lost

LegacyUser

hi everyone. I am really struggeling here but i need to share with someone and going unreg here would really help.
So just had a huge (most likely last) fight with the husband.
So we have had a complicated relantionship in the past while because of the fact i cheated on him/ her 6 years agor, i realised i made a huge mistake and tried to not make him/her pay for my mistake. Of course that didn't work and i turned to be a horrible person because the secret was eating me alive. Then a year and a bit ago i found that he/she had been having a load of online relantionships with people to the point h/she was confiding to them things that were never told to me and doing live webcams with them and even paying for some of these sessions. I was really heart broken and finnally confessed to my own indiscretion.Now what really bothered me, appart from the fact this left,me with 0 self esteem, was the fact he/she perferred to stay all night doing this than coming to bed with me. I asked him/her to stop doing this looking and doing the webcams and i wqs promised it would stop. The reallity was it never did i found a new webcam session video with someone else (captured live and stored) in the pc last november i asked him/her to leave but they never did. I asked again this behavious stopped but found him/her tonight looking at the webcam feeds. All hell broke loose and it seems this relationship has gone down the drain for good.
We went to councelling and everything was, i thought, sorted but no, it keeps goinghe/she doesn't believe i told them the truth about what i did and to be honest i can't blame him/her because i worked really hard to forget and i lied for so long that us nothing i can do or say that will i honestly don't remeber most of what happened. I am full of guilt and shame but there is nothing i can do to change the past, trust me i would if i could.
So i sit here alone in my bed, as usual while oh is slepping on the floor of another room.
I love him/her desperately but he/she keeps saying i ruinned their life and it would have been better to break up back then. Possibly rue what i did was unforgivable. But i am not a monster and i deserve better than this... I think, but do i, do i really?
I have read here countless times that once a cheater always a cheater but that is not true, i have changed...
Please i just need some sort of nice words to confort me considering all i have heard tonight.

ibarelycare

Hi,

Firstly, you've already mentioned that the other person is your husband, so I'm not sure why you keep saying "he/she", it's really confusing!

To summarise your post - you cheated on your husband 6 years ago. You then turned into a "horrible person", presumably not treating him very well? Then it turns out your husband has also been cheating on you (maybe not physically, but I would still count having "online relationships"/cyber sex as cheating). You admitted to your indiscretion, and your husband promised to stop with the online stuff. Now your husband doesn't trust you and won't accept what you did, and he is still going on webcam with other women.

Basically the trust is completely gone in the relationship. He doesn't trust you because of what you did in the past, and you can't trust him because he keeps betraying you.

Do you really want to salvage this relationship? Does your husband?

Czarcasm

I'm not sure what the "he/she" is about when referring to your husband, but you mention it's a complicated relationship so it's not my place to ask.

First off of course I don't think you're a bad person, I think you made a mistake and projected your feelings of self loathing and guilt onto your husband to try and make yourself forget about what happened.

Your husband in the meantime, and especially in the last year or so when it seems to have escalated, has "checked out" of your marriage so to speak. The communication between ye seems to have broken down on both fronts and this seems to suit your husband more than it does you.

I don't think there's much else you can do as you've already tried counselling and it hasn't helped, I think the only course of action left open to you now (and I understand how much you love your husband, but it doesn't seem like that love is reciprocated any more) is perhaps a trial separation of some sort.

This might give you both some space to take stock and maybe your husband might realise what he/she could lose out on were they to lose you. It also might make you see whether they are prepared to make the effort to make the marriage work, or not. If they're not prepared to make the effort, then there's no real point in you beating yourself up any more- you did your best, and now it's time to let go.

sffc

Quick question OP to give a little more context - have you children and how old are you both ?

LegacyUser

Sorry about making things more complicated than they need to be, itend to do that. We have no kods, we were trying byt no luck so far thank god.
I would like to try nd save my marriage but hpw can you come back from this? I can't trust him anymore and i thunk you are tight i need to move on.
I'm not sure if i will ever trust anyone again.
What really pisses me off are the excuses and the secrecy it really hurts and i thunk my heart can't tke anymore.

Merkin

If you both still want the marriage to work then you should probably both try to attend couple's counseling as a last ditch attempt.

Czarcasm

broken heated wrote: »

Sorry about making things more complicated than they need to be, itend to do that. We have no kods, we were trying byt no luck so far thank god.
I would like to try nd save my marriage but hpw can you come back from this? I can't trust him anymore and i thunk you are tight i need to move on.
I'm not sure if i will ever trust anyone again.
What really pisses me off are the excuses and the secrecy it really hurts and i thunk my heart can't tke anymore.

The excuses and the secrecy on BOTH sides OP to be fair, are probably a major factor in why your relationship has become so toxic for both of you at this point.

It sounds like in this instance the damage is too extensive and too deeply rooted to come back from it or to make the marriage worth salvaging, as it doesn't sound like trust can be regained from either side. One sounds as bitter as the other and both of you are doing yourselves no favors by just going about your daily routines and avoiding confrontation.

There needs to be a change in circumstances OP and a change in attitudes on both sides. You can do nothing to help your husband at this point as it sounds to me like he doesn't want any help and doesn't want to change.

In this instance you need to look out for yourself and your own needs and try and rebuild your life, and certainly the next relationship you find yourself in, maybe try and learn to open up a bit more and not let things get so complicated or let issues get to a head where you just want out. You have to give trust OP to get trust, it has to go in both directions.

LegacyUser

I know you are all right and thank you for your words.
I am just really crushed and i just can't seem to let go.
I am a a neighbours house while he is packing but i just want to go over there and give him a big hug and tell him everything will be ok. But alas i can't i have told myself many times before i would not forgive him if he did this again but here i am again holding to everything i have not to go over and commit the same mistake. I know i keep going about this, i am sorry but i can't really speak to anyone else.

LegacyUser

Thank you all your replies. I know you are all right but even though i kept telling myself that i would not forgive him if he kept this up i once again gave in in november and last thursday. I am crushed to find out that my feeling don't matter to him at all and he prefers to keep doing what he did b4 instead of talking to me about it. I'm at a neighbours house while he is packing but i am holding on to everything i have not to go over there and give him a big hug and tell him it will all be ok. I am sorry i keep going on about this but i can't really talk to anyone else. He made a point of telling me how i run off to talk yo everyone when things are a bit rough but i won't until this has finished and my head is a bit clearer.
It's just so much time lost (10years) so much heartache and for what? I deserve to be alone at least i won't be hurt or hurt anyone again...

ibarelycare

Oh you poor thing *hug*

Who knows what's going to happen now. Maybe some time apart will make you both re-evaluate your feelings for each other and you might decide to give things another go.

But maybe this is the end. And yes it feels absolutely awful and you're going to feel awful for a while. But of course you deserve to be happy and you will be happy again. The end of this marriage isn't your fault. You both made mistakes and at the end of the day maybe you weren't as compatible as you once thought you were. The first few weeks will be tough but hang on in there. Slowly but surely you'll start feeling little bits of happiness throughout your day. You'll realise that the pain you were feeling is subsiding and you'll start feeling positive and excited about life again.

Best of luck with whatever happens x