HELP Not sure to confront a cheating boyfriend

Tennis Beginner

Hi,

I am 29 years old female soon to be 30 who has been going out with my 31 year old boyfriend soon to be 32 for the last year and a half. We had previously over summer discussed getting engaged (all brought up by him), then in October 2012 we got in a huge row over something very petty which escalated and we began constantly rowing for October and November, him blaming me for this rough patch and causing rows all the time.

At the end of November he went on a lads weekend away in england, i knew something wasnt right when he came back and i looked at his phone (we live together currently) i found messages from his friends teasing him about some girl while he was away and references to me saying he would want to hose himself down before he came back home to me. I felt the messages could be interpreted either way and it could be lads talk so i couldnt tell for definite if he had cheated but i knew something was not right.

I then started looking for other evidence and found a new condom in his wallet (we dont use condoms normally) and i confronted him but i mentioned nothing about having looked at his fone. He denied cheating and said the condom was from before we had started going out and had always been in the pcoket of his wallet. He swore on his father's life he hadnt been with anyone and as i had no solid evidence i had to take his word seeing that i also love him very much.

On a night out about two weeks later we got into a row drunk where he said he wanted to end things that i was always on his case and he wanted to be alone. The next morning we made up and things had been back to normal since.

Then on Friday night past, i looked at his phone i found messages between him and his friend where they were talking bout some friend having gotten a girl pregnant and the friend was saying about this guys weapon getting him in trouble. My guy was like i know sure didnt i have a close shave.

Then there was another message to an ex from college saying about some reunion they are going to in february and would she meet him for a drink, the messages were flirty with her replying are you still hot and him saying il leave that up to you, then they both signed off with kisses saying looking forward to meeting up.

Then there was another message to an ex who is attached saying happy new year where the ex was asking him was he dating anyone and he was saying yeah and things were really good in his relationship.

I do not know wat to do im so torn i love this guy so much and want to marry him someday but i cant live like this thinking he might be meeting up with an ex if he got the chance or having a one night stand if he is away on a lads holiday. I also do not want to let on i have been looking at his phone as i know he will turn it back on me and never trust me again either.

What do i do?????? Please help

cantdecide

I wonder how much trust can be in your relationship if you see fit to routinely root through his phone and his wallet looking for evidence.

Yes, there might be no smoke without fire or indeed, it might all be laddish bravado and indeed it may well all coincidence. TBH, I think you need to **** or get off the pot. It sounds like this relationship is making neither of you happy. How much further harm could you do to the relationship by coming out with it? Could you ever trust this guy at this stage? Maybe a more pertinent question is whether you can trust any guy?

shoos

Aw that is such an awful situation to be in, really feeling for you

Those text messages you quoted sound like they could be interpreted in a million and one ways, and there's definitely the chance they are far more innocent than they seem... so it is good that you're taking that into account.

To enter into a marriage with someone and having all these doubts about their behaviour before you're even engaged is a very scary prospect. My suggestion - would you consider going to couple's counselling with him to try and break down these problems in your relationship?

I think a lot of people don't consider just how beneficial counselling can be, and pre-marital counselling is becoming more and more popular in Ireland for that exact reason. It really might help you understand - A) If he can or can't be trusted on a lad's holiday or around his ex's help the two of you start on a clean, open and more trusting slate?

I think when couples get into the same fights over and over again, and the same old problems keep getting raised - one of the best ways to deal with it is to bring in a new set of eyes and ears and some professional advice on how to move past it for good.

Hope things work out for you, all the best!

ted1

No trust= no relationship, only one way this should end.

judgefudge

Like others have said, it sounds like there is no trust. I have been in the situation in the past where I have gone through a year of insecurity and not trusting my boyfriend. While I don't really condone checking his phone I understand that it's a symptom of insecurity brought about by his behaviour. And in my case checking his phone was the only way I would have found out about his playing around.

Are you happy? Seriously? He sounds like he could be messing around behind your back, or at the very least he likes to flirt and get an ego boost? Some men/women are just this way inclined, no matter how good the current relationship is they will always look for flattery elsewhere. It's not worth it. This laddish bravado thing really does my head in too. I would take some time and consider how YOU want to be treated OP. being in a relationship with someone you trust is a million times nicer. Take it from someone who has experienced this.

Jupitermars

Dear OP,

I actually can't believe you are still with this guy? Whyare you putting yourself through such torture.

It is very very very evident that this guy has cheated onyou

'At the end of November he went on a lads weekend away inengland, i knew something wasnt right when he came back and i looked at hisphone (we live together currently) i found messages from his friends teasinghim about some girl while he was away and references to me saying he would wantto hose himself down before he came back home to me. I felt the messages couldbe interpreted either way and it could be lads talk so i couldnt tell fordefinite if he had cheated but i knew something was not right.'

This to me means that he slept with a girl and his friendmade some stupid joke about it! Your relationship should have ended then!

'I then started looking for other evidence and found anew condom in his wallet (we dont use condoms normally) and i confronted himbut i mentioned nothing about having looked at his fone. He denied cheating andsaid the condom was from before we had started going out and had always been inthe pcoket of his wallet. He swore on his father's life he hadnt been withanyone and as i had no solid evidence i had to take his word seeing that i alsolove him very much.'

I believe HE IS LYING to you. People lie all the time,espescially cheaters! How can you love someone who cheats and lies to you?

'Then on Friday night past, i looked at his phone i foundmessages between him and his friend where they were talking bout some friendhaving gotten a girl pregnant and the friend was saying about this guys weapongetting him in trouble. My guy was like i know sure didnt i have a close shave.'

I would be concerned for your own health because thatcould possibly mean to me that he had sex on an occasion where he did not use a condomand therefore is putting you at risk of a sexually transmitted infection. Iwould recommend that as soon as you finish this relationship , which you should you should go to get check up.

Then there was another message to an ex from collegesaying about some reunion they are going to in february and would she meet himfor a drink, the messages were flirty with her replying are you still hot andhim saying il leave that up to you, then they both signed off with kissessaying looking forward to meeting up.

Not acceptable when in a relationship with you. It is very possible that they could have sex when they meet up as they are flirting.

Then there was another message to an ex who is attachedsaying happy new year where the ex was asking him was he dating anyone and hewas saying yeah and things were really good in his relationship.

DO NOT use this text as a clinger on. perhaps he does not want to hook up with this particular ex.

I do not know wat to do im so torn i love this guy somuch and want to marry him someday

Do you really!?

but i cant live like this thinking he mightbe meeting up with an ex if he got the chance or having a one night stand if heis away on a lads holiday. I also do not want to let on i have been looking athis phone as i know he will turn it back on me and never trust me again either.

No you 'can't live like this' you really can't ! You do not necassarily need to tell him about texts but you could. explain that you did not trust him and you looked at his phone and there was the evidence. who cares what he thinks, you should never never never get back with this guy.


What do i do?????? Please help

Break up with him, now, dont ever go back, get a health check. get yourself some confidence and self worth. there are far far better men out there.

Best of luck

Jupitermars

apologies on size of font boards, a copy and paste gone wrong