Mother problems

LegacyUser

Short story is i'm 32, i have a 5 yr old daughter. I live at home with my mother and her father is deceased. My mother constantly lectures me on how she's had to give up her life for me (she doesn't really do anything anyhow and it was always like that, not since i had my daughter) I always encourage her to go out more but she comes up with ridiculous reasons why she can't. I give her money constantly, yet she says i'm a user who takes everything including her life from her. She constantly lectures me on the error of my ways being such a tramp, wearing clothes that are too tight (skinny jeans) or too short (dresses above knees) or too low (below the collar bone) or a combo of all, being too drunk and disgusting (was drunk twice over the whole Christmas season) etc.

I had two nights out over Christmas where i put my daughter to bed, went out and was back about 6 in the morning when my mother was babysitting, even though my daughter was asleep the whole time. No return time was specified. Since these nights things have been unbearable. I've been 'grounded' for 4 months, i'm not allowed to have any visitors never mind babysitters into the house and i don't drive. I'm getting two or three times daily lectures on how disgusting me and my life is, how much of a horrible person and a user i am and how she has to take these measures so i can see how much of a disgrace and embarrassment i am. I feel like i'm at breaking point, i can't mentally take this anymore. I've said this to her but it just makes everything worse.

On the other hand she does help me a good bit with my daughter which i am grateful for, we get to live in a nice house in a decent area and my daughter is in the local school. She usually babysits when i'm working which is about 2 days a week. She has now decided i am not to be trusted to get the bus so is driving me to and from work.

I don't know what to expect from this thread, but i've spent the last while crying and needed to let it out. Whats the point of living like this at all

ABajaninCork

And you let her get away with this? Where is your backbone, OP??

She drives you to and from work as you 'can't be trusted to get the bus' Really? And she spends time in running you down as a person, telling you how disgusting you apparently are, etc., etc. Most of which is undoubtedly exaggerated. But I do agree that you should've told her what time you'd be back, when you went out, or at least called her to say you'd be running late. It's common courtesy, and you couldn't to that to a paid babysitter. They wouldn't sit for you again!

Do you pay keeps to your mother while living there?

Yes, it's great that she helps with your child, you get to live in a nice house, yada, yada. But at what cost?

Your mother behaves like this because you let her. Do you have siblings? Does she treat them in the same way??

I would straight up tell your mother that you are not a child and will take the bus thank you. If she criticises your dress - tell her it's none of her business. If she goes on about how disgusting you are, walk out and tell her you'll talk when she's calmed down. Groiunded - Please!!

And above all. MOVE OUT!!!

jomc

Personally i don't think staying out to 6 is unreasonable op, especially at Christmas, i presume you mother was asleep the whole time so did it really matter to her what time you got home? Or is this just she feels its an inappropriate time to get home.

It sounds to me like you've gotten a tough deal in life and your mother has taken advantage of you to run you down more. Is there anyone else in your family that you can talk to?

You sound very very low in your posts and seem to have a poor image of yourself, if your mother is saying these things a lot your daughter will notice it too and thats not healthy.

What would happen if you just said no to your mother, i'm not a disgrace or disgusting etc i'm a good person and my mother should know that

Btw what is it that you can't be trusted with regarding the bus?? I'm really puzzled with that one

looksee

I agree, get out! Why are you still at home? Surely independence and living your own life is worth moving to a possibly less attractive area?

If the house, and the bit of babysitting is worth all the hassle, then you just have to put up with it. You are in her house, she can make the rules. I don't mean that she has a right to be abusive to you, but you can leave. Do you really want her controlling your daughter? Can you be sure she will not impose her ideas about you on your daughter?

I do agree with the point about letting her know you would be out all night - she is looking after your child, you should have made it clear you were not going to be back. However, other than that, whatever it involves, if you want to live a reasonable life you have to get out!

skyfall2012

I think there might be a communication break down here and a lot of frustration building up.

From my own personal experience with my family support system, it is all about keeping them informed, so that they can make their own plans.

So did your Mom know that you were going to be out til 6am and that she would have to babysit the next day as well. If she did not, I can understand her frustration if this is a pattern with you. But often all it takes is letting them know that, ,yes you would like 2 days straight babysitting' if they don't mind.

And show your appreciation with flowers, making her a special meal, just make sure she doesn't feel like she is being taken for granted. This may go along way to resolving your problem.

Big Bag of Chips

If you want to stay living in a nice house in a nice area, you may just have to put up with this.

If it's too much to handle then you need to move out. Go to your local Community Welfare Officer and find out what entitlements you are eligible for.

To be fair, if you were out 2 nights until 6am, you were probably drunk/hungover/tired the following day and your mother also took care of your daughter that next day... Did you ask her to do this, or did you just assume she'd do it?

Everything else your mother does or says about you is disgusting...

You cannot continue to live there. She thinks you are a child and continues to treat you like one. The only way you can prove to her that you are a capable adult is by moving out and becoming independent of her.

It will be difficult, but it looks like you don't have a choice.

You are 2 adults living together.. you see yourself as an adult, she still thinks of you as her "child'. Frustrations are building on both sides.

RossFixxxed

Move out. Simple as. It isn't going to work. Go to community welfare officer or similar and see what you can get.

However, I don't think your mother is entirely to blame, and I think there are things you are not telling us. What is with the bus thing? WHY does she think you can't be trusted? Are you coasting into work late, letting this slide.

Are you ove relying on her? Are you actually dumping your daughter on her. Is she picking up a lot of pieces for you, cooking, cleaning, driving, baby sitting etc?

We have your side, we can't get her side, but I want the third side to this: the truth.

That said, what she is saying to you is not accetpable and kids pick up on these things a lot. It sounds like an unhealthy environment for all 3 of you. Again: move out, you are an adult.

Move out.

Ando's Saggy Bottom

The simple solution OP as others have said is to move out. However I suspect that part of you is too fond of the "plus side" of living there ie the nice area, nice house you allude to. You're in a trap here - you feel like you owe your Mum something for putting you up so you put up with her overbearing ways.

Which is more important to you- the nice house or your own sense of self worth? Your kid will start to pick up on the toxic relationship between you and your mam soon as she gets older. That's not good for a child.

Time to stand on your own two feet. Your mother wouldn't treat you like a child if you hadn't let her all along. Break the cycle.

Beruthiel

OP - you are a 32 year old woman still being treated like a child by your mother.
She does not see you as a grown, responsible adult.
Why is that?
Because you are still living under her roof and depending on her.
Until that changes, she will continue to treat you as she does.

Time for you to get a life.
Move out and stop relying on your mother for help.
Take responsibility for your own life and that of your daughters.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you need to do a few things. You need to become independent. You need to move out. You need to stop depending on your mother. As RossFixxed has said, we only have your version of things.

But you do say that your mother 'doesn't really do anything anyway', almost like you think, sure why wouldn't she look after your daughter, she has nothing better to do.

Going out 2 nights over Christmas until 6 in the morning when you are a single mother is unacceptable. Unless you had preagreed with your mother the arrangements. As someone else mentioned,you couldn't do that with a babysitter. It doesn't matter that your daughter was in bed all the time.. she probably woke up an hour or 2 after you came in... Did you get up/stay up to look after her all day? Or did your mam mind her, because she has 'nothing better to do' anyway?

I do think your mam is wrong on a lot of issues, but I don't think you are completely blameless.

You need to take an honest look at yourself. If you live at home, it's very easy to stay in the mother/daughter role. Your mam probably does a lot for you, simply because she's always done it. You provably allow her to do a lot for you, because it is a great help to you.

This situation will never resolve while you live at home. Your only option is to move out. You are 32, with a 5 year old daughter... Do you want to be 42 with a 15 year old and still have your mother driving you to work and 'grounding' you?

Edit: when you say 'grounded' do you mean your mother has said she won't mind your daughter for you? That's fair enough if you've been taking advantage. and she won't allow you to get a babysitter? It would be quite awkward for a babysitter to sit in the sitting room, with your mother there! And also, it's her house, so if she doesn't want people in that's her call. If you want a babysitter you're going to have to organise it somewhere else.