Not sure what to think

LegacyUser

A piece of advice that I see regularly on this forum is that if a guy is interested in a girl, he will always make the effort to get in contact and keep in touch.

Well I've been seeing a guy for about 2 months and, at the start, he did make the effort, getting in contact with me to arrange dates. As I got to know him better I pitched in as well and it would have been pretty much 50/50 on who texted first, decided where to go for a date, etc.

Lately I feel he's not really making much effort. We met a few days after Christmas (he invited me over to his) and I haven't heard from him since then. Now I'm fairly confident that if I texted him now and asked did he want to meet this week, he would and we'd go out and have a great time. But should his lack of effort be bothering me? In any other dating relationships I've had, a guy has never let it go more than a few days without some form of contact.

I would just ask him about this but I feel like that might be a bad move, might not come across too well.

Thanks for any opinions.

judgefudge

If the level of effort has trailed off from his side I would usually take that as a bad sign to be honest. I've been in that position, I guess most people have at some stage.

The best thing I've found is to just ask him if something is up. Who cares how it looks? He's not going to think you're crazy or clingy because you ask him if he's still interested. And if he does he's an eijit. At least you'll have your answer

dorkacle

I don't know what to tell you really, except:

I know I have done the same (I'm a bloke) and it wasn't because I'm not interested or don't like the girl, it was just because I personally didn't have loads of free time at the time, and having been in a long term relationship prior to that I just was not interested in another one right then.

So while I liked the girl and all I didn't want to be leading her on and wanted to just keep it friendly for the time being. Should have probably said something and let her know, because she stopped texting me and all after a while ha!

It depends how much YOU are into him so I suppose my best advice would be to just text as you feel an if he texts more great! Just enjoy it, you owe each other nothing. Then maybe bring up the idea of a relationship an stuff when the time suits. I wouldn't bring it up now as like I said you don't really owe each other anything and it could go down badly.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I agree with other poster, it doesn't look good when he goes a couple of days without contact. Yes, from experiences, guys do keep check in if they are interested in getting to know you more. You have been dating for 2 months. At this stage, people would know if they want to continue dating or not, maybe he can't tell you but by disappearing and hope you get the message. If I was you, I wouldn't waste my time sitting there wondering. I would text him, ask him if he is ok, if he is still interested in going on dates and getting to know each other more. Straight to the point then you can decide. I have been dating my boyfriend now for 4 months and after first 2 months he asked me to be his girlfriend and we would talk everyday and he told me as a man he went on dates with girls before and after max a month he knew if he wanted a relationship with that person or not, after two months, both parties should know where they stand unless you are dating a time waster, just my opinion.

Lorna123

I would definitely think that something is wrong if you have not heard from him since a few days after Christmas. That would not be normal behaviour from someone who was into you.

So he either isn't into you as much as you are into him or something else has been going on in his life. He should be letting you know though.

I think I would wait this one out. Don't contact him and see what happens. If this goes on and you haven't heard from him for 3 weeks then I think you have your answer without having to discuss it with him. So be prepared for him wanting to finish with you because that is what it looks like from here. I wouldn't have the patience for this, he either wants a relationship with you or he doesn't.

You could contact him and have it out with him but I feel that you waiting this out and saying nothing is more effective in the long run. The writing is on the wall that he is backing off so try to accept this and move on.

I have been in these situations myself over the years when I was dating and looking back in hindsight I think it is better to say nothing. Discussions won't change what is happening. You know in your heart what is happening so you don't need him to tell you. You will feel so much better if you just say nothing and distance yourself from him. He will have more respect for you too.

I wouldn't be bothered asking him what the story is, his actions speak louder than any words he might use.

ibarelycare

How do you know he's not thinking the same thing about you? I take it you haven't been in touch in that time either. He invited you over to his place, maybe he's waiting for you to initiate the next date/meet-up. I personally think that's silly if that's the case, if you like someone it shouldn't be about whose turn it is to be in touch. But you shouldn't be sitting around waiting for him to get in touch. Ring him and ask him out again. That's the only way you're going to know if he's still interested.

dannyc31

I would definitely think that something is wrong if you have not heard from him since a few days after Christmas. That would not be normal behaviour from someone who was into you.

So he either isn't into you as much as you are into him or something else has been going on in his life. He should be letting you know though.

I think I would wait this one out. Don't contact him and see what happens. If this goes on and you haven't heard from him for 3 weeks then I think you have your answer without having to discuss it with him. So be prepared for him wanting to finish with you because that is what it looks like from here. I wouldn't have the patience for this, he either wants a relationship with you or he doesn't.

You could contact him and have it out with him but I feel that you waiting this out and saying nothing is more effective in the long run. The writing is on the wall that he is backing off so try to accept this and move on.

I have been in these situations myself over the years when I was dating and looking back in hindsight I think it is better to say nothing. Discussions won't change what is happening. You know in your heart what is happening so you don't need him to tell you. You will feel so much better if you just say nothing and distance yourself from him. He will have more respect for you too.

I wouldn't be bothered asking him what the story is, his actions speak louder than any words he might use.

i would agree with this. often this is just how us men try to deal with big emotional situations i.e. avoidance. he was probably out alot with his mates over the christmas and just realised he just is'nt into having a full blown relationship right now but cant build up the courage to sit down and talk to you. so he is hoping by ignoring the issue it will just go away.

imo this is the problem with texting in a relationship. especially in the early stages. for the ladies such as yourself i would say, always try get phone conversation going on a regular basis with your partner. it doesnt have to be for very long as men are as we know not into talking on the phone in the same way as women but 10 mins here 15mins there will at least keep the contact up. then it would be less of an issue ringing him up rather than sitting there staring at the phone wondering why no text is coming in.

on the other hand as lorna said something major could of happened to him over the christmas so i wouldnt jump down his neck just yet until you get the facts but my gut would say he is going to be a lost cause sorry.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

Well I texted him tonight anyway and he said he's been busy and said he'd have more free time next week and would like to see me then. So I guess I'll just wait and see if he gets in touch next week then, I can do that. I get what people are saying about it not looking too good though, so I'm not getting my hopes up. It'll just have to be a let's see what happens thing now. But I'll make sure I don't waste too much time on him, easier said than done.

Bleh, why do guys bullsh*t? I've heard all sorts of talk about going away together, meeting his family, blah blah blah. I get that people can change their mind but I would never say those kinds of things unless I was sure about someone. Need to learn to take things with a pinch of salt.

dannyc31

Bleh, why do guys bullsh*t? I've heard all sorts of talk about going away together, meeting his family, blah blah blah. I get that people can change their mind but I would never say those kinds of things unless I was sure about someone. Need to learn to take things with a pinch of salt.

yes especially where us men are concerned. generally men will tend to say what they think you want to hear to get what they want which is usually sex lets be honest. it doesnt have to have emotion behind it to say all that stuff, so its alot easier for us men to say things like "love to meet your family", "travel away together" blah because its just words to us and not feelings as would be the case with most women. i am generalizing here i'm sure this is not always the case

anyway, "i was busy", does sound like another fob off. i'm wondering how you worded your text because the tone could of been picked up by him as you giving him **** for not being in contact and so he was hardly gonna text back, the truth is i'm not that interested. i dont really buy that excuse anyway as if he was mad about you, he would of text you over the christmas saying something like "hi, sorry if i'm not in contact that much over the next while i've alot going on but will get back to you as soon as i'm freed up and we can arrange to go out".

anyway either way, best of luck next week

LegacyUser

dannyc31 wrote: »

yes especially where us men are concerned. generally men will tend to say what they think you want to hear to get what they want which is usually sex lets be honest. it doesnt have to have emotion behind it to say all that stuff, so its alot easier for us men to say things like "love to meet your family", "travel away together" blah because its just words to us and not feelings as would be the case with most women. i am generalizing here i'm sure this is not always the case

anyway, "i was busy", does sound like another fob off. i'm wondering how you worded your text because the tone could of been picked up by him as you giving him **** for not being in contact and so he was hardly gonna text back, the truth is i'm not that interested. i dont really buy that excuse anyway as if he was mad about you, he would of text you over the christmas saying something like "hi, sorry if i'm not in contact that much over the next while i've alot going on but will get back to you as soon as i'm freed up and we can arrange to go out".

anyway either way, best of luck next week

Thanks

I was friendly in the text, as was he. I get the impression that he'll go along with this for a while if I keep it up but he's not actually that bothered. If I do see him next week I'll make sure I won't leave still unsure about what's going on. It's hard not to get my hopes up cos I do like him quite a lot but if he's not into it, there's no point.

Lorna123

You are not really getting anywhere contacting him, because he is still wishy washy and all you are doing is prolonging all of this. You are now thinking that had you not texted him you would not be meeting up with him and you are right, so you are no further on.

So you meet up with him next week and ask him where you stand and if he doesn't have the courage to tell you he will fob you off further. If I were you I would say absolutely nothing to him about the relationship and to be quite honest with you I would probably text him at the last minute and say that you are busy and would the following week be okay with him. Treat him at his own game, or just drop him altogether. You haven't seen him since Christmas and instead of making a date for the weekend he tells you that next week would be okay with him, I mean what the hell !!!!

CaraMay

I agree with lorna. You are no further on as he didn't even want to pin you down for a date before next week. I wouldn't want to meet him under these circumstances as he is not that pushed. Sorry op

Ah_Yeah

Lorna123 wrote: »

If I were you I would say absolutely nothing to him about the relationship and to be quite honest with you I would probably text him at the last minute and say that you are busy and would the following week be okay with him. Treat him at his own game, or just drop him altogether.

I disagree completely with the above. I absolutely do not see the point in playing games in a relationship, it's doing no one any favours. If he isn't interested in you, then you're only dragging out the process (and torturing yourself too) and allowing him to continue to avoid you.

I would echo what other posters are saying though about it not looking good. If a guy is comfortable to go a few weeks without contacting you, my opinion would be that not only is he not interested, but also why would you settle for that behaviour?

My advice would be to just leave things as they are for now, and if you too go out next week, then just be straight with him. Ask him where you stand because the longer you sit in limbo, the more torture you'll put yourself through overthinking things. You deserve to be treated well, so accept nothing less.

Holsten

Yeah forget any game playing at all.

Just straight up ask him!

90% of relationship problems can be sorted by communication!

LegacyUser

Lorna123 wrote: »

You are not really getting anywhere contacting him, because he is still wishy washy and all you are doing is prolonging all of this. You are now thinking that had you not texted him you would not be meeting up with him and you are right, so you are no further on.

So you meet up with him next week and ask him where you stand and if he doesn't have the courage to tell you he will fob you off further. If I were you I would say absolutely nothing to him about the relationship and to be quite honest with you I would probably text him at the last minute and say that you are busy and would the following week be okay with him. Treat him at his own game, or just drop him altogether. You haven't seen him since Christmas and instead of making a date for the weekend he tells you that next week would be okay with him, I mean what the hell !!!!

This is a little dramatic, I definitely won't be playing games like that anyway, thanks He works weekends, always has, we've always met up on weekdays.

I would echo what other posters are saying though about it not looking good. If a guy is comfortable to go a few weeks without contacting you, my opinion would be that not only is he not interested, but also why would you settle for that behaviour?

My advice would be to just leave things as they are for now, and if you too go out next week, then just be straight with him. Ask him where you stand because the longer you sit in limbo, the more torture you'll put yourself through overthinking things. You deserve to be treated well, so accept nothing less.

Thank you. Yeah, I get that it looks bad that he didn't contact for a while. But then, neither did I. Originally I was just questioning the fact that people always say that the guy will keep the contact going. I see no harm in meeting him again and trying to suss out what the story is. I don't think I'll be doing myself a disservice by doing that.

Ah_Yeah

Unreg55 OP wrote: »

Thank you. Yeah, I get that it looks bad that he didn't contact for a while. But then, neither did I. Originally I was just questioning the fact that people always say that the guy will keep the contact going. I see no harm in meeting him again and trying to suss out what the story is. I don't think I'll be doing myself a disservice by doing that.

Oh I would 100% agree that you go see him next week. But you do need to make sure you are being treated right, it's very easy once you meet up to forget the not so nice things that went on when you are out and having fun. Just be wide about it, is all.

Enjoy and good luck