Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue

wurzlitzer

Hi

I have posted here before.
In July 2011 I started a new relationship with a guy, we broke up last Saturday night.
I had been in a previous relationship from 2003-2009. In that relationship we had grown apart in the last year. He moved out while I was in work & left me a dear John letter. It took me a year & a half to get over him. I said I would be weary of giving my heart to anyone again. My father was ill & I was spending alot of time in the hospital my father subsequently died in November 2010. So I had been grieving the relationship then I had to go through the slow & very painful death my father as well. I was feeling pain & at times felt numb.

So in 2011 I started running, and in that July I met a guy one night who invited me out to dinner. We went out had a good time & started dating, he was always early for dates & was very keen. He told me during this period that he had two kids in nine & fifteen & that he was starting a round the world trip in January 2012. His mother had been diagnosed with lung cancer. He was also out of a long term relationship in febuary 2011 just five months.He professed after two weeks that he really liked me & that the timing was awful that he had met someone Like me. I went away in October for a week & when I came back he told me he was going to miss me heaps while he was travelling & asked me to meet while he was on the road. His mother passed away in November after the funeral he spent the weekend with me & I realised I was in love with him. A few weeks later I tried to break it off with him but we did n't he managed to convince reconsider. he said that I have the ability to make him happy. He convinced me to book a holiday to see him in April he was over the moon.

So he went away in January. I visited him in April things were fine, he seemed as keen as always. Contact was weekly & he would ring once every two weeks. I met him again in September one day he was irritable then I had it out with me & he said he wanted to end it, that the logical part of him said that there was no point pursuing it as I had plans to go travelling in the future. So we broke up & decided to enjoy the rest of my time there as friends. By the end of the holiday the day before I went home he started calling me his other half & girlfriend again. I tackled him he said he was confused, we agreed to see how it went. The next week it was my birthday he never called me. He sent an email a week saying that he was an idiot that he totally forgot. After this I seen a photo of him on facebook with a photo of him with a girl sitting on his knee this was the end of September I was jealous so I deleted his Facebook & his numbers as he had not contacted me in two weeks so I decided to move on. He was in australia at this stage & had only two months left of his trip. Once I had done this he contacted me & started ringing me weekly saying he could not wait to get home back to normal that he had enough of living out of a bag & that he could not wait to be back in my arms. He txt me nearly every day. At the beginning of December he came home he went to see his kids the day he came home & spent the night with me. It felt wonderful to be in eachothers arms again.

So I gave him space to be with his kids & friends, did not contact with him too often, he moved back but he seemed to be spending more time with friends especially a cousin of his who was home from England. On Christmas day he called in & lavished me with expensive earrings & perfume. I went home for a week at Christmas, & he had dinner at his cousins.when I came back we seen eachother for an hour he called Down just for a cup of tea. So we agreed that we would spend the weekend together last week. On the Friday I cooked & we stayed in we had a lovely evening, he was wearing a shirt that I got him for Xmas. On the Saturday he cooked breakfast. His cousin rang inviting him to dinner, he told him that he spending the weekend with me. That evening we went out & we had dinner then a few drinks in the pub I joked that this was the first time we had spent 24 hours together. He flipped he said that he had cancelled dinner with his cousin. I laughed & said it's only cancelling if you had not got plans already. Then he blurted it out that he did n't want to be in a relationship he just was not feeling it. I was stunned, we had spent no time together since he came home. We went home in separate taxis. The next day he called round for his car, he called in he said that he had a wonderful time on Friday that it was amazing that he was confused but that Saturday night he was certain that he didn't want to be in a relationship & that he was going to have to deal with things that he had to deal with on his own. He said I was wonderful bla bla bla. I did not plead with him as I had already humiliated myself in the pub the night before, & did n't want to hear what he had to say. He stayed five mins & walked out of my life. he also said that he had been thinking of it for a few months & that he was hoping things would change when he got home that they didn't even though he could not wait to be in my arms, eventhough he also said I made him feel good about himself.

I am devastated, I am crying all the time & feel that I have been a complete fool. Him having kids & having to find a new job once home never bothered me I was always very supportive. I was willing to see how it went, but he broke it off before we could see how it went. I am mad coz I tried to be so cautious but he pursued me like crazy then once I fell for him he took a step back. How could someone go from so hot one night to so cold the next?

I know it's long winded but this is the second time I have got badly burned & I have an aching pain in my chest & everything seems pointless don't think I can trust anyone with my heart ever again.

Thanks again

daisybelle2008

Don't be thinking too far into the future while you are feeling so low. It does look like he was blowing hot and cold for a lot of your time together, too be honest looking from the outside I am not sure between him just being out of an ltr with young kids, sick mum, and extensive travel that he was a safe bet to hitch your wagon to at all. You were a bit vulnerable from the first situation. Sometimes we go through these sh*tty relationships to realise what we do want. You learn more about yourself with every relationship. You will be stronger going forward.

Flutterby80

Hi , you really are going through a tough time and my heart goes out to you. I've been through something similar myself so I totally sympathise with you. Sometimes these things happen and we question ourselves as to what we could have done more to make it work. It really sounds like you did everything you possibly could and you were patient and understanding. Most other girls would not have waited for him like you did. Like my ex it sounds like he really doesn't know what he wants and don't you deserve so much better than that ? Also you have to remember that you are still grieving a parent (my dad also died in Nov 2010) this probably brings the pain of your loss back to you and it can all just seem too much can't it? One day at a time is all I can say to you, I'm heading for 6 months since my breakup and starting to feel more positive but it's a hard road. You will get there because believe me if I can anyone can, take care.

wurzlitzer

Thanks guys? I am hoping the pain will go away. But I really trusted this guy with my feelings. Last weekend I wanted to talk to him more about how he felt being home etc I never got a proper chance to communicate with him. We never got to talk properly. Yet all we talked about was superficial stuff. Before he went away we talked about everything he opened up more.
Just feeling really down can't seem to stop overanalysing. I loved him so much, I care for him deeply, just wish he would have been open to trying for a while longer. But all he had to say was that he just was n't feeling it, like he was numb.

I know it's done & dusted.
But I wish the pain would just lift off me.

Thanks guys

Flutterby80

wurzlitzer wrote: »

Thanks guys? I am hoping the pain will go away. But I really trusted this guy with my feelings. Last weekend I wanted to talk to him more about how he felt being home etc I never got a proper chance to communicate with him. We never got to talk properly. Yet all we talked about was superficial stuff. Before he went away we talked about everything he opened up more.
Just feeling really down can't seem to stop overanalysing. I loved him so much, I care for him deeply, just wish he would have been open to trying for a while longer. But all he had to say was that he just was n't feeling it, like he was numb.

I know it's done & dusted.
But I wish the pain would just lift off me.

Thanks guys

It will, honestly it will . There's no point in telling you not to over analyze at the moment because its understandable, I did it for months. The main thing to do is fill your time, try not to be on your own if you can help it, pick one or two very good friends to open up to and thrash out all your thoughts and feelings with. It hurts so much when you put all your trust in someone and they throw it away without a second thought but that just proves that they weren't the one for you. Right now you probably feel that you will never trust another man but you will I promise.

wurzlitzer

Flutterby80 wrote: »

It will, honestly it will . There's no point in telling you not to over analyze at the moment because its understandable, I did it for months. The main thing to do is fill your time, try not to be on your own if you can help it, pick one or two very good friends to open up to and thrash out all your thoughts and feelings with. It hurts so much when you put all your trust in someone and they throw it away without a second thought but that just proves that they weren't the one for you. Right now you probably feel that you will never trust another man but you will I promise.

Thanks guys, I know the overanalysing will last a while, Its just I find it so draining. Must say reading the responses although I am tired & emotional has made me feel a little better. I realise now he was never emotionally available to me.

Thanks for the insightful responses. I can sleep sound tonight

jantheman91

wurzlitzer wrote: »

Thanks guys, I know the overanalysing will last a while, Its just I find it so draining. Must say reading the responses although I am tired & emotional has made me feel a little better. I realise now he was never emotionally available to me.

Thanks for the insightful responses. I can sleep sound tonight

From a lads perspective i know what it's like. The circumstances under which my relationship ended may be completely different but what i'll say is this: Try your best not to cry or feel down about it. Don't have any regrets that it happened. Treat it as a harsh learning experience and that you'll take from it in the future.

This is all easier said than done as i know only too well myself. I've to see my ex everyday and the circumstances under which she broke up with me were pretty pathetic. Coupled with what she's done of late in college and it's a pretty disgusting situation. All i'm saying is i've had a hard time. Probably harder than most but guess what? I'm alive, i'm getting on with things and maybe just maybe this person wasn't the right one for me.

Keep your head up and smile. Life's too short.

JillyQ

jantheman91 wrote: »

I cld have written most off the above post myself. I spent 5 yrs on & off with someone who travelled for living. I thought i would spot an ass like that again a mile off, i feel i may have got myself into a smilar situation again. Stupid i know. The only thing i can say OP is that the pain will heal in time & there is someone better out there.

sherbett32

may I respectfully suggest that he didn't break up out of the blue? he's been flip flopping around for as long as he's known you, I would bet that this is a pattern in his life.

I know you're broken hearted now but you will get over it (we all do). He really sounds like a head wreck & you'd never really know where you stand with him.

I bet he'll back in a few months with a big romantic gesture (loves you, can't live without you, mad to let you go).

wurzlitzer

sherbett32 wrote: »

may I respectfully suggest that he didn't break up out of the blue? he's been flip flopping around for as long as he's known you, I would bet that this is a pattern in his life.

I know you're broken hearted now but you will get over it (we all do). He really sounds like a head wreck & you'd never really know where you stand with him.

I bet he'll back in a few months with a big romantic gesture (loves you, can't live without you, mad to let you go).

I know I should of seen it coming, that he was late for dates, taking his time replying to texts, but I just thought he was just preoccupied with being home & getting his life sorted.

But last Saturday. He came straight out with it, he meant it. Matter of factually, it felt so cold & almost heartless, that it was a decision he had completely made his mind up, no wavering. He just was n't "feeling it" he said he wanted to deal with his problems on his own. He did n't want a relationship etc

Here I go again overanalysing but thanks guys, writing it out here has been helpful.

On a good note booked flights today to get away somewhere very sunny for a couple of weeks. I know its a bit kneejerk but it gives me something to look forward to.

sherbett32

wurzlitzer wrote: »

I know I should of seen it coming, that he was late for dates, taking his time replying to texts, but I just thought he was just preoccupied with being home & getting his life sorted.


Here I go again overanalysing but thanks guys, writing it out here has been helpful.

On a good note booked flights today to get away somewhere very sunny for a couple of weeks. I know its a bit kneejerk but it gives me something to look forward to.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-why-someone-fakes-a-future-with-you/

I found some stuff on this website useful. A blast of sun sounds just what's needed. Enjoy.

wurzlitzer

sherbett32 wrote: »

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-why-someone-fakes-a-future-with-you/

I found some stuff on this website useful. A blast of sun sounds just what's needed. Enjoy.

Have to say this I did find very useful alot rang true, all the signs were there but I never clocked them. Maybe I am reading too much into things still looking for answers.

Cheers

Flutterby80

sherbett32 wrote: »

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-why-someone-fakes-a-future-with-you/

I found some stuff on this website useful. A blast of sun sounds just what's needed. Enjoy.

Thanks for posting this, parts of it are scarily familiar to me!

sherbett32

wurzlitzer wrote: »

Have to say this I did find very useful alot rang true, all the signs were there but I never clocked them. Maybe I am reading too much into things still looking for answers.

Cheers

This is what people like this man do (Future Fakers). They're very good at love bombing you then pulling away then love bombing you again. When you remove yourself they're back with all kinds of explanations why they pulled away, kids, stressful work, spiteful ex, sick mother, escaped hamster. It's often true or partially true and you feel a bit#h or doubting them or you were too hard on them or they are so under pressure & you need to more understanding or your own problems are tiny compared to theirs. (the problems are often created or certainly made worse by themselves, the ex is not spiteful just frustrated trying to get him stick to arrangements with their kids, work is stressful because they're not working well because they can't be bothered or they're fighting with somebody at work) The pulling away will happen multiple times. If somebody wants to be with you they will find a way despite problems.

These people are expert in manipulation and will have you searching for explanations and trying to understand their behaviour. The explanation is that they are asses, this is what they do. It's nothing to do with you or waht you did. You just happened to be there.

It is something to do with you though if you let them back armed with all the excuses, take it from somebody who spent far too long with a an ass like this.

wurzlitzer

sherbett32 wrote: »

This is what people like this man do (Future Fakers). They're very good at love bombing you then pulling away then love bombing you again. When you remove yourself they're back with all kinds of explanations why they pulled away, kids, stressful work, spiteful ex, sick mother, escaped hamster. It's often true or partially true and you feel a bit#h or doubting them or you were too hard on them or they are so under pressure & you need to more understanding or your own problems are tiny compared to theirs. (the problems are often created or certainly made worse by themselves, the ex is not spiteful just frustrated trying to get him stick to arrangements with their kids, work is stressful because they're not working well because they can't be bothered or they're fighting with somebody at work) The pulling away will happen multiple times. If somebody wants to be with you they will find a way despite problems.

These people are expert in manipulation and will have you searching for explanations and trying to understand their behaviour. The explanation is that they are asses, this is what they do. It's nothing to do with you or waht you did. You just happened to be there.

It is something to do with you though if you let them back armed with all the excuses, take it from somebody who spent far too long with a an ass like this.

I know I can relate to all of the above, but before he went away he did have some good excuses to miss dates & I forgave him coz most of the time it was no big deal.

But this time when he came home when he made excuses & I caught him out, he would get almost irritable because I think he knew the jig would be up in no time if kept making lame excuses & kept getting caught out. He contradicted himself a few times, before he went away I would have given him the benefit of the doubt, but the more we got to know eachother my gut was telling me he was & spinning tales feeding me crumbs, but he was very convincing & affectionate.

I have had a bad day today & really feel like contacting him to see if we could be friends, we had a laugh together. Coz i feel it ended badly, but why do I feel it went sour in the end? Is coz he dumped me? Or was it his brutal honesty? When he just came out with saying he did not have the same feelings for me & that he did not want a relationship.

OMG wish I could stop overanalysing

Thanks