Husband staying friends with girl he dated while on break

LegacyUser

Over a year ago i told my husband that i didn't want to be in our marriage anymore. I wasn't happy and had been receiving counselling to go through other areas of my family life that i resolved, but unfortunately at the end i felt i had married my husband for the wrong reasons. We separated and i moved out. SIX months later he was dating someone new. He let me know as a by the way but we live near each other and my family and friends have seen them together when they were dating. To be honest when i realised he was moving on i regretted my choice and decided i was wrong to walk away and asked him to try again which he did. We are back together and working things out but my husband is still seeing this girl socially. He said when he spoke to her about giving our marriage another go she said she would never stand in the way of a marriage healing and loved him as a friend also so they agreed to remain friends.

I feel disgusted by this, someone my husband slept with and he's still seeing her and doesn't feel there is anything wrong with that, it sickens me and i wonder can i trust him at all now. He told me that he feels i turned my back on him and it wasn't nice and he won't do that to her as he thinks she took care of him during our break and helped him manage his life better and encouraged him to get into things like playing football and getting up and out.

How do i show him that he can't be committed to our marriage when he's still seeing her???

jomc

Wow op, a lot of info but very little actual detail in your post.

Tbh it sounds like you're the unreasonable one here, you say you walked out on your marriage, doesn't seem like you tried to fix it and it seems you delivered your decision to your husband as final. Then your husband meets, what sounds like, a nice girl and you decide you want him back? What changed? Doesn't seem like anything changed but you used the commitment of marriage to break up his new relationship and pull him back to your old one.

Tbh it sounds completely to me that you could be too immature for marriage and also you asked your husband back out of sheer jealousy. In your title you say a break, but in your post you say you walked out on the marriage, you seem annoyed that six months later he found someone else, but you ended the relationship, you made him a free man. I don't think six months is a short time tbh

What do you think of the girl he dated? Do you know anything about her? Have you met her, or tried to see his point of view? It sounds like you treated him badly and someone else not only took care of him for the duration of your tantrum but also had the good grace to take a step back so you could both try at your marriage. If i were you i would genuinely look at the reasons you want the marriage to work and not consider the other girl in it, and i would be grateful that your husband met a girl who clearly does think of him as a friend and had a lot of respect for your marriage.

P.S. You can't stop him from being friends with anyone, just feel lucky he has a good friend there

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I'm afraid it does sound like you only got back with him because you found out he was moving on.

You weren't on a break. You had ended your marriage because you realised you had married your husband for the wrong reasons.

I think he must dearly love you to take you back after you walked out on him. I'm guessing nothing has changed (because these reasons you speak about are in the past, so will always remain the same), so he can never be sure that you won't walk out on him again. But he is willing to take the chance on you. You ask how can you trust him. He may ask how can he trust you?

You obviously have a lot going on. And I think rather than fixating on this girl, and their friendship you need to work on yourself. Figure out what is/was wrong. Figure out what you want. Figure out whether or not you truly love your husband and want to be with him.... Or figure out is it just that you don't want anyone else to be with him.

Marriage breakups are rarely simple. They are very complex with many issues and problems at play... You need to try figure it all out. Otherwise you are not being fair to him or yourself.

I have to agree with the other posters OP, it sounds like you're being unfair and unreasonable with him.

You left.

Someone came along, helped him move on, a bond formed, they started dating. There's no breach of trust there, he was free to do it. It's only natural to feel an undercurrent of jealousy, but it's you who should be doing the 'making up' for what's happened, not him. You should be pleased that he was prepared to drop his new interest in favour of repairing the marriage you walked out on. You were entitled to leave the marriage if you were unhappy, but he wasn't obligated to mourn after you for a year. He waited six months, that's long enough to be feeling rejected. He moved on. Now that you've got him back, you should be concentrating on your relationship, not his friendship with someone who was there for him when he needed someone. If they wanted to keep seeing each other they would have, but they've both decided there are more important things and you should try to match their maturity about the whole situation.

shalalala

Unlike the previous posters I think that he should cease contact with this woman.

Ok you broke up with him and then realised a mistake and asked for him back. But he agreed with you. He wants you back too. While you were apart he experienced someone new. Maybe developed feelings, maybe not, but he did sleep with her.

You have vows. Your relationship with your husband is the most important relationship in all of this. If he wants to give it a go then I think he needs to do what makes things easier for you.

I would be of the belief that you cannot be friends with anyone that you have slept with. I know not anyone thinks that way. But on top of that, maybe he does want to be just friends with this girl (which I find hard to believe) but what does she get from the relationship? It seems to me that she is waiting on the sidelines.

Difference Engine

I think your husband and the other girl have been quite mature and dignified in how they dealt with this. You do come across as a bit petty. That may not be entirely fair on you as I don't have all the details of the situation but that's how it appears.

You left and your husband accepted it and moved on with his life. Nothing untoward there. You decided you wanted to renew the relationship when you heard he met someone else. Sounds like more than a touch of jealousy and not the best reason to go back to him.

Your husband appears to be a decent guy and he did choose you over her. You should be happy you have him back. It will always be difficult to accept their friendship if you simply think of her as someone he slept with. Try to think of her as his friend. Would it be possible to get to know her? That might allay your fears.

You can't stop him being friends with anyone anyway and trying to will simply drive a wedge between you.

Sleepy

You reap what you sow.

Why not make the best of your actions. The other woman seems a very decent sort, why not try befriend her yourself and make her an "our friend" rather than a "his friend"?

The only other options are to either get over your jealousy of their friendship and continue the status quo or try banning him from seeing her, creating a them versus you scenario where he's more likely to consider your marriage not worth the effort and rekindle things with her.

BTW, six months is a perfectly respectable time-frame for someone to enter a new relationship. TBH, most people I know would consider the best way to get over someone to be to get on top of someone else: whether that's for a ONS, a fling or another relationship. In *very* general terms, women tend to wallow and lick their wounds after a relationship break-up whereas men tend to seek to get back on the horse and see what the dating scene has to offer them.

ManOfMystery

I feel the main issue here is not the girl, but the fact that you said you had married your husband for the wrong reasons.

What has changed 6 months on? You're still in the situation where you married him for the wrong reasons, so have your feelings toward him changed, or is it just a case of wanting what you couldn't have when you found out he was seeing someone else? I feel that's the single most important issue here in terms of how your marriage can survive longterm, and you have to be honest not just with him, but with yourself.

Does taking the girl out of the equation fix how you feel about your husband, and why you both broke up in the first place?

husband help wrote: »

I feel disgusted by this, someone my husband slept with and he's still seeing her and doesn't feel there is anything wrong with that, it sickens me and i wonder can i trust him at all now. He told me that he feels i turned my back on him and it wasn't nice and he won't do that to her as he thinks she took care of him during our break and helped him manage his life better and encouraged him to get into things like playing football and getting up and out

Don't let jealousy or insecurity overcome the reality of the situation here. Your husband was single - he was essentially your ex-husband at that point, and had no idea you were going to do a U-turn and come back to him. She was single. No-one was betraying anyone. And even when he told her he was leaving her to rekindle the marriage, she was extremely gracious about it. She sounds a very mature and level-headed woman who struck up a relationship with an unattached man, not some slapper who stole your husband. You are only making yourself look bad by holding onto some resentment towards her which has no real justification and is fueled by ego, especially seeing as you created the situation in the first place.

How do i show him that he can't be committed to our marriage when he's still seeing her???

Your husband gave up a seemingly happy new relationship to come back to the person who deserted him. That to me IS commitment to your marriage. It was you who didn't show the commitment by walking out on him, so I think you're really in no position to be demanding anything. Get over your jealousy, open your eyes to the fact that this woman is a perfectly nice individual who poses no threat to you, and start treating your husband more maturely.

dollypet

I agree with the above posters.

He was entitled to move on. 6 months or 6 days- it was his choice and he was entitled to do so. As long as there is no overlap its noones business- added to that it was your choice to leave.

As for him being friends with someone he slept with. It happens and it shows maturity. Plenty of people are friends with people they slepts with annd/or went out with in the past. New partners (or renewed partners) have to deal with it.

I think making an effort to be on friendly terms with this woman. Dont have to be "friends" but on friendly terms.

Also just make sure your not looking for a reason to finish it with your husband.

Merkin

I really don't think sour grapes is a good enough reason to want to have reconciled with your husband. You said you decided to leave him because you married him for the wrong reasons which fundamentally can't have changed.

To turn around and then say he's not committed to the marriage because he values this woman's friendship is unfortunately a bit rich. I'm sorry to appear harsh but are you sure there's not an element of projection here and your intention is to find fault? Have you questioned your own level of commitment?

As long as the friendship isn't intensely close or inappropriate then I would respect his wishes. I also think, as a matter of priority, that if you want the marriage to work this time then you really need to attend couples counselling together and establish whether the relationship can work and how you can both avoid a walk-out happening again.

P. Breathnach

husband help wrote: »

... He said when he spoke to her about giving our marriage another go she said she would never stand in the way of a marriage healing and loved him as a friend also so they agreed to remain friends....

What man would reject the friendship of such a woman?

She has made it clear that she is no threat to your marriage. Don't be petty.

LegacyUser

shalalala wrote: »

I would be of the belief that you cannot be friends with anyone that you have slept with. I know not anyone thinks that way. But on top of that, maybe he does want to be just friends with this girl (which I find hard to believe) but what does she get from the relationship? It seems to me that she is waiting on the sidelines.

Well I'm one of those people who thinks you can very much stay friends with some people you've slept. I'm still fairly good friends with one guy I dated and indeed am very good friends with his now wife. Some people are just better able to separate things when it comes to complicated personal relationships.

I also have personal experience of a situation just like the OP's. My father started dating another woman when he and my mother separated. I have to admit I was very childish [but I was a teen at the time] and refused to meet her at the time. My parents ended up getting back together and this woman did just walk away but still stayed friends with my dad. I know this because I spoke with her at my fathers funeral. As an adult now I was able to see how they both were able to walk away like they did. She wasn't 'waiting on the sidelines' at all. She made a connection with another human being and while a romantic relationship didn't work their friendship meant alot to both of them as they'd both been there for each other at an important junction in their lives. She got married and had kids of her own. I'm not going to stay in touch with her or anything of the sort as she had no relationship with me but I appreciated her coming and talking to me when she did. She also spoke to my mum who bore her no ill will but then my parents separation was a much more mutual choice. They were both very unhappy. Having kids kept them in contact and after a year what ever spark they had was back and they worked on their relationship then.

It sounds like OP you wanted out, got out but weren't happy to see your husband moving on. Might be time to take a really hard look at your relationship and make sure your back for the right reasons.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replys. My husband and i have discussed this issue a lot over the last few days and things are coming to a head. What i know of the other woman is that she is exceptionally beautiful, friends of mine have seen her and my husband has said so himself, that she was the kind of beautiful that you wouldn't expect to see walking down the street. I'm attractive but would not get any such high praise i know. My husband has also said she made him smile and laugh from the moment he saw her to the moment they parted, she was always there with a supportive word even when he lashed out at her through hurt from me, and i've heard from a few people that in general she was very good company, friendly, well spoken, intelligent etc.

I could get over all of this except for my husband told me after a lot of drinks last night that she was the best sex he has ever had. Im disgusted and freaked out by this and pretty devastated. Despite all this he still says he won't give her up, but surely at this stage he should???

And she has offered to meet up with us as a couple but i have said no way, i am absolutely not acknowledging this woman as anything in my life or my husbands life

daisybelle2008

Well you feel threatened by her that's technically understandable, however the fact you feel like that and your husband is not going to placate your insecurity too your satisfaction, you have a problem. To be honest even if he does drop her, he will resent you for making him drop her and you will still feel threatened by his history with her. Is your relationship really what both of you want or are you both forcing it to work for some reason?. You sound wrong for each other to be honest.

sherbett32

I get that that it's not easy for you OP that the this other woman is gorgeous, lovely, best sex ever etc. (what woman wouldn't feel a bit jealous).

However you've chosen to be together again. He must be right for you, really want you. You must be right for him, really want him, or else it won;t work. I think couples counselling with a big dollop of honesty on both sides is needed. Best of luck, hope all goes well.

shalalala

Again I am going to disagree with other posters.

This isn't going to work. He cannot have both you and her in his life. Especially after telling you such intimate and quite frankly shocking things about his sex life. That should never be said in a healthy relationship.

He cannot have his cake and eat it. He needs to choose whether or not he will get rid of her on the sidelines and commit to you fully again or if he really isn't that bothered about trying with you again.

demanufactured

You and your husband are not right together, We can all gather that from your story .
Best thing to do would be to seperate if you think you can't trust him,although it sounds like you have no reason not to.

Whatever about this woman, he came back to you so he obviously loves you .

Don't hold him back from being happy just because it doesn't suit you.

Calhoun

husband help wrote: »

I could get over all of this except for my husband told me after a lot of drinks last night that she was the best sex he has ever had. Im disgusted and freaked out by this and pretty devastated. Despite all this he still says he won't give her up, but surely at this stage he should???

And she has offered to meet up with us as a couple but i have said no way, i am absolutely not acknowledging this woman as anything in my life or my husbands life

Well being honest with you OP you have nothing to get over you as has already been said before on this thread you broke it off with him.

If i was to step back and look at what you posted from an outside view it looks like you are jealous because he (in your words) got someone better but it also looks potentially like hes trying to hurt you if the above (the sex bit) was volunteered and not dragged out of him.

The relationship doesnt seem to be healthy and i don't think either of you are trying to get together for the right reasons so i would recommend you let him get back to her and move on with your life.

LegacyUser

When I first read this thread I didn't bother replying because almost everyone said the same thing I was thinking, - that he hadn't done anything wrong, and that you were wrong for trying to force him to drop his friend who had been good to him.

However after your last post my few has changed somewhat. I still think that it's wrong to "not allow" a partner to be friends with an ex, but if when your husband is talking about this woman all he talks about is how extremely out of this world attractive she is, and how she's the "best sex" he ever had (seriously who the fcuk would say that to their wife) then it is as obvious as the day is long that he is deliberately trying to make you jealous and hurt you.

It makes me doubt that he is keeping in touch with this woman purely for genuine friendships sake, it seems more to me like he is using his "friendship" with her as a stick to beat you with, almost to get back at you in some way.

Fair enough you left him, but he chose to go back to you. So either he has forgiven you and wants to work on the marriage or he hasn't.
He can't have it both ways - getting his wife back but continuing to remind you how "good" the other woman was to him when you were such a bad person for leaving him, and how beautiful, intelligent and amazing in bed she is etc.

If he wants to remain in a purely platonic friendship with that woman I think that's ok, but he has no business whatsoever to be telling you (his wife) how attractive he finds her or how good she is in bed. That is completely disrespectful and is what makes me feel that he is just using this other poor woman purely to hurt you.

You admit you can be a jealous person and he is playing hugely on that weakness.

You got back with him for the wrong reasons, and he is actively trying to hurt you and make you pay for leaving him in the first place.
It just sounds like a completely toxic relationship to me, and I think that maybe you were right to leave in the first place.
Unless he is willing to be just normal friends with this woman, and unless he stops comparing you to her, I think you should leave again.
The marriage is never going to work if he keeps acting like a martyr and putting you on a guilt trip.

husband help

husband help wrote: »

I could get over all of this except for my husband told me after a lot of drinks last night that she was the best sex he has ever had.

And she has offered to meet up with us as a couple but i have said no way, i am absolutely not acknowledging this woman as anything in my life or my husbands life

It sounds like you're being unreasonable.

You'll always be trying to find something to blame on your husband. First you thought you could swing "he got over me too fast" around as a weapon to punish him with, and now you're saying you could totally get over that, but it's actually this new "he said sex with her was better than with me" that bothers you.

It was completely tactless of him to say what he did, but he was drunk and it's the least of your worries.

You're angry and jealous that he moved on. Now you want him to come crawling back begging for forgiveness, willing to prove that this other woman meant nothing. Except he hasn't done anything that needs forgiving, and she did mean something to him. You can't change that. Neither can he. You're trying to validate your anger by finding things to pin on him.

I've no business telling someone to give up on their marriage, but you need to make some serious changes to the way you're treating the relationship soon, because the current dynamic seems extremely unhealthy for both of you.

username123

Your marriage sounds very unhealthy.

You left your husband because you felt you married him for the wrong reasons. Then he met someone else and you didnt like that so you told him you changed your mind and he broke up from that to save his marriage. Now you are not happy that he still wants to be friends with this woman and he has told you that he wont give her up, she is gorgeous, and he has said she is the best sex he ever had.

Tbh it sounds like he is punishing you for what you put him through by leaving the marriage and then changing your mind when you saw him moving on. I dont understand what has changed, surely if you felt you married him for the wrong reasons - that hasnt changed?

Perhaps he is loathe to let this woman go out of his life because he is unsure of your next move? Maybe he doesnt trust you not to leave him again once the dust has settled?

Anyway, it sounds like you are both torturing each other. You cant leave someone and come back when they move on and break that up and then lay down the law and complain about them moving on etc.... It all sounds terribly unhealthy and dysfunctional and Id say both of you would be better off without each other because neither of you seem able to treat each other with the respect that is necessary to make a healthy and lasting marriage.

Difference Engine

You won't simply get over this if your husband stops seeing this woman. You are still going to know he was going out with a very attractive woman and that he said the sex was the best he had.

It will still play on your mind and I have no doubt it will dragged up during arguments. You need work through this properly, counselling etc., if you want to have any future with him. That feeling of jealousy won't disappear overnight just because he isn't talking to her anymore.

I don't think it will work out as you are there for all the wrong reasons. I hope you find happiness in the future but I don't think it is going to be where you are now.

Big Bag of Chips

OP I said it in my last reply, and I'll say it again. You need to be honest, very honest with yourself..

Your first post you were looking for people to agree that he's wrong, he started seeing her too soon, and that when you got back together he should have ended it with her. You were "disgusted" that he was insisting on remaining friends with her.

When you didn't get the validation you looked for, your argument changed. In the last few days things are coming to a head, and you can accept that he was with her but are "disgusted" that he has told you stuff about her.

Did you ask?
Have you been going on about her?
Have you been asking what attracted him to her, and why he wants to stay in touch?

I'm not getting at you, and I don't even want you to answer those questions on here. Just think about it.

Sometimes when people are hurt or betrayed, they almost torture themselves by pushing for every little detail..

Someone else mentioned earlier in the thread, and I think it's a valid point.. are you looking for a reason to get out? Have you gotten back with him, but realised that it's still not right? You left because you felt you married him for the wrong reasons.. Has anything changed there?

Is the real problem here that even after getting back together you still realise it's not right for you, and rather than accept that and leave- you are looking for someone else to blame?

Again - I don't expect you to answer any of these questions.. but think about them yourself, because whatever way you look at it, your marriage is in big trouble. And the only way to sort it out (one way or another) is to be completely honest with yourself.

CaraMay

Sounds like he wants to hurt you by saying stuff like that.

Dtp79

CaraMay wrote: »

Sounds like he wants to hurt you by saying stuff like that.

I agree. Maybe he's still hanging on to this girl just in case his jealous wife decides to destroy his life again in 6 months. And it probably makes him feel better getting the odd dig in about how great his girlfriend was

Payton

I agree with Big Bag Of Chips on this. What do you want from this?
You seem to be a needy person. I can only see this turning into a toxic situation, best to part now and remain friends. Your only hurting eachother.

GRMA

I find it hard to believe your husband just came up with the comment about sex out of the blue.

He was drunk firstly, and where you asking questions about her?

Even so the fact is that he left this seemingly fantastic beautiful woman to go back with someone who turned his life upside down and walked out on him, someone who seemingly only wants him back because she is jealous and who made a mistake marrying him in the first place



If he was my friend I would have told him to stay with his new girlfriend tbh

jomc

husband help wrote: »

And she has offered to meet up with us as a couple but i have said no way, i am absolutely not acknowledging this woman as anything in my life or my husbands life

Be janey op, this woman has given up her boyfriend, agreeing to friendship and offering to meet you to dampen the drama here!!! You're acting like she's some hussy in heat chasing your happily married husband. You walked out. You need to accept that and take responsibility for that. You can't pick up and put down your marriage vows when it suits you!!!!

Op please be realistic here, it definitely sounds to me and pretty much everyone, that you did not want to be with him, nothing changed except he found someone that you deem to be better, and you didn't like that. Why did he come back to you after what you had done? Perhaps he took his marriage vows a lot more seriously than you and you used that to get him back? Honestly thats the only answer i can come up with at the min.

If you don't want him, for whatever reasons then fair enough, but tell him, have an adult conversation about it and go your separate ways. But because you don't want him, you have no right to deny him being with someone else or to interfere with it, he is not your possession.

And tbh i think you should be going through further counselling by yourself before you enter into another relationship or even continue on with this one. You really need to look at the way you look at relationships and people because this way of treating people is really bizarre and extremely unhealthy for all involved

ABajaninCork

Sounds to me it's a case of 'I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to have him'.

I think, in your heart of hearts you know it's over. No matter how you justify it to yourself, you know let him come back for the wrong reasons. Perhaps you never loved him (sounds like it from your posts)? I don't know. But - let him go. Build a new life for yourself.

Perhaps some counselling to help you sort out your feelings?

Dtp79

OP did you and your husband come to any resolution yet?

Big Bag of Chips

Dtp79, warned for asking for an update from the OP.

If anyone is unfamiliar with the rules of Personal Issues and Relationship Issues, please make sure to read the Charter stickied at the top of the Forum before posting.

"I didn't know" is not a good enough argument!

Thanks,
Big Bag of Chips.

Katgurl

I think you have two choices - leave or sit down with your husband agree a timeframe to try to work things out and commit to counselling.

What you have on your hands right now is a mess. Maybe she is beautiful. But I have beautiful friends who I know are sexually confident etc and have never had a man to commit to them. There is loads more to this woman than you think, she has the same set of insecurities as anyone else. She is not perfect or better than you. If you knew her you'd see that.

I agree with the other posters. You left him and now you're obsessing over her. Without her what state would your marriage be in? Are you afraid to see and that's why you're assigning her such an important role?

As for your husband - I don't agree he is the victim he is being painted as here. He needs to decide who he is with and do whatever it takes to make it work. He can't be with you and manipulating you with such hurtful comments. He can't be her friend and being so nostalgic about their romance. He can't expect you to accept this behaviour. But your way of communicating with him is completely wrong, you sound full of vitriol and are not taking any responsibility for your part in all this.

I think the whole thing is going to take a LOT of work if there is any chance of repairing - its up to you if you want to proceed.

Good luck.