Going to see counsellor - Should I tell my bf

LegacyUser

I've decided to start seeing a counsellor this year to try and sort out some long term issues and put them behind me. It's like my New Years resolution for myself I guess. Its not the first time i've been but has been a few years. I'm with my bf over 2 years and just wondering whether I should tell him or not. It's not that i'm embarrassed or anything I just don't know if he'll understand and figure he will want to know why etc. I'm afraid it might end in an argument or something. I don't want secrets in our relationship but don't think i'm doing anything wrong by keeping this one thing personal for myself. Really confused on this one.

looksee

My immediate reaction would be, how solid a relationship is it if you can't share your problems? Are you living together or are you just seeing each other? If you are just seeing each other then you probably don't need to tell him if you don't want to, but if you are living together you probably should consider it.

You are entirely entitled to keep something private, but his reaction to you having a problem in your past should not be to have a row.

Neyite

OP, do you think he will react badly? Why do you feel this? Do you think that he will assume that the counselling is to discuss him?

You are entitled to your privacy- thats not secrets - just elaborate as much as you have done here, - that its about an old issue and thats all he needs to know. If he gets the hump, well, its not about him, is it?

If is is any sort of a boyfriend at all he should be asking you how he can support you while you are tackling issues - eg giving you your space after a counselling session to process your thoughts etc.

cantdecide

Obviously, we don't know the nature of your relationship or the nature of the issue you seek help with but two years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone you feel you can't be completely honest with. I wonder if you live together? Are you considering keeping this to yourself forever or do you ever see yourself as admitting this at after, hopefully, you've dealt with it?

TBH, I'd start to feel very insecure about a relationship I were in if it came out that my partner were seeing a counsellor about an issue she couldn't even broach with me (that I'm assuming had nothing to do with me). I accept that it it's probably an unreasonable reaction but it's how I'd feel if I were in a relationship for so long. I think I'd feel like I were being deprived of the opportunity to help and be supportive too. It depends on how serious the issue is to you.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys,

No we're not living together. I don't think he'd argue with me over it, I just think if he kept asking questions i'd put up a wall as wrong as that may be. I'm probably overreacting. He's had a very different and much more placid life than me so counselling would be an alien enough concept to him. I don't want him to tell his family but i'm guessing if he ask him not to he won't.

skyfall2012

I get the feeling that you know this guy and have a feeling that he will react in a negative way to you telling him about going to a counselor. But in a good relationship he should want you to do what is going to be good for you and honestly if he is unhappy about it,
I would seriously consider your relationship with him, because he may cause you more harm than good in the long run. I am basing this on your relationship being a serious one, 2 years is a long time.

LegacyUser

skyfall2012 wrote: »

I get the feeling that you know this guy and have a feeling that he will react in a negative way to you telling him about going to a counselor. But in a good relationship he should want you to do what is going to be good for you and honestly if he is unhappy about it,
I would seriously consider your relationship with him, because he may cause you more harm than good in the long run. I am basing this on your relationship being a serious one, 2 years is a long time.

He is a very caring person and treats me well sometimes though I don't like how he reacts to things. For example I spoke about doing an art class and photography course in the future and some other things I want to do and he kind of laughed and asked if I was having a mid life crisis.

Little Acorn

troubledgal wrote: »

Thanks guys,

No we're not living together. I don't think he'd argue with me over it, I just think if he kept asking questions i'd put up a wall as wrong as that may be. I'm probably overreacting. He's had a very different and much more placid life than me so counselling would be an alien enough concept to him. I don't want him to tell his family but i'm guessing if he ask him not to he won't.

I don't think you should tell him yet.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting until you are personally ready to tell him if you wish, and if you feel it would affect your progress and it is something you are going to be stressing over I would definitely wait awhile.
I think you should go to your counselling sessions, and with the help from your counsellor they could also help you decide the best way to explain it to him when you are ready, and how to explain to him that constant questioning etc would not help you.

I think that in a relationship you should be able to trust and talk freely to your boyfriend about things, but you should only do it when you are ready to do it, and maybe you will feel better equipped for speaking with him after a couple of sessions with your counsellor.
There's nothing wrong with waiting until you feel comfortable imo.

cantdecide

The big question is whether the fear of his reaction is greater than your desire for his support.

If it is the latter, I'd work out a way of getting through to him what you need him to do. It would be a shame to have to go it alone if you don't have to.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for all the great advice. Well I told him, it just felt right for me, I tried to do it in a light hearted way. He was taken back a bit, and asked why so I told him just to deal with some of the crazy and then more seriously just told him there's just some things I want to talk about. He knows i've had an eventful past so i'm sure he knows it's something to do with that. Feel better now.