Advice please ladies

thehills

I'm in a bit of a state and I would value other people'sperspectives/opinions on a situation I'm in.

Firstly to give a bit of background information, Mr X, who is the root causeof the situation is a married man. Last year at a party, he was quite drunk but said twice something to the effect that he'd love to grab me from behind. I did not say or do anything to provoke his actions. I told my boyfriend about this but he never really believed me. We have met Mr X a few times and I've never felt comfortable as everytime I looked at him, I'd catch him looking at me. Mr X is a very good friend of my boyfriend and he provides a lot of business to my boyfriend’s company.

Last Saturday night, my boyfriend and I were with Mr X and his wife along with other family and friends at a dinner dance event. We all met in the bar and Mr X gave me a look with what I can only describe as a pout. I was nicely dressed so I can only assume he was making this pout face to complement my appearance. But yet I still felt a little uncomfortable. My boyfriend and I were separated at the table for the meal. After the meal, I wanted to join my boyfriend but he was busy chatting to other people. The lady sat beside me went to the toilets and Mr X then came and sat beside me. He talked to the person on the other side of him, but his leg kept touching mine, lightly. I moved my legs and thought nothing of it. There was more leg touching and again I moved my legs away. The lady came back and said to him he was sitting in her chair and I can’t remember the exact words as there was a lot of noise. Anyway, I joked to the lady she could sit on his knee. There was no sign of Mr X offering her seat back and she then went to sit on anotherchair. Mr X should clearly have got offthe chair and let her sit next to her husband. Mr X then turned to me and said I could sit on his knee and 'talk about what pops up'. I gave him a gentle punch and told him to behave but I was clearly uncomfortable. I finally managed to get my boyfriend’s attention and told him what happened. He didn't believe me at first. But then he was furious and he said to sit with him. I will also add that my boyfriend told me he was observing Mr X as soon as Mr X sat beside me. He didn’t witness the conversation about sitting on the knee but I’m sure he could clearly see how uncomfortable I was. For the rest of the evening, my boyfriend was annoyed with Mr X. I couldn’t even look at Mr X but anytime I looked at him, he was looking at me. The next morning in the hotel lobby, Mr X barely spoke to me, not that I wanted him to. Perhaps he knew I was upset with him.

This is the worst part. My boyfriend has now turned on me saying that I was drunk, (I certainly wasn't), that I encouraged Mr X to say about sitting on his knee and that I was imagining the leg touching because Mr X is a big guy and he probably wasnt sitting easy. He wants space from me now for a while because I could have jeopardised his friendship and his business because I overreacted to the situation. He said I destroyed his night out. I’m so distraught. I now have some faint idea of what its like for a victim not to be believed or to be made feel that its their fault that something happened.

What are your views on this? Perhaps I am a prude. Maybe its normal for married men to behave inthis way. But I am clearly uncomfortable with this sort of behaviour. Should I have even said anything to my boyfriend? I told him because he always told me not to keep anything from him. But if I couldn’t turn to him, who else could I have turned to on that night. I wish I had the guts to tell Mr X to leave me alone but I was aware of his friendship and his business link to my boyfriend. I was also aware that his wife was sitting there at the table too. As for my boyfriend, I feel so let down. I don’t think I could ever rely on him again in a situation like this. Maybe I didn't help the situation by telling the lady to sit on his knee, which I did so innocently in the name of humour but not with any intention of crude/lewd undertone. But as for what I experienced at a party last year, and for all the times I felt uncomfortable with Mr X, I really did nothing to deserve such disrespect from Mr X, and above all, my boyfriend turning on me and letting me down.

SunnyDub1

Why you posting this here.... You should have posted it in PI more likely to get some opinions there.

Mr X sounds like a pervy man, bu then again could be just friendly - hard to judge a person without meetibg them. You should just try ignore and not let him effect you as much as he did.
Not been smart but you where obviously looking at him enough to know what faces he was making at you, secondly why didn't you just nicely excuse yourself and leave the table when he sat beside you and let him take the hint.

no matter who Mr X is to your boyf he should be more supportive and understanding towards you.

looksee

Mr X was just being an obnoxious little man trying it on. Your boyfriend however has shown his true colours

my boyfriend turning on me and letting me down.

Only you know how much he means to you, either you have it out with him or move on, he doesn't sound like someone with your best interests at heart.

thehills

Thanks SunnyDub1 for your comments.
Just to clarify -
I wasn't looking at him a lot but as I would be looking around at the table, or on previous occassions checking to see what my child was up to, I would catch him looking at me. I would never intentionally look at him unless in conversation, which was quite rare. As for excusing myself from the table, I should add I have a disability and I would have needed help to leave the ballroom as there was nowhere else for me to go and sit. to ask someone and to decide where to go to outside of the ballroom was too much for me as I would have had to ask my boyfriend for our room key and I would have had to explain why I was leaving.

judgefudge

Sounds like mr. X is a sleazeball. Unfortunately there are many in this life and we have to learn to deal with them.

Maybe your boyfriend is frustrated because as you said this is an important work colleague of his. He should have more sympathy for the fact that it's not you, but his boss, that's putting him in a tricky situation. But maybe he genuinely thinks you need to calm down and learn to ignore this guy? I realise he makes you uncomfortable but can you avoid him at all? Touching your leg and making sleazy jokes is not pleasant and not something that you should have to deal with, but sometimes we have to do that in life... It's just reality. If he propositioned you seriously or touched you inappropriately I would be giving you different advice.

Curry Addict

i think there could be some truth in your boyfriends opinion although it is a very harsh opinion and over the top.

you handled the situation very clumsily.
you were observing mr. sleaze from when he arrived. he could notice this and interpret it as interest.
when the awkward situation arose you got involved unnecessarily and made the first sleazy suggestion which led to a sleazy reply but you did instigate it.

its difficult to deal with these types of characters, its best to just ignore as much as you can or if forced give short responses and exit the situation.

thehills

Thanks for the replies.
Curry Addict, I was acknowledging and saying hello to Mr X and his wife when we entered the bar, out of politeness as I know of his importance to my boyfriend's business. I'd be rude to ignore him.
I really feel stupid and naive. I say things for humour and not sleaze. I guess I said it to the lady to show Mr X that she wanted her seat back as he wasn't showing any sign of moving off the seat when she told him it was her seat. I said it before I thought about it. I feel so stupid now. And it has cost me my relationship with my boyfriend who I've been with for 6 years and we have our child. I'm feeling terribly devastated by all this and just wish I could press a rewind button.

looksee

A long relationship and a child puts a rather different complexion on it. You cannot walk away from that sort of relationship as you could a short term boyfriend. You must have a good relationship most of the time to stay together that long, so maybe discussion and trying to come to a consensus on the issues would be the best way to go at the moment. You have to talk though.

thehills

He doesn't want to talk to me. He says he needs some space and to leave him alone. I don't know if he's talking a week or a month. He won't listen to me - he just laid it all on me this morning that it was all my fault, I destroyed his night out, and I could have cost him his business. I tried talking to him but he wouldn't listen. I am at a loss at what to do.

Neyite

The problem is that what is sleaze to one person is harmless banter to another. I've encountered similar comments from attached men, and when its said in the guise of a joke in a social situation, you are rather limited in your reply otherwise you could end up "making a scene" or "not being able to take a joke"

There is a colleague of my partners who makes my skin crawl. I am polite yet not overly friendly with him when we meet, as it would be very embarassing for my partner if I let it be known what I think. At work parties or whatever if I'm dragged out to dance by him I usually "need the toilet/a drink" after one song. With innuendo, I let it go over my head, or just not respond in kind. If I had been in your situation I would have said something like "its a bit of a squeeze here, let me move my chair to give you more room" drawing attention to the fact he was squished up against you.

You made a joke about another woman sitting on his lap, so why was it uncomfortable when it was turned back on you? Do you not think it was equally uncomfortable for that woman when you said it? All you had to reply to him was a breezy "Thanks, but no. There is only one mans lap I'll be sitting on tonight, maybe your wife will"

Now, having said all of that, I do think that Mr.X was annoyed the next morning and that might have rubbed off on your partner. I would guess that when they got back to the hotel room Mrs. X tore strips off him for his creepy behaviour and for embarassing you, hence his reserved demeanor the following morning.

I also think that your partner is seizing on this as an excuse to end your relationship, and that he may have intended to do it for a while but maybe wanting to wait until after Christmas or whatever. For a man to walk out on his long term partner and child over something so trivial is nonsense. So my guess is that he had a break up planned prior to this and its a convenient way to blame it on you, instead of being the bad guy breaking up a family.

But dont take the blame for this. You didnt do anything wrong- you may have handled it clumsily, but you were not wrong - you are entitled to react whatever way you want if somebody is making you uncomfortable.

thehills

Thanks Neyite for your views. i really wish i had thought of your suggestion "If I had been in your situation I would have said something like "its a bit of a squeeze here, let me move my chair to give you more room" drawing attention to the fact he was squished up against you. ". I feel socially inept at dealing with this type of situation as It rarely happened.

"You made a joke about another woman sitting on his lap, so why was it uncomfortable when it was turned back on you? "
t became uncomfortable when Mr X added the 'pop up' bit. And yes in hindsight I didnt think about how the lady would feel. She has known him for many many years more than I have and not sounding ageist, shes in her 70s. As i've said before, I spoke before I thought.

As for planning breaking up, I dont know because all day Sunday he told me he loved me and we really enjoyed our time together before collecting our child from the babysitter.

twiggy86

The 'pop up' comment made my skin crawl & I can understand it making you uncomfortable, it would certainly make me feel like that. I'm also shocked that your boyfriend didn't believe you a number of times now about this man's behavior, personally if I told my boyfriend that something like this happened I know that he would A) believe me and take steps to ensure that I would never be put in a situation where this man would make me to feel uncomfortable again. I'm not suggesting he cut business ties with this man but it could be as simple as running an interference when he saw you alone with him!!

Frankly if my boyfriend didn't believe me I'd be asking serious questions about our relationship myself. I know you have been together a very long time & have a child together but I strongly believe that you should be your partners number 1 priority. He'll calm down eventually & may want to make amends with you but I would strongly recommend discussing this with him first.

Czarcasm

Personally I think OP you're far better off to distance yourself from a situation where your boyfriend is sucking up to Mr. X and disregarding your feelings, and using a pretty pìss poor excuse to break up with you so he can minimise the risk of you endangering his business dealings.

Your boyfriend can always find new business opportunities, but what he won't always find is a girl who would be willing to submit herself to being sleazeballed just so he can keep his customers happy.

You were put in an uncomfortable and awkward situation and having tried to explain it to your boyfriend, he saw red with Mr. X at first, instinctive reaction really, but then to come back to you later and make like you had instigated the situation somehow?

That clearly isn't on, and you shouldn't have to put up with it if that's how your boyfriend conducts his business by sacrificing his family. He clearly has his priorities all mixed up.