Help with insecurity about boyfriend's past

LegacyUser

Myself and my boyfriend have been going out for a few months now and everything is great. We get on really well, have a lot in common, both very attracted to each other and enjoy spending time together. We've also met the each other's families and some friends.

My problem is that whenever I think about his past relationships I get insecure. It's not that I care that he has been with other girls, I have had other boyfriends in the past too, it's more that I get an irrational fear that he might still have feelings for his ex or is only with me because he can't be with her (she does not live in this country).

In my head I know that this fear is irrational. I tell myself that he wouldn't be with me if he didn't want to be and he has promised me himself that he would tell me if there was anything in our relationship that he was unhappy about. We have never really talked about our past relationships and I don't really think that there is a need to. He is a really great guy, he treats me really well and I know that he cares a lot about me.

Despite these reassurances, I just can't escape my insecurities. I know that they stem from my own lack of self confidence and I really need some advice in how to overcome them as I really don't want them to affect our realtionship. This fear isn't a constant one, it just hits me every now and then. I'm not sure that I want to talk to my boyfriend about this as I know that it is irrational and silly and it's really an issue I have to work out on my own. Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to overcome this? It really gets me down sometimes.

Czarcasm

I know you said you don't really want to, but perhaps you should talk to your boyfriend about it, it might bring you two closer when you he sees that you really do feel you can talk to him about anything.

He really does sound like a good guy so maybe you should give him a chance at least to offer his opinion as he would know you better than strangers on the internet. If you let these feelings fester inside you, you're only going to make yourself feel worse.

Maybe, and I'm just throwing this out there- Is it a thing where it feels too good to be true and you feel like you don't deserve to be so lucky? So you'll find any reason to find something negative about the relationship. Focus on the good things about your relationship right now OP, not the relationships either of you have had in the past.

faccid

His exes are that for a reason. If he wanted to be with the ex in another country then her being in another country wouldn't stop that. He'd move over or have a long distance relationship.

This is all down to self confidence.. only you can fix this.
Maybe go see a Therapist for your low confidence issues and your irrational fears.

No point in being insecure about something that hasn't even happened yet.

I wouldn't confess all this to your boyfriend as you will come across needy and nobody wants that.

Enjoy the moment, he likes you and it with you!
Any couple can break up at anytime but right now you two are together.

Being insecure and jealous of feeling he might have for an ex is a waste of emotion, instead of thinking negatively. Think positive. He is with you for a reason and only time will tell if it's for the long haul.

shalalala

OP. Have you ever felt insecure in a relationship before about your partners past?

LegacyUser

Hi OP here.

Thank you for your replies.

In response, yes I do sometimes worry that this relationship is "too good to be true". I really try hard not to do it and just be happy with it, but sometimes negative thoughts creep in.

There was one relationship in the past where I had some insecurity about my ex's past, but I discussed it with him and then things were fine.

I am strongly considereing talking to my boyfriend about this, as it really has me feeling down today. "what ifs" keep creeping into my thoughts like "what if he still has feelings for her?" or "what if he's only with me because he can't be with her?" I do think that talking to him may help, but I'm not sure how to approach it without coming across as really insecure and/or ridiculous. I also don't want this to change the way he sees me. Any advice on this would be appreciated.

Thanks again for the advice so far!

CaraMay

Don't talk to him. Because the issue is your own self confidence, there is nothing that he can say which will alleviate your fears / your issues.

It's too early to be having these chats and will come across as needy. You need to work on your own confidence and not to be looking for others to boost you.

shalalala

If the last relationship you were in that you had doubts in was a healthy one then it is probably your insecurities, and you should probably talk to your boyfriend about it.

If not and there actually were issues. Then maybe it is you telling yourself that there might be other problems.

dellas1979

Has he given you any reason to ring alarm bells about her?

Out of interest, what ages are ye?

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

Has he given you any reason to ring alarm bells about her?

Out of interest, what ages are ye?

No he hasn't, which is why I am unsure abou talking to him. We are in our early 20s