Going to a wedding alone

LegacyUser

My younger sister is getting married in the middle of February, I'll be going alone and I'm totally dreading it.

I'm a male in my mid thirties and I'm originally from a small Midlands town. I've been single for a number of years now mainly because I obviously haven't found anybody compatible yet but also because I suffer from depression and social anxiety and this obviously gets me down.

I've been to friends weddings before but this totally different as I know I'm going to face a whole barrage of questions like "why are you still single/unmarried/alone/etc" and I really don't want to be put in a situation like that.

I've also overheard some of relations question my sexuality and this has pretty much added fuel to the fire and I feel even more depressed about the whole situation now.

I'm sorry if I come across as selfish or self-centred but that's just the unfortunate state of mind that I've found myself in. January blues maybe?

Neyite

I went to my sisters wedding single and I'm female. I ended up having a blast because I'd no-one to mind for the day the way I would if I brought a date that knew nobody.

If people ask you (which they did with me) know that its not personal, relatives ask everyone. Then when you do find someone steady, they ask when you'll be giving them the big day out yourself, and when you do that, you'll be asked if there is anything stirring, wink wink. When you helpfully oblige them by producing a child, you'll be pestered for a sibling. This happens everyone. I'm currently on the "big day out" and "sibling" one respectively. I was even asked at a wedding while heavily pregnant earlier this year if there was a father on the scene (the person in question knew I'd a long term partner) My response? "I've narrowed it down, yeah"

Have a few stock responses up your sleeve for those enquiries, keep it light and banter-like:

"Are you seeing anyone?"
"Nobody special, a few dates here and there, but Miss Right hasn't shown her face yet"
"Nobody special, I might meet the woman of my dreams here. Do you see any ladies I can chat up later?"
"Dont buy the hat yet, it could be well out of fashion by the time I decide to settle down"

LegacyUser

Thank you for your reply.

I will take your advice on-board and I'll be sure to be well prepared for any awkward questions that will definitely arise.

I'm planning on visiting my doctor soon too because I haven't been on anti depressions for a few years now and I think I may need them again, even if I don't, it will be good to have a chat with someone anyway.

The thing that really hurt me though were the comments about my sexuality. I'm now paranoid that my relatives think that I might be gay and when I show up to my sisters wedding alone it will set their tongues wagging.

nowyouresix

OP: I am female, and recently went to my brother's wedding alone. I had a ball !! Never mind what anyone else says....it's a day for you to celebrate your sister's wedding, so enjoy it !!

Neyite

Dreading it wrote: »

The thing that really hurt me though were the comments about my sexuality. I'm now paranoid that my relatives think that I might be gay and when I show up to my sisters wedding alone it will set their tongues wagging.

The thing is though, if people want to assume you are gay, even if you turned up with a female, they'd still probably insist that its only for show, and still make insinuations. Their aim is to put you on the spot, to make you squirm or embarrassed. I think that by showing your hurt at their assumption you hand them the power there.

But you can address those insinuations in a way that makes them look like a homophobic simply by replying "Well, I'm straight myself, but don't see anything wrong with being Gay, do you?" You are changing the focus of the conversation from YOU being possibly gay to THEM being homophobic.

Do you have other single relatives that you can hang out with on the day that they might help you fend off comments?

The_Morrigan

OP, I had to go to my baby brothers wedding in 2011 alone. I'm the first born, only girl in the family and personally I was dreading it.
I worked myself up into a state over the whole affair as the youngest was getting married, the middle child was bringing his girlfriend and I felt like such a failure having to go alone at the age of 31 and endure the 'you're running out of time' & 'when will it be your turn' comments from the family. I was miserable in the run up to the event.

But once I got there, the brides family and friends just took me under their wing and didn't leave me alone once or feel like a third wheel at any point.

There were plenty of people there in couples and plenty more who were not. There were couples 'split' for the day as they had bridesmaid/grooms men duties so it was a great mismatch of people all there to celebrate the bride and groom.

I would urge you not to make my mistake and make yourself suffer before the big event. Go to your doctor and look after your mental health first. Have confidence in you and your current place in life, what other people say or think should not matter. I know that is easy to say and harder to do, but it is true.

I wish you luck

LegacyUser

Dreading it wrote: »

The thing that really hurt me though were the comments about my sexuality. I'm now paranoid that my relatives think that I might be gay and when I show up to my sisters wedding alone it will set their tongues wagging.

OP honestly there is nothing you can do to alter this notion in their minds between now and the wedding. You turn up alone they think your gay, you turn up with a female friend they think your gay, you turn up with a female friend you talk into pretending to be your GF and it will be a pain for both of you, awkward and those family members will still think your gay.

And you know what so what if that's what they think - either ignore it or tell them they are mistaken and ask why they care one way or the other. Gay or straight your single so what, who cares, the day isn't about you, it's your sisters day, your there to support and share your sisters day with her and her new husband and they should just bugger off. Trust me OP if you did have a partner you'd have a whole bunch of different questions to deal with -When are you getting married? When are you having children etc etc People who are so overly interested in other peoples lives should just be smiled at and then ignored. Either stick to family/friends who aren't annoying or if you did get stuck in a conversation just keep changing the topic and if keeps coming up seriously call them on it - 'is your life really so boring that all you can do is spend your time thinking about mine? I'm flattered and now I'm going to the bar, bye'

dd972

''I've also overheard some of relations question my sexuality and this has pretty much added fuel to the fire and I feel even more depressed about the whole situation now.''

Easier said than done, but it's a mugs game to get worked up or bothered about this, gay rumours are a catch 22, the more strenuously they're denied then the more convinced others become that there's no smoke without fire and you're either gay or some imbecilic insecure homophobe, when in reality you just don't like being misunderstood.

Fox_In_Socks

Don't worry about it. I went to a wedding alone and I was the best man to my brother, so sitting at the high table on my tod. I didn't feel any more awkward than I usually do at such situations (weddings)

Think about it this way. If you brought someone with you, you'd have to explain yourself about 20 times to separate people about where she is from/how ye met/how long together etc. Less hassle from relatives when on your own.

Taltos

OP - not sure if it is healthy that you allow people thinking you might be gay to upset you so much. Trust me - when younger a few friends thought I might be gay as I had not had a GF in so long, even family members.

To be honest, so what if you were?

If asked or you overhear a comment from an ape - just as above have one or two witty replies ready.
"Gawd, if only, maybe then I could get lucky some night".

or
"Come on - have you seen how I dress?"

Or - only if she is really good looking and you don't mind coming across as a cheeky git
"How about you ask me that over breakfast in the morning"

Definitely follow through on talking to someone though. And really - just go out and try to enjoy the evening without hitting too much alcohol...

skyfall2012

It is so hard to meet people nowadays, I think a wedding can be on of those great opportunities to meet someone, and you already have friends and family in common if things work out.

On the gay thing, I have a family member who is gay and I really feel for them because of the ignorance and homophobia that is out there.

You are a heterosexual who has a fear of being thought of as gay, imagine going to the wedding as a gay person with a partner, how hard that would be. There is no point in worrying about what you think other people are going to think.

I love family weddings because they are like reunions and you need to go with a positive attitude, enjoy your Auld Aunty who has no filters and give her a comical answer to her off the wall questions, you may even make her laugh, no doubt her husband will be kicking her under the table, I can see it all now.

Enjoy the wedding and mingle they are your family and they love you and it will make your sisters day.

cathy01

Will you be the uncle that does THE DANCE??
Honest as above your with your family and your friends, the old ill tell you be then I'd have to kill you gets me out of so many tight spots.
Have fun dance talk silly drunk dance and you never know , you might catch someone's eye:-) but please don't worry.
Let us know how you get on .

Dreading it

Dreading it wrote: »

My younger sister is getting married in the middle of February, I'll be going alone and I'm totally dreading it.

I'm a male in my mid thirties and I'm originally from a small Midlands town. I've been single for a number of years now mainly because I obviously haven't found anybody compatible yet but also because I suffer from depression and social anxiety and this obviously gets me down.

I've been to friends weddings before but this totally different as I know I'm going to face a whole barrage of questions like "why are you still single/unmarried/alone/etc" and I really don't want to be put in a situation like that.

I've also overheard some of relations question my sexuality and this has pretty much added fuel to the fire and I feel even more depressed about the whole situation now.

I'm sorry if I come across as selfish or self-centred but that's just the unfortunate state of mind that I've found myself in. January blues maybe?

I understand where your coming from completely. Dont let these eejits get you down. There is a mentality in Ireland where land, marriage and family are almost considered a life dependency and as a result you have people rushing in and panicking, saddling themselves with absolute losers while good decent people find it hard to meet someone compatible. Im 29 and single myself. I attended two weddings over the Christmas period as a single man and if people want to make assumptions that im and oddball or gay or whatever then they can go ahead. I dont give a flying kite what they think.

Like Arsene Wenger 'im in the market for the right type of player' I wont rush in during the latter stages of the January window and panic buy

jupiterjack

Dreading it wrote: »

My younger sister is getting married in the middle of February, I'll be going alone and I'm totally dreading it.

I'm a male in my mid thirties and I'm originally from a small Midlands town. I've been single for a number of years now mainly because I obviously haven't found anybody compatible yet but also because I suffer from depression and social anxiety and this obviously gets me down.

I've been to friends weddings before but this totally different as I know I'm going to face a whole barrage of questions like "why are you still single/unmarried/alone/etc" and I really don't want to be put in a situation like that.

I've also overheard some of relations question my sexuality and this has pretty much added fuel to the fire and I feel even more depressed about the whole situation now.

I'm sorry if I come across as selfish or self-centred but that's just the unfortunate state of mind that I've found myself in. January blues maybe?

im also male in mid thirties and was at three weddings in the last six months as a single person and im also going to one in mid february ,yes youve guessed it, as a single person. i think the questions you ask are valid but i think you are perhaps over-reacting, from my own experiences such questions have never entered my head and such questions have never been asked. the only thing that worrys me is the cost of accomadation if im staying over...so go enjoy the wedding and those questions wont even come up id say....

Starokan

It seems awkward going on your own but in reality it wont be that bad, make sure you get a glance at the seating arrangments and get yourself put beside a friend or family member you get on with. After that you can pop in and out of the wedding/bar as you please. There is a strong likelihood that there will a good few single people at the wedding too or if not at least at the afters.

Regarding the gay rumours I know exactly where you are coming from, the people saying this would do so anyway, i've had 3 long term relationships and am single right now and still there are one or two morons who would go ah hes not married so he's gay. These people are genuinely not worth your time , they are idiots of the highest order. The reality is they are totally in the minority and on the day you will not hear anything like that.

Could you bring a mate or a couple of mates along to the afters purely as drinking buddies, that might help with any social anxiety etc

Tasden

Hi op,

The last wedding I went to I was dreading as I had recently split from my long term partner so was worried people would be thinking I was fragile or jealous or whatever about the wedding which I wasn't. Anyway it was a blast and I realized I was over analyzing everything and nobody was even thinking bout me. I know its different in your case in that people generally tend to feel they have a right to know your business if you're single as opposed to just been dumped!

As for the gay comments, some people genuinely believe that someone can only be happy if they have a partner. Perhaps your family are just discussing all possibilities as they're concerned about your happiness. I guess I'm trying to say it may not have been said out of malice. I'm single ATM out of choice but some people choose to believe instead that that's a lie because they themselves wouldn't choose it, in your case people would rather believe you're gay- people will believe what they want to regardless of what you tell them so its best to just tell the truth once and it's then in their hands what they want to do with it.

Also the poster that pointed out how family always interfere is completely right! When you have a partner theres all the questions and comments about your partner/wedding/babies, then when you have babies they tell you that you're doing it all wrong and give parenting tips regardless of the fact that you never asked for them! Its never ending no matter what you do!

Best of luck with your gp and look after yourself. Enjoy the wedding!

simonsays1

Same thing has happened to me as regards weddings including my siblings down through the years including questioning my sexuality. But hey I'm still in same situation, 30's and I'm much better with dealing with people's q's. People are curious about your private life, that used to get to me- not anymore! I don't give too much away but polite all the same.
Have a ball!!