedtime

Thanks again. I really agree with the walk-exercise. Tbh, bar running around after the kids I have had neither the motivation nor interest to get up of my A@@ and do something, BUT that's changing over the last couple of weeks. I am slowly thinking "I can't go on like this" for myself and my family.

I did the med reduction in consultation with my GP and I think I was ready.

Pete- that's exactly the kind of thing I'm terrified of. What if by me being the way I have been has already caused my children issues

I've decided I'm going to tackle my physical health until I get an appointment for CBT, starting with exercise and diet.

LegacyUser

This is far more common than you think.....you are describing me back in 2009 and 2010 after having my second child, it was def PND and although I didnt take any meds for it as I didnt want to have to take a pill to get out of bed. I did go back to work and this has helped enormously, I have done the stay at home mum and the working mum and the stay at home just isnt for me.

I too have feelings of detachment towards my oldest and I cant explain why. It makes me feel so sad to type that out He is a sweet loving child that looks for my approval all the time and I think deep down he knows that there is something missing. My second child is completely different and I think she is the easiest to handle. I feel like such a terrible Mum most of the time cos I feel that I gave my life up to be a mother and I feel like a part of the old me is missing. My husband is fantastic - he just doesnt know how sad and guilty I feel a lot of the time. Some days I really hate being a mother and having so much responsibility for everything that happens in the house. I miss me.

Sorry to take the heat off the thread but I wanted you to know that you arent alone in what you feel. Go back to the GP or change GPs if you feel you arent getting the right help. I too should take my own advice.