Dont know if I am attracted to Boyfriend anymore....

LegacyUser

Hi

I am 25 and have been going out with my boyfriend for 3 years. We don't live together but live close by and see each other about 3 times a week.

Although I love him very much, lately I have been questioning if I am still attracted to him, and even to what extent I was previously. He is a great looking guy, very very good looking but I just don't think I really feel any attraction to him when I see him anymore.

Also, I don't really feel like having sex with him anymore although I have tried a lot in this regard... nights away, trying new things etc. He gets very upset and feels rejected by the lack of sex, which makes me feel like I "have to" sometimes, and this makes it seems more of a chore than something that should be enjoyable. He has also been very eager to try new things and "fix" our sex life. I have been hoping that the urge to "want to" have sex with him will reappear but it doesn't seem to....

With other guys (before my boyfriend) I have felt very nervous and excited to be around them, and wanted to have sex with them. With my boyfriend this doesnt seem to happen, there doesnt seem to be that spark.

I do love him very much, and don't want to throw away the last three years and an amazing guy. However I worry we have become best friends, and that we both deserve to be with someone we feel passionately about. I would love some advice from people who have been in a similar situation, is there a way back from this??

cantdecide

I don't think you can have a relationship without there being some kind of romance. Even if you were 60, there has to be more but at 25, I just feel like something has to be wrong. If you're just not feeling it and you've tried and tried, it's not being fair to either of you to persist with it. It may break his heart but my advice is that if you've feel you've done enough to keep the flame alight and it just isn't there any more, it's pretty clear where it's going. It's not fair on you or him if one of you isn't satisfied with the relationship.

Lorna123

You could be expecting too much. Relationship excitement fizzles out to a certain extent after 3 years but if you ask yourself the question "Would I like to be without him" and the answer is "no" then hang on in there. Don't expect violins every time you meet up with him. Appreciate his good qualities and I think his effort at trying to spice up your love life is a good thing. If after several months of feeling like this then go for a break up and see how you feel then, although in my opinion you shouldn't need a break up to see how you feel. If you genuinely feel that this relationship has run its course, you could be right.

P. Breathnach

confused225 wrote: »

... I do love him very much, and don't want to throw away the last three years and an amazing guy...

There might be an element of throwing good money after bad if you stay in the relationship only because you have already invested so much in it.

On the other hand, I agree with this:

Lorna123 wrote: »

You could be expecting too much. Relationship excitement fizzles out to a certain extent after 3 years but if you ask yourself the question "Would I like to be without him" and the answer is "no" then hang on in there. Don't expect violins every time you meet up with him....

There is more to a solid loving relationship than excitement. I would worry, however, if sex is always a chore. But it might be a problem in your libido rather than in the relationship.

You say nothing about being sexually attracted to other men. If that is happening, then you should indeed take stock of your relationship.

jomc

It sounds like things are tired and you're tired but your partner is the only one trying to change that and you seem to resent him for it. I think if he maybe laid off the sex moves altogether it could give you breathing space but if you're just not bothered at all then it could push him away. As a previous poster said would you be ok being without him?

LegacyUser

OP here again...thanks for the reply's so far, they have given me lots to think about. To answer previous posters, I don't want to be without him, he is my first proper relationship, I do really really love him and cant really imagine being without him.
I have been trying lots to bring the "spark" back but it doesn't seem to work. Im worried that we are becoming more like my best friends and I don't know what I can do to change this other than what we have already tried.
Somebody mentioned if it is possibly a libido problem but I don't think so. I sometimes notice myself attracted to other men but I would never ever act on this as I love my boyfriend and wouldn't want to hurt him.

I know the excitement of relationships fade with time but I dont want it to disappear completely....

Thank you for the replys so far and any other ideas would be greatly appreciated!

ibarelycare

Yeah of course the excitement fades somewhat, but it is definitely a problem if the attraction disappears altogether.

OP the fact that you do still have your libido, but just not when it comes to your boyfriend, is worrying. You've said twice that you're more like "best friends"...that says a lot. You've both been working on the relationship too, so it's not like you're giving up at the first sign of trouble. But unfortunately maybe the relationship has come to a natural end.

Of course you don't want to be without him. You've spent 3 years with him, he's the person you know best in the world and vice versa. But that's not a reason to stay in a relationship together. If there's no sexual attraction and that's an issue for you, and it's not being resolved despite your best efforts, then I don't see what else you can do. And staying with him while you feel like this would just be unfair.

aidan24326

Perhaps the two of you are just not sexually compatible? Loving someone and being sexually attracted to them don't always go hand in hand.

How was it before? Was there a time in your relationship where it was much more passionate and ye couldn't keep yer hands off each other? Or have ye always been more like close friends than lovers?

LegacyUser

Op again...I've been wondering about the sexual compatibility thing.... I don't remember a time where I couldnt "keep my hands off him" but I definately had more interest than I do now. I never got that very nervous feeling around him when I first met him, it was always comfortable but I took that to be a good thing at the time.

I guess I dont really have much previous experiences to compare it with, is there such a thing as 2 sexually incompatible people, even though they love each other?

aidan24326

Confused225 wrote: »

I guess I dont really have much previous experiences to compare it with, is there such a thing as 2 sexually incompatible people, even though they love each other?

There is, though whether that's the problem for you and your bf only you can decide. But you say you've tried to spice things up and the spark just isn't there? It could be that you love him as a person but just aren't really attracted to him in that lusty physical sense, and if that's the case you may need to decide whether what you have is enough or whether you need to be with someone you have a stronger physical connection with. As much as it would obviously be difficult to break up with this guy now, if there's no real sexual fizz between you that will inevitably affect your relationship in the long term anyway.

afterglow

Hi OP

Okay, some questions, overly mush though they may be, for you to think about, bear in mind these are things that I would consider important, so maybe you don't, but I will put them down here anyway, and perhaps they will help.

I won't focus on the sex straight away, as that seems to be the problem you refered to most in your previous posts, so...
When you are both together, is there any physical chemestry between you at all? Do you want to hug, kiss, or in any other way be physically close? Bear in mind I am not concerned here with any of what I am asking leading to you being sexual with him, what I guess I'm trying to make you think about with these questions is, are you physically close in any way at all, or has your relationship shifted all together to being only emotional or mental in nature?
next, if you were together, just spending some time together, not for any particular reason, and he made some sort of physical advance, again could just be a hug or whatever, how would you react? Would you automatically assume he wants sex, therefore seeing whatever might happen next as a chore because you feel obligation, or would you just enjoy it for what it is?
I want to be careful with the next question, because I don't want to offend or get two personal, but i think in ansering this one you could figure out a lot. You know the way you say you don't want to be without him because you love him, well something that would be worth thinking about is, when you are physical, sexually or otherwise, does it make you feel close to him, and does it make you feel close as a couple/ I won't waste time telling you to think about how your relationship is in any other aspect, because you've probably fallen asleep by now, and hope you don't think i was two preachy, just wanted to put down some stuff that might help, if I was you and in your situation, I would like other posters have said, bear in mind that it has been 3 years, and excitement does kind of fisil after a while, but if you want to be with him, I am totally sure that you can definitely find a way.
Hope this helped even a tiny bit.