Bad performance blows chance with dream girl

LegacyUser

Will keep this short as possible and would appreciate any thoughts.

Dated a really brilliant girl for 8 weeks that fell apart over the holidays. Went back to her placea couple of times and basically my performance was underwhelming - like a giddy teenager not knowing what to do. Basically we kissed, fumbled and i left. I wanted to do so much more and please her but nerves got the better of me because I like her so much. It sounds crazy but i have had bad luck with women because of shyness before.

After the second time she met me and told me we should end because she was not sure what she wanted. I think the fact she was underwhelmed was the big contributor. I want to see if i can make it up to her. We did get on very well and she agrees with that, said she likes me and fears she was making a mistake. I have given her space and broken all contact but my head is addled because I like her alot.

Any tips?

RubyWoo83

Underperformer wrote: »

Will keep this short as possible and would appreciate any thoughts.

Dated a really brilliant girl for 8 weeks that fell apart over the holidays. Went back to her placea couple of times and basically my performance was underwhelming - like a giddy teenager not knowing what to do. Basically we kissed, fumbled and i left. I wanted to do so much more and please her but nerves got the better of me because I like her so much. It sounds crazy but i have had bad luck with women because of shyness before.

After the second time she met me and told me we should end because she was not sure what she wanted. I think the fact she was underwhelmed was the big contributor. I want to see if i can make it up to her. We did get on very well and she agrees with that, said she likes me and fears she was making a mistake. I have given her space and broken all contact but my head is addled because I like her alot.

Any tips?

In reality, you are just making an assumption that it is in relation to your performance. Could be any number of reasons.

Give her a call, ask her out and if she still declines then it's time to move on.

scarymoon1

if she did like you she would not have ended it - even if you did under perform. forget about her

tomthetank

I dunno, if she didn't like you in the first place, she wouldn't have bothered with you for eight weeks.

Have you been honest with her about how your nerves affected your performance? If you just shut down and went silent on her, maybe she ended it because she was frustrated and thought it just meant you weren't into her.

I'd say give it one last shot, be completely honest with her and if she's still not keen, there's your answer.

At least you'll never regret not really knowing.

Roisy7

If I really liked a guy I wouldn't end it over performance issues. Most women realise these things happen.

Talk to her at least before writing her off.

judgefudge

Did you perception that you were performing badly cause you to withdraw or act weird around her? If so I'd imagine its more likely she broke it off because of that. I can't imagine someone breaking it off over sex so soon, but it's always a possibility.

Ham Sambo

I agree with Rosy, hook up with her again for dinner ora quiet drink, talk to her and explain to her what you told us in here (I know I know, easier said than done), but give it a shot, worth a try. best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here. Thanks for comments.

I agree I do not know this was the reason but I guess she felt underwhelmed by my failure to go the whole way.i agree meeting is the way forward but there I guess I just have to man up and get over my awkwardness

judgefudge

I don't know... I guess after 8 weeks of dating a guy I would begin to wonder if he was really into me. Maybe she just needed a bit of reassurance. It could be any reason though OP. she may not be in the zone for a relationship, she may not have felt a connection with you, she may like someone else.

Unless you talk to her you can't just assume its down to your performance. Don't put yourself down so quickly.

tomthetank

Yeah I'd highly doubt it's the performance thing, I'd say it's more how you reacted to it.

I've been in your situation before OP with a guy I really liked and the bedroom stuff didn't really start to work for a while and I could see it was killing him. But to me, I wasn't with him just for the physical stuff and although I fancied the ass off him it wasn't a big deal at all to me, I just put it down to early days jitters.

But his reaction was to avoid contact for weeks on end, probably out of embarrassment or shame or whatever, but it really hurt me at the time because I was mad about him and assumed it meant he just wasn't bothered.

As insecure and shy as you may be feeling, this girl has feelings too and she may well be feeling just as insecure and upset at how things have gone. I'd be mindful of that and get in touch and just be completely honest with her, tell her what you've told us. If you care about her tell her that, and apologise if you went cold on her. Maybe she's genuinely not interested, maybe she met someone else, or maybe she was just like me and you can salvage the situation and win her back.

Best of luck

Lorna123

I don't know if I would be into discussing your performance with her as this would lead to you being self conscious every time you attempted it in the future with her as you would feel she was looking to see if you were any better. I would find that most uncomfortable. I definitely would not think that a girl would leave a guy over poor performance so soon. Girls look deeper than that when dating a guy. Let her know that you are sorry things didn't work out (if you have not already let her know this) and if she is still reluctant to see you then just leave it. More fish in the sea.

LegacyUser

Underperformer wrote: »

It sounds crazy but i have had bad luck with women because of shyness before.


Any tips?

Hi OP,
Hope you don't mind but want to focus on what you said here and semi-hijack your thread. I'm just wondering you said it happened before.

From my own experience when I have been with people that I have really liked nerves have gotten the better of me and I have not been able to perform. I would relate it to some earlier experiences I had in my early 20's that really knocked my confidence. I would like nothing more than to be an absolute stud in bed but it takes a lot of trust and patience on the other persons part that a lot of people are not willing to put in. I mostly prefer to take things really slowly and to me 8 weeks of dating followed by the beginning of a bit of romance and not full on sex is not a crazy amount of time to wait. Sex should be fun and relaxing not a bundle of nerves and tension. If that's where your mind wanders then you need to start changing your outlook. (my experiences not necessarily yours)

So I am just wondering, is there anything in your past that has knocked your confidence. I hear you on the when you really like someone front that nerves can get the better of you and also Men have it hard on that front as it seems that a lot of the pressure is on the guy to perform, take the lead etc. My advice, try not to put yourself under so much pressure. If she really likes you she would hang around and be more patient. You could try again with her and just tell her you really like her and want to pursue something. If she's not into it then time to move on and find someone who is into you.

Sex is an expression of love in a relationship, it should not be the entire focus. Men don't talk about these issues. "Hey lads, couldn't get a boner last night with a really hot bird....any advice" But I bet most lads have had this experience. You need to try and try again, confidence comes with experience. Also remember it's also up to her, she might be nervous too and those little signals are making you more nervous. She needs to learn what you like and don't like. Try and see it from both sides. If she was the one who was holding back would you be casting her aside, probably not, you'd probably give it a few shots and get to know each other more.

Anyway I'm starting to ramble, basically ask her out again, I am sure if she says no its more than just a sex thing.