If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)

Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

need advice

verysad · 2013-01-14 11:34:32

My 23 son drinks every night and manages to get up every morning and hold down a job. As soon as he gets paid he spends all his money and then hassles me for money after that. If he does not get it or enough of it from me he's abusive. He lives in rental accommodation, his room is absolutely filthy! He was thrown out of…

14-01-2013 11:34am

#1

verysad

Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4 ✭

Join Date: January 2013

Posts: 2

My 23 son drinks every night and manages to get up every morning and hold down a job. As soon as he gets paid he spends all his money and then hassles me for money after that. If he does not get it or enough of it from me he's abusive. He lives in rental accommodation, his room is absolutely filthy! He was thrown out of his last rental and will be thrown out of this one. He has been homeless before but managed to stay on the floors of others. I am the only person he can come to now for money etc. He cares about nothing or no one, not even himself. He scares me. I am so worried and upset, I don't know what's going to become of him. He won't take any offer of help with his problem from me, he say's he hasn't got one. I'm at my wits end. Help!

0

Comments

#2 14-01-2013 12:54pm

xzanti

Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 10,446 Mod ✭✭✭✭

Join Date: March 2005

Posts: 9823

Sorry to hear of your troubles..

Here's a similar thread from a short while back.. you might find some useful info herewith.

Best of luck

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056816902

0
#3 14-01-2013 5:14pm

verysad

Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4 ✭

Join Date: January 2013

Posts: 2

Thanks for that information and concern.

0
#4 15-01-2013 12:00pm

[Deleted User]
Posts: 8,016 ✭✭✭

Join Date: -

Posts: 8016

verysad wrote: »

My 23 son drinks every night and manages to get up every morning and hold down a job. As soon as he gets paid he spends all his money and then hassles me for money after that. If he does not get it or enough of it from me he's abusive. He lives in rental accommodation, his room is absolutely filthy! He was thrown out of his last rental and will be thrown out of this one. He has been homeless before but managed to stay on the floors of others. I am the only person he can come to now for money etc. He cares about nothing or no one, not even himself. He scares me. I am so worried and upset, I don't know what's going to become of him. He won't take any offer of help with his problem from me, he say's he hasn't got one. I'm at my wits end. Help!

This is exactly what I was like 4 years ago while also throwing in 2 job losses. Unfortunately he is of the frame of mind now that he won't listen to anyone, infact any advise or criticism will do more bad then good as you've said. I really can't give advice in fear it could be wrong but all I will say is everyone can change so there is hope. I wish you the best

0
#5 15-01-2013 9:09pm

Lola B

Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 36 ✭

Join Date: June 2009

Posts: 32

I am the only person he can come to now for money etc.

Stop doing this, you are promoting/facilitating his behaviour by giving him money. If he has an alcohol problem then he will lie through his teeth in order to get drink. I had an alcoholic in my family but he was more of a binge drinker who could go off the drink for long periods of time, he drank because he had no confidence, that's all I know for sure about it, sorry.

0
#6 16-01-2013 9:33am

hubba

Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 376 ✭✭

Join Date: June 2010

Posts: 363

I feel very sad for you hearing your story and parts of your son's behaviour reminds me of people in my life in the past and I have to agree with the other posters that there is no way you are going to get him to change. He has to decide that for himself and from experience, even if you love him dearly and vice versa, you will have little influence. He loves the drink more right now by the sounds of it.

The only thing that will improve your situation is to stop giving him money. This is enabling his bad behaviour and making him come back to you again and again. This would be tough for you to do though, particularly if he gets abusive as you say but it's the right thing to do for both of you in the long run.

Don't be afraid to call the gardai if you feel threatened. That's what they are there for.

Best wishes.

0
Advertisement
#7 16-01-2013 4:38pm

verysad

Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4 ✭

Join Date: January 2013

Posts: 2

I appreciate everyone's advice!

0
#8 16-01-2013 7:40pm

Sunnyisland

Closed Accounts Posts: 10,562 ✭✭✭✭

Join Date: July 2010

Posts: 10138

verysad wrote: »

My 23 son drinks every night and manages to get up every morning and hold down a job. As soon as he gets paid he spends all his money and then hassles me for money after that. If he does not get it or enough of it from me he's abusive. He lives in rental accommodation, his room is absolutely filthy! He was thrown out of his last rental and will be thrown out of this one. He has been homeless before but managed to stay on the floors of others. I am the only person he can come to now for money etc. He cares about nothing or no one, not even himself. He scares me. I am so worried and upset, I don't know what's going to become of him. He won't take any offer of help with his problem from me, he say's he hasn't got one. I'm at my wits end. Help!

Verysad if he IS and alcoholic, it is not your fault. You cannot help him at all. he has to first admit he has a problem and then he has to WANT to stop drinking.Have you considered Alanon? I think they have some solid ideas for how to deal with family members who may be problem drinkers or alcoholics.hope it works out.

0
#9 24-02-2013 12:32pm

Keepan Eye

Closed Accounts Posts: 83 ✭✭

Join Date: November 2012

Posts: 81

Good advice here from everyone. You yourself need the support from Alanon. Go to some of their meetings.....for your own sanity. He himself is sick too so he needs to go to AA. He may be a bit reluctant to go; so see if he would consider some in-house treatment centre......he can explore there with Centre staff and see for himself "if he has a drink problem"........At the end of the day, his drinking masks a deep unhappy self..... he may know this already and would dearly love to improve his lot. At first he will resist but when the seed is planted in his mind that he can Get a better life he may then seek the help for himself. Alanon and AA can direct you best how to handle the situation. If he is agressive you can call the Gardai or get a barrring Order. Sounds tough but it will protect you and hopefully make him Wake Up. Stanhope Centre in Dublin may also be able to direct you to your local HSE counselling centre where you can get more support and direction. I know of many young people his age girls and fellas who have recovered from this illness so take heart,,,,,,,and if you are of a spiritual nature an odd prayer may help.

0