How to fix this relationship

goose1

Hi

So many problems in this relationship but I need to STRESS, we both love each other like crazy and want this to work so so badly...

I am male, was on Erasmus last year and, while we were broken up for 2 months to have some space, slept with someone else. We were each others onlies before this, it really meant something to her. She is, understandably, upset.

I also met someone else I liked a lot, did not compare to the ex though and so I went home and won her back, thereby ending things with new girl.

When we fight our fights are crazy and dramatic and, looking back, embarrassing. These dramatic fights only happen when drunk. We are equally to blame. She once started a particularly stupid fight when I was suffering a bereavement which nearly broke me. I have said things about her family and friends which I don't actually believe, yet she finds it hard to trust me now.

A month into our rel. I cheated on her. I didn;t love her then and can't explain how much I regretted it. She seems to have mostly forgiven me.

I saw on tv a psychologist tell a fictional couple that they had become one rather than two and so all external factors seemed a threat. That seems true. We do seem like one person, which we love mostly, but she does see my outside interests, mainly rugby, a threat to us. I also am threatened by men she is friendly with though usually won't say.

She cries if I show any interest in other women ie an attractive actress, literally 'she's pretty', nothing sleazy

I sometimes forget/am too busy having fun to text her...this happens say, once a month, she needs a text every day

I don't feel the need to talk to her much when we are apart although I miss her terribly and cannot wait to meet with her again

I made a very big point of the fact I have never lied to her, tbh using it against her quite often, til she discovered lies I told her...not major ones but she now finds it hard to trust

During one of our stupid, dramatic fights I told her I cheated on her/had sex with 7 girls while we were long distance...this is untrue but I knew it would kill her...I feel awful now sober but she doesnt trust me as a result...she basically does but there are doubts.

She doesnt think I treat her the same as before..this might be true I dont know

She had a very upsetting incident with her friends recently, I was away while she was dealing with it and didnt ask for updates as I didnt want to upset her..Im the bad guy?

She also has family issues which I have brought up in drunken arguments...I am the only one she's told...I get its awful but she says bad stuff to me too.

We WANT to stay together, if you're going to say break up just dont comment.

Ideally the first issue to fix is the one whereby external factors are a threat as we feel this drives most of our fights...

Thanks x

bakergirl91

Hey op. Ye both appear to be pretty immature throwing those kind of things at each other. Te both need to sit down and discuss what ye want from each other. For example its clear she wants more attention and support.... yet at the same time a balance needs to be found. Ye need to support one another. Relationships are a two way system. Both of you are to blame for the trouble your relationship is in, however, cheating certainly did not help, and purposely wanting to to hurt her is really cruel. Ye both need to grow up, as sorry will only go so far. Actions speak louder than words, which is why ye need to change the structure of your relationship into something healthier.
Ye both need to discover how to trust eachother. Yes it is natural to be jealous and threatened by other guys, but what does that say about you ? Do you not trust her? And she clearly doesnt trust you.... crying at a small comment on a girl being pretty on the tv is extreme to say the least. And regarding her feeling threatened by the rugby, thats ridiculous. You need to have your own life too and own hobbies and what not. Ye really really need to have a serious talk, without fighting because that clearly gets ye no where.

You mentioned that ye only fight after drinking. What i suggest is removing that type of socializing from your relationship for now. Why not change it up a bit and go for walks, movie nights etc? To be honest op, not having trust in a relationship does not sound too promising..... however, it is clear you are mad about her. I hope i havent sounded too harsh, since i commend you for being honest about your own actions towards her. Ye would have to go back to basics it seems if ye truly want to stay together, to rebuild the trust in the relationship. Ye need to be honest with one another when ye talk, because thats all you have built with her in the fights, dishonesty by claiming you have slept with however many girls..... how can she trust you ? I think that is the only way in order to stop the fighting over the external factors, and it certainly wont work if either of you are not 100 % committed to making it a healthy relationship again. best of luck to ye op !

Esoteric_

Honestly, I do not see this relationship working, because it sounds absolutely toxic and damaging, but since you want advice on ways to fix it, here goes.

The external factors that are threatening you - They're not. Your (by your, I mean both of you) jealousy and trust issues are. How can you say you love each other, when you patently do not trust each other? You BOTH need to do something about your jealousy, insecurity and trust issues.

Her jealousy - can you blame her? You've cheated on her, hooked up with someone else while on a break up (nothing wrong with that, but it could contribute to an already jealous person's jealousy) and have told her you cheated on her seven times! Seriously? Why would you do and say those things? Saying that is absolutely disgusting, and it's no wonder she doesn't trust you and gets jealous! Her finding rugby a threat is ridiculous, though, and an indication of her own insecurities.

Your jealousy - you don't like her having male friends? Really? Mate, YOU are the one who cheated, while she stayed faithful so you should have absolutely no reason to feel jealous or insecure. That's all down to you, and something you need to work on.

The drunken arguments - stop drinking. You're clearly both bad drunks if you have ridiculous arguments when you're drunk, so stop drinking, or at least stop getting drunk since it's clearly harming your relationship.

The contact thing - If she's already feeling insecure and jealous and lacking in trust, I can understand why she'd want to text more than you do. Her getting upset if you forget to text back is ridiculous. People go out and do things, they forget to text back, it's not a big deal.

Saying things about her family - WHY? Why the heck would you do this?

Tbh, it seems as though you love goading her. Insulting her family, telling her you cheated, all these nasty, horrible things you're saying just to get a reaction. That's horrific. Do you want more attention from her? If so, get it in a good way.

You both sound extremely immature and like teenagers to be frank. It is absolutely NOT outside factors causing these problems, it is the way you both deal with outside factors that is causing it. You sound like you both have serious personal issues that need addressing before either of you can have a healthy, happy relationship with anyone.

I'm not being smart, but why do you want to stay together? Sounds like you both treat each other like something you scraped off of your shoe to be perfectly honest. What you're telling us here isn't a story about two people who love each other, it's a story about two people who have a terrible relationship but are, for some reason, completely dependent on the drama that this relationship provides. How can you say you love each other when you treat each other like that, seriously?

goose1

I understand.....but still we do love each other...I havent mentioned all the times when our love is just beautiful according to everyone else, nobody else gets us, not even that, she recently made me a beautuful meal and before I went abroad she tried to make a special book which contained pics of all my friends with a message..she was a bitch..TRUE...and so I ripped apart this in front of her...maybe that was harsh....Only reason we are together is we love you I know how bad it sounds..

goose1

ps why do we want to stay together?? I have adored her since we started kissing, she knows I love her, I have stood up for her with love...I adore her and want her properly, not as a silly argument between companies ie me and you ??

Esoteric_

goose1 wrote: »

I understand.....but still we do love each other...I havent mentioned all the times when our love is just beautiful according to everyone else, nobody else gets us, not even that, she recently made me a beautuful meal and before I went abroad she tried to make a special book which contained pics of all my friends with a message..she was a bitch..TRUE...and so I ripped apart this in front of her...maybe that was harsh....Only reason we are together is we love you I know how bad it sounds..

... She made you something that took her time, effort and a hell of a lot of thought and love, and you ripped it apart because she was a 'bitch?' That's honestly disgusting.

I get that you guys love each other, but love alone isn't enough to sustain a relationship, and honestly, what you describe sounds more like co-dependency than actual love.

If you're both 100% serious and committed to making it work, I'd recommend you both go for therapy separately, and then for relationship counselling.

How long have you been together, if you don't mind me asking?

LegacyUser

The problem is so obvious.

1. You cheated on her.

2. You now know how easy it is to cheat...

3. You are now paranoid that she might "get back" at you and cheat (after all, you deserve it!)...

4. ...Which makes you angry....

5....Which makes you act like a dickhead...

6. See point 3 and repeat....

Neither of you seem to be able (or willing) to break the cycle. Get out of there now. Or grow up.

ibarelycare

What a toxic relationship. You treat her absolutely horribly. She has trust issues (understandable). She is needy. You're both controlling. You have crazy fights.

This is probably the first serious relationship for both of you so I can understand that you don't want to let go and think that you'll never love anyone as much, but it sounds like an absolute headwrecker of a relationship. Are either of you really happy?

CaraMay

Love is only one spoke on the relationship wheel and you don't have the others I.e respect, honesty, truth, faith, support etc Etc

This relationship is nasty and toxic and really should be ended

DeltaWhite

she tried to make a special book which contained pics of all my friends with a message..she was a bitch..TRUE...and so I ripped apart this in front of her...maybe that was harsh

If my OH did that to me I would have landed a bitch slap right on his face and that would have been the last he saw of me!

How can you class your relationship as "love"?? fair enough I'm a stranger, I dont know the full ins and outs of it all but from your posts, I reckon that this relationship is only going to become more toxic and brutally mean then it already is.

I would say the options you have are: go to a counsellor, both of you and sort out all the problems/differences and move on with your lives

Or (which I would say is for the best) both go your seperate ways before you both get really heartbroken!!

Abi

You both need to control what you drink if these fights are a result of it. You should never, ever say anything to your OH to hurt them. This destroys the trust and respect a couple have for each other. Nothing good will ever come of it.

Why, when your relationship is already in serious trouble over infidelities would you lie about having several more?! Are to trying to completely break the girl?

What you did with that book must have killed her. Her heart and soul must have gone into that for you. You do treat her terribly.

Now I'm sure she can say hurtful things, but the two of you are in it. You might love each other but it is in a very dysfunctional way. Too much has happened. All I see is jealousy, hurt, and deliberate attempts to fück with each others heads.

You need to split up in my opinion, and a lot of growing up needs to be done, on both sides.

RossFixxxed

I wrote a longer post but can easily sum this up:

IT IS OVER.

You have been absolutely dreadful to her, let it go and move on for her sake as well as yours. It is toxic and will leave both of you in a terrible state when you grow up and enter an adult relationship.

LegacyUser

If she was my daughter I would take her as far away as possible from you and stop all contact, you are in danger of damaging her emotionally, your relationship is in no way a loving relationship but a sadistic form of mental torture. Your relationship ended when you cheated and now both of you are feeding off the dead carcass and confused about what to do next as neither of you have the courage to walk away.