clean up my act?

LegacyUser

Male in late 30s here. Been consistently single apart from a few short term relationships. Met lovely woman a few months ago-from start we were so comfortable together,really clicked, have total laugh etc. She's hinted a few times but last night came out straight and said that she has a real issue with my scruffy image but has been fighting it because she liked me so much. If Im honest, shes has a point-my hair is pretty much all over the place, I only shave once a week (what man likes shaving ) and my clothes are thrown together but Im not sure how to take this. Surely she should accept me as i am? At the same time I do really like her and want her to be physically attracted to me. Any advice

daisybelle2008

cleanupact wrote: »

Male in late 30s here. Been consistently single apart from a few short term relationships. Met lovely woman a few months ago-from start we were so comfortable together,really clicked, have total laugh etc. She's hinted a few times but last night came out straight and said that she has a real issue with my scruffy image but has been fighting it because she liked me so much. If Im honest, shes has a point-my hair is pretty much all over the place, I only shave once a week (what man likes shaving ) and my clothes are thrown together but Im not sure how to take this. Surely she should accept me as i am? At the same time I do really like her and want her to be physically attracted to me. Any advice

This is interesting OP. You ask on one hand if she should accept you as you are but on the other hand you say she DOES have a point and also you want her to be physically attracted to you.

Sounds like she have been incredibly honest and forthright with you. You have been single for a long time and now have someone you really like asking you to make a little effort with your appearance, absolute no brainer. I would thank her profusely and get your arse down to the barbers as fast as your legs could carry you for hair cut and nice hot shave and get some clothes advice from a sister/female friend (leave her out of that, she is not your mother).

You should be giddy with excitement now she has given a few clues to how you can increase her lust when she looks at you . She likes you as a person, just polish up the package, you'll both benefit and it is a normal part of a loving relationship to make an effort with appearence for your partner.

cantdecide

As a bloke I would say that it's no bad thing. It doesn't sound like you feel she's being too pushy with you or telling you something you maybe you didn't already know.

If you're excited about this new relationship and you feel the spirit of her comments were genuine, I'd call it a challenge to make yourself a better you. I always try to present myself to the world in the best possible light. I have a beard but I always try to keep it neat and tidy and I try to have decent clothes. This wasn't always my attitude but nowadays I do feel better about the fact that I'm presenting myself reasonably well at all times. It was a worthwhile step in my continuing development.

In other words, do it, but do it for yourself. Making her a little happier to be with you will be a bonus.

ManOfMystery

It would always be my belief that if you are with someone long term, then you have to accept them as they are. Trying to mould that person into something they're not does not usually end well for both parties. I realise that's a generalisation and there are people out there in relationships who have 'cleaned up their act' because of meeting their partner (getting off drugs, etc) ............. but I'm referring more to self-expression : how you behave in general, how you present yourself, your beliefs, and so on.

The question is, is your scruffy image an accurate representation of you? Do you like just throwing clothes together and not spending too much time on fixing your hair perfectly, or shaving neatly? If so then she may just have to accept that's the way you are naturally.

On the other hand, if there's an FHM 2013 best dressed man underneath all this, your appearance is mostly down to laziness and you simply couldn't be bothered with shaving/picking clothes/etc ............................. then maybe you should make more of an effort, especially as this woman seems to mean a lot to you.

Stavro Mueller

cleanupact wrote: »

Male in late 30s here. Been consistently single apart from a few short term relationships.

Have you ever thought that your appearance may have had something to do with this?

As the others have said, this is a no-brainer. You are lucky enough to have met a girl who has managed to look beyond your scruffy appearance to the person behind it. In truth, there are lots of people who are never happier than when they're slobbing around the house in an old pair of jeans or a tracksuit bottom but they'd never go out in public dressed like that. Or, if you look at it another way, how would you feel if you went to see a solicitor or a doctor and they were wearing a tracksuit or a hoodie.

Like it or not, a certain amount of attraction is based on the physical. I don't know what your girlfriend looks like but if she ballooned out to 18 stone, let her eyebrows grow wild and didn't bother to do anything with her hair, how would you feel about her then?

Honestly, it doesn't sound like much she wants to fix. Unless you're lucky enough to be able to carry the unshaven look, you are going to look like a hobo because you're only shaving once a week. As for your hair, why not go to a barber and get a nice short haircut that don't require much maintenance. (It's when it comes to hair that I wish I was a bloke!).

As for clothes shopping, I like the idea of you bringing a sister or someone shopping with you. Or if you don't want to ask them, take yourself to a good men's shop. Or alternatively, a department store where they offer personal shoppers. It doesn't take much more effort to buy nice clothes. And if you take just a bit more care with that you wear each day, you'll look and feel a million dollars.

Dare2baDaniel

As long as you BRUSH your hair and your clothes are CLEAN and you shower everyday I think it's a bit of a shallow thing to think/say about someone. But there are a lot of women that are put off by a scruffy guy, so I guess it's up to you, if you feel comfortable changing your appearance to please someone!

judgefudge

I'm kinda split on this. On the one hand I think if you like someone and you want to be with them you should take them as they are. As long as you're clean, as the others have said your appearance shouldn't really be a Dealbreaker.

On the other hand she has at least had the decency to say this to you. Clearly she likes you and hints haven't worked. If you also like her and you want to keep her around would it really hurt to put more effort in? I always put effort in to look nice for a boyfriend. She may be a little bit put out that you don't find it important to look nice for her.

Bottom line though really depends on how much you like her. If she's worth scrubbing up a little to impress? If she's an otherwise undemanding person maybe you should consider styling your hair a little

Merkin

cleanupact wrote: »

Surely she should accept me as i am?

Yes, absolutely. But within reason. And basic hygiene and cleanliness is a very very basic requirement don't you think? Surely if you like someone then you want to be the best for them you can be and if she'd like you to shower and shave I really don't think that's too much to ask. I'm not saying to change who you are or your dress sense or anything like that, but just having a little bit of pride in your appearance in itself shows you have respect for her. I think she must like you quite a bit to have said it so I'd cut her some slack hon

IrishEyes19

as long as you are completely clean and dress appropriately, she can't force you to change your style. its important of course to be attracted to someone. but clothes and appearance are a huge part of someones character, as long as you feel comfortable with a change go for it, but if not. dont feel pressured to change.

mood

I don't think she is unreasonable.

A lot of men over 30 don't make any effort with their appearance/health and it only make them unattractive and older looking. You may get away with the scruffy look as a student but as a grown man you won't. A little effort never hurt anyone.

And ask you self... would you find her or any other woman attractive if then never brushed/coloured their hair, had hairy legs/arm pits, lived is oversized, ill fitted, unflattering clothes?

dellas1979

The big thing for me to question is whether you could sustain it or not, if you did change your appearance.

Im sure she'd be very flattered that youd do that for her/take on her advice. But if you do it just for her, I dont think youll sustain it, and youll always have the hump, as in "jebus Id prefer to be in a pair of old jeans now, and I cant cause of yer one".

But if you do it for yourself, I think you will. So, you need to figure out, is it something you want to do for yourself, and no harm in it, or is it for someone else.

I think changing up your image every now and then doesnt do any harm anyways, but just do it for the right reasons, otherwise youll feel very uncomfortable .

mood

dellas1979 wrote: »

The big thing for me to question is whether you could sustain it or not, if you did change your appearance.

Im sure she'd be very flattered that youd do that for her/take on her advice. But if you do it just for her, I dont think youll sustain it, and youll always have the hump, as in "jebus Id prefer to be in a pair of old jeans now, and I cant cause of yer one".

But if you do it for yourself, I think you will. So, you need to figure out, is it something you want to do for yourself, and no harm in it, or is it for someone else.

I think changing up your image every now and then doesnt do any harm anyways, but just do it for the right reasons, otherwise youll feel very uncomfortable .

No body is suggesting that he should wear jeans etc. A man can still ear casual clothes but nice casual clothes and make an effort. See the differences below.

I agree with doing it for your self not just for her but if you have been single of most of your adult life something needs to change if you want to meet someone.

jomc

I would also agree that when in a relationship people generally do want to look their best for their partners. I don't think its too much to ask and i think you're lucky that the girl told you how she was feeling instead of just walking off without explanation

dellas1979

Think you missed the point of my post mood - old jeans=old socks=scruffy jacket=holey jumper etc.

mood

dellas1979 wrote: »

Think you missed the point of my post mood - old jeans=old socks=scruffy jacket=holey jumper etc.

Your post just mention old jeans not 'old socks=scruffy jacket=holey jumper etc'.

dellas1979

Yes, but it could be any item of clothing (errmm dont think youd just find jeans to be the only scruffy offender). Didnt realise Id to spell that out.

mood

dellas1979 wrote: »

Yes, but it could be any item of clothing (errmm dont think youd just find jeans to be the only scruffy offender). Didnt realise Id to spell that out.

My point is you can wear jeans even old jeans without being scruffy. Some old jeans are nice and some need to go into the bin.

dellas1979

Talking about the ones that go in the bin.

Sorry, Im lost on this one now .

Toodlepips.

WumBuster

Its really up to you , op. As you've said, you havent really been in any long term relationships up to now whether this is due to your choice of appearance or not i dont know. maybe its worth it make a bit of a change to yourself, I know anytime i scrub up or dress in good clothes it makes you feel more confident and people respond better to you. But image isnt everything of course.
But at the same time, I would be quite taken aback if some girl I just started going out with started trying to make me dress or act in a certain way. I dunno, I might be wrong but it could just be the start of it, one of these women who try to change a man, or seek to control aspects of the mans life. Wouldnt be my scene at all. But as i said its up to you, if you like this woman and want to make a real go of it may not be any harm just to run with this image tweaking and see where it takes you or if its for you.

RossFixxxed

There's always a mix of things. Assuming he keeps clean and hygenic a little grooming and reinvigorationg the wardrobe is no bad thing, and no change of style. Just not looking wreceked as opposed to complete 'Simon from the Inbetweeners' make over.

You could get a couple of really smart outfits, and take her out on the odd date and get yourself all dressed up and look very snazzy. That might be a nice middle ground and it's nice to be all fancy pantsed from time to time?

Just as an aside OP, the fact she can be this open and tell you how she feels about something is a really, really good thing!

LittleBook

cleanupact wrote: »

If I'm honest, she has a point ... Surely she should accept me as i am?

If YOU think she has a point then I don't see the problem with making a bit more effort.

Gauss

OP be clean and dress well for yourself.

stargazer 68

I dont think its a case of 'taking you as you are' OP. It comes across that you don't care what you look like and thats your perogative.

However I bet she gets dressed up etc when you go out and the you turn up in 'holey' clothes and not even bothered to shave!! Just shows complete lack of respect for her. She isn't asking you to buy a new suit etc just have a bit of self respect and an interest in making an effort!

The Princess Bride

OP-I'm curious as to how you looked when first she met you?Were you scruffy then?
Remember,there is a difference between a scruffy/unpresentable and a casual/comfortable appearance.

She might have a valid point to make,or.... she could be one of those people who wants to mold you into what she wants ,regardless of what you want.

Boombastic

She should like you as she found you! I would be hesitant about changing for anyone but yourself, as another poster here put it, this could be the start of a long road of things she wants to change about you. If you are happy dressing the way you do, think carefully about changing your image to suit her ideals


Edit: do you think she would change her style to suit you?

Beruthiel

cleanupact wrote: »

If Im honest, shes has a point

Surely she should accept me as i am?

You contradict yourself OP.

I'm all for having someone take me as I am, in fact, I insist on it.
However, there's nothing at all wrong with wanting to look hot for your honey and if you honestly think she has a point, would you not at least tidy yourself up a tad?

I'd bet good money that she goes all out to look good for you.

mood

Boombastic wrote: »

She should like you as she found you! I would be hesitant about changing for anyone but yourself, as another poster here put it, this could be the start of a long road of things she wants to change about you. If you are happy dressing the way you do, think carefully about changing your image to suit her ideals


Edit: do you think she would change her style to suit you?

It not about changing his style to suit her but simply not looking scruffy.

The OP has been single most of his adult life and his scruffiness could well be the reason or at least part of it. If he is not willing to make an effort when he has finally meet someone then he most likely will be alone forever. If that is what he wants then don't make an effort but if he wants a woman in his life he should clean up his act. Like I said earlier would he or any other man fancy a woman who never had her hair done, didn't shave her legs/armpits, wore only badly fitted clothes etc??? Not a chance.

Boombastic

mood wrote: »

It not about changing his style to suit her but simply not looking scruffy.

The OP has been single most of his adult life and his scruffiness could well be the reason or at least part of it. If he is not willing to make an effort when he has finally meet someone then he most likely will be alone forever. If that is what he wants then don't make an effort but if he wants a woman in his life he should clean up his act. Like I said earlier would he or any other man fancy a woman who never had her hair done, didn't shave her legs/armpits, wore only badly fitted clothes etc??? Not a chance.

My OH's style is 'scruffy' (not dirty) I accept them as who they are. I would worry if someone is trying to dictate early in the relationship about what they other person can and can't wear. I think your scaremongering saying they'll be alone forever. I don't always shave my legs..the horror:eek:

OP, only you can decide, but I would be concerned about letting your partner dictate about what you can and can't wear, what will be next? What you can and can't do?

RossFixxxed

The thing again is, are they really changing his style/personality/uniqueness etc, or just asking he cleans up a bit? Are they really dictating or asking that he makes some basic effort?

If your personailty is based around scruffy/dirty (and the OH has even said she has a point) then you really don't have any personality do you? It's like expressing your personailty through a slogan on a T Shirt, it just shows how vacuous you are.

As I said before, why not go for the odd classy night out together. Have a smart outfit, clean up etc and look the business.

There's a difference between scruffy and dirty. There's a difference between not shaving and your personaity. There's a difference between dictating his life and asking if he would scrub up. We don't know the details so going off the deep end is way too reactionary.

If anything it is GOOD that they can discuss these things together and that she can raise a concern without all the drama I see in other posts. At least the OP isn't that insecure.

Boombastic

RossFixxxed wrote: »

.......
If your personailty is based around scruffy/dirty (and the OH has even said she has a point) then you really don't have any personality do you? ...................................

?

RossFixxxed wrote: »

.........................
If anything it is GOOD that they can discuss these things together and that she can raise a concern without all the drama I see in other posts. At least the OP isn't that insecure.

Wanting to change you style because someone else told you too smacks of insecurity tbh

RossFixxxed

1st part self explanatory, and gave an example.

Is it changing your style though, or just cleaning up. He doesn't shave out of laziness, maybe that irritates her face and makes kissing unpleasant. I'm saying we don't know the full story, but if just talking about something that bothers her is that much of a drama for you I dread to think what real issues would do.

Being that attached to a 'style' which in his case is not bothering due to laziness, is insecure. I've seen it time and time again. People who define themeslves through some look or clothes have little else going on (and that should answer your question above).

EVEN IF she is insecure at least she can talk about it in what seems to be a reasonable manner. They didn't go off on the defensive like you have. That's all I'm saying.

Where is the harm in discussing it, or even a compromise? The OP has stated she has a point. (How many times do I have to repeat this?)

EDIT: I'm saying he could clean up the odd time for dates, nights out etc. I'm sure she makes an effort for thes things. I'm not saying he should change everything about himself, and only wear what she wants. I'm not saying that all women make huge efforts all the time either. I'm just saying there's probably a mutually beneficial compromise on this minor issue. I still strongly maintain that talking about anything like this is always a good thing. Bottling it up makes it worse.