Abortion Concerns..Please Help

LegacyUser

I am looking for help and hopefully some positive anecdotes, my oh is pregnant and we're looking at an abortion.

We are a long term couple, getting married in September and also both in full time stressful careers, we have a beautiful 2yo child and are a very happy little family.

Right now a baby would be too much for her as she has so many concerns and also she suffered very bad post natal depression. The time is really not right for us, we have sat down and discussed this as responsible people, the same way we did when we found out about first pregnancy which we discussed and decided to go with, thank god!

We discussed it properly only one and it was like we both were on the same wavelength automatically, but I'm so afraid that she won't feel right after this and I am so worried about the effect it could have on her in the future.

I hate to say it but I doubt we will change our minds, I cant sleep since I found out three days ago between reading stories on the internet and running scenarios through my head.
It seems a lot of couples break up or are seriously damaged after an abortion.

I have been trying to justify this to her and myself too by saying an abortion after four weeks isn't a child just cells and that in two or three years time we will get that baby back as it hasn't even begun to form as a child.

Silly thoughts are entering my head now like; in two months will we still have the care free laughs and even thought about how this will affect our sex life (Sounds very shallow I know) but again I just hate anything changing between us, our plan is to go to UK in two weeks as the doctors told her she has to be four weeks before medical abortion.

Our plan is to see a counsellor after the trip and put the issue behind us, of course there is no guarantee it will be that easy. Has anyone ever been in similar situation and got back to normal?

My oh will not speak to ANYONE she knows about this so appreciate any words of help

Neyite

All. This is NOT a thread to debate pro-life/pro-choice issues. Bans will be handed out if posters do not adhere to answering the specific concerns addressed in the OP

lazygal

I know you said she won't speak to anyone, but I'd strongly suggest she go for some impartial counselling. There's a lot of rogue agencies so be very careful where you go but there's always a benefit to talking things through fully.

I hope you manage to deal with the situation as best you can.

Honey-ec

I definitely think you would both benefit from counselling before you travel. Get in touch with Positive Options, they're the state crisis pregnancy agency and they'll put you in touch with impartial, non-judgemental counselling services. I can't stress enough how important this is - the last thing you need is to inadvertently end up in front of someone with a strong agenda either way and, unfortunately, there are a lot of rogue agencies out there who will outright lie about their ethos in order to get you in front of them.

www.positiveoptions.ie

Best of luck to both of you, whatever you decide to do.

P. Breathnach

private problem wrote: »

... Our plan is to see a counsellor after the trip and put the issue behind us, of course there is no guarantee it will be that easy....

Not much wrong with that, but I think she should also see a counsellor before the trip. Perhaps the same one.

Has anyone ever been in similar situation and got back to normal?

Not me (I'm male). I know people who have. It's not that rare.

My oh will not speak to ANYONE she knows about this so appreciate any words of help

I can understand that, and think she is right not to complicate relationships with people in her life.

CaraMay

Just be sure not to push her in any direction as she may resent you afterwards.

Merkin

To echo the sentiments above, please go for counselling before you go ahead. I've thankfully never had an unwanted pregnancy and have never had to make what must be a heart-breaking decision but every person I know who has had a termination have been traumatized afterwards. It may seem like the easier option sometimes but that's not necessarily the case. I'm not saying it's not the right decision for you both but at least make sure that your decision is as informed as possible and if you do go ahead you are both armed with the tools to support one another and deal with the flood with emotions before and after the procedure. I hope you both make a decision that you are happy with. All the best x

Abi

Do whatever you can to get her to change her mind about this OP, it's important. A woman cannot go through this without support.

My sister went through this, only she never had any counselling for it. I will tell you now she is still messed up about this, and no matter how many times I plead she keeps shunning the idea. It's something that is never out of her head.

Offer to come along with her to counselling, as she will need support from all angles.

LegacyUser

Okay just to explain, we've agreed that we will go see a counsellor for as long as it takes after the trip. I think people misunderstood when I said she won't talk to anyone she knows (mam, sister, friend etc).

I would never push her in any direction i'm taking her lead and we've both came to same conclusion.

I have a long shot idea; background info is we have to go to a clinic in UK for procedure and the doctor must check there is something there on scan after this he will give her a pill to cause a miscarriage (hard to type this), I was thinking of writing to the clinic and asking could the doctor say "there is nothing there you must have just miscarried, here is the pill anyways as you need it either way to clear yourself out" and by doing this relieve her of the emotions which are going to come after. Kind of take away the decision from her.

I know that sounds silly and a doctor can probably not do that as its unethical or such but I would gladly carry the weight of the world so she would get back to herself and not have this playing on her mind.

I'd love someway to relieve her of guilt or remorse etc as deep down she will go ahead with this and won't be changing her mind.....such a horrible situation as either way I can see her slipping back into depression

Abi

It's a thoughtful idea OP, but I really don't think a doctor would lie about it -even if it is a white lie.

Neyite

a doctor cannot do that OP, the patient must be fully on board with the decision that she signs for. How would they know you were not tricking her into an abortion.

I'm with my partner nearly a decade, and in the hospital with our antenatal appointments and subsequent caesarean birth, I was the one they made sign things, and made sure I was fully understanding of what procedures they planned to do. He was legally, a stranger to me as we are not married. You will be the same on the day. Her next of kin would probably be like mine and would be her mother.

dixiefly

private problem wrote: »

I am looking for help and hopefully some positive anecdotes, my oh is pregnant and we're looking at an abortion.

We are a long term couple, getting married in September and also both in full time stressful careers, we have a beautiful 2yo child and are a very happy little family.

Right now a baby would be too much for her as she has so many concerns and also she suffered very bad post natal depression. The time is really not right for us, we have sat down and discussed this as responsible people, the same way we did when we found out about first pregnancy which we discussed and decided to go with, thank god!

We discussed it properly only one and it was like we both were on the same wavelength automatically, but I'm so afraid that she won't feel right after this and I am so worried about the effect it could have on her in the future.

I hate to say it but I doubt we will change our minds, I cant sleep since I found out three days ago between reading stories on the internet and running scenarios through my head.
It seems a lot of couples break up or are seriously damaged after an abortion.

I have been trying to justify this to her and myself too by saying an abortion after four weeks isn't a child just cells and that in two or three years time we will get that baby back as it hasn't even begun to form as a child.

Silly thoughts are entering my head now like; in two months will we still have the care free laughs and even thought about how this will affect our sex life (Sounds very shallow I know) but again I just hate anything changing between us, our plan is to go to UK in two weeks as the doctors told her she has to be four weeks before medical abortion.

Our plan is to see a counsellor after the trip and put the issue behind us, of course there is no guarantee it will be that easy. Has anyone ever been in similar situation and got back to normal?

My oh will not speak to ANYONE she knows about this so appreciate any words of help

I would very much support the other posters urging councelling. I get the feeling that you are not 100% in favour of the abortion and was struck by the comment above. You won't get that baby back even if you do have another child and that may be a source of regret in the future.

The pregnancy may be a bit too much for you at the moment as your jobs are v stressful but your fiancé would get maternity leave and this might not add as much to the stress as you might think. You did mention the post natal depression. However, that is something that a good counsellor could assess.

I think you should try and identify a counsellor asap and go in with an open mind as, in my opinion, considering your commitment to each other and your child, you should seriously consider keeping the child. There are many mums and dads out there that were extremely upset at a pregnancy, both inside and outside marriage who are now 100% happy that they kept the child.

Very best of luck, it is not easy for either of you.

Beruthiel

private problem wrote: »

We discussed it properly only one and it was like we both were on the same wavelength automatically

I hate to say it but I doubt we will change our minds

From what you say, you are both clear in your minds, no?

Is your partner the kind of person who makes decisions and regrets them later?
Does she know herself well in this department?
By that I mean, I know myself well and never regret decisions I have made in the past, even the bad ones.
That is because, at the time it seemed the right one to me and regretting something that cannot be changed is a wasted emotion.

If you truly believe this will effect her and she will regret it, then as others have said, a chat with a professional before she takes the next step would be advisable.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

as someone who has been through what your about to do i find this hard to even write.
I was in a similar situation to you a couple of years ago, we went to the u.k and had a termination. Joint decision. I dont think anything will ever prepare you for it,the people where nice and good aftercare etc, you see a councillor first etc.

Afterwards we both felt guilt,shock, wondered had we done the right thing and so on, all what ifs.I Didnt want sex for a while, couldnt face it. We talked about it,it was hard.Even now it plays on our minds. I cant say we were carefree afterwards.
We are still together, it wasnt a great time b4 in our relationship and we werent ready. We both have some regrets but know it was the right thing for us at the time, and now we are planning our future and family so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Hope this is of some help

keesa

I wont comment on any personal feelings on abortion but I have heard that abortion can seriously affect the woman's mental health, through guilt and trauma etc. that she's been through depression before should be taken into account with that too. I'd also do some serious research on the doctor doing it because complications can happen, more often in later term.

I would definitely consider visiting a counsellor here first. Make sure they are impartial. Cura do post-abortion counselling, but do not encourage abortion as an option for crisis pregnancies for example.

The decision should be done ASAP the baby is growing everyday and it would better to do it soon if that's the decision you will take.

Forever Hopeful

OP,

Let me begin by saying that everyone has the right to decide what's best for themselves.
You say you and your partner are getting married in September? Is the wedding booked etc? That is 9 months away.
A wedding is a wedding and can be postponed if things change.
You are committed to each other and already have a family. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason.
None of us can predict the future BUT the advise given here has been extremely constructive.
Can you show her this?
I wish you and your partner all the best in whatever decision you make.

keesa

I'm also a little concerned about how uncomfortable you are with this. Abortion isn't just about the mother. Might do no harm to see someone yourself before

kat.mac

Hi OP,

The only advice I can give here is to go and see a counsellor *before* ye make the firm decision to have the termination. Only ye can really know what's best for yer family, but I can relate to the fear you have of 'losing' your OH to depression. I would be wary of seeing the termination as a way to make sure she doesn't get the PND again... but again, it may very well be the best thing for ye at this point in time. I strongly urge ye to talk to a professional (who is reputable and will not judge or influence the decision either way) BEFORE ye go any further.

For the future, bear in mind that whatever decision ye do make, was the best decision ye could make in the circumstances. I wish you and your partner all the very best x

hattoncracker

private problem wrote: »

I am looking for help and hopefully some positive anecdotes, my oh is pregnant and we're looking at an abortion.

We are a long term couple, getting married in September and also both in full time stressful careers, we have a beautiful 2yo child and are a very happy little family.

Right now a baby would be too much for her as she has so many concerns and also she suffered very bad post natal depression. The time is really not right for us, we have sat down and discussed this as responsible people, the same way we did when we found out about first pregnancy which we discussed and decided to go with, thank god!

We discussed it properly only one and it was like we both were on the same wavelength automatically, but I'm so afraid that she won't feel right after this and I am so worried about the effect it could have on her in the future.

I hate to say it but I doubt we will change our minds, I cant sleep since I found out three days ago between reading stories on the internet and running scenarios through my head.
It seems a lot of couples break up or are seriously damaged after an abortion.

I have been trying to justify this to her and myself too by saying an abortion after four weeks isn't a child just cells and that in two or three years time we will get that baby back as it hasn't even begun to form as a child.

Silly thoughts are entering my head now like; in two months will we still have the care free laughs and even thought about how this will affect our sex life (Sounds very shallow I know) but again I just hate anything changing between us, our plan is to go to UK in two weeks as the doctors told her she has to be four weeks before medical abortion.

Our plan is to see a counsellor after the trip and put the issue behind us, of course there is no guarantee it will be that easy. Has anyone ever been in similar situation and got back to normal?

My oh will not speak to ANYONE she knows about this so appreciate any words of help

Hi op,

I have been thriugh it 18 months ago.. I'm Still not over it 100% but I know it was the right decision for me. I went for counselling beforehand, but when I came home I thought I was fine until 6 months down the line when I started to try and find some support. She isn't alone, many women make this choice but she may be made feel that way because its such a hard thing to talk about with anyone. I found that to be the worst. Make sure she has one person, someone apart from you who she can be honest and trust with it. It will really help.

LegacyUser

op, it's a misnomer to say that every single woman that has a termination will be forever traumatised and haunted by it afterwards. everyone's psyche is different and it's rarely that two people will react to the exact same situation in the exact same manner. so no matter what you read in this thread, no one know how this will affect your wife in the future. not us, not you, and possibly not even her.

i will say that when i had an abortion i was in an awful place in my life. not in a relationship, unemployed, suffering from depression, drowning in my own misery in a crappy bedsit with no hope or future. after i came back from the UK it was like a new chapter in my life and i have never looked back. do i ever do the what ifs? of course i do, whenever i see a child who would be the same age. but not with sadness. i look at the situation i was in at the time with reality glasses so to speak. i was in no clear mental state to go through a pregnancy, never mind give birth and deal with the resulting child. no state what so ever.

as a final thought, i accompanied a friend to the UK last year for an abortion. i was more than happy to go with her because i think these things are easier if you have someone to say ''no that's fine, i felt like that too'' etc. anyway, she was given the number of the clinic's own councelling service and did avail of it a few weeks after she had the termination and from what she told me of it, it was a brilliant service, moreso she said because she could be comfortable at home, and there was a level of intimacy to it as she didn't have to travel anywhere and sit in a bland room face to face with someone. something maybe your wife could avail of on top of whatever you both arrange.

it's never an easy descision, and i truly wish you both the best of luck in the future. x

Andrea B.

Has anyone ever been in similar situation and got back to normal?

deleted as OP will hopefully have read.

CaraMay

Op I would worry about any decisions your wife makes while in the throes of pnd.

LegacyUser

Hi

just wanted to give you my exp.. i was pregnant, in a relationship, already had two kids.
i got the counseling before, you have to with the clinics in england. i never thought i was trading one problem for another. its been 19 months and there hasnt been a day that goes by that i dont regret my decision. i actually broke up with my bf shortly afterwards. the guilt destroyed me, drank way to much for about 12 months just to forget, my behavior was off the wall. it affected me in ways i never thought possible. i punished myself.

im not saying she will be like me, i just want you to know especially if your a mother already this is a HUGE decision and its hard to live with, so very hard. Take your time with it and be kind to one another.
Good luck

pwurple

Just thought I would let you know, post natal depression can happen after miscarriage and abortion, just as it can after giving birth. The hormone fluctuations are similar in all three. She would have both a history of depression, plus the added risk factor of pregnancy loss here, so there is risk of reoccurance. Look after her.

Magicmatilda

You say that you discussed it and it was like you were both on the same wavelength but who suggested the abortion? You speak about your fears but does she have any fears? you don't mention that. Also was she treated for the post natel depression? I strongly suggest you seek counselling together before having the abortion. I am pro choice but it's just that you don't seem very sure about this and it is the sort if thing that you should be sure about and should not be rushed.

Isolt

The thing that concerned me the most in this thread is the OP returning to ask about the possibility of arranging with the clinic to let the wife believe that the scan was empty. If you feel that something like this is necessary then I can't see how you are really both 100% okay with this decision. Start the counselling tomorrow and then talk it over again after a couple of sessions. If she suffered from post natal depression, an abortion won't avoid her feeling low again as the same hormone fluctuations are at play. Take care of her. Good luck to her and you with whatever you choose to do.

suckmyloli

Hi there,

I had an abortion when I was very young (teenager). I went through a family planning clinic in Dublin 1 <snip> They organised the procedure in the UK did counselling before and after (both are quite important).

It was the right decision at the time and they were very supportive especially since I was extra scared and so young. (Just FYI my parents were involved).

I (like your OH) did not open my mouth to ANYONE for many years, as I got older I opened up and told my closest friends, after all no one else needed to know. Once I told them it was such a relief, it felt like a huge weight lifted carrying this massive secret around.

It may be helpful for her to open up after when she is ready, a true friend is there through anything and everything. I hope that helps.

X

We do not permit posters to ask the OP to PM them in this forum. Please read the Charter.