False accusations/possible harassment.

Esoteric_

This is an awkward one, but I have no idea how to handle it.

Months ago, I kissed someone on a night out a couple of times, I'll call him Tom. He is best friends with a guy I know, who I'll call Mark.

When I was 15, I was at a party at Mark's house. He gave me beer (we were all drinking), and I got drunk from two bottles, as kids do. He tried to kiss me, I pushed him away, no harm done.

When I was talking to Tom, I told him about that, and we laughed about it and he said it was typical of Mark. :pac:

Since then, Tom has been trying to get me to go out with him. I'm currently seeing someone and have been for a while, and made it very clear to Tom, even before I started seeing this new guy that I wasn't interested in dating him.

He texted me constantly over the past few months, and eventually yesterday I told him to leave me alone, that I wanted no contact. Since then, he has texted me about 15 times.

Now, he is messaging my sister on Facebook, telling her that I accused Mark of child abuse and molestation, and that he has texts to prove it, which is completely untrue. The texts he has (if he saved texts from several months ago!) were talking about how Mark tried to get 'stuck in' when I was drunk, which is slang around here for kissing, and how I said no, he tried again and I said no again. Typical childish crap, nowhere even close to sexual assault!

He is telling Mark that I accused him of sexual abuse/assault, and is showing him the text, which I presume he will have edited and saved or something, because I have absolutely never accused Mark of that, he's my friend's brother!

Is there anything I can do about this? All because I spurned the advances of someone, there are now disgusting, untrue rumours in the area about me, and this could have bad consequences for me because I live in what would be known as a rough area.

One of his texts was vaguely threatening. I told him 'I do not want any communication with you, and if you continue to text me, I will have no option but to call my network and get your number blocked. Please do not contact me again.' I kept it very business-like, in case his texts continued and I had to go to the police. His response was some garbled words, followed with 'You think you can talk to me like that? We'll see about that. I'm going to tell Mark what you said to me, oh look, he's right next to me now, wonder if I should tell him now or later lol, I'm sure you can respect that.'

Is there anything I can do? I'm genuinely scared of the consequences of this. Neither of us are teenagers, despite how childish this episode is. I'm 23, he's 27.

DeltaWhite

That chap is a sad act... For his age you would think he would have a bit of cop on. Very bad sore loser IMO.

You know yourself to keep all texts as proof if you end up going to the gardaí. That may seem extreme but he doesnt seem to be showing any signs of relenting. Ps.. fair play to you sticking to the professional responses back to him! Keep that up

Out of curiousity, has "Mark" contacted you about this? Or have you contacted him? I think the best thing is to assure him that this chap is out of order, making up lies and false accusations which you will treat seriously if they continue. If "Mark" is fine with that, get that nutter's number blocked asap. He is only going to drive you mental with this childish carry on.

P. Breathnach

I once had an aggrieved person bad-mouthing me (not a relationship issue, but that's not really relevant). I wrote him a letter, quite formal in tone, telling him to stop or I would take legal action. He stopped.

Esoteric_

DeltaWhite wrote: »

That chap is a sad act... For his age you would think he would have a bit of cop on. Very bad sore loser IMO.

You know yourself to keep all texts as proof if you end up going to the gardaí. That may seem extreme but he doesnt seem to be showing any signs of relenting. Ps.. fair play to you sticking to the professional responses back to him! Keep that up

Out of curiousity, has "Mark" contacted you about this? Or have you contacted him? I think the best thing is to assure him that this chap is out of order, making up lies and false accusations which you will treat seriously if they continue. If "Mark" is fine with that, get that nutter's number blocked asap. He is only going to drive you mental with this childish carry on.

Thanks. I have started keeping all of his texts, from the point I told him to leave me alone, because his texts before that were innocuous.

I haven't tried to speak to Mark, but now I believe that that is a good thing, because Tom has messaged my sister again. My sister responded to the accusations on Facebook, saying that I quite clearly stated that Mark tried to kiss me (which he did, we were all drunk ffs!). Tom is now saying 'Yes, but that's child abuse because he was over 18 and she was 15, and I told Mark about it and he wanted to kill her a few months ago when he saw her, but I told him not to, and now we're telling his sister (one of my good friends!) that she accused him of abuse.'

These rumours are fúcking vile!! I can stop him from texting me, which is handy, but these rumours could cause some serious trouble for me because people involved in the situation are the kind to use their fists and not their words to solve issues.

Esoteric_

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I once had an aggrieved person bad-mouthing me (not a relationship issue, but that's not really relevant). I wrote him a letter, quite formal in tone, telling him to stop or I would take legal action. He stopped.

Thanks, mate. I was considering this, but I don't have his address and I'd prefer not to text it to him, because, judging from how he's reacted thus far, he'd send me a barrage of texts again.

Carriexx

Would you think about getting your brother to contact Mark, and explain the situation? As Im sure mark prob knows nothing about this. A**hole, you poor thing, try and remember this is exactly how he wants you to feel. It will all be fine!!

Esoteric_

Carriexx wrote: »

Would you think about getting your brother to contact Mark, and explain the situation? As Im sure mark prob knows nothing about this. A**hole, you poor thing, try and remember this is exactly how he wants you to feel. It will all be fine!!

Do you mean my sister? I don't have a brother. :pac:

I am considering it, but I'm unsure, because I don't want to look like I'm defending myself too vigorously, that could just make me look guilty. That said, my sister has done a fine job of ripping him a new backside for what he's said to me so far.

I really don't know what to do. I'm taking all opinions on board, and thank you all so much. Hopefully the answers here will help me decide what to do, I've never been in this kind of situation before.

DeltaWhite

Wow! This is really unfair to you!

Well maybe if you make it known that you are going to the gardaí to report him for abusive behaviour and harrassment he may just back down? It's up to yourself if you really do go but I think maybe if he finds out you're going down that route it will scare the bejaysis out of him! Do you think he would be brazen enough to keep it up?

IMO.. he is totally sh*t stirring. He seems to be saying these things to your sister to scare you and I dont blame you being scared! There is NOTHING worse than being accused of saying something of a serious nature and to have it all backfire on you.

If it was me, I would be gone straight to the gardaí, even just to report it and make sure he hears through the grapevine just how serious you are!

P. Breathnach

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Thanks, mate. I was considering this, but I don't have his address and I'd prefer not to text it to him, because, judging from how he's reacted thus far, he'd send me a barrage of texts again.

I agree that it is best not to text him, mainly because text is an informal medium (and a text message is too short for a scarily-formal warning).

Can you not get somebody in your circle to find his address for you?

Esoteric_

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I agree that it is best not to text him, mainly because text is an informal medium (and a text message is too short for a scarily-formal warning).

Can you not get somebody in your circle to find his address for you?

Yeah, I see it as too informal, but also too easy to edit and save new copies of. It's much too easy to manipulate texts to your own advantage.

I hadn't considered getting a friend to get his address, I'll call some friends and see if anyone has it. Thank you.

Carriexx

Sorry , i thought you said mark was your brothers friend, but its your friends brother!

I would get your sister to contact him, to put your mind at rest, or even you send him a text yourself and say his friend is harassing you and making up lies about you, and has he heard from him or anything?

Dont let yourself get knotted up with worry!

Esoteric_

Carriexx wrote: »

Sorry , i thought you said mark was your brothers friend, but its your friends brother!

I would get your sister to contact him, to put your mind at rest, or even you send him a text yourself and say his friend is harassing you and making up lies about you, and has he heard from him or anything?

Dont let yourself get knotted up with worry!

Haha, no problem, I knew what you meant, anyway.

Mark knows what's going on, because Tom told me in a text that he's out with him at the moment and is going to tell him what I said. But then he told my sister that he already told him months ago. I don't understand this.


Thing is, I know full well that I didn't say it. I also know that Tom's story doesn't add up and has gaping holes, which prove he's lying. Unfortunately, people will believe him.

Is this something the police would deal with, if it continued?

Carriexx

Lynda, If he told him why would he still be threatening you? I doubt he has told him, d*ck. God I hate guys like this!!

I was getting harrasedd by an old school friend a few years ago. I went to the guards, they looked at the messages and listened to the voicemails, I just said I wanted everything noted as I didnt feel safe. And they were really nice. He gave me his mobile number and said to call him if it continued.

DeltaWhite

If you have a genuine fear for your life then I cannot see why the guards wouldnt help you! And I have to agree with Carriexx I think your man is filling you with BS. He is all talk without the balls to match I've seen 100's of wimps like him.. It's easy for him to pick on a girl especially one that's younger than him..

I dont think you should worry about this too much Lynda, I really do think it will fizzle out soon enough! He will get bored and move onto someone else to harrass (god love them)

up for anything

If I were you I would head down to the Garda Station (or maybe you have a friend a guard who would organise it for you) and make an informal statement about what has gone on - write it out and ask them to keep it on record for the the time being but not to do anything about it as you are worried about retribution. That way you've preempted a lot of crap down the line and if things get nastier or he does tell Mark then you have the basis for something legal and it doesn't look like a tit for tat. I would not tell a single soul that you have done it either.

judgefudge

up for anything wrote: »

If I were you I would head down to the Garda Station (or maybe you have a friend a guard who would organise it for you) and make an informal statement about what has gone on - write it out and ask them to keep it on record for the the time being but not to do anything about it as you are worried about retribution. That way you've preempted a lot of crap down the line and if things get nastier or he does tell Mark then you have the basis for something legal and it doesn't look like a tit for tat. I would not tell a single soul that you have done it either.

Great advice! For what's it worth it doesn't sound like he's told this Mark fella. I'd say he's just using it a way to keep winding you up. He sounds like a right immature git.

Esoteric_

judgefudge wrote: »

Great advice! For what's it worth it doesn't sound like he's told this Mark fella. I'd say he's just using it a way to keep winding you up. He sounds like a right immature git.

He has told him, and has also told Mark's sister (a friend of mine). I'm bloody fuming.

I'm going to leave it until tomorrow, as the messages have eased off for now. If it continues tomorrow, I guess I'll go to the police and get it sorted out. Thanks again, guys.

judgefudge

LyndaMcL wrote: »

He has told him, and has also told Mark's sister (a friend of mine). I'm bloody fuming.

I'm going to leave it until tomorrow, as the messages have eased off for now. If it continues tomorrow, I guess I'll go to the police and get it sorted out. Thanks again, guys.

Is she a good friend? Would she not understand that it's just yer man stirring up ****?

Esoteric_

judgefudge wrote: »

Is she a good friend? Would she not understand that it's just yer man stirring up ****?

She's a fairly good friend, but since the Tom is her brother's best friend, I have her believing me, and Mark believing Tom, which is making things awkward. :pac:

judgefudge

LyndaMcL wrote: »

She's a fairly good friend, but since the Tom is her brother's best friend, I have her believing me, and Mark believing Tom, which is making things awkward. :pac:

Well at least you have her on your side! Maybe she can have a word with him and explain things properly. What a mess over nothing!

LegacyUser

maybe Mark will believe you when he hears that you are intending to go to the police.

I would also block his number. As long as you are reading those texts then he is provoking a reaction in you. Go to the guards about this little Pr***k

Oh and I wouldnt be worried about this Mark fella either. He chooses to have him as his friend and chooses to believe the spite he is spouting about.....sounds like he doesnt take rejection well so you are well out of it.

P. Breathnach

I'm a bit concerned that people think this is a police matter. Yes, it is serious if a person tries to damage the good name of another, but it usually falls into the realm of civil law.

Can you imagine this scenario? OP makes a complaint to the Gardaí; they take a statement from her; then they haul Tom in for questioning; after that, they submit a file to the DPP; the DPP starts legal proceedings against Tom.

It doesn't happen that way.

If Tom maliciously damages OP's good name, that is defamation. Technically, it is a tort. The person who brings such a matter to court is not the DPP acting for the state; it is OP herself, telling the court that she was wronged, and asking the court to do something to right the wrong.

Anybody who is really interested can look it up here: http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/pdf/2009/en.act.2009.0031.pdf.

OP, it is because of the legal position that I advised you to write formally to Tom. If you decide to go that route, you might tell him that you are considering bringing an action under the Defamation Act 2009. Citing legislation often has a lot of impact in formal letters.

Esoteric_

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I'm a bit concerned that people think this is a police matter. Yes, it is serious if a person tries to damage the good name of another, but it usually falls into the realm of civil law.

Can you imagine this scenario? OP makes a complaint to the Gardaí; they take a statement from her; then they haul Tom in for questioning; after that, they submit a file to the DPP; the DPP starts legal proceedings against Tom.

It doesn't happen that way.

If Tom maliciously damages OP's good name, that is defamation. Technically, it is a tort. The person who brings such a matter to court is not the DPP acting for the state; it is OP herself, telling the court that she was wronged, and asking the court to do something to right the wrong.

Anybody who is really interested can look it up here: http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/pdf/2009/en.act.2009.0031.pdf.

OP, it is because of the legal position that I advised you to write formally to Tom. If you decide to go that route, you might tell him that you are considering bringing an action under the Defamation Act 2009. Citing legislation often has a lot of impact in formal letters.

To be honest, if I were to go to the police, it wouldn't be because of the specifics of what he has said, defamatory as they are. It's more a case of him contacting me non-stop. I have to wait til tomorrow to get credit to ring my network and block his number, and there have been over 20 texts since I told him to stop contacting me. I blocked him on Facebook and am not replying to his texts, so he starts to harass my younger sister through her Facebook account. That's where the problem lies. I don't want him arrested, I don't think his actions warrant that, but when my sister had an issue like this in the past, our local police station rang up the person causing the problem and told them if they continued, it would be seen as harassment. That's more along the lines of what I'd be hoping for, if the barrage of texts continues. Hopefully blocking his number tomorrow will be the end of it, but time will tell, I guess.

Starokan

I think you should contact mark either directly or indirectly through his sister (your friend ). Tell him you know what rumours are going around and that you 100% are not accusing him of anything.

Explain the texts are being taken totally out of context etc, i think he would be pretty happy to hear from you because from a guys perspective this is the worst possible rumour that could be thrown at him. Offer to go to the police with him to dispel any rumour if needed.

This is a horrible situation, i know from experience that its so difficult to counteract a lie, people tend to believe the worst unfortunately, i think only the absolute truth can repair whats happened and who better to share the truth than the two people being caught up in the story.

That Tom guy is pure toxic by the sounds of it, if he keeps calling/texting report him for harassament, nothing may come of it but it may stop him

Esoteric_

Thank you, everyone. I seriously appreciate the advice.

I was worried about contacting Mark to explain that I never accused him of anything, we were only joking about when he tried to kiss me when we were drunken kids, but I had been worried that he may see that as me trying too hard to defend myself, but I think I have no option but to speak to him.

I'm not going to go into much detail because it's long, complicated, and I'm tired from my boxing class (may come in handy if he keeps this up :pac: ), but things have escalated a bit, and I may have no option but to go to the police seriously about this.

Again, thank you for all of the advice, you have no idea how much I appreciate everyone's input.

castle

Why don't you just say to your friend and let her chat to her brother,would that not be more simple,he sounds like a bully

Mighty_Mouse

This guy believes he has the power to turn people against you.
Take that power away from him. Expose him
Write a text, email, and copy it to the people involved.

Write in a calm, clear and composed manner.
Explain that this guy is deliberately maliciously twisting your words to hurt you and create a scene.
Explain how he asked you out, you knocked him back and since the he has been frantically and intensely contacting you.

Explain that you have no problems with mark but that this guy is now scaring you and if this doesn't stop the next step is the guards.

I guarantee this guy will be so mortified he will have to leave town as his reputation as a psycho will spread.

I think that's a good idea tbh - and you can throw in that you have 100s of texts from him as proof that he's been harassing you and stirring sh!t just because you said no.

iusedtoknow

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

This guy believes he has the power to turn people against you.
Take that power away from him. Expose him
Write a text, email, and copy it to the people involved.

Write in a calm, clear and composed manner.
Explain that this guy is deliberately maliciously twisting your words to hurt you and create a scene.
Explain how he asked you out, you knocked him back and since the he has been frantically and intensely contacting you.

Explain that you have no problems with mark but that this guy is now scaring you and if this doesn't stop the next step is the guards.

I guarantee this guy will be so mortified he will have to leave town as his reputation as a psycho will spread.

This really is a great idea, people only have as much power over you as you give them.

This will put him completely on the defensive, and show him for what he really is

gmf1024

Going to the guards is a good idea. Show them the texts and ask for your complaint to be recorded. That way if this escalates, it will be harder for the guy to argue later when it is already there in black and white.

Usually the most that happens at that stage is that the guard would make a call and tell the person to stop in no uncertain terms. This can often do the trick.

Rather than go the defamation route, Section 10 of the NFOP Act '97 would be of more assistance -
http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/1997/en/act/pub/0026/sec0010.html

Witchie

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I'm a bit concerned that people think this is a police matter. Yes, it is serious if a person tries to damage the good name of another, but it usually falls into the realm of civil law.

Can you imagine this scenario? OP makes a complaint to the Gardaí; they take a statement from her; then they haul Tom in for questioning; after that, they submit a file to the DPP; the DPP starts legal proceedings against Tom.

It doesn't happen that way.

If Tom maliciously damages OP's good name, that is defamation. Technically, it is a tort. The person who brings such a matter to court is not the DPP acting for the state; it is OP herself, telling the court that she was wronged, and asking the court to do something to right the wrong.

Anybody who is really interested can look it up here: http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/pdf/2009/en.act.2009.0031.pdf.

OP, it is because of the legal position that I advised you to write formally to Tom. If you decide to go that route, you might tell him that you are considering bringing an action under the Defamation Act 2009. Citing legislation often has a lot of impact in formal letters.

No one is suggesting she gets the Guards to arrest or prosecute this guy! Its just a matter of informing them in case something else happens.

I had a guy stalking me and I was worried it would escalate to something more serious than him telling me he saw me in his town (miles from my own) and able to describe what I was wearing etc when I didn't even know what he looked like!

I talked to a guard friend of mine, sent him on the emails and texts that I had gotten and asked him to just keep a note of that in case something happened coz I really didnt know what I was dealing with.

It would be no harm for you to do this too Lynda as you really don't know much about this Tom guy. He could be harmless or he could be a total head case and it is better to be safe than sorry.

I would post a status on FB saying that you are having problems with someone who is hassling you and making up lies about you so that people know and can help you out.

Its horrible being in a situation like that and my heart goes out to you. x

Little Acorn

Can you get Mark's sister (your friend who believes you) to talk some sense into her brother and to tell him not to believe such ****e from Tom? You could ask her to explain to Mark the whole situation about you turning Tom down, what you really said, and how Tom is trying to twist it. Maybe if he hears it from his own sister, she could convince him to let you talk to him yourself to give your version of events.

(If you think about it, it's actually Tom who is calling his mate a child molester by bringing up the age difference thing and saying "he was 18 and she was 15", [does your sister still have that message from him?]
I would tell people that TOM is the one trying to make it sound like it was something sinister whereas you always said it was just harmless teenage shenanigans)

I also agree with a previous poster about exposing this guy and telling everyone involved EXACTLY what the situation is and what he is doing to you. And you are only 23 so what age is your younger sister who he keeps contacting on facebook? Let everyone know that he is a 27 year old man bullying and harassing both yourself (23) and your little sister. How fcking sad is he!

I also think you should follow the advice of the people on this thread about making a recorded statement/complaint to the guards that you may follow up on later if the harassment continues.

How have things escalated? Some people here with legal know how might be able to offer more advice if things have gotten more serious for you.

username123

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

This guy believes he has the power to turn people against you.
Take that power away from him. Expose him
Write a text, email, and copy it to the people involved.

Write in a calm, clear and composed manner.
Explain that this guy is deliberately maliciously twisting your words to hurt you and create a scene.
Explain how he asked you out, you knocked him back and since the he has been frantically and intensely contacting you.

Explain that you have no problems with mark but that this guy is now scaring you and if this doesn't stop the next step is the guards.

I guarantee this guy will be so mortified he will have to leave town as his reputation as a psycho will spread.

+1

He is counting on you being in fear or not wanting to escalate etc... Crazy people always count on others not willing to escalate - so escalate. Expose him - its your best move.