Am I too independant for a relationship?

Timmythedonkey

I have been single for 2 and a half year's, I've done the online dating which hasn't been successful at all and I go out on a regular enough basis and I am still single. I have two kid's who are my priority and have explained to 'dates' that they will alway's be second in my priority list. I've not worded it in that way to them......but have said that I won't be on beck and call to them. Maybe I've put them off????

When I first went online dating it was with the intent of finding someone long term but as time has gone on I have now come to the conclusion that I have become too independant for a long term relationship until the kid's have grown up and got on with there own lives. (there 8 and 11) I just honestly think introducing a new man into there lives would be so disruptive to all of us!

I have a friends with benefit's arrangment with someone which is great but he is younger than me with no commitment's and know he's seeing other's so it's not what I'm looking for but this seem's to be the best option for me for the time being. I am outgoing and friendly but live in a small town where everyone know's everyone!

mood

I don't think any reasonable man would expect to come before your children and expect you to be at his beck and call. I don't think you need to try to explain this. I think it may put men off as it might come across the wrong way ie you will make no effort at all etc.

I think you should keep trying internet dating but don't have this conversation.

Also regarding your 'friend' just be careful. I'm sure you are but I seen posts here by women who got pregnant in such situations which is hardly ideal.

Witchie

Oi timmy stop stealing my life story! I was in the exact same spot a few years ago. I had one serious relationship after my marriage broke up and when it ended my then 4yr old son was more upset with that than when his dad had left! As they got older it was easier to have casual relationships and I never brought these men into my children's lives as I didnt want them to get attached to anyone who may not be around in the long run.

It is really tough but do go out and enjoy yourself and stop looking for a serious relationship. A light hearted casual one may become more and by then you will feel comfortable introducing your kids into the mix. Also by keeping it casual you dont have to be at their beck and call. I actually found long distance relationships a good fit for my life because I got to have all the loveliness of having a boyfriend and calling and texting each other constantly when the kids were in bed and the weekends when my kids were at their dads I could meet up with my fella and really feel loved.

As they get older it will be easier. Now mine are 18 and 15 and are happy that I am with my boyfriend almost 2 years. I still keep them very much separate parts of my life but a lot of that is down to my boyfriend being very quiet and shy so I dont like to put pressure on him to spend time with my kids and they are happy doing their own teenage thing anyway. (dont get me wrong they have met on numerous occasions but he wouldnt be one to come over and have a family dinner and an night in front of the telly and this suits me coz my time with my boys is just that, MY time with my boys!)

What I am really saying is dont put any pressure on yourself to find a relationship. Enjoy going out and meeting people, enjoy your friends with benefits to satisfy your needs and who knows when you will find someone who fits in completely with your life.

Best of luck x

Stavro Mueller

I think any time anyone dates a person who has kids, they'd be a fool to assume that they're going to become priority number 1. If they don't understand or accept this, then they shouldn't go out with a person who has children. End of. It could just be that you've not met the right person yet. Or that you need to take a closer look at how you do handle the kids/dating balancing act.

Semele

I think your mistake may be in having the conversation at such an early point! As someone else has said- surely anyone with an ounce of cop-on realises that the kids are your priority. I would feel that having that conversation on an early date is a bit too heavy. Anything that implies a future (beyond the next date) is maybe a bit heavy for the situation I think and might make people feel that they have to make a decision there and then. Keep it light, enjoy yourself and don't bother with the conversation at all unless you feel it is becoming an issue at some point. Personally I wouldn't like the implication that I would expect you to be always at my beck and call, and certainly wouldn't appreciate being told on the first date that this wasn't going to happen.

Basically, I would assume it goes without saying. Only needs to be discussed if a relationship is potentially going somewhere or you feel pressured to spend time that you can't afford with him, ie if he doesn't seem to understand your responsibilities.

Boombastic

subconsciously having a friend with benefits may be stopping you getting too serious/focused about any other relationship?

Then again maybe you just haven't met the 'one'.

RubyWoo83

To be honest I don't think you are too independent for a relationship because it sounds like you actually want one. Reading between the lines I would think you are afraid of things not working out and how it will effect your children which is completely natural.

It goes without saying that your children are your first priority so I really don't think you need to be having that conversation at all. It's like you are using it as an excuse for any relationship to fail before it's even began.

ash23

I think you probably came across as too defensive OP. There is no need to tell a date that your kids come first. That conversation only needs to happen if they start expecting you to put them ahead of your kids.

I don't think swearing off relationships is a good idea unless you actually don't want a relationship but I think you do and are just put off by the lack of success so far.

I was single (with a child) for 4 years before I met someone I felt could be introduced to my child and it only happened after I'd been with him for 6 months. I never once told him my child comes first. He is very important to me and luckily I've never been in a position where I've felt I had to choose between them both. He understood that he could only call me at certain times and I could only see him on certain nights without me having to spell out the reason for it or approach it in a negative way.

I did go out with a guy for a while who didn't "get" that and suffice to say, the relationship didn't last very long.

I think approaching anything early like kids and priorities, is nearly like challenging your date. I used to do it when I was less secure. I'd nearly list all my obligations and flaws as much as to say "that's me - are you going to run now?" because they always ran.

But when I became happier in myself I began to realise that challenging someone like that right away, well, of course they will run. Who wouldn't!?

Just take it one date at a time. By all means tell them about your kids but not in a "I dare you" kind of way.
Things will evolve or not. But just relax and take it as it comes.