Accepting that I may be asexual?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,
Not sure if this is the most appropriate forum so feel free to move. Basically this is something that has been causing me anxiety for some time so I'd like some opinions.
I am a 23-year-old girl. For as long as I can remember, I have felt that I was 'sexually different' to my friends, for lack of a better description.
To be frank, I feel as though I am not strongly attracted to anyone, male or female. I identify myself as straight, by default I suppose. In the past few years I've never had any trouble attracting guys, I've dated a few semi-seriously, my longest relationship was about 4 or 5 months. In that time, I have slept with 3 guys, numerous attempts with 2 of them. Only once have I been physically able to have full penetrative sex, not for lack of trying. I blame this on the fact that I have never ever felt aroused when with a boyfriend. I fancy good-looking guys but more in a sense that I find them aesthetically pleasing, rather than they 'turn me on' or anything like that. I have used lubricant, muscle relaxants, everything - sex is still painful and unenjoyable because I'm not aroused or relaxed down there.
All this leads me to believe that maybe I am asexual, BUT. Since I was young I have had a fetish of sorts, basically a weird quirky thing that turns me on which I won't get into the specifics of. It's not a bondage, S&M thing - just an odd, gender-nonspecific thing. I masturbate to thoughts of this and can come easily by myself.

I know this may sound ridiculous or like a pisstake, but it is driving me crazy. I can't talk to anyone about it because it's so strange and bizarre. I truly feel like I'm not sexually attracted to people. I like the idea of being in a relationship and loving someone, and when I've been dating guys I've been really happy to go on dates, kissing, holding hands etc. I have ended all my relationships because of the sex issues. I've tried and tried in this area but I'm coming to the conclusion that I am just not wired that way.

Any thoughts anyone? I feel like I'll never have a fulfilling relationship with someone, maybe I don't even really want to. I know I can experience sexual pleasure, but just not with other people?!?

LittleBook

Firstly, you're not alone. Asexuality is only in the past few years being recognised as an actual sexual orientation but there are plenty of you out there, both male and female.

You don't sound like you have a problem with your asexuality but I get the impression you feel alone with it. There are resources out there for you. I don't know where you are but a good place to start is with The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. AVEN

There's also an LGBT Forum here on Boards where I've seen some asexuals post but I'm genuinely not sure if/how asexuals fit into LGBT community ... you could check with one of the moderators there. Although I will say that my daughter is gay and has met some asexuals through her LBGT youth group.

Just regarding your fear that you'll never have a fulfilling relationship with someone ... this can and does work between asexuals. And I'm not talking about beards or fake relationships, there are plenty of asexuals in long-term fulfilling sexless relationships. Good luck!

sheikhnguyen

Are you sure that you are asexual and not just a kinky person? It may be that whatever it is that you are masturbating to is the only thing that gets you off and that if you were to explore that kink with another person you might be able to enjoy yourself. I would be extremely surprised if whatever it is you are fantasizing about is unique to you, I imagine there would be a community that is in to it too somewhere on the internet. Alternatively if you find someone who is GGG you could ask them to explore it with you.

CdeC

hey OP,
I think sexuality is something your born with but then is moulded as you mature. You say you're not attracted to either gender yet you notice good looking guys.!!
To me you are not asexual , you fancy guys and you have this fetish thing.
I am not sure what this fetish thing is that turns you on but I think you should start here. Is it something that someone else could share with you?? I would explore this possibility and don't be embarassed, everyone has some fantasy or another. It may also lead on to other things that appeal to you that perhaps your mind hasnt been opened to yet. Also relationships are more than sex, people need company and someone to trust.
Go with it and explore but I would say

not asexual.

RossFixxxed

Hi OP,

Your post is too vague to be honest. Firstly the term 'accepting' suggests you might not be but you are trying to force that lable on yourself perhaps?

You have a sexual fetish... that suggests you are not entirely asexual.

Have you explored your sexuality at all? You seem to have things that DO turn you on, gender non specific. Could you be bi and kinky?

It all sounds like you are finding your feet and discovering your sexuality. Don't shoe-horn yourself (owch!) into any particular pigeon hole (this analogy is going wrong on me). Just explore what you like and what interests you. You never really know. I still find little kinks I like to this day!

Just to reiterate: it's hard to tell from your post, but I get the impression you aren't sure.

LegacyUser

Hey Op,

What about women, do you ever find yourself attracted to them , like think she is beautiful, or hot, or she has a great body / ass, or she has great personality/ lure / intrigue.??

tony81

I think the problem nowadays is everything is so sexualised and the people who are sex addicts seem to shout from the rooftops how sex-positive they are, and how many different positions and how many different sexual partners.. you hear so much you just assume that this is the norm.

Not sure what your fetish is (sounds intriguing!) however is it possible you depersonalised sex in some way - maybe past failures at a sexual relationship? Might be something you could discuss with a therapist to get to the bottom of it.

davet82

unregistered wrote: »

All this leads me to believe that maybe I am asexual, BUT. Since I was young I have had a fetish of sorts, basically a weird quirky thing that turns me on which I won't get into the specifics of. It's not a bondage, S&M thing - just an odd, gender-nonspecific thing. I masturbate to thoughts of this and can come easily by myself.

well you are definately a sexual person because masturbation is a sexual act and you enjoy it, its really hard to define this (your sexuality), (if it can be) without some more details, it may not be as odd as you think, take a chance and discuss it here as you've nothing to loose i reckon

good luck either way figuring things out

Roisy7

OP remember Rule 34 of the internet. I guarantee you're not alone in your fetish.

As the other posters have said, if you masturbate then you are a sexual person, and therefore not asexual.

Perhaps it might be worth examining your past to explore where the fetish came from and why you feel it's a problem now.

Also I wouldn't fret about the lack of attraction to guys. Perhaps you are simply picky. Maybe the fact that you are inhibited by worrying about your sexuality means that you haven't felt able to relax around them and that's why sex has not been a pleasurable experience for you.

Some friends of mine literally fancy anything in trousers, whereas a guy has to have a spark, or a certain something, before I really get the hots for him. Maybe you haven't met someone who will send thunderbolts through you yet.

As Tony81 says, everything is so sexualised today and it can be difficult for people to get into the swing of it. Possibly because we are bombarded by images of beautiful bodies and sex in reality can be a little gross. I think confidence is a huge part of feeling sexually attractive. It can happen to any girl that things won't go where they're supposed to with a new partner and I think being relaxed and feeling confident help you feel sexy.

But of course until you figure out what's going on within yourself you won't reach that stage.

I would advise you to really explore what turns you on (the internet may be helpful here ) but to be honest I don't think you're asexual. Good luck OP

LegacyUser

Hi guys, OP here. Just wanted to thank everyone for the advice. As alot of you suggested, I am not 100% convinced that I am asexual, it just seems like the only answer at times. Obviously, I would hope that I'm not, but I just find my situation terribly lonely and frustrating at times. I'm going to take all the advice on board, it's much appreciated!

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I can really relate to what you're feeling right now. I know exactly how you feel, because for years I felt the same way. I'm not sure that the people who've posted here so far really get what you're describing. I always ended relationships because I didn't feel like I would be compatible with girls who wanted sex. The relationship you describe in your opening post would have sounded absolutely perfect for me, because I longed to be close with someone and have a relationship, but just didn't want sex.

I'm a guy in my early 30's and I felt like you did for most of my teens/twenties. I've always felt different from my friends and never found people sexually attractive. I just didn't want to have sex, it didn't interest me and despite identifying myself as being straight, I can honestly say I never saw a woman in real life and thought "I'd like to f**k her". After much thought and a bit of internet searching I started to identify as being asexual, it just seemed to fit. I second the suggestion to check out AVEN, I thought it was a great resource. I don't really agree with what other people have posted about masturbation though. I have always masturbated from when I was 12 and from what I read it is not uncommon for people who identify themselves as asexual to do so. I think people on here are just making assumptions. Having a **** and wanting to have sex with someone else are two entirely separate things. In recent years my outlook has changed and after meeting the right woman, I started to enjoy sex and would now no longer identify myself as asexual. Again, from what I've read, this is not uncommon as some people go through life having periods of asexuality and periods where they're sexually active.

For me, I think it was having grown up in a completely dysfunctional family and experiencing a few really negative sexual encounters that gave me some really negative feelings when it came to sex with others. I think it was really a fear of intimacy that acted as a barrier for me. It was only through acknowledging this and accepting it that I learned to have what would be considered a more normal sex life. It didn't happen over night either, I needed to learn to relax and to learn how to transfer those feelings of sexual excitement and enjoyment that I experienced during masturbation to when I was having sex with someone else. At first I couldn't keep an erection and after that I couldn't come when I kept an erection, but eventually things started to click into place, almost like I was rewiring my body.

I don't want it to sound like you should aspire to what people would consider a "normal" sex life though. I think you should accept yourself for who you are and try to go from there. My asexuality used to be a worry for me occasionally, but most of the time I accepted it and embraced the fact that I was different from my peers.

I would be more than happy to talk to you if you ever felt like it.

kjl

If you could share your fetish with someone who was into it, do you think you could have sex with that person?