worst time of my life

LegacyUser

I am just looking for straight honest advice if anyone can help me, I just cannot think logically or see straight anymore.

My partner and I are in our mid twenties and have been together for almost 10 years and living together for the past 3 years. We met in secondary school and he was my first real love, my best friend, my everything.

With college and work commitments we didn’t / don’t see each other often, just mostly at weekends as he lives away during the week to avoid the long commute. This arrangement has worked well for us and we both looked forward to seeing each other at the weekends. We often discussed marriage and babies and settling down and we were both comfortable with the way things were developing between us and happy that we both knew we were on the same page.

Things between us were always great until about 1 year ago I noticed my feelings towards him were starting to change. I thought it was just a normal phase we were going through and said nothing, just hoped that things would all work out.
Sometimes I’d be left feeling disappointed when I made a special effort for him and he didn’t react they way I had hoped or showed little interest; little habits of his really started to bug me; he likes to be in control of things and doesn’t really compromise, but I love him and am a really quiet person and avoid confrontation and rows, so I say little about it and carry on. After a while, I began feel like we’re becoming more like housemates rather than a couple. I did say that to him but he couldn’t see why I felt like that and so to avoid a fight (we never had a real fight or row) I dropped it and carried on.

I’d look forward to seeing him so much at weekends and would suggest things like going out, or going for a romantic walk somewhere or just getting out and doing something together, but he nearly always replied ‘no’. He would prefer for the two of us to watch tv for the day, but that’s not me.. I can’t sit watching tv all day. I also noticed that when my parents came over to visit us that he would barely converse with them and one time he just disappeared upstairs and watched tv in the bedroom!? My parents are just normal, easy going, friendly people and they think the world of him, but it just seems to me that he can’t stand their company. I noticed that they don’t really visit me that often anymore, maybe they picked up on it and chose not to say anything to me in case they would upset me. When he visits my parents with me, he says a quick hello and disappears into the lounge and watches tv until it’s time to go. I asked him about his behaviour before but I never got much of an answer and I didn’t push it.

I’ve found that I enjoy spending time alone by myself, maybe it’s because I am alone most of the time anyway, even when he is at home, I feel alone.
All these thoughts and feelings have been brewing up inside me for months and I was just too afraid to say anything to him about it all because we only get to have afew hours at the weekend together and I wanted that time to be happy and not spent arguing, so I just kept my head down and went along with things, believing that everything would be ok and things would get better.

Just before Christmas I spent 3 weeks away from home as I was working in another part of the country and was doing alot of soul searching and thinking. My plan was to finally find strength and just say what I was really thinking and feeling to him when I got back home. However, whilst on a night out with my colleagues, we began chatting to the company around our table. I ended up chatting to a really nice guy, the same age as me (27) and as we got to know one another better I was completely awe struck by how much we had in common, from hobbies and interests to even having the same star sign! It was unreal.

I ended up telling him about my relationship and he offered a sympathetic ear and some advice which I appreciated and he told me all about his life and at such a young age I couldn’t believe all he had gone through and how mature he was. He told me he has two children and how the relationship with the mother fell apart and so on. I just wanted to cuddle him.

We just talked and talked and by the end of the night it felt as if we had known each other for years and years. As it happened he was living close by to where I was staying and we decided to meet up for a chat and a laugh the next day. I don’t know when I laughed as much and felt so so happy for the first time in a long long time. We really enjoyed each other’s company and just clicked. It was freaky how similar we were and could even tell what the other was thinking on something’s.

I felt carefree and happy and could really be myself. We met up again the following day and again for the other 3 days I was there. When it was time for me to go home, I was surprised that I felt such an ache in my stomach. I had gotten hugely fond of this person in a matter of days. He said I had given him the time of his life and that he never opened up or shared so much with any girl before. After his relationship broke down, he had built a wall around his heart but he realised after he met me that he wanted to be in a relationship again and that he wished that we could be together. He told me he had feelings for me and that he felt that I was the one for him but he understood my situation.

I gave him a hug to say goodbye and stupidly I gave in to temptation and we kissed. I was shocked by my reaction to kiss him and but then I couldn’t believe how it didn’t feel wrong to me.
To my surprise, when I got home to my partner I didn’t feel any guilt, I didn’t feel anything. I was just so confused.

As the days went on I found myself thinking more and more about the guy I met and couldn’t believe how much I was missing him. I received a friend request from him on facebook and accepted it straight away without thinking. We chatted nonstop and shared laughter and stories and talked about his children and how much it hurt him that he couldn’t see them opening their presents on Christmas morning etc, and I supported him as much as I could, but then it gradually got more about he wanted to know where he stood, was I going to work things out with my partner or would he ever have a chance with me? He believes we bumped into each other for a reason and believes with all his heart that we were meant to be together. He told me no girl has made him feel the way I make him feel and that he fell for me hard.

I couldn’t answer these questions as I didn’t know myself. My head was more melted about things now than ever before. Now what to do. Do I end my long term relationship and take a chance of happiness with this guy or do I try to make amends and save my relationship and forget the guy who could be my possible soul mate?! My head was wrecked and I decided I wasn’t going to do anything until after Christmas, as I didn’t want to wreck anyone’s Christmas. This was the day before Christmas eve, then on Christmas Eve my partner shocked the absolute life out of my by popping the question! I think my heart stopped momentarily and my jaw hit the ground.

My head and my heart was in utter turmoil and now this! I didn’t know what to say, I was dumbfounded. I should have been the happiest person in the whole world at that moment, but It was as if someone had gotten a knife and twisted it into my heart. Do I accept and then discuss my feelings with him later and hope things work out, like I’ve always done, or do I take the bull by the horns and just tell him how I feel and risk breaking his kind heart?
It was clear to me that he had absolutely no idea about how unhappy I had become so I just came clean and told him exactly how I was feeling in the nicest way possible and watched as the blood drained from his face and his loving eyes became teary before he left the house to be with his family for Christmas, as always. I could have cried a river that day and night. My heart was broke by his reaction and for doing that to him. Why didn’t I just muster up the courage and tell him sooner how I was feeling and avoid all this torture.

I definitely knew I had developed strong feelings for this other guy too... what the hell was happening to me?! What had I done. I just wanted to run away and never hear or see any of them again.

My partner and I spoke finally on St. Stevens day and he told me he was shocked by what I had said but on reflection, he could see why I was feeling the way I was. He just wished I had told him sooner. He told me he didn’t want to lose me and wants us to try again. I told him I needed time to think as I am now not sure what I want. My head and my heart are torn. No matter what I do now, someone gets hurt and I never meant to or set out to hurt anybody.

The guy I met has really fallen for me, he’s told me he loves me and needs me in his life. I have developed strong feelings for him too and just can’t stop thinking about him and miss him so much. I feel like I just want to cuddle him and take care of him and support him with his children, whom he doesn’t get to see as often as he’d like. But how can we feel the way we do after only knowing each other such a short time!? Maybe he’s right and we are meant to be? I just don’t know.

My partner is currently away with work but we are meeting soon to sort out where we go from here. He loves me and wants to spend his life with me, we have been together for almost 10 years and I do love him, but just not in love anymore. I always thought we would be together for life, but now I don’t know what I want.

They are both the two nicest people you could ever meet and deserve so much better and I am so scared of hurting either of them and our families would be devastated also. I feel like my head is about to explode. I am suffering in silence as I don’t have anyone who I confide in to offer unbiased advice.

I never meant for this to happen, the whole thing took me by surprise and happened so fast, that I am just left spinning.

Any help appreciated and thanks for taking time to read this.

LegacyUser

You sound a bit like me avoiding confrontation and an overactive conscience that guilts you to a devastating level. It really is a tough situation. You need to step away and decide what is right for you without letting guilt control you. There is a lot of questions you need to ask yourself without having guilt on top of it. 10 yrs is a long time and there are always going then to be times when you question is it the right person when you haven't had a relationship with anyone else. Did you just begin to get on really well with this new guy when your relationship seemed to be taking a bit of a slip? Is it just a bit of lust with the new guy, new butterflies etc? Are you only staying because it is such a long time? Would you consider leaving if you didn't meet the new guy and have given it another chance instead.

It sounds you were able to communicate with your partner what you thought you're relationship was missing. At the end of the day no matter which way you go you'll always wonder. It's not easy. You need to do what you feel in you're heart is right for you. Feelings are difficult enough without so much history on top. You say you're not in love with him anymore. Matters of the heart have some of the hardest decisions and can be extremely confusing and just emotion overload and you need time to isolate what you're feelings are saying to you. I don't think you should leave a relationship after 10 yrs because you found someone new, but leave if you are sure you don't want a future with them, that you no longer are in love with them and feel you never will feel the same love again for them.

I don't think any advice is good in these situations, but just try to take time to yourself, and relax. What I did once to isolate feelings as so many at once are overwhelming was write down what I was feeling it and why. For example, 'Right now I'm afraid, I'm afraid because.........I'm going to recognise these fears and let them go so I can focus on what I wantt for me'. Just keep going through the different feelings you have and isolate then what you do feel and want for you. As they say then throw it away and follow youre heart.

Anyway take you're time.

saiint

To be honest OP
you and your bf have been with each other for 10 years
from a young age until your middle twenties. No matter your age , after 10 years the spark goes , i think everyone can agree on that matter.
I can see where your coming from, your boyfriend is used to you too been together for so long , he is more comfortable with just doing his own thing , ie . goin upstairs to watch tv and doesnt worry about talking to your parents.

My dad , yes i said it , my dad is exactly like that, same thing hes still with my mam , they have been together 32 years and the most ive ever seen him say to my mams , ma and da are hello then he shoots off somewere

he also never goes out unless its with his friends(always been that way) some people are just born , i wouldnt say not social, but born in a way that they are more comfortable and would have more fun around people they would prefer. not saying he doesnt prefer talking to your mam or dad but seems as if he would feel awkward talking to them or that he would have nothing to say so he would probably be just sitting their.

natural as you said , your the opposite , you like going out , socializing etc...
you found someone with the same interests , same hobbies
but , ask yourself this

do you want to throw away a 10 year relationship? for someone who you've only met , whos to say hes not feeding you full of nonsense just because he thinks your really attractive
theirs also the case he has to children? could you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? cause i can guarrentee you the spark with this new man will go aswell.

IMO if i was you , i would personally sit down my boyfriend and talk to him about your problems , tell him your upset , that he wont go out on nights out, wont even bring you to dinner , and wont even talk to your mam and dad after 10 years of a relationship and that you cant see us lasting any llonger because this is not what you want for the rest of your life.
I can see how its unfair to you OP

its up to you to choose
but remember you guys only kissed
its cheating alright but its something most people can get over
hell if you do tell your boyfriend you kissed another man
maybe he would wake up to the fact that hes throwing the relationship down the drain?

ultimatly its up to you OP whoever you choose , only you know who you will be happy with
its a difficult situation , one which would certainly send me over the edge

wish you the best of luck OP

Calhoun

Honestly OP from reading your post it looks like you are trying to justify in your own head dumping your partner, you don't say anything really good about him all but this new guy you cant stop talking about.

Lets face it your emotionally cheating on your partner, you have already kissed this other guy and seem to be more emotionally attached to this new guy. I am not trying to judge here just pointing this out because the extent you have gone with this new guy shows you have serious relationship issues. Why do you want to be with your current partner?

As for the points on your partner, just some things to point out;

1. You have to stand up for yourself, not able to deal with the confrontation is causing problems because your not communicating when there is a problem. Sometimes you have to have a fight to set boundaries;
2. If you make special efforts for someone and they don't react well they dont happen again and you let them know why;
3. The living arrangement is a big part of your problem, your home alone he's off elsewhere working. By the time he finally gets home he just wants to relax after a hard weeks working and you want to do lots of special things. Maybe you dont see it as you guys dont live together 7 days a week but when you live with someone all the time there are plenty of times when you do mundane things;
4. Have you also considered how though it is to live like that your nearly like a vagrant no place is really home;
5. He's with you not your parent's, although his attitude could probably change to be a bit warmer you cannot force people to get along and talk. I have been with my partner nearly 5 years and i still find it difficult to talk to her family because they are her family and have so many experiences together and i have nothing in common with her folks other than her;

Then there is what you didn't say directly about your partner but said it when describing this other guy which is mature. Do you feel your partner is not mature? Something to think about as well, was this new guy really mature or was that something in your head (having kids doesnt make you mature).

Only you can answer these questions but i would really suggest putting your current partner out of his misery now, the list of things you described aren't very big and it just looks like your looking for that excuse to do it. You need to own up to the fact your not in love anymore and end it cleanly, if however you are in love with him well you got evaluate the good in addition to the bad your partner brings (i hope there not all bad but i suspect not from what i can see in the thread).

I will finish up by saying that the relationship with the new guy has gotten very fast in a very short period, do you really think it could work? It just sounds like you want to mother him as hes not seeing his kids and hes acting like sinn fein in opposition, its so easy to provide alternative solutions when your not on the hook at the moment. Is this really the right foundation to build a relationship upon?

Synyster Shadow

Just gonna chime in and say one little thing, Its hard not to think of how families and all will feel but how do you think you will feel after another 5 years has passed and your still in the same boat and the other boat (this sweet guy who you are having strong feelings for) has sailed? One little thing you said hit home for me on how your feeling and thats when you said
"I do love him, but just not in love anymore" thats powerful and I think you kinda have an answer somewhere in there you cant make yourself love him and its got a big part in a relationship. But no one here can say whats right or wrong for you, just put yourself first (easier said than done I know)

Lisha

Op all the other posters have raised excellnt points so all I will add is this

You should only stay with your boyfriend because of the future you could have together . You should not stay with him because of the past you share.

If its over let it go. Don't stay with him just because of the years past

Best of luck op

curlzy

Hey OP,

Haven't read anything besides your opening post so apologies if this repeats other posts.

I was in a 5 year relationship with a guy who, over the course of 2 years, lost his business and his young daughter was dianosed with cancer. In the meantime I came the realisation that I wasn't in love with him anymore, loved him but wasn't in love with him anymore, he felt more like a cousin or housemate than lover/partner.

Anywho, there was no way I could break up with him because of everything else that had already happened to him. So I just kept getting on with it even though I was dreadfully unhappy. I basically sacrificed my happiness for his. The result? I got very very very sick. Physically I was a wreck. In the end I bit the bullet and ended things, yes it was hard, but sweet jesus it was worth it. I have literally never had a moment's regret for ending things.

Two months later (6 years ago) I met the love of my life, who I'm engaged to now and we're getting married next year.

OP, things never work out when you sacrifice your happiness for another. End things with your partner and take a little time out. It could be that this new guy isn't the one for you but it seem so attractive in comparison to what you've come from if you get me?

So yeah my advise would be:
- end things with this partner and be very honest about why, he may learn from this and it could help him down the road.
- take some time out for yourself.
- take ANY new relationship slowly.
- NEVER put your happiness second again.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my dilemma and your advice, much appreciated. You have certainly given me food for thought and even though I'm still battling with myself over what to do, I feel a little better and a little more closer to resolving it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm not going to advise you on what you should or shouldnt do but I will say that your post looks like something very similar to something I posted just over a year ago and I'll tell you what happened.

I was with my partner for over twelve years, like you I had been with him since I was young although not quite as young as you. We were having fairly serious problems during which I became friends with and extremely emotionally attached to someone else. Like you, this guy appeared to falll head over heels for me, listened to my woes about my relationship, was a friend but with definite impications of something else. At the time I was convinced that I had fallen in love with this new guy. I broke up with my partner, not to get with the new guy but because I knew things were beyond fixable if I had feelings like that for someone else. Lo and behold, I got together with the new guy almost straight away and then ... bam! ... heartbreak hit like nobodys business. Was devasted by the loss of my relationship, was disgusted by the new guy in my life, saw him as a complete manipulator who didn't actually care about me at all but had only had his own agenda to have me for himself and within days he made my skin crawl and I wanted nothing further to do with him.

I'm not saying that our situations are the same but there are a couple of things I realised:

1) It's human nature, when someone is in love with, or in lust with, or obsessed with someone else that they display themselves in the best possible light, they can appear to be perfect, and it's not necessarily a manipulation but it's what people do to make themselves appear more attractive to the other person. If you haven't known someone long, you do not know them well.

2) I was looking for an escape from my relationship and subconsiously used this other person either to sabotage my relationship because I wasn't brave enough to stand up to the realisation that it wasn't what I wanted or I was using them as a safety net. Still not sure.

Someone on boards said to me at the time, and I paraphrase "If you torn between two different people, you don't actually want either". It's taken me a long time to realise how true this is (in my case anyway).

By the way, being single isn't a bad thing, and I'm not trying to talk you away from your relationship, but the thought of it can be terrifying when you've been with someone a long time. I'm happy by myself, and i'm alot older than you. And there's always other men, these two are not your only chance at happiness.


Listen to your gut and act on what it tells you. And be fair and honest to your man. The man that's been around for the last ten years.

LegacyUser

wow, thank you throwaway222222 you have really hit home with that one. You are so right in what you say.

What I have done is told my partner exactly how I was feeling and that I kissed another man and expected him to go berserk and rightfully so.... but instead he took it well and just said 'I'm so sorry I've been such an idiot'.. and would like for us to try again, now that he knows what's wrong and see if it can be fixed. I'm happy with that because I do love him and If it can't be fixed, well then so be it, but at least we'll have given it a shot and what will be will be...

With the other guy, I told him exactly how I was feeling and what I wanted to do... to my surprise he was delighted with my honesty said he knew in his heart that I would give it another go with my partner and that he completely understood and supported me. He thanked me for helping him see that he is now ready for a relationship and that he no longer has a wall built around heart.. he told me I'll always have a special place in his heart, as he will in mine, and wished me well.

I think I've done the right thing, I feel better about it all now and hopefully things work out.

Thanks so much to you all again for all your advice, very much appreciated!

Lisha

Best of luck op