No chance to choose!

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 20 months now. We get on really well and I am mad about him. But in the last week or so I've been feeling ill, without going into details I think I could be pregnant, I obviously told him, well he actually suggested it!

Anyway, we were discussing what we are going to do (I'm 25, he's 29, he's working, I'm doing a postgrad, we're both in England but not living together, we're a good bit a part over here so only see each other every 3 weeks, we've no family over here, I have no income, his isn't steady) - and he basically said he doesn't want it, end of discussion! I said God it's like I've no say in the matter and he said, nope, none!

Now I'm not stupid, I understand that we couldn't have a child at the moment (don't want to hear a word from anti-choice people please, that's not what this is about), but I would like to have had the chance to talk things through, there are other options to what he is suggesting, and for him to remotely understand how upsetting and hard that it would be for me! I don't even know if I am, but it's really shocked me the way he basically said, it's his way or the high way! How is that remotely fair?

I guess what I'm asking is, am I overreacting, I mean I know what he's saying is right for us, it's what I think we should do too, I guess I'm just hurt that he was so blunt about it and said that he didn't want it and made me feel that I'd lose him if I chose different to him!

Mervenut

Nochoices wrote: »

Hi there,

I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 20 months now. We get on really well and I am mad about him. But in the last week or so I've been feeling ill, without going into details I think I could be pregnant, I obviously told him, well he actually suggested it!

Anyway, we were discussing what we are going to do (I'm 25, he's 29, he's working, I'm doing a postgrad, we're both in England but not living together, we're a good bit a part over here so only see each other every 3 weeks, we've no family over here, I have no income, his isn't steady) - and he basically said he doesn't want it, end of discussion! I said God it's like I've no say in the matter and he said, nope, none!

Now I'm not stupid, I understand that we couldn't have a child at the moment (don't want to hear a word from anti-choice people please, that's not what this is about), but I would like to have had the chance to talk things through, there are other options to what he is suggesting, and for him to remotely understand how upsetting and hard that it would be for me! I don't even know if I am, but it's really shocked me the way he basically said, it's his way or the high way! How is that remotely fair?

I guess what I'm asking is, am I overreacting, I mean I know what he's saying is right for us, it's what I think we should do too, I guess I'm just hurt that he was so blunt about it and said that he didn't want it and made me feel that I'd lose him if I chose different to him!

Firstly, have u taken a test? It could be something else! Once you are sure then you can begin to look at options. I'm afraid that either way the relationship is probably in big trouble as he has not reacted well to the situation.

Whatever happens, all the best OP.

judgefudge

Tricky situation. He should have been more considerate of the fact that it's a joint decision and your feelings count too. Maybe he is just really freaked out? Have you spoken to him since?

I don't really think there is any sense in worrying yourself over this until you find out for sure.

mylittlepony

Agreed with first poster get test first could be anything first thing tomorrow.
The way he reacted its not good or maybe just really bad timing.

Tasden

While he went the wrong way about it by basically telling you that you've no choice maybe he felt he was being fair because he knew he would not be willing to support you if you were to go ahead with it- financially or otherwise, ie you're not having it but if you decide to then its of your own accord without his consent and therefore without his support. Completely backwards but just offering another point of view.
Hope things work out for you.

username123

Ultimately he has zero control over this, if you are pregnant and you decide to have it, you can pursue him for maintenance regardless of what he wants. Id say that that lack of control over the situation has had a lot to do with his reaction. He knows he has no control so he has attempted to escalate immediately to get you to do what he wants. Its a bad reaction.

First of all, take a test. Second of all, its best to have some kind of plan in place with someone you are having sex with regularly just in case. Even just so you have an idea of how they will react.

I agree the relationship is probably doomed now because you cant really come back from "my way or the highway" and if thats what he is like when you dont even know if you are pregnant, what would he be like about other serious life issues?

bakergirl91

Nochoices wrote: »

Hi there,

I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 20 months now. We get on really well and I am mad about him. But in the last week or so I've been feeling ill, without going into details I think I could be pregnant, I obviously told him, well he actually suggested it!

Anyway, we were discussing what we are going to do (I'm 25, he's 29, he's working, I'm doing a postgrad, we're both in England but not living together, we're a good bit a part over here so only see each other every 3 weeks, we've no family over here, I have no income, his isn't steady) - and he basically said he doesn't want it, end of discussion! I said God it's like I've no say in the matter and he said, nope, none!

Now I'm not stupid, I understand that we couldn't have a child at the moment (don't want to hear a word from anti-choice people please, that's not what this is about), but I would like to have had the chance to talk things through, there are other options to what he is suggesting, and for him to remotely understand how upsetting and hard that it would be for me! I don't even know if I am, but it's really shocked me the way he basically said, it's his way or the high way! How is that remotely fair?

I guess what I'm asking is, am I overreacting, I mean I know what he's saying is right for us, it's what I think we should do too, I guess I'm just hurt that he was so blunt about it and said that he didn't want it and made me feel that I'd lose him if I chose different to him!

Personally regardless of the outcome id be strongy rethinking my relationship with someone like that. Its a 50/50 decision. Yes he has right to input however he does not have the right to dictate. In no way can he decide that you are to have an abortion. How could he decide that knowng what you would have to go through unless you said its what you wanted! Op your not over reacting. The very best of luck with what ever happens ! :-)

RubyWoo83

I'm pro-choice in case you think this is an anti-abortion line of thinking.

Right now I would be thinking less about your relationship and your boyfriends attitude. The decision you make now you will live with forever and to be honest you don't sound 100% certain that it's what you want to do. The regret of doing something like this when you don't really want you could eat you up for the rest of your life. I've seen first hand what it has done to a friend of mine, 10 years later it is never far from her mind.

If you are certain it's the right thing for you then by all means go ahead but in reality and as unfair as it may seem, it's not really your boyfriends decision.

Honey-ec

bakergirl91 wrote: »

In no way can he decide that you are to have an abortion.

In fairness, I don't think he was "deciding" that she had to have an abortion, he was telling her in no uncertain terms that if she is pregnant and chooses to go through with it, that he will have no part of it. And that's his choice, as blunt as it may seem.

Yes, he can be forced to pay maintenance if that's the path the OP chooses to go down, but nobody can be forced to be a parent, and rightly so, imo.

OP, as others have said, the first thing to do is find out if you really are pregnant. If you're not, great. Then you can decide whether your boyfriend's initial reaction has changed the way you feel about him. Personally, I don't think the relationship is doomed just because his gut reflex was "I don't want this baby." But it's something you both need to do a lot of talking about.

Carriexx

No, your not over-reacting!

homemadecider

I think you do have the right to choose what to do.

He has made his choice too (as is his right) - he does not want to be a father, so if you go ahead and have the baby you will be on your own. Isn't it better he is up front about this now rather than a year down the line?

At least now you can make your decision with your eyes wide open.

CaraMay

Do a test and see if you are pregnant. What's the point worrying about something that may not be happening.

As an aside, it's your call re the baby. I would not let somebody force me into an abortion as it would be the end of the relationship for me on the basis of that alone (meaning being forced to do something).

judgefudge

I don't think the OP is hurt because of his choice. I'd say it's more the manner in which he said it. To have such a problematic situation land at both of your feet is horrible. But for him to basically issue an ultimatum before you have had time to really absorb the idea. Being unwilling to listen to the other partners side of things before laying down the law is a bit tough to handle I'd imagine. The least he could have done was discuss the options, I'm sure his decision would have been the same ultimately but it would have felt like an informed, mutual decision. Rather than "have an abortion or that's it".

Merkin

I think first and foremost you need to do a test and find out if you are actually pregnant.

I also think that while his delivery left a lot to be desired, your boyfriend was making it brutally clear in no uncertain terms that he does not want to father a baby at this time. He is entitled to his opinion and wishes. As are you. So while he has expressly said he does not want to be part of it, it is still ultimately up to you (if you are pregnant) whether you want to go through with the pregnancy or not. At least you know now what his intended level of involvement would be.

As such, if you're not pregnant and you don't want to be a single parent and you do want to continue a relationship with this guy, then it is probably a good idea for you both to revise your level of contraceptive protection so you can do you utmost to prevent this happening again.

LegacyUser

Loving couples discuss fundamental relationships issues together, not dictate to each other

dannyc31

hmmm. i'd wonder about his level of commitment and love for you to actually seriously continue on this relationship. from my experience if a man is head over heals in love with his partner he will at least think about the idea of going through with it. that is, he may feel the timing is bloody awful but deep down feels he would of loved the idea of having kids with you one day anyway so lets just roll with it.

the fact that his reaction was so far the other way really didnt show any consideration for your feelings or needs even if it is the biggest game changer of any relationship.

so i would ask you, do you honestly see this man being the father of your future children? do you see each other getting married in the near future? are you really sure he is in the same place that you are in regards this relationship?

as others have said, the main thing is to find out if you are actually preganant or not. then its time to assess your relationship with your partner imo.

username123

dannyc31 wrote: »

hmmm. i'd wonder about his level of commitment and love for you to actually seriously continue on this relationship. from my experience if a man is head over heals in love with his partner he will at least think about the idea of going through with it. that is, he may feel the timing is bloody awful but deep down feels he would of loved the idea of having kids with you one day anyway so lets just roll with it.

Maybe he doesnt want kids at all? Now or in the future?

Mervenut

username123 wrote: »

Maybe he doesnt want kids at all? Now or in the future?

If so he should get the snip and he won't have to worry about it!

But, back on topic, OP, you really need to take a test and find out, it takes a few minutes and will put your mind at rest one way or another!