Friend's Wedding - Expensive

BrokeBFF

Hi Folks

I'd like a bit of advice as ye are all so good at giving it!

A very good friend of mine is getting married shortly in what is a rather expensive country hotel. Because it's in the middle of nowhere, the easiest thing is to spend the night there, even though it comes in at a whopping €230 per night. I am willing to swallow that price for my friend and to have a great night and not have to worry about a taxi to a far off b&b or not drinking and then having to drive back to town (3 hours).

I've gotten word of her hen in the meantime and the basic cost for it (without drink or dinner) is €250 for two nights, also quite far from where I live.

When I factor in the cost of the gift (will probably be €100 cash as this is the most practical thing for them) their wedding is going to cost me a huge amount of money (and that doesn't include petrol to get to/from, it doesn't include drinks, etc etc).

I love the two of them to bits, but I really am a bit choked at the expense of the hen (and a little choked at the expense to stay in their chosen venue). I would love to go to the hen but feel I have to bow out because of the cost. But I also don't want to have to embarrass myself by saing 'Sorry can't go, too dear' so what should I say and how should I say it?

There will be no way I will miss the wedding but I really don't think I can afford to make the hen.

Any and all advice very much appreciated.

SunnyDub1

how do the other people feel about about the cost of the hen?


I think you should just be honest by telling her that it's a lot of money and you simply just can't afford it, explain to her how much the room in the hotel is costing you and maybe offer to take her out for dinner and drinks as a sorry.
If she is a good enough Friend she will understand.

Also I'd inquire about the hotel for the wedding, it seems very steep for a nights accommodation??? usually they offer a special discount on rooms for the family and friends of the Bride and groom.

strandroad

Just say "I'm so sorry, but because of my finances at the moment I have to choose between these two events so sadly I'll have to forgo the hen".
Perhaps others will say something similar and she will reconsider the cost.

DeltaWhite

Why dont you see if you can stay in a different hotel nearby for the wedding? Just check and see if they are cheaper and that way there would be no bad feelings as you have still made every effort to attend!

As for the hens, would there be no way you could share a room and split the cost so it's not as expensive? I feel awful for you, this seems to be happeneing quite a lot in these times

I know how you feel though! 4 of my cousins married abroad and I havent been able to go to any of them. But in fairness they are entitled to do what they want with their wedding! No matter how I feel about it

CuteStuff

Tread carefully!!! People can be very sensitive when it comes to their wedding! Sounds steep alright. Look into self catering in the area perhaps you could get a house and split it between mutual friends. Check daft website for short term lets. My own wedding that is what my now in laws did and it was way cheaper!!! When you rang the hotel did you state you were a wedding guest? Wedding guests generally get a good rate as I think previous poster mentioned.

BrokeBFF

Thanks for the replies folks.

The price I got for the hotel room for the night is actually the discounted price for wedding guests. And yeah, it's expensive but the nearest b&b is a half hour's drive away. I would like to stay in the hotel as I know it's going to be a great night and I do want to be there for it.

The cost of the hen includes accommodation in a self-catering place but that's it really.

I am tempted to just say that I can't make the hen because something else has come up for that weekend. I don't want to hurt her feelings or for her to feel bad for me - I simply can't afford to spend that much money on someone's hen and there are so many other things I can use that money for.

marizpan

You will really hurt her by saying you have other plans that weekend. Tell the hen night organiser that you have to choose one event, the wedding, due to cost. You will be taking the bride out for lunch/ dinner yourself to make up for this, at another date. Problem solved. Don't put yourself under the pressure. My sister is getting married tomo, with similar problems. Only a third came to hen due to the high cost but all will make it to the wedding. They made up for it in other ways themselves.

CuteStuff

Slightly off topic but why have hens / stags got so expensive!!! Gone are the days of a few drinks in the local and a boogie

I think I am showing my age now....

But OP I am curious what does the Hen comprise of?! Activities of some sort?

SunnyDub1

CuteStuff wrote: »

Slightly off topic but why have hens / stags got so expensive!!! Gone are the days of a few drinks in the local and a boogie

I think I am showing my age now....

But OP I am curious what does the Hen comprise of?! Activities of some sort?

I agree.
I have one cousin getting married end of this year and has this idea in her head of going to Vegas for her hens :eek:

She will get a shock when she discovers the hen organizer will be trowing her a Vegas teamed party instead :P

Typer Monkey

BrokeBFF wrote: »

I am tempted to just say that I can't make the hen because something else has come up for that weekend. I don't want to hurt her feelings or for her to feel bad for me.

If you do this it will seem that you are prioritising another event over her hen which would upset her far more in my opinion. I don't understand why you can't just be honest with her and tell her that you simply can't afford to spend that huge amount of money on a hen weekend. It's completely reasonable and as a good friend she should know something of your financial circumstances and know that you are being sincere.

I'm sure there'll be a good few people invited to the hen who will be in the same position and you never know, your conversation with her might make her rethink her, frankly, extravagant and excessive plans for the hen

Cerulean Chicken

I would just say "Sorry, I can't afford to go to the hen if I want to go to the wedding". Well, actually what I would say is "I'm not spending that much money on a hen!" but I hate hens and my friends know that so wouldn't take it too bad The one and only hen I went on cost about €130 for accommodation, food, drinks, petrol, etc, those amount are crazy OP.

miamee

OP if you can't afford both then tell the bride-to-be that. I'm sure you won't be the only one at all given the prices. If a few close friends can't afford it she might have a night out before the wedding at home instead of the weekend or as well as it.

Another alternative might be to do just one night of the hen weekend but that all depends on where it is and how easy it would be for you go get there alone rather than travelling in a group. It might still work out very expensive.

ibarelycare

BrokeBFF wrote: »

Thanks for the replies folks.

The price I got for the hotel room for the night is actually the discounted price for wedding guests. And yeah, it's expensive but the nearest b&b is a half hour's drive away. I would like to stay in the hotel as I know it's going to be a great night and I do want to be there for it.

The cost of the hen includes accommodation in a self-catering place but that's it really.

I am tempted to just say that I can't make the hen because something else has come up for that weekend. I don't want to hurt her feelings or for her to feel bad for me - I simply can't afford to spend that much money on someone's hen and there are so many other things I can use that money for.

€250 per person for two nights in a self-catering place? Really? Is it a castle or something??? That doesn't make sense at all.

Anyway, it's very selfish for brides and grooms, especially these days, to expect people to fork over a few hundred quid on a hen or stag, on top of the expense of attending their wedding. I thought weekends away for hens were a thing of the Celtic Tiger era! Perhaps you could see how much it would cost to just go to the hen for one night, that would be perfectly acceptable. Whatever you decide you have to do, don't be embarrassed about being honest with her that you can't afford it. If she's a good friend then she'll understand. And I'm sure you're not the only one in the same predicament.

SunnyDub1

ibarelycare wrote: »

€250 per person for two nights in a self-catering place? Really? Is it a castle or something??? That doesn't make sense at all.

It's €250 for one night not two :eek:

You could almost get a last min weeks holiday aboard for that price :rolleyes:

miamee

SunnyDub1 wrote: »

It's €250 for one night not two :eek:

You could almost get a last min weeks holiday aboard for that price :rolleyes:

€250 for two nights on the hen weekend

€230 for one night in the hotel, night of the wedding if I read that correctly.

Merkin

People's level of self involvement and lack of consideration never fails to make me want to vomit a little bit. Who the hell do people think they are expecting people to fork out for a hen night for €250 to have a party in their own honour at their own request so that people can make a fuss of them with zero regard for other people? It's egocentric in the extreme and yet it's nearly become the norm. What IS it with people? Are their lives so empty and vaccuous that they use their wedding to pretend they actually matter? Are they so starved of attention the rest of the time that they use the whole wedding thing as a vehicle for showing everyone how important they really are?:eek: Grrrrr, it makes me mad. Rant over.

OP I'd stick as closely as possible to the truth if I were you. Just be polite and say that you're really looking forward to the wedding but that the hen is just too expensive. If she's reasonable she'll understand.

Sleepy

Some insane prices there OP. Getting married in a month or so and our hotel is costing less than half that for guests (they'd get two nights and dinner on the second night for less than that!!!) and after a set-back on the accommodation for my stag, it's been trebled to all of €70 a head for B&B accommodation for the lads.

Explain it to her honestly: she's clearly so caught up in her wedding planning that she can't see that it's simply not as important an event to her guests as it is to her.

Chips Lovell

I'd be upfront about why I couldn't go to both. It's hardly surprising in the current climate that someone can't afford to spend €500+ on attending a wedding/hen. You'd want to be very unreasonable to take issue with it.

Big Bag of Chips

My friend is in exactly this position at the moment. She has told the bride that due to the wedding being at opposite end of country, cost of getting there, staying there etc and other family occassions she has during the year she can't afford to go away for the hen.

(She's a bridesmaid too, to add to the guilt!)

Her friend got a bit annoyed and asked her could she not cut back on her family occassions (her son's confirmation, where she is bringing her family out for a meal!) So that she can attend the hen....


Anyway.... As it turns out, my friend is not the only one who has backed out of the hen (75 people invited to it??!) And the bride has now asked my friend if her sisters would like to go on it (even though they are not being invited to the wedding!)

Some people go a bit mad. You don't have to put yourself under that pressure. I have turned down 2 hens of my cousins, who I am very close to, because of cost, distance,etc.... With no fallout whatsoever, and had a great time at the wedding.

If you decide not to go, you certainly wont be the only one.

LegacyUser

OP I would be direct with the couple and tell them the cost is to high for you for both wedding and hen night. My cousin got married last year in a pretty pricey resort. I got sent the invite and was told the whole family were staying in the place and they'd got a good discount for us but even with the discount it was super expensive so I called a few relations and turned out none of them were staying in this place, they'd called the bride explained it was too expensive and she organized a bus to take us all back to a much cheaper hotel at 3am. We missed nothing by not staying in the hotel as the majority of wedding guests left then or before and those staying the night were pretty much told to leave the bar at 4am. I'd either ask the couple or ask friends you know are going and see if you can share the cost of a mini cab hire or check with the hotel, alot of these fancy resorts have accounts with companies and get decent discounts and if they have alot of weddings they are use to arranging this for people.

As for the Hen I wouldn't lie, be honest, you can't afford it so she should either arrange a cheaper night or expect a good chunk of friends not to go.

LegacyUser

I've missed out on a few stags abroad because I simply wasn't going to spend that much money on a weekend away getting drunk .

I couldn't afford to go and I just passed word through that I couldn't afford it. I then said nothing. I had mooted to one group that some of us couldn't afford to go but could do a night in Ireland somewhere - they chose to go abroad which is their choice.

Just be honest. Do the lunch thing.

seamus

Sometimes people lose a bit of perspective on these things and they think of the hen and wedding in terms of "I'll never do this again, so it needs to be big", forgetting that your guests will do it a number of times again when others get married, so they can't be expected to be as enthusiastic about a big blowout.

OP, you most certainly won't be the only person in this situation, so it would be worth sticking out your feelers. Is there any chance you can double or triple up with other guests at the wedding? Bedrooms go pretty wasted at a wedding - you usually arrive fully dressed so all the room is used for is dumping your baggage and sleeping.

Same with the hen. In fact with the hen, I'd ask what in God's name you're paying for. €250 sounds like they're not only planning on staying somewhere but also doing some kind of activity - facial, spa, etc. I've heard of a number of hens going for a "spa weekend" where your room is reasonable for two nights, but you have to pay €150 - €300 for the treatments. And I've yet to find anyone who actually enjoys the "treatments" part of a spa weekend.
So see if you can double up the rooms at the hen and maybe opt out of whatever it is they're doing during the day.

That might make going to both events more feasible, but in the event that it doesn't, don't make up excuses. Just be straight out and say you can't afford both, so you'll go to the wedding. Chances are she'll do a "mini hen" in a local pub a week or two before the wedding, so you can attend that.

Dark Phoenix

ok well first of all with regard to the wedding I'd do one of two things. One is to stay somewhere nearby and cheaper instead. I've done this before - stayed a B & B down the road from a hotel where I was going to a wedding. The other is to get prices online for the hotel the wedding is on. I rarely pay the hotels quoted price for any hotel instead I go to booking sites and they are so often cheaper (and often cheaper than the special wedding guest rate too!).

I use the likes of www.centralr.com, www.bookings.com, www.1800hotels.com and they are great so worth a try!

With regard to the hen would it be a cheaper option to just go for one day and night instead of the two? I've done this before for a friends hen she didn;t mind as i'd made the effort to come for the one day and it still suited my budget. If thats not possible why not be honest and say you are looking forward to the wedding but unfortunately can't make the hen. Its a huge amount of money to expect people to fork out for a hen night before drinks are even included!

ibarelycare

Dark Phoenix wrote: »

ok well first of all with regard to the wedding I'd do one of two things. One is to stay somewhere nearby and cheaper instead. I've done this before - stayed a B & B down the road from a hotel where I was going to a wedding. The other is to get prices online for the hotel the wedding is on. I rarely pay the hotels quoted price for any hotel instead I go to booking sites and they are so often cheaper (and often cheaper than the special wedding guest rate too!).

I use the likes of www.centralr.com, www.bookings.com, www.1800hotels.com and they are great so worth a try!

Even better is to use www.trivago.ie. They search all those sites for you and tell you where the cheapest place is to book the hotel.

WaltKowalski

Just be honest.
I can't afford it so i can't go.
I've had to turn down a few invites recently and if the hens have a problem with it, it's their problem, not mine.
I've enough to worry about without trying to placate diva behaviour.

iusedtoknow

i've done the same, had to forego a stag so i could go to the wedding (bear in mind this was in Spain so the wedding traditions are a bit mad)

The stag was going to be a boat in the med for a weekend - 750 each (incl flights, catering etc) and calling to the local for beers for the boat.
This was a week before the wedding which was in an old house miles from anywhere where the rooms cost 300 each a night, on top of the 600 we were going to give for the gift (weddings in spain are not cheap matters). Staying somewhere else wasn't an option - spanish weddings go on till 5am and there is a lot of food and drink)

I spoke to the groom (a good friend, who just got caught up in everything) and said i couldn't make the boat due to other costs yaddie yada yada - he took it well. Fast forward 2 weeks and 3 others (out of 5) had cancelled due to the costs.

So we ended up in our local plaza with him drinking beers at 2E a pop for the night.

Moral is: if she is a good enough friend, she'll understand and won't mind if you can't make it - the wedding is the one everyone remembers.

movingsucks

Who's organising the hen, the bride or her friends? She mightn't know how much it costs so maybe say it to the bridesmaids.
If the bride is a good friend to you she will understand your financial pressures, if she's not then don't be worried about offending her
Offer to bring for a drink or a girly DVD night closer to the wedding if you feel the need to give her a little send off

Honey-ec

Perhaps a few of you who feel the same could speak to her maid of honour, who could approach her with the suggestion of having the hen somewhere else? A friend of mine who got married in Italy last year also wanted to go away (in Ireland) for her hen. The wedding was costing the guts of €1,000 to attend as it was, so a group of us just told the MOH out straight that it was a bit ridiculous for the bride to expect people to cough up another couple of hundred quid for a night away for her hen party.

Apparently she wasn't too impressed initially, but she accepted that people simply couldn't afford it and ended up having her hen in Dublin and we had a cracking night.

sambuka41

I would speak with the person organizing the hens and explain that there is no way you can afford both. That is very expensive for both wedding and hen. My friend is getting married later this month, the hen will be €135 for food, accommodation and some kind of class. The hotel stay for the wedding is €105. All nice places too. It can be done much cheaper than that.