EX and his family causing problems

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm looking for advise on this. I split up with my partner a while ago as he was cheating on me. We agreed to stay civil as we have a child. We also agreed we would share custody. He now lives with his parents. Over the last few months he has been very demanding, verbally attacking me when I miss a call from him but always ignoring mine. His family blow hot and cold with me when I drop off our son. Recently our son has been using bad manners (telling everyone to get lost) and I asked my ex to ensure he and his family watch their language around him, however, when I went to collect my son the other day, I walked in on him and his parents encouraging it and laughing at it. Also, I don't allow smoking inside my house since he was born, however, he and his family smoke around my child. I know I have been bullied and my confidence is low, but I need advice on where I stand as they are threatening to take me to court and look for full custody. I want my child to have a relationship with his father and family, however, I am very unhappy at the treatment of the child in general (apart from the agression towards me and stupid habits been put before his son, he is a great dad and dotes on him), however, I am now wondering if I should follow up first and get full custody and allow visitation/days out but stop him going to the home? Can I do this? I dont' want any more trouble, but when their awful habits are affecting my child, I can't stand by and do nothing. Finally, his family are very big and extended, not from a good area and not a good reputation (I know I should have listened to everyone who told me to steer clear, but I was young and stupid), I am alone with one family member living close'ish, but am not in a position to relocate and I don't believe that the fathers family would stand by and watch me relocate any distance without a fight. Please, I would apreachiate any advice and no "It's your own doin!!" as I know that I've brought this on myself, but it's not about me anymore. Thank you

DangerMouse27

Hi there poster.

I think you have to realise that your not this young and naieve person anymore that you said you once were, you are a mother and this places you with a burden of responsability.

You do say the family blow hot and cold with you, but can you understand why this is? Have you a relationship with your sons grandparents? If not, why not? If the boy is spending a lot of time there, it may be best to really try to befriend them. If you do not like them smoking around your son, then tell them. I feel i have to keep saying this, but he is your son.

If they are looking for full custody..but you do not say why? then I would begin to restrict their access now. You should certainly follow up the custody issue on your behalf and get to know your rights.
While its sad in its own way, the rights of the mother far outweigh the rights of the father in state law. In all cases, it will depend on the safety and whats best for the child.
One mother trumps grandparents and a father.

gorbidonn

I had a great relationship with his family until I broke up wit my ex, since then, they are unpredictable in their moods. Either they don't know or believe he cheated on me or think I should overlook it. Not sure, I have told them about the smoking and bad manners and all either berate me or agree and then continue to do what they want to do. Christmas, my ex insisted he have my son for the night and me for the morning but then left him with his parents and went to a party. There seems to be a lot of anger towards me, and I've spoken so much to all of them about been adult for our child's sake, but its fallen on deaf ears, I think. I don't want to cut them out, and know that it will turn nasty if I go legal but I feel I've run out of options.

DangerMouse27 wrote: »

Hi there poster.

I think you have to realise that your not this young and naieve person anymore that you said you once were, you are a mother and this places you with a burden of responsability.

You do say the family blow hot and cold with you, but can you understand why this is? Have you a relationship with your sons grandparents? If not, why not? If the boy is spending a lot of time there, it may be best to really try to befriend them. If you do not like them smoking around your son, then tell them. I feel i have to keep saying this, but he is your son.

If they are looking for full custody..but you do not say why? then I would begin to restrict their access now. You should certainly follow up the custody issue on your behalf and get to know your rights.
While its sad in its own way, the rights of the mother far outweigh the rights of the father in state law. In all cases, it will depend on the safety and whats best for the child.
One mother trumps grandparents and a father.

sffc

Hi Op ,
as has just been said as an the unmarried mother of the child you have far more rights as he has basically has no automatic rights . That is to say you can give him some but otherwise a court grants them .
He has obligations though ! You make no mention of child maintainance . This is an absolute legal right of your child . I'll scream if you say you aren't getting any for your child . Access and maintainance must be kept separate in your thinking and discussions with the father . Otherwise you will end up threatening no access if he doesn't pay and vice versa . In court proceeding the two issues are heard separately to underline the point . Put simply a wealthy man shouldn't see more of his children than a poor man and conversely a poor man shouldn't have to bargain away his access because he can't pay .
I wouldn't worry too much about their threats as they undoubtedly know they are in a weak position and just want to worry you . Unless you give your child for adoption you will always be its gaurdian .
At the moment you have 100% custody and you want it kept that way because you want definite say in what happens when your partner has the child . You are giving him access but not custody - there is a difference . You won't like what I'm saying next - he is effectively being treated as a babysitter where you make the rules . If you want to really give him part custody you have little right to tell him whether he can expose the child to envoirimental smoke (it's not illegal - yet ) or any legal behaviour just because you don't approve of it . Where would you draw the line ? would you give him a list of which of his friends can say hello to it when he walks through the park ?
I'm not condoning any bullying/abuse that may come from him/them but you have to see that a % of their aggression comes from feeling vunerable . Withdrawing the access altogether will totally inflame the situation and force them to court with you looking like the aggresser . Personally I would offer them a access and maintainance hearing in the district court . Take control . Get a solicitor and if you can't afford one get advice from the Citizens Info and Legal Aid . Best of luck .

P. Breathnach

gorbidonn wrote: »

... I don't want to cut them out, and know that it will turn nasty if I go legal but I feel I've run out of options.

Has it not already turned nasty? So you have nothing to lose by going legal.

homemadecider

I agree about going the legal route. No way would I be happy for a child to be in a smoke-filled environment learning bad manners and curse words. Get yourself a solicitor, or talk to FLAC (Free Legal Advice Centre).

gorbidonn

Just to confirm, he's paying 25e a week although this is a mutual agreement only, and he buys nappies, food etc to have when the baby is there, which is an improvement as originally I was expected (and did) provide all the above. Thank u all, I never thought of citizens advice and never even heard of flac, Ty. The more I type, the more of an idiot I feel.


He has obligations though ! You make no mention of child maintainance . This is an absolute legal right of your child . I'll scream if you say you aren't getting any for your child . Access and maintainance must be kept separate in your thinking and discussions with the father . Otherwise you will end up threatening no access if he doesn't pay and vice versa . In court proceeding the two issues are heard separately to underline the point . Put simply a wealthy man shouldn't see more of his children than a poor man and conversely a poor man shouldn't have to bargain away his access because he can't pay .
I wouldn't worry too much about their threats as they undoubtedly know they are in a weak position and just want to worry you . Unless you give your child for adoption you will always be its gaurdian .

sffc

gorbidonn wrote: »

Just to confirm, he's paying 25e a week although this is a mutual agreement only, and he buys nappies, food etc to have when the baby is there, which is an improvement as originally I was expected (and did) provide all the above. Thank u all, I never thought of citizens advice and never even heard of flac, Ty. The more I type, the more of an idiot I feel.


He has obligations though ! You make no mention of child maintainance . This is an absolute legal right of your child . I'll scream if you say you aren't getting any for your child . Access and maintainance must be kept separate in your thinking and discussions with the father . Otherwise you will end up threatening no access if he doesn't pay and vice versa . In court proceeding the two issues are heard separately to underline the point . Put simply a wealthy man shouldn't see more of his children than a poor man and conversely a poor man shouldn't have to bargain away his access because he can't pay .
I wouldn't worry too much about their threats as they undoubtedly know they are in a weak position and just want to worry you . Unless you give your child for adoption you will always be its gaurdian .

25 euro is peanuts! Even if he's not working 50 is a minimum. Expect 100 if he has a half decent job. You aren't an idiot btw , it's a learning curve for everyone - we've all been there

ABajaninCork

I think the father's family are being incredibly selfish, inconsiderate and ignorant smoking around the child. I am a smoker and I don't like to smoke inside the house, as I can't stand the smell and out of consideration to my husband who doesn't smoke!

As for going for full custody? They're full of hot air and are just trying to scare you. As an unmarried mother, no court will take away custody from you! You could be a junkie and they still won't do it. So don't worry about that.

If the Ex verbally attacks you when you speak, then tell him he needs to wind his neck in or you'll put down the phone. Tell him when he calms down, you can talk.

Would it be possible to sit down and have a chat to the father? Maybe do it in a neutral atmosphere. You could go for a drink or coffee if you like. Point out the dangers of passive smoking around the child and the fact he comes home stinking of smoke (I know!:o). Get him onside about the fact the child's learning bad habits and swearing which you would appreciate his parents not using around him.

I would agree that the time's now come to get legal. There's no need to be nasty or confrontational about it, but perhaps you could say that it would be good to get everything about the child's access and maintenance arrangements on a more formal footing so that everyone knows where they stand.

I also think E25 is way too low to be paying in the way of maintenance. Who pays the childcare costs? At the very least, this alone should be 50-50.

Good luck!

Boombastic

OP, I think that you need to realise that it is not just your child but his child too. I know you are trying to protect your child and have every right to make suggestions about not smoking/cursing around the child but he does not have to take heed, no more than you would if he started to dictate what you could and couldn't do around the child. For instance if he stated that he did not want any lads staying over at your house in case it might effect the child.

Yes they are undermining your parenting, but as they are not doing anything illegal, I'm not sure how much you can do apart from going to court and formalising access and maintenance. If he is not abusing the child - you say he is otherwise a great dad, then you need to let him get on with it.

His actions verbally abusing you are not on and take control of this and do not let him get away with it, but do not use the child as a weapon.

sffc

Boombastic wrote: »

OP, I think that you need to realise that it is not just your child but his child too. I know you are trying to protect your child and have every right to make suggestions about not smoking/cursing around the child but he does not have to take heed, no more than you would if he started to dictate what you could and couldn't do around the child.

One quick thing OP - how long did you cohabit with the child's father after he/she was born ? If it was more than two years it changes things . I'm presuming it was less here :

Not so - legally anyway . Without court intervention he does have to take heed or would be wise to - because she has every right not to leave her child with him if she chooses . (As you can see from my previous posts I have sympathy for both sides have advised the OP not to take such action lightly. ) In law she is 100% the child's guardian and is leaving the child with a stranger in effect . It even could be argued that at the moment he has less rights than a normal childminder as there is no payment involved .
This farcial situation is at odds to what most people think fair and a grey area will lie between the two if nothing is done . It all points to the legal route to clear up these gray areas and hence clear up disputes .Even with court intervention some grey ares will remain but they will be minimised . The dad's parents language and probably their smoking around the child will be such a grey area . If the child has a particular condition and your doctor will testify that conditon is being worsened/caused by envoirimental smoke the OP may get her way however .

Boombastic

Legally perhaps that is the situation, but looking a the wider ramifications



OP you say he's a great father otherwise. When your child gets to an age where they start asking about their father and why they don't know him will the reason of 'he smoked and cursed around you' going to cut it?

gorbidonn

Hi, we were living together for a year or so. With regards to explaining to my son in the future about why his dad isn't around, I don't intend to do that. He needs his dad and I've been encouraging this, but the hostility, been unreasonable and general nasty behavior and comments are not good for my child or me and all I want is agreement by everyone to put our son first and to stick to it. Fyi, I bring and collect my son from his dad and if I didn't, he likely wouldn't see him more than once r twice a month, so I encounter this hostility whilst trying to do the best for my child. Thank you all for your help so far

ABajaninCork

Then I would definitely get something legal down, OP. Make an appointment to see someone in FLAC or someone similar to get legal advice. See where you stand.