Worried Sister

Kalocinatir

I'm the eldest girl in my family and am particularly close to my sister who just turned 17. She was always a 'difficult' kid and got up to a fair bit of mischief as a young teenager. In the last couple of years, it's as if she's magically seen the light and copped on a bit. Hallelujah, or so I thought.

Recently, she told me of an event in her past that explains the sudden change in her behaviour. I was shocked to hear that when she was about 14/15, she was sexually assaulted by a boy two years older than her. He forced her to perform oral sex on him and when she tried to resist, run away or get up he would pull her hair, scream at her, threaten her and hit her. I felt so shocked and angry that I wanted to report this boy but my sister told me she didn't and still doesn't want "anything to come from it". I respected her wishes and didn't tell our parents or our older brother. I encouraged her to tell them but she insists they'll treat her differently. I decided I couldn't tell them for her, but asked her about it once in a while.

This last week, she was out and saw that boy in town. He winked at her as she walked by and later on she told me after that she felt scared. She sees him on the bus, on the street and up until recently she had to deal with seeing him in school every week. When I saw how upset she was from him winking at her, I decided enough was enough. I messaged this boy on a social networking site and told him to stay away from my sister. I told him that only a disgusting person could do what he did to her and that she will never trust anyone fully again thanks to him. I told him I knew what he was really like and that he is not to look at her, get on her bus, walk down the same side of the street as her again or I would report him to the police. I just wanted him to stop harrassing her so she could get on with her life.

However, five minutes later, he replied to me denying everything, telling me to "get my facts right" and then messaged my sister. I don't know what he said to her, but she now isn't talking to me and I'm worried that he might have threatened her. I'll never know. I don't know what to do now. I fear I might have made things worse by provoking him to message her but I know that he can't get away with what he did.

I apologise for the long post, but it's a very complicated issue. I really don't know what to do now. I'm sure she'll talk to me again eventually but I don't know if I can let this be as it is, or if I should. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Esoteric_

It really is a tough one, OP.

I've been in your sister's position and honestly, if somebody messaged the guy who hurt me, I'd cut contact with them completely. I know that sounds really harsh but you have to think of it this way.

She was violated, humiliated and disrespected. She NEEDS her wishes respected because they weren't respected when he was assaulting her. By going behind her back to talk to him, you've taken away the 'control' she may have felt in the situation. Even though she was scared of him, she knew what was what, had her own coping mechanisms and now, it's all been brought back to the forefront of her mind. Does that make sense at all?

That said, I completely understand why you did it. She's your little sister and you want to protect her and make sure that scumbag never hurts her again. It's commendable, it really is.

Give her time. Do NOT contact this man again, please. In a few days, approach your sister and explain your reasons for messaging that man. Hopefully once she's calmed down a little, she will forgive you.

Just remember, she's been through something horribly traumatic and it may have brought back a lot of the fear and worry she felt. Give her time and I'm sure she'll come back to you. Best of luck, OP.

tony81

I know you were upset but I think you approached it wrong.

There's often two sides to a story. Are you 100% sure she told you the whole truth?

Second, you could be bringing a lot of trouble your sister's way, or at least that's what she's afraid of.

I don't think you were right to send that message. She was obviously looking support not someone to fight her battles. It was a betrayal of trust what you did.

I think you should apologise and tell her you want to be able to support her in future, including if she wants to report what happened to the gardai.

Kalocinatir

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate it.

I obviously wasn't there when this happened but I know my sister wouldn't lie to me about something like that. It had crossed my mind before that of course there are two sides to things, but the fact that he hit her and was pulling her hair indicates that it wasn't consensual.

I'm like a mother to her and it killed me to see her in so much pain. I hate that I've hurt her and can understand her perspective more, thanks to your invaluable insights. However, I don't know if I would take it back if I could; I wanted this has given him a taste of his own medicine. I hope he'll leave her alone now and that she can forgive me in time.

Thanks again for the replies, it's been an eye-opener and I'm very sorry if either of you have experienced this kind of thing first hand.

P. Breathnach

Kalocinatir wrote: »

.... However, I don't know if I would take it back if I could; I wanted this has given him a taste of his own medicine....

I don't want to sound harsh in addressing you when you have been through so much pain but I think you have managed to put your needs ahead of your sister's, even though she is the one whose life has been badly affected by this man. What's the value of your little bit of vengeance in comparison to what your sister has been through, and is still going through?

She trusted you, and you betrayed that trust. It will probably take her a long time to forgive you. If and when that happens, remember that the best thing you can do for her is help her to make good decisions and take charge of her own life - and not take over her right to manage her business.

I have some sympathy for you, because you were motivated by concern for your sister; I have more sympathy for her because of what she has been through, including your mishandling of matters.

WumBuster

I dont know if this is the right advice but I would try everything possible to get your sister to save any messages or texts received from this guy, as he is obviously still in contact with her and threatening her into silence.

Here's what id do. I would make good on that promise and go down to your local garda station or make an appointment to see a guard(without your sister). Id explain the story and that he's been harrassing her but your sister is not ready to make a formal complaint against him at the minute. I would then ask for a guard to make a visit to his family home, warning him to stay away from her or not to make any further contact with her, through any medium. That should soften out the arrogant little ****e. Your sister need not know any of this for now. I dont know if it will work but thats what I would do, its worth a try surely? Good luck and I hope things work out.

Esoteric_

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I don't want to sound harsh in addressing you when you have been through so much pain but I think you have managed to put your needs ahead of your sister's, even though she is the one whose life has been badly affected by this man. What's the value of your little bit of vengeance in comparison to what your sister has been through, and is still going through?

Have to agree with this 100%.

As you haven't had it happen to you (to my knowledge!), you can't honestly understand the pain and trauma your sister has to deal with. I understand why you wanted to do it because I've had family who wanted to do the same and more to the man who hurt me, but by doing it, sure you got your vengeance, but you didn't really look out for her. You honestly probably brought everything crashing back in on top of her. I'm sorry to say it like that, because it's clear you love and care for her, but it's true. Giving him a piece of your mind came at a huge price, so maybe don't tell your sister that you're glad you did it. :-/

With regards to WumBuster's post, the police will not do anything without your sister's consent because she's 17. And by breaking her trust again in going to the police, I can guarantee that she would never forgive you. Everything that happens now has to be HER choice.

If you're struggling with it, call the Rape Crisis Center. They will give relatives support too, as far as I know.

Chucky the tree

WumBuster wrote: »

Here's what id do. I would make good on that promise and go down to your local garda station or make an appointment to see a guard(without your sister). Id explain the story and that he's been harrassing her but your sister is not ready to make a formal complaint against him at the minute. I would then ask for a guard to make a visit to his family home, warning him to stay away from her or not to make any further contact with her, through any medium. That should soften out the arrogant little ****e. Your sister need not know any of this for now. I dont know if it will work but thats what I would do, its worth a try surely? Good luck and I hope things work out.

This a terrible idea. Bad enough ignoring your sister wishes the first time but to do this would probably make it so that the sister never talked to the OP again.

Kalocinatir

I would be lying if I said that none of my actions were at least partially motivated by my own wishes. However, my main motivator was the fact that she has been getting anxiety attacks recently, and seeing him around makes it worse. What I care about most is my sister right now and I thought this might get him to stay away from her and give her some peace. It seems to have not worked right now as he got in contact with her but I hope he'll stay away in the long run.

I had something along these lines happen to me in the past when I was a young child and my parents took care of it. When I look back on that, I think it would be a bigger issue in my life today had it not been dealt with at the time. I understand she isn't a baby any more though.

Again, it's great to hear different perspectives on this, so thanks all

Whispered

She's very lucky to have you OP. Obviously what you did was done with the best of intentions. Maybe you could send your little sister a text or a message explaining that you're sorry, why you did it and let her know that you're still there for her when she feels she wants to contact you again.

Anger in these situations never helps though OP. You feeling angry does nothing for your sister. You need to put your own feelings aside and just be there for her to listen and comfort. And angry person isn't the most comforting person to be around.

Best of luck with your sister.

RossFixxxed

I wouldn't hesitate in going to the Gardaí to be honest. I know I haven't been in that situation, but he's allowed walk around with no repercussions. I'd be concerned for the next girl he goes for. He could do even worse. Now he knows he can get away with it, even have the nerve to rub it in.

I know her sister may hate her for it, but I would still do it. This situation could escalate badly. You need to ensure your sister has someone walking with her at night especially and make sure she is accounted for going about her day. I'm not being alarmist, but I've seen horrible things happen over the years (including the rape and murder of an old friend), and more often than not it came as no surprise. You leave a rabid dog wandering around your yard, you are going to get bitten.

Obviously try to talk to her during all this, don't just forge ahead, but as I said I would take action.

username123

I could be wrong but are you not legally required to report an abuse of a child to the guards now?

Its a terrible thing, whatever about what the law says you need to try and persuade your sister to speak to the guards about this. If the story is true this boy is an unreported rapist. You were absolutely wrong to contact him yourself imo, for a number of reasons.

Edited to add - I think you should go to the guards about this. Your sister is a minor. She was only 14/15 when this happened. I agree with the rabid dog analogy from the poster above. I have seen similar also.

RossFixxxed

There was some debate on another thread about whether you are actually legally obliged, my understanding was that you are. However, either way leaving a rapist of young girls on the loose is never a good idea is it? Nor is it the right thing to do in the long run.

tony81

RossFixxxed wrote: »

There was some debate on another thread about whether you are actually legally obliged, my understanding was that you are.

That may be categorised as applying a law retrospectively.. possibly one for legal discussion but not sure if it's relevant here.

Isolt

It seems from what you've said that your need to 'give him a taste of his own medicine' was more about making yourself feel better about what happened to your sister. I totally understand why, nobody can criticize you for wanting to do something. However, I would guess that you have done nothing to help her anxiety. If my sister did this to me I would feel that firstly I should have never told anybody and that taking that big step of speaking up was the wrong move. And secondly, that my sister very simply doesn't have a clue what I'm going through. Anybody with any idea what your sister is feeling would never have messaged that guy.

Give her all the space she needs. It was a huge step telling someone and now she is paying for it. I can't imagine how bad she might be feeling right now.

kat.mac

Being extremely protective of my own little sister, I'm completely horrified at the thoughts of what happened your sister. I would be violently angry at this guy. I agree with the posters that messaging him was the wrong thing to do - but understandable.

You need to focus on rebuilding your sister's trust in you now. That's the single most important thing here. I think you understand now that going against her wishes has shattered her trust after all it must have taken for her to tell you what happened. It could take a long time, but you must persevere until she trusts you again.

Then - you have to persuade her to talk to the Gardaí. This monster is a rapist, pure and simple, and is capable of doing the same again and he must be stopped. Again, this might take time, but it's the only thing to do - but IMO it can only be done on your sister's terms, when she is ready to speak up for herself.

dunno123

tony81 wrote: »

That may be categorised as applying a law retrospectively.. possibly one for legal discussion but not sure if it's relevant here.

The Act concerned relates to the time the information was passed. If the victim spoke about the offence after the Act was established(July 2012) then it is an offence not to report it to the Gardaí.
However there are exceptions to this including If the victim has stated that they do not want to report the offence to the Gardaí, then a person who has been informed of that fact has a defence under the Act.