Birthday was forgotten

LegacyUser

I'm a bit insulted.

My birthday was a few months ago.

One of my brothers never forgets birthdays. Even a couple of years ago he went travelling and sent a card (by himself). Exept this time. I didn't even get a text message or even a late text message. He couldnt have been that busy to find 5 minutes for a text.

He moved to Australia and I have gotten the feeling he's trying to cut ties. I sent him a message at xmas and I didn't even get a reply. I dont know what I did but if thats what he wants, fine.

Right now, i'm a bit insulted. His birthday is in a few weeks. But my mother has just reminded me about his birthday. I know when his birthday is and I dont need reminding. I dont forget birthdays. But she expects me to buy a card and post it over. He didnt bother to acknowledge my birthday or even the xmas text. So why should I bother? Did my mother remind him about my birthday and not to forget it? Obviously not.

Its the same every year. She would remind the girls to buy cards for the lads, I've three brothers and one sister. But has never told the lads to buy the girls a card. They do it their own way and send a text or call, which is fine. But why wont she let the females do it their own way?

So when its one brother's birthday, my mother reminds myself and my sister to get a card. What does she do to remind the other two brothers, but buy their cards for them. Its the same for whatever brother's birthday it is. She will make sure their birthdays aren't forgotten. But then she doesn't buy their cards for the girls birthdays. Does the birthdays of girls not matter to her?

I'm not bothered going all out for my brothers birthday. He isnt talking to me for some reason, I dont know. But I dont need my mother on my back telling me to. How do I tell my mother to stop insulting me like this. God forbid I forget their birthdays, but she doesn't care if they forget mine. I dont need to be told to buy cards and I will acknowledge birthdays whatever way I want and if I want. Just like her boys.

skyfall2012

If your brother always remembered birthdays, it may have been because your mother always reminded him, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he would always acknowledge it, which is a thoughtful thing to do, which says a lot about him.

Now, he is living half way around the world, away from his family and a totally different time zone. I would guess judging from his previous behaviours (1) he got your message in the middle of the night and meant to reply, but forgot the next morning because of work etc. (2) he did not receive your message/text.

So don't write him off so quickly, send him a birthday card it is the nice thing to do.

Your mother sounds like a typical Irish mother, she is doing what 70% of the mothers do across the country. Why they do this, I don't know, but I would cut her some slack too, she is old school and I don't think you are going to change her, just don't take it to heart and do what you want text or send card.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, this is probably going to sound harsh... But do what YOU want.

If you want to send your brother a card/text do it. If you don't want to send him anything then don't.

Don't discuss it with your mother. If she says "xxx's birthday is in 2 weeks", say "yes, I know mother.. it's been the same date for the last -- years."

And don't discuss with her whether or not you sent a card.

Diziet

Why does what your mother says to you and your brothers matter to you? You can choose to send a card, or you can choose not to. Your mother's suggestion is no more than that; she is not holding a gun to your head. You just choose the action you think best.

Skinnykenyan

That's **** lad me own mother and father would have forgot my bday last yr if it weren't for my oh txtin them at 11pm that night. Its my bday next week and I expect the same again. Worry bout numero uno man

tony81

I was abroad before and it is hard to keep in touch with people back home.. and even harder to settle in abroad when people back home insist on trying to keep in touch. And also my bro was abroad and I'm pretty sure I forgot to phone him for his birthday.. in fact he was quite annoyed at how few people kept in touch with him when he was abroad. But that happens.

Anyway, one issue is the time difference. Perhaps he was thinking about sending you a text or phoning you, but between different days (one day ahead/behind?) and the time difference it's easy to not get round to things.

I think you shouldn't take it so personally. He probably doesn't even realise he hurt/offended you.

nobirhday wrote: »

I dont need to be told to buy cards and I will acknowledge birthdays whatever way I want and if I want. Just like her boys.

Really, this is just bitterness.

Just send him a card and stop reading so much into it.

judgefudge

To be honest I'd be miffed if my brother moved to the other side of the world and didn't respond to a Christmas message. I've been to oz for a while. it's not that hard to stay in touch, particularly at big occasions like Xmas.

I wouldn't be as bothered about the birthday thing. Everyone has their slip ups and he may have genuinely forgotten.

Do you ever contact him, email or anything? Is there some reason he would want to cut you out of his life?!

I'd advise you to send a birthday email or card. Just for the sake of it really. Benefit of the doubt and all that.

looksee

Has anyone heard from him? Don't jump to conclusions, send him a card, its not a big deal.

IrishEyes19

I'd be more concerned with why he isnt talking to you. you said, you dont know why. wouldnt it be more pro-active to ask him politely and sort it out, rather than blowing up over a birthday card/text ect. I know it hurts. But your relationship with your siblings is far more important.

Maura74

nobirhday wrote: »

I'm a bit insulted.

My birthday was a few months ago.

One of my brothers never forgets birthdays. Even a couple of years ago he went travelling and sent a card (by himself). Exept this time. I didn't even get a text message or even a late text message. He couldnt have been that busy to find 5 minutes for a text.

He moved to Australia and I have gotten the feeling he's trying to cut ties. I sent him a message at xmas and I didn't even get a reply. I dont know what I did but if thats what he wants, fine.

I can understand why your mother reminded you of his birthday this maybe because he is such a long way away from home and maybe lonely on his own. It is always nice to received correspondence from family and friends on your birthday when you are such a long way from home.

You do not know want is going on in his life now and should not judge him harshly. I am sure if he was at home he would have sent you a birthday card.

cuilteanna

I would send an email or text message. This is what I do with my own brothers - I gave up sending them cards because I never got one in return (none of them live in Ireland). I've acknowledged the birthday so no guilt on my part, and if they don't return the favour I don't feel so bad about it since I didn't go out of my way for them.

Stavro Mueller

What sort if relationship do you and your brother have in general? Do you ever Skype, text, email etc. when he's away? Or has he consistently been ignoring your efforts to stay in contact. That is, if you have been in contact? Maybe he feels aggrieved that you've not been keeping in contact?

curlzy

My little brother is over there but we got Viber so text regularly and we skyped for Christmas and my little sister's 21st. TBH I'd say he honestly just forgot, a bit hurtful but not the end of the world.

However, my real problem I'd have if I were you would be your mother's "old skool" sexist ways. I'm not ok with being a target of sexism, be it my mother or not. To me anyways it's the same as racism or homophobia, it's not OK, doesn't matter who it is and saying "oh they're old" is just making you an apologist for sexism/racism/homophobia etc, which I wouldn't be ok with. If I were you I'd sit my mother down and explain all of this to her and ask her to mend her ways.

Saying all that though my family would be very open to discussion and would take this on board. Perhaps your family isn't like that and you would just be banging your head against a brick wall? If that's the case, I would say my piece once and then just get on with things and just recipricate whatever you bro does, if he acknowledges your birthday then do the same for him, if he doesn't you don't etc.

hoodwinked

op is your brother on facebook? (as in active on facebook, not just an account he set up but never uses)

the reason i ask is its hard to miss someone's birthday if they are on facebook, so if he is posting on it alot then he should have known when your birthday was,

if not, then there is a high possibility he forgot but only you can guess if it was intentional or not.

As for Christmas then yeah if he didn't respond i would be more into finding out why then extracting some kind of revenge.

Maybe send him another text/or phone him and see how he is getting on out there? after that you can decide on the card!

CaraMay

My best friends 38 year old sister died suddenly last week - send him a card!

skyfall2012

CaraMay wrote: »

My best friends 38 year old sister died suddenly last week - send him a card!

Hi CaraMay, I am really sorry to hear about losing your friend, if she was your best friend's sister, she obviously was a friend of yours.

I understand the message that you are sending the OP, which is life is too short, but I think it a little harsh.

Luca Brasi

skyfall2012 wrote: »

Hi CaraMay, I am really sorry to hear about losing your friend, if she was your best friend's sister, she obviously was a friend of yours.

I understand the message that you are sending the OP, which is life is too short, but I think it a little harsh.

" if she was your best friend's sister, she obviously was a friend of yours."

Not obviously. They might never have even met.

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miss no stars

Your options:

1. Send a card and bottle it up.

2. Send a card with a message about it being a pity you're not in contact, hope everything's okay and not to worry about time zones if he wants to get in contact.

3. Don't send a card and let him see how it felt to be forgotten about (which imho, is worse than being ignored).

4. Phone him and straight out ask what's up with the lack of contact and does he want you to bother sending a card or would he rather maintain the no contact status quo.

I'd be going for option 4, cos I can't stand people fecking around wondering if it was intentional or whatever. just get it out and be done

tony81

miss no stars wrote: »

4. Phone him and straight out ask what's up with the lack of contact and does he want you to bother sending a card or would he rather maintain the no contact status quo.

I'd be going for option 4, cos I can't stand people fecking around wondering if it was intentional or whatever. just get it out and be done

It's just so aggressive. If someone put me on the spot like that I'd tell them to keep their card and I'd re-evaluate whether I wanted anything to do with them.

LegacyUser

Okay thanks for the replies.

My brother does keep in contact with another brother. My brother at home tells him everything. It wasn't just my birthday. There was a few more things during the year. When I had exams, no good luck messages. I finished college and passed exams, and there wasn't anything from him. No congratulations messages. Same for my graduation. Seriously, would 5 minutes hurt?

Anyway I probably will send him a text for his birthday. Which is more than what I got during the year.

I really wasn't bothered that he forgot my birthday. But everything else on top is making me wonder if he wants anything to do with me.

But like a poster above said, its my mothers sexist attitude thats the real problem. Cards has to be bought and sent for their birthdays. And by the time its a girl's birthday, to hell with them. I haven't got a card from my brothers in years. And yet every year she tells me to get them a card. Does she not tell them to get me a card? While also making sure that she'll buy cards for the two brothers to give to the birthday boy. Can she not buy them cards so they can give to me. She's not bothered when it comes to females and its very hurtful.

Daisy M

No birhday wrote: »

Okay thanks for the replies.

My brother does keep in contact with another brother. My brother at home tells him everything. It wasn't just my birthday. There was a few more things during the year. When I had exams, no good luck messages. I finished college and passed exams, and there wasn't anything from him. No congratulations messages. Same for my graduation. Seriously, would 5 minutes hurt?

Anyway I probably will send him a text for his birthday. Which is more than what I got during the year.

I really wasn't bothered that he forgot my birthday. But everything else on top is making me wonder if he wants anything to do with me.

But like a poster above said, its my mothers sexist attitude thats the real problem. Cards has to be bought and sent for their birthdays. And by the time its a girl's birthday, to hell with them. I haven't got a card from my brothers in years. And yet every year she tells me to get them a card. Does she not tell them to get me a card? While also making sure that she'll buy cards for the two brothers to give to the birthday boy. Can she not buy them cards so they can give to me. She's not bothered when it comes to females and its very hurtful.

Have you posted previously on your mother treating her sons and daughters differently, this type of post seems familiar to me.
As for your brother, maybe he is not coping well and missing home, have you ever picked up the phone and called him just to see how he is getting on?
It sounds very silly not to send a card in order to rebel against your mother, any issues you have with her should be separate from how you choose to interact with your brother.

Diziet

Have you told your mother now you feel? She may not even be aware how unfair her behaviour is and how it upsets you.

ilovesleep

I have some brothers working in Australia too and they are working in construction. They have long working days, starting early in the morning. I've had long working days here at home and one day rolls into the next and one week rolls into the next and before you know it months has gone by. So I'm sure OP your brother is just busy. Not only that give us a hot day here in Ireland and we're exhausted. Well I know I'm more tired in hot weather anyways. It's hotter in Australia and it could be very hard to get used to that, so your brother could easily be tired too. So your brothers lack of contact is probably not intentional.

I'd be very lucky to hear from my brothers but it's not going to stop me from thinking of them and sending a card and maybe a parcel of teabags for their birthdays and christmas.

CaraMay

CaraMay wrote: »

My best friends 38 year old sister died suddenly last week - send him a card!

+1

Don't be so childish, OP. Your family aren't going to be there forever. Life is too short to get caught up in petty squabbles about birthday cards. He's probably busy and when you live abroad, you do feel removed from friends/family and it's easy to forget things like birthdays.

cathy01

I don't think the issue is the card or your brother.i think your pissed off that your mam is reminding you to do something. Almost telling you and perhaps ?? Would there be a bit of envy that your brother is away from what you feel is an heavy handed mam.
Forget the card set yourself up on Facebook ask him by phone to do the same and keep in touch that way.
I could be reading between the lines.my mother always reminds me of my sisters birthday and asks what we got her as a present .every year I want to scream at her but deep down its because she wants us to remain as close as what we are.
Hope that's of some help.

LegacyUser

Its been a few a months. And it really feels like he wants nothing more to do with me and the rest of us at home. Im not one bit bothered why he forgot my birthday last year. But why isnt he talking to me? What did I do wrong? I never did anything on him.

So many things. I was living away at college last year when he left. I asked my family to tell me when he was leaving so I could come home and wish him off. That never happened. But then my brother always kept things to himself and didnt tell anyone until about a week or two before he left. He never rang me when he left.

It was easter two weeks after he left, so I got his number and wished him a happy easter and to say sorry that I missed him going off.

When I passed my exams, there was nothing from him. I didnt exactly tell him as I wasnt going to brag but he kept in contact with another brother...He was never like this. When he went travelling a couple of years ago. He was on the phone congratulating me on passing my driving test and I never bragged about passing it.

My birthday was forgotten in September and I dont know if he done it intentionally.

I heard nothing from him with my graduation before christmas.

To say its really hurtful is an understatement. To fcek off across the world and not give a damn.

Despite his lack of contact. I did wish him a happy birthday which he was happy about as I got a smiley face in the message reply. Does he not realise its a two way thing.

I wished him a happy easter and along with a message saying hope everything is ok, dont worry about time zones. What miss no stars suggested above. That was ignored/forgotten.

All this and I heard he was ringing and keeping in touch with other people in the village.

Anyway my mother wrote him a letter in May, she wanted to send pictures which he asked for. I got them printed as my mother doesnt know how and sent them with my mother's letter, two months ago. He never acknowledge her letter.

Anyway, im so down about all this, that I tried again at the weekend. Sent him a message asking how he is, asked him did he get the pictures, and telling him we're all fine here. It was ignored.

I never done anything on him. What do others think, is he cutting us out? Do I ask him did I do anything? What?

I mean, you only get one family. Why is he doing this?

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I think it's time to let this go. Some people just aren't good at keeping in touch. Some families just aren't close. Some fellas just don't care about birthdays/exams etc..

I'm not particularly close to my own family! I have friends who I regularly contact, but I never ring my family just for a chat! It's always to find out something specific.

I see other families that are really close and always in touch with each other, and sometimes wish I had that in my family. But we're not that type!

Your brother is happy to keep in touch with his friends, but doesn't feel the need/desire to be in touch with you... That's it. That's the reason, I'm afraid.

m'lady

OP I have two brothers in Oz, one who is always in contact, the other who we don't hear from much at all.. That's the way things are, as a previous poster said some people are good at keeping in contact and others aren't.

If this is upsetting you so much would you not send him a message and ask him outright what the story is,rather than trying to second guess? could you have done something to upset/offend him? After that put it to bed and get on with your own life and hopefully he will see sense!

judgefudge

What age is he? As a matter of interest. I know my little cousin (21) is in Canada at the moment and doesn't have a thought to contact anyone at home. Too busy living it up. I don't think it's intentional, just kind of selfish youthfulness. At least you know now that if he ignored your mothers letter it's not just you he has a problem with. Whatever consolation that might be

shane9689

curlzy wrote: »

My little brother is over there but we got Viber so text regularly and we skyped for Christmas and my little sister's 21st. TBH I'd say he honestly just forgot, a bit hurtful but not the end of the world.

However, my real problem I'd have if I were you would be your mother's "old skool" sexist ways. I'm not ok with being a target of sexism, be it my mother or not. To me anyways it's the same as racism or homophobia, it's not OK, doesn't matter who it is and saying "oh they're old" is just making you an apologist for sexism/racism/homophobia etc, which I wouldn't be ok with. If I were you I'd sit my mother down and explain all of this to her and ask her to mend her ways.

Saying all that though my family would be very open to discussion and would take this on board. Perhaps your family isn't like that and you would just be banging your head against a brick wall? If that's the case, I would say my piece once and then just get on with things and just recipricate whatever you bro does, if he acknowledges your birthday then do the same for him, if he doesn't you don't etc.

here comes the mad feminist calling the ops mother a sexist against her own, calm your tits its a birthday card not her payroll.

i say send the card for benefit of the doubt...then try call him or get in contact and find out whats up. sounds unlikely hes mad at you from 10000 miles away

LegacyUser

m'lady wrote: »

OP I have two brothers in Oz, one who is always in contact, the other who we don't hear from much at all.. That's the way things are, as a previous poster said some people are good at keeping in contact and others aren't.

If this is upsetting you so much would you not send him a message and ask him outright what the story is,rather than trying to second guess? could you have done something to upset/offend him? After that put it to bed and get on with your own life and hopefully he will see sense!

OP here again. This is what I have done instead of second guessing. Its been a few weeks and it was bothering me for so long. But I got my answer.

The writing was on the wall for so long and its how I felt. As someone mentioned in one of the posts above he wants to keep in touch with his friends. Not only his friends, but at Easter he rang our grandmother, he keeps in touch with her alot. Even the his friends parents. He didnt even pick up the phone to us at Easter. I dont think its too hard to pick up a phone.

Im done with him. I was making an effort and he couldnt be bothered himself.

A few weeks ago, 7 months after his phone call home at christmas, I sent him another message.

I am going travelling in about 8 weeks time, and I sent him a message letting him know. I will end up less than 10 miles from him and I guess it would be nice if there's someone I could rely on if I get stuck 14000 miles away from home.

Maybe I shouldnt have sent a message letting him know because I know he wont ring home. He must have taken offence to it cause he fcuked me out of it and called me every name under the sun by text and he even rang. Told me not to ever contact him again. I said something that was true that he wasnt going to ring home and he calls me every name under the sun. I think he used it an excuse to bang the nails into the coffin.

Stavro Mueller

What did you say in the text?

LegacyUser

cymbaline wrote: »

What did you say in the text?

Its written in my post. I started the text with: I know that he wont be ringing home. I probably shouldnt have said that but after months of feeling like that. Anyway, thats his choice. I know I didnt do anything on him. Whatever his problem is.

LegacyUser

It seems fairly plain that the problem is not that your brother doesn't keep in touch with anyone; he keeps in touch with people that he wants to keep in touch with (you mentioned your grandmother, and friends parents). For his own reasons, rightly or wrongly, he doesn't seem to want to keep in touch with you.

I understand that it is hurtful to you that you are not included in the group of people that he keeps in contact with, but trying to force/guilt him into it just is not working. Maybe there was an incident in the past that was hurtful to him, which you just don't see the same way; or perhaps it is down to a personality clash.

I really think that your best bet is to lay off the accusations and judgemental texts, and just send the odd chatty update. If he's maintaining contact with others, then he has clearly differentiated between them and you. Perhaps he just feels closer to others. I think you hammering it home to him will only drive a bigger wedge between you

tinkerbell

cymbaline wrote: »

What did you say in the text?

no brthday wrote: »

Its written in my post. I started the text with: I know that he wont be ringing home. I probably shouldnt have said that but after months of feeling like that. Anyway, thats his choice. I know I didnt do anything on him. Whatever his problem is.

OP, what did you say in the text? I've read over your posts again and nowhere do you say what you said in the text in any of your posts. Clearly you said something to him to set him off if he got all pissed off about it.

OP, tbh I think you need to get over yourself. You sound a little self-absorbed. Some people are just not into birthdays and the only birthdays really that are important are when you are a kid, as you get older, birthdays aren't as big a deal. And about your exams - so what if he didn't wish you luck.

You need to get over yourself. Your brother is at the other side of the world on a different time zone and you just whine and moan that he doesn't text you back. Why can't you ring him up to say hello, or Skype? Texting is so impersonal.

From your posts, the only person to blame here is yourself. You don't call him up, instead you send a text saying happy Easter, happy christmas, etc. that's so impersonal. And about not knowing he was leaving and not saying goodbye to him, you did know - you found out a week or two in advance? Is that correct? If a member of my family were moving to Australia, I'd make sure I got to see them off. So it sounds to me like he is low down on your priority list and perhaps he has realised this. Not seeing him off possibly upset him. You just didn't make the effort.

If you didn't know, then clearly you're not a close family - if they didn't tell you he was leaving, then why are you even bothered he's not texting you back?! It makes no sense.

Stavro Mueller

That's what puzzles me. Was there anything else in the text that provoked him? Though on the other hand, if relations aren't the best, starting a text with words like that was almost guaranteed to provoke him. If you really felt you wanted him to know you'd be within ten miles of where he lives, why didn't out just send breezy text mentioning this. I don't know what your brother's issues are but all his actions to date have suggested he has no interest in keeping in touch and has some sort of underlying issues or resentment. It's worth bearing in mind that being related to someone doesn't guarantee in any way that they'll like you.

heretochat

I have a brother living the other side of the world to me. Never hear a word from him from one year to the next. Learned a long time ago to live with it.

We never particularly got on while he was here and see no reason to make an effort now he is gone..

Moral is that family members regularly do not get on with each other. Suck it up and live your own life would be my suggestion.