Trying to write a book for kids.

Rubecula

I am trying to write a story that will appeal to kids and adults alike. This is a sort of prologue to it, and I was looking for input on how it looks just now. Please be honest with your comments, but be kind eh? It is not easy.


Mr Wigglebrow sat on a tree stump and watched as his new class arrived at the open air lesson. They all arrived on time, which was unusual for any lessons he had taught previously, and yet they seemed to be obedient and quiet youngsters. Being a Dwarven teacher Mr Wigglebrow was more used to looking up at his charges, but here, he found he actually looked down on them.

"They all look like Pixies" he thought to himself as he stroked his beard. "Well not that one at the back. He looks like...."
Mr Wigglebrow's eyes opened wide.

"Excuse me" He spoke out over the heads of the settling youngsters. "That lad at the back, Yes you. Are you in fact a Red Squirrel? Otherwise known as Sciurus vulgaris ?"

The squirrel chittered away in reply.

A boy at the back popped his hand up.
"Please sir he says he is but only because he wants to be. He said he likes his nuts and hopes you don't mind him bringing them with him."

Mr Wigglebrow was somewhat taken aback, this promised to be the strangest class he had taken in a long strange life of teaching. "Well he can have his nuts if he doesn't play with them during class. It can be quite off putting to have a pupil in the class playing with his nuts."

Mr Wigglebrow settled himself down again. "Make yourselves comfortable class, this is an informal session where we get to know each other, ask general questions and such like, later classes will be more structured and educational. However for today we just need to get to know each other. I am unsure about you as you are about me so I will start by asking simple questions. Firstly after looking you over may I ask why you are here? What I mean by that, is why did the school governors send all the way to Dashing Dell for a stand in teacher? Surely you would have been better going to the excellent Pixie Informal School in Brightville?" He looked around at puzzled looking faces as they glanced at each other.

One brave soul put her hand up. "Sir, we can't go to Pixie school, as that is only for Imps, Sprites, Fairies and Pixies and we are not allowed in."

"And why is that? It seems to me they take all little folk like yourselves"

"Sir my mother says it is a safety concern because we can not perform magic and might get hurt"

This produced some sniggering from the back of the class.

Mr Wigglebrow looked sternly at the ones sniggering and they instantly went quiet and put on an air of innocence. They didn't look like sprites or imps to be sure and they didn't have the wings of Fairies. But surely they were Pixies? He looked a bit harder and noticed for the first time that they didn't have the pointed ears of Pixies. What were they? Mr Wigglebrow wished he had been given a little more information before being thrown in at the deep end like this. But he had been anxious to get away from home Dwarven folk were not keen on one of their members being useful at magic and he was a good teacher after all. This had seemed to be an ideal post when he accepted it.

"Well you obviously have me at an advantage then folks. I came here expecting to help Pixies brush up on magic lessons. So perhaps you can tell me more about yourselves." He looked at the young lady who had just spoken.

"Sir" she spoke up. "We are Avians, surely you were told this?"

"No I wasn't" his beard twitched in irritation at himself. He had not waited to find this bit of important information out before accepting the post. Avians were almost mythological where he came from. As samll as Pixies it was said but looking more like minature humans than minature Elves (which the Pixies did) He was unsure of their magical capabilities too. It was said that Avians could change form to resemble birds for protection, but beyond that he didn't know much about them.

"And you can change form as I was told?" He felt a bit embarrassed after actually asking that question, it had just slipped out. However nobody seemed offended, as they all smiled happily. A chorus of "Yes sir" went around the class. One lad called out "Can we show you sir?"

Mr Wigglebrow nodded, it was all important information to aid him teach them what they needed to know. "Of course please go ahea......" Before he had finished, there was a flutter of activity and he found himself in a virtual aviary ... with a stray squirrel who was busy playing with his nuts. They twittered away loudly.

"Silence" called Mr Wigglebrow and amazingly all the birds in the clearing were instantly silent, the change of form had not however restricted the ability to speak in a civil tongue. On of them, a song thrush, (and it sounded like the young girl) spoke in a clear voice. "As you can see sir we are all from different tribes, each tribe has it's own bird form We are not supposed to change into our bird forms together as it looks odd my dad says. And it attracts attention."

"As if being a Pixie sized individual doesn't attract attention," mused Mr Wigglebrow to himself. Out loud he spoke again to them. "Tell me more about the tribes then Miss err Miss .... I am sorry I don't know the names yet."

The Song Thrush hopped over and tilting it's head looked up. I am a thrush sir so our tribe is named after the thrush We are the Turdus philomelos Or Philo's for short. That group over to the left that looks like American robins are the Turdus migratorious, we call them the Migrants for short. The Blackbirds are Turdus merula, and are known as merula."

"Are you all varieties of Turdus?"

"Oh no sir not at all, I assumed you needed to see the differences from close relatives like that. We also have a few Carduelis carduelis here too They are the ones that look like Goldfinches or Goldies, and over there as you can see there are a few Erithacus rubecula, that are like robins. They are a bit argumentative I am afraid, nice folks but very pugnacious, great friends to have in a fight though as they don't give up."

"They are known as rubecula I take it?"

"Yes sir that is right, most none avians can not pronounce our given names sir so we tend to not usually use them in none avian company. Mine is ..." and here Mr Wigglebrow was taken aback as a sound of twittering an tweeting so complex to dazzle his ears came from the beak of the little thrush.

"Ah yes I see how that can be. I think perhaps you should all change back for now though."

"Yes sir" which sounded a little bit rebellious and perhaps a little sad. Reluctantly they changed back, quite slowly it seemed, as if they prefered to be in their bird forms.

"I take it you are not often allowed into your bird forms?"

"Oh no sir we can change quite often, it is just unusual for us all to do so together. It was fun, I hope we can do it again soon."

"We shall see" Mr Wigglebrow allowed. "It will all depend on how well you do in class I think."

Rubecula

And yes I got the idea from my nickname.

jonbravo

"Being a darwain tearcher" would of being my starting line..why is it that animals are to hide behind.
Very hard to comment on a kids/family type read I've done my best...I would say

Toasterspark

That was a great read, I really enjoyed it!

The writing flowed well and I had a nice image of the class. I wasn't intending on reading any stories this morning, but I read the first few lines and got sucked in, and was finished before I knew it. So that's always a great sign, when it reads so easily.

As it is intended for kids, I'd just be wary of all the 'big words', especially the latin names. I loved it myself, but a kid that's bumping into strange words every other sentence might not. Apart from that, it's a nice intro.

Well done.

Rubecula

Thank you Toasterspark, very kind words indeed.

I want it to be fun and if possible a little bit educational. I learned a lot as a kid myself from things in stories. I want to try if I can, to let other youngsters have the opportunity of picking up things while having a lot of fun.

But as you say I have to be careful it is not overdone.

For kids, fun comes first. Anyway that is the basic start of the main story. I may put up more on here later on.

TL,DR

Rubecula

Deleted User wrote: »

TL,DR

I am sorry, I don't know what that means tajd.

pickarooney

Deleted User wrote: »

TL,DR

Cop on.

Rubecula

OK I looked up TL,DR. I know what it means. But surely 1268 words isn't too long for a prologue?

Class, kids, very little, look like birds.

Shorter but not very good reading I don't think?

Chucken

I think its going to be great story. I like it

Rubecula

Awww thank you Chucken that is very sweet of you to say so. The comment is much appreciated.

Toasterspark

Deleted User wrote: »

TL,DR

I'm not sure the Creative Writing forum is for you then! It's got these things called stories. They're usually many paragraphs long, and bigger than a regular post.

If you didn't want to read the story, then don't. But don't insult the writer because you can't devote a few minutes to reading the story.

Rubecula

Thank you once again Toasterspark. For myself I am not offended. If someoen wishes to read what I post then fine and well. If someone thinks badly of my post, again, fine and well. However someone who doesn't read it and posts a snide comment I can live with it. It is a meaningless post and means absolutely nothing at all. So the fact I didn't actually know what tajd meant at first is the only reason I responded.

He/she is nothing to me and the comment was equally unimportant. But I do appreciate you coming to my defense, and to show my gratitude, help yourself to a Jaffa Cake Just don't touch the Squirrel's nuts, because you will drive him crazy. :pac:

Back to serious matters. And I say this to everyone. Please criticise me in anyway AFTER you have read my posts, and I will never feel offended. An honest opinion is invaluable, silly or idiotic comments are pointless and mean nothing. I hope other people have a similar attitude and do not get put off by idiots. I do my best and if it is not good enough for you. Well ok, it is not the end of the world.

Tajd, I am willing to let you show me how it SHOULD be done if you can.

Danpad

Maybe tajd did actually read it, or maybe he couldn't find a way to read it? Just a thought. Dunno, I'm rambling.

Rubecula

Danpad wrote: »

Maybe tajd did actually read it, or maybe he couldn't find a way to read it? Just a thought. Dunno, I'm rambling.

No Tajd didn't read it. How do I know? TL,DR means To Long, Didn't Read.

Danpad

Rubecula wrote: »

No Tajd didn't read it. How do I know? TL,DR means To Long, Didn't Read.

You're probably right, in fact I could say I agree.

Rega

Rubecula wrote: »

"Well he can have his nuts if he doesn't play with them during class. It can be quite off putting to have a pupil in the class playing with his nuts."

Saucy

ViveLaVie

It seems interesting so far but I agree that the number of Latin names could be overwhelming. There are a few mistakes which could be tidied up too. Best of luck!

joeguevara

I liked it a lot. The only thing I have to say is: was it intentional to write "It can be quite off putting to have a pupil in the class playing with his nuts". For a childrens book, it could be considered inappropriate!

Rubecula

Thank you all for the comments. The saucy bit was a little devil on my shoulder. It is innocent enough I think but an adult mind would pick up on it right away.

So it may be deleted in the final draft.

I take in what you say about the latin names though, it may be a little too much in one go. As I mentioned I got the idea from my nickname and I needed to explain it in a way that could be understood ..... the reason being I intend to make Rubecula the nub of the story. (No it is not about me, there can be nobody less pixie-like or dainty than me I assure you :pac:)

The Princess Bride

Hi Rubecula.
I've read some of your posts/stories before(O&O Forum) and think you are a natural.

Just curious-what age is your target audience?
With children,I always think there's the
"parents have to read it to their younger children ,therefore it has to be parent friendly & child friendly" audience;
and then there's the older literate children,anywhere from 7 up to teens.

As a parent ,I've frequently put books back on the shelf,because the writing style didn't appeal to me,(some are yawn inducing tbh) just something for you to bear in mind.

Well done and please continue with the flowing words!

Rubecula

aww thank you msthe80s. You are very kind, the posts in O&O were not strictly speaking stories as they were all true :pac: " I really am a boring oul wan I am afraid. Writing stories is very hard for me as I seem to lack a lot of imagination unless someone gives me a kick.

Das Kitty

I really enjoyed that, Rubecula.

Personally I don't think the latin names were too much at all. Are you planning to continue with it?

Rubecula

Thank you Das Kitty. Yes I am continuing with it. I have just deleted a lot of stuff I did as I thought it was far too poor. The piece I posted in the start of this thread was the prologue and just a taster. I am so happy you enjoyed it.