Concerned Aunt

LegacyUser

My sister has a 19 year old son, whom I am very close too, but am not close to my sister as she seems to have sociopathic tendencies.

She is a single Mom, she said the pregnancy was an accident the first time and her son never met his biological father, when her son was 18 she got pregnant again. She said it was planned this time, but fell out with the father and is a single Mom again.

My concern is that the baby was born in January and her son was due to go to college in September. In the meantime he did a lot of babysitting.

She was discouraging him from going to college, because she said money was tight and he should work for a year first. She brought this up with me in front of her son, and I said that his going to college didn't just suddenly happen it has been on the cards for years, why isn't the father of your baby paying enough, why is your son's college opportunity being put on hold now.

He went and did first year failed his exams, repeated and passed. She managed to convince him to take a year out. He now works and babysits taking the role of the father, Anytime i see them he is carrying the baby and the baby-bag, while she walks around hands free.

I was present for a conversation where she tried to convince him to take a FAS course instead of going back to college next year.

I never speak badly to him about his mother, but I am concerned that she does not have his best interests at heart.

I am worried that there is a dynamic here, that is not easily seen by others. I didn't see him all summer when the decision for him not to go to college was made and my mother told me that she blamed me for him going to college in the first year.

I am not sure how to broach this with him, because I can't tell him that I think his mother is using him and she is very aggressive when you broach any subject with her that she doesn't like (this is why I think the father of her second child moved to a primitive island in the pacific ocean).

I am not sure if he is afraid to stand up to her, because when she visited him in college apt without ringing first, he asked her to ring first and she said thats fine, if you don't want to be part of this family me and <baby_name> will go it alone. So, threatening him with loosing his family, because it stood up to her!!!! I would be happy my son showing some balls, but it is as if she is emasculating him or something.

I can't talk to him, I can't talk to her, do I sit back and watch how his life unfolds, or should I do something? Any advise would be appreciated.

LittleBook

concernedaunt wrote: »

do I sit back and watch how his life unfolds, or should I do something?

I love my nephews deeply and I couldn't see either of them in an apparent situation like this and say nothing to them. However, you don't have to tell him that his mother is "using him" ... there are many ways to have this conversation with him without disrespecting his mother.

If you can, arrange to meet him for lunch or something like that and start the conversation about college, not about his home life. Ask him what he wants to do. If he says he wants to go to college, ask him why he isn't. If he says it's because his mother needs him, remind him that she managed to raise him on her own and that she can manage to raise his brother/sister too. Perhaps you could reassure him that you are there for him and for his mother ... clearly you don't like her but you might consider putting that aside for a time for his sake and your other nephew/niece.

There's a lot of "ifs" in that hypothetical conversation which serves to illustrate that you don't actually know what is going on here ... you might need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he's doing this for his brother/sister, not for his mother. Or that he's not all that bothered about going back to college.

At the very least, if you can't even broach the subject with him, there's really nothing you can do.

skyfall2012

I would ask your nephew if he is thinking of going back to college this year. Tell him the importance of him taking the opportunity now, as he might find it harder to go back later. No need to mention his mother, unless he brings it up.

Also, tell him how many students put themselves through college by juggling work and studies, this takes a lot of commitment and not everybody can do it (if his mother is not willing to pay the fees).

LegacyUser

LittleBook wrote: »

I love my nephews deeply and I couldn't see either of them in an apparent situation like this and say nothing to them. However, you don't have to tell him that his mother is "using him" ... there are many ways to have this conversation with him without disrespecting his mother.

If you can, arrange to meet him for lunch or something like that and start the conversation about college, not about his home life. Ask him what he wants to do. If he says he wants to go to college, ask him why he isn't. If he says it's because his mother needs him, remind him that she managed to raise him on her own and that she can manage to raise his brother/sister too. Perhaps you could reassure him that you are there for him and for his mother ... clearly you don't like her but you might consider putting that aside for a time for his sake and your other nephew/niece.

There's a lot of "ifs" in that hypothetical conversation which serves to illustrate that you don't actually know what is going on here ... you might need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he's doing this for his brother/sister, not for his mother. Or that he's not all that bothered about going back to college.

At the very least, if you can't even broach the subject with him, there's really nothing you can do.

u

Thank you so much for your reply, I was so close to having that conversation with him about his mother, because I am afraid he can't really see what is happening.

Your suggestion is very good and he often visits us at the weekend, so I will take your approach. He is a REALLY great person and he loves his mother, but she is so manipulative, I am the only sister that speaks to her the rest don't even bother(so it is not just me who feels this way towards her).

I want to push him in the right direction without having to open up a can of worms. I guess all I can do is talk to him, I am not sure how strong he is against her will, as I am not there when these conversations about college are taking place anymore. She can really guilt trip you and no doubt she does that to him.

Thanks again.

tony81

Basically, your sister is a "welfare mum."

She doesn't really know much about raising kids apart from she gets money for doing it, she loves being a mother, and she loves parading around with her adult son and baby.

Your nephew doesn't know any better. He grew up with her his whole life. He lacks a strong male role model. He doesn't see the value of working towards something, or achieving something. He thinks a valid contribution to society is babysitting his mother's baby, and doesn't realise there really isn't much of a reward there.

You should try to give your nephew a wee push in the right direction in terms of good advice e.g. "those grants might not be around next year", "you should start back in September to see how it goes", etc. Encourage him to speak to a careers guidance counsellor in the college.

LegacyUser

tony81 wrote: »

Basically, your sister is a "welfare mum."

She doesn't really know much about raising kids apart from she gets money for doing it, she loves being a mother, and she loves parading around with her adult son and baby.

Your nephew doesn't know any better. He grew up with her his whole life. He lacks a strong male role model. He doesn't see the value of working towards something, or achieving something. He thinks a valid contribution to society is babysitting his mother's baby, and doesn't realise there really isn't much of a reward there.

You should try to give your nephew a wee push in the right direction in terms of good advice e.g. "those grants might not be around next year", "you should start back in September to see how it goes", etc. Encourage him to speak to a careers guidance counsellor in the college.

She has always worked and still works part-time. She bought her own house as a single Mom, in this regard she is very impressive person. She has a degree.

But, she is very clever and charming, people love her when they meet her, but soon find that they are being used a lot, she has a high turn over of friends.

She reads a lot and particularly psychology books and to my mind she does this to use the information to manipulate people.

I hadn't spoken to her in years, but her son would call to us all the time, my husband and father would be the role models in his life. My husband took him to the cinema last year and for a pint afterwards because we thought he looked tired and my husband said, that my nephew in the cinema out of the blue said 'I learnt a long time ago to keep my mouth shut'.

So if a parent has never allowed you to express your opinion, I think there comes a stage that you don't know how even when you want to and end up feeling trapped.

So I am not sure if he knows how to let her know he wants to go to college and she pretends that it is his bad choices is the reason he is at home.

tony81

Concernedaunt wrote: »

She reads a lot and particularly psychology books and to my mind she does this to use the information to manipulate people.

Wow, i misread the whole thing. This all sounds very disturbing if she's so smart but has her son performing a mother's (or parent's) role to his younger brother. i assumed she was just ignorant.

She really seems to be controlling his life and has little if nothing to offer him in terms of self respect or personal development.

There is nothing wrong in theory with taking a year out of college to get a bit of independence but living with his mammy and babysitting? Waste of time.

LegacyUser

tony81 wrote: »

Wow, i misread the whole thing. This all sounds very disturbing if she's so smart but has her son performing a mother's (or parent's) role to his younger brother. i assumed she was just ignorant.

She really seems to be controlling his life and has little if nothing to offer him in terms of self respect or personal development.

There is nothing wrong in theory with taking a year out of college to get a bit of independence but living with his mammy and babysitting? Waste of time.

So really what I am asking is how to deal with a sociopath, who is using her son to babysit her other child, when he should really be spreading his wings. I can't share my thoughts to him of his mother and he loves her and I think believes in a lot of what she says.

I was so angry with him when he failed his exams, because I knew she would use that to make him stay at home the next year.

The only good thing that comes from this is that he is bounding with his sister.

But this is such an important time in his life and I feel that he emotional growth is being stunted by her. I cannot see how, him working and babysitting for her and living with her is going to do anything for his emotional growth and learning to become a man.

I mean she is trying to convince him to do a FAS course in outdoor pursuits because he was always and indoorsy child. Somebody give me some insight into how to stop her ruining his life! Pleaseee.

Taltos

You may have been angry with him for failing - but consider his home life - did you really expect him to come in with flying colours. Chances are his mother has been doing everything she can to ensure he did not succeed and therefore prove him right.

Any chance he would come live with you or seek college housing? Basically he needs to get out of there, as long as he lives under her influence he is fighting an uphill and almost impossible battle.

ash23

I think you need to speak to your nephew before making assumptions about who is behind him dropping out.
Many people get to college to find it's not for them, they might not like the lack of money or not be able to make friends or not like the course.

His mother has reared him and you say he's a lovely chap. Don't underestimate her role in all that.

I think your opinion of your sister might be clouding your view.

Talk to your nephew and get the facts from him before automatically assuming he's being coerced into dropping out.

RossFixxxed

I think you may possibly be jumping to conclusions about why he is dropping out. I can't tell from the post.

If you get in the middle of this you risk both of them banding together and blaming all sorts of things on you. Any time I've gotten in the middle of something I have regretted it.

He is 19 now and he will need to cut the apron strings and make his own decisions. You can be there for support / guidance but you can't force it on him. I'd keep my distance, as crappy as that may be.

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

I think you need to speak to your nephew before making assumptions about who is behind him dropping out.
Many people get to college to find it's not for them, they might not like the lack of money or not be able to make friends or not like the course.

His mother has reared him and you say he's a lovely chap. Don't underestimate her role in all that.

I think your opinion of your sister might be clouding your view.

Talk to your nephew and get the facts from him before automatically assuming he's being coerced into dropping out.

Thanks Taltos for your reply, I will look into accommodation as an option to offer him, if he wants to go back.

Ok, I will ask him, but he visits me and my husband at the weekends (mostly to chat with my husband because they get on really well) and his stories were all good, his friends from school were there, he was playing his music, trying to start a band (that has come to a halt).

Your point on his mother has reared him is very important and I have questioned myself about this, but once a close friend of mine suggested that she would be the kind of mother 'who would refuse to love you, if you misbehaved and might tell her son so' and this results in a child who always behaves and I have to say this boy has NEVER stepped outta line or made any stupid mistakes. But that is speculation, I am not sure how she reared him.

When we heard she was pregnant my family predicted this would happen and it did.
So I am making my judgement on what I am observing now, and a normal mother would not use her son as a babysitter and would do everything in her power to help him become a man.

On the 'my opinion of my sister', I would love to get on with her, I get on with my 5 other sisters. But she makes it very hard.

I think the only solution here is to talk to him without mentioning that I think his mother is a sociopath and try to convince him to go back to college.

I forgot to say that she b1tches about me and my family to him since he was a child, so her voice to him is more powerful than mine. I just need to feel that I have tried everything, to ensure he isn't ruining his life.

Thank so much for the replies, this forum really helps you straighten your thoughts out.