Wife kissed a guy at a Christmas night out

dr cox

My wife of 8 years told me she kissed a guy on a Christmas night out, I'm totally devastated and I haven't slept right in a week, how can we get over this, she tells me she's so sorry but just was very drunk and feeling unloved, I can't eat sleep or function in work and I can't see how I can forgive this. I asked for every detail about the incident and she was very straight up, it was a very full on kiss in a pub. My world feels like its falling apart, I look at our little boy and I can't understand why she would do this to our family. Anybody help on this?

Project Werewolf

Saying she was very drunk is a cop out. Alcohol doesn't cause people to cheat, it just reduces inhibitions, so she always had it in her to cheat. That may sound harsh but it's the truth.

If you plan on staying together you have to totally forgive her. If this incident constantly gets brought up every time you have an argument in the future you will both be miserable. Will you get paranoid when she goes out for a drink without you? You have to think about that and answer them honestly. If you can't let go of it then you will never be happy in that relationship.

People might tell you it's not a big deal but its about perspective. If its a big deal to you then don't let anyone tell you to just forget about it.

Think about what you need to put this behind you and then communicate that clearly to your wife. You haven't done anything wrong so it's up to her to fix this.

You can get through this. Try not to stress too much and look after yourself.

dr cox

thank you. good to hear someones opinion. appreciated.

Nervous Nigel

Your wife has been honest with you. That's a very good sign. Of course kissing someone else was wrong, but it was "only" a kiss, and she has been upfront about it. Try and put it behind you both and address why she felt/feels unloved. And get some sleep.

Elmer Blooker

Don't fall for that "feeling unloved" nonsense. That's just a diversion to try and put some blame on you for what she did. In my experience of life women are very very good at this.
The previous post says "it was just a kiss" but it wouldn't have been just a kiss if you done it - it would be "cheating"
The reason why she did it is because she enjoyed the attention and not because you are "neglecting" her.
I hope you can work things out and she feels very guilty and learns from her mistakes.

Ann84

Do you believe she felt unloved?
You can focus on one of two things here, the act, or the motive. Your marriage involves the two of you, you know your wife and marriage better than anyone here! Only you know if she is an attention seeking cheater who doesn't value your marriage, or if there really are issues and this may be the cry for help that will jolt both of you both back to happiness.

From your OP, it doesn't sound like she is the former, and her actions dont scream cheater to me. It's very easy to get complacent in relationships, maybe you didnt notice before?

Disclaimer: I am NOT advocating your wife's approach here, but it just doesn't sound like the actions of someone who doesn't care about you or your marriage. I hope something good can come out of this for you both.

RubyWoo83

Project Werewolf wrote: »

Saying she was very drunk is a cop out. Alcohol doesn't cause people to cheat, it just reduces inhibitions, so she always had it in her to cheat. That may sound harsh but it's the truth.

This is nonsense, lots of people do things when drunk that they wouldn't dream of doing when sober.

OP I think you probably need some time to get some perspective on this. What your wife did was wrong, no doubt about that, but you have a little boy and I think it's important that you try to work things out. It was a kiss, that she seems to be feeling bad about so it's not really the worse that could happen. Take some time, maybe go stay with friends or family for a couple of days to get your head clear and then talk it out with her.

She can't fix it or undo it, she can apologise and make sure it never happens again.

Project Werewolf

RubyWoo83 wrote: »

This is nonsense, lots of people do things when drunk that they wouldn't dream of doing when sober.

OP I think you probably need some time to get some perspective on this. What your wife did was wrong, no doubt about that, but you have a little boy and I think it's important that you try to work things out. It was a kiss, that she seems to be feeling bad about so it's not really the worse that could happen. Take some time, maybe go stay with friends or family for a couple of days to get your head clear and then talk it out with her.

She can't fix it or undo it, she can apologise and make sure it never happens again.

The reason they won't do those things sober is because there are certain inhibitions holding them back. Alcohol just removes those. Alcohol doesn't make people violent, promiscuous or cheat, but it will creates a situation where people who are inclined to do those things will act on them.

Alcohol is no excuse to do anything.

RubyWoo83

Project Werewolf wrote: »

The reason they won't do those things sober is because there are certain inhibitions holding them back. Alcohol just removes those. Alcohol doesn't make people violent, promiscuous or cheat, but it will creates a situation where people who are inclined to do those things will act on them.

Alcohol is no excuse to do anything.

In your opinion!

Project Werewolf

RubyWoo83 wrote: »

In your opinion!

It's the oldest excuse in the book. You are responsible for your own actions.

RubyWoo83

Project Werewolf wrote: »

It's the oldest excuse in the book. You are responsible for your own actions.

Come down off your high horse will you.

I'm constantly telling random people I love them when drunk.... when I actually don't even know/remotely like them. It's not because I actually do and my inhibitions were down so I told them. It's stupid drunken behavior.

italodisco

Well I was a terrible cheat until I met my wife .

Now , no matter how drunk I was I wouldnt use it as a reason..... I've had some very good offers while drunk and did nothing .

To be fair though I do believe in the whole 'feeling unloved' reason. I was with a misserable cow for years and I did eventually go off with other women because I was so angry at her.

If it was just a kiss and she told then its a good thing. Most scenarios in my office like yours end up in secrecy because they want to carry it on.

I would give her a chance, but only one. It was only a kiss and she was honest .

If she went off and shagged him I would dump alright but she didn't.

You'll be suprised, it might actually IMPROVE things in your relationship ,

Just don't become an 'alfie moon ' ;-)

Project Werewolf

RubyWoo83 wrote: »

Come down off your high horse will you.

I'm constantly telling random people I love them when drunk.... when I actually don't even know/remotely like them. It's not because I actually do and my inhibitions were down so I told them. It's stupid drunken behavior.

No that would be the inhibition that stops you talking rubbish that was down right there. That's you, not the alcohol. Obviously you wouldn't do that sober because you'd look stupid but that's still part of your personality.

ManOfMystery

RubyWoo83 wrote: »

Come down off your high horse will you.

I'm constantly telling random people I love them when drunk.... when I actually don't even know/remotely like them. It's not because I actually do and my inhibitions were down so I told them. It's stupid drunken behavior.

But who puts the drink in your mouth?

I agree with PW. Too many people do ridiculous things when drinking and use the old "ah sure it wasn't me, it was the drink". That doesn't excuse the actions, as you'll see in any court of law. People have to take responsibility for their own actions.

I've been in situations many times where there's been members of the opposite sex and the potential to hook up, but even in my drunken state I'd never dream of betraying my partner. I often wonder how people can get so drunk that they genuinely don't know what they're actually doing, and if that's the case....... then they really need to look at their drinking habits. If they can't control themselves when drinking, don't drink.

In any event - getting back to the OP. Whilst I have no doubt that your wife's actions have devastated you, you have to look at the big picture - she kissed the guy, but she didn't sleep with him, or go home with him, and it sounds like this was a one-off. It could have been worse. You have a marriage and a child, and it would be a shame for that to fall apart because your wife betrayed your trust somewhat. If you both still love each other, and you can find it in your heart to forgive her (which will take a lot of effort from you, and a lot of effort from her also to realise her mistake and rebuild that trust), it's worth it so your little boy doesn't grow up with separated parents. It will take time though, so my advice would be not to make any rash decisions now - just sit it out for a while and see what the lay of the land is like once this initial shock has passed over.

Couples have recovered from worse before and gone on to have even better relationships, as strange as it sounds. Sometimes it takes something like this for people to realise how important their family is and what they stand to lose. That can apply to not just your wife, but also perhaps to yourself if she thinks she has been unloved and perhaps taken for granted at times. What doesn't break you might just make you stronger, but it will take work and effort from both of you.

Good luck

Oryx

dr cox wrote: »

My wife of 8 years told me she kissed a guy on a Christmas night out, I'm totally devastated and I haven't slept right in a week, how can we get over this, she tells me she's so sorry but just was very drunk and feeling unloved, I can't eat sleep or function in work and I can't see how I can forgive this. I asked for every detail about the incident and she was very straight up, it was a very full on kiss in a pub. My world feels like its falling apart, I look at our little boy and I can't understand why she would do this to our family. Anybody help on this?

She told you, and she is sorry. These are good things. She clearly regrets what happened and is trying to make amends.

Now, if this is brand new devastating news, then I would assume your wife has never given you reason to doubt her before, and is not normally the flirtatious or cheating type. Again, good news.

But the bad news. Something caused her to do this. Something is wrong within her life or your marriage that meant she has gone against her previous nature and kissed someone else. I wouldnt say its a fatal blow to your marriage, but it sure as hell is a very loud alarm bell that all is not well with you both. Whether that is her fault, or yours, or both, is not for me to guess, I dont know you, or her, or your situation. You need to talk to her and figure it out. Feeling unloved is not a reason to cheat on your partner, (so dont take that blame), but since when were drunk human beings all that rational, weighing up reasons to misbehave? This is what has happened, it was out of character (I'm presuming) and you need to figure out why.

Can you forgive her? If you want to you can. Depends if you feel she was really sorry. But if you do talk it through and decide to move on together, then forgiving means letting it go, too. You will do your marriage no favours if you drag this up as a stick to beat her with every time you argue in future. But thats for a later stage anyway. For now you need to talk with her lots more, and see if you can get past this in the first place.

RubyWoo83

Project Werewolf wrote: »

No that would be the inhibition that stops you talking rubbish that was down right there. That's you, not the alcohol. Obviously you wouldn't do that sober because you'd look stupid but that's still part of your personality.

Yeah so I'm really very stupid with a tendency to talk rubbish but my inhibitions keep me from showing it... Get a grip would you :rolleyes:

Anyhow back on topic, OP doesn't need someones unfounded assumptions on why or why not his wife kissed this man. It's done now and he needs to deal with it for his childs sake.

P. Breathnach

OP and his wife are two unique persons, and general theories about the effects of alcohol or the proclivities of women to shift the burden of responsibility on to their partners might not apply in the case of their relationship.

But I'll offer another general opinion: we all have the potential to make big stupid mistakes. Some of us, through good management of our lives or through great good luck, manage to avoid realising that potential. OP's wife made what I would view as a middling-big mistake - a kiss, even a full-on kiss, is not the same degree of cheating as having sex with another man. Unless there is something missing in OP's description, she confessed her mistake to him, and was not evasive. That looks to me as if she is showing regret and accepting responsibility. It's relatively unimportant that she was drunk and says that she was feeling unloved at the time. That's the sort of thing anybody might say as a desperate plea of mitigation: she wants to be forgiven.

OP, one of my personal guidelines is that we all need to be forgiven from time to time for stupid things we do. In line with that, I try to forgive other people for their mistakes.

Try to forgive her. You can not forget this, but once you have forgiven her it should never be brought up again and used in any quarrel you have in the future.

dr cox

thank you all for you opinions, its helpful to hear another point of view, all I can say is I'm heartbroken and I feel a bond that we had is gone, once you throw paint on the canvas it never comes off. Even being in the city over Christmas made me feel ill, and passing where it happend was just sickining, I'll never go in that pub again. Its never out of my mind and for some reason I want to know every gory detail, why I want to know is beyond me. I've never been stuck by anything so hard, and If you knew me I'm no pussy. It sounds like a teenage rant but I dont know how I'll forgive her and I can never see my self with another woman she is my soul mate and my lady. gutted

RubyWoo83

dr cox wrote: »

thank you all for you opinions, its helpful to hear another point of view, all I can say is I'm heartbroken and I feel a bond that we had is gone, once you throw paint on the canvas it never comes off. Even being in the city over Christmas made me feel ill, and passing where it happend was just sickining, I'll never go in that pub again. Its never out of my mind and for some reason I want to know every gory detail, why I want to know is beyond me. I've never been stuck by anything so hard, and If you knew me I'm no pussy. It sounds like a teenage rant but I dont know how I'll forgive her and I can never see my self with another woman she is my soul mate and my lady. gutted

You sound like you really love your wife. Understandably you are feeling very hurt at the moment but I think in time the feelings of hurt won't be as strong.

You can get through this and maybe it's not such a bad thing is the paint never comes off the canvas, it's a reminder to you both of how much you mean to each other and what you risk to lose if anything like this happens again.

Project Werewolf

RubyWoo83 wrote: »

Yeah so I'm really very stupid with a tendency to talk rubbish but my inhibitions keep me from showing it... Get a grip would you :rolleyes:

Anyhow back on topic, OP doesn't need someones unfounded assumptions on why or why not his wife kissed this man. It's done now and he needs to deal with it for his childs sake.

You're the one who said you act like an idiot when you're drunk. Take some responsibility, you talk ****e when you're drunk, but that's you not the alcohol. Doesn't mean you're stupid when you're sober though.

RubyWoo83

Project Werewolf wrote: »

You're the one who said you act like an idiot when you're drunk. Take some responsibility, you talk ****e when you're drunk, but that's you not the alcohol. Doesn't mean you're stupid when you're sober though.

I take responsibility for drinking the alcohol no probs, doesn't really bother me that I talk ****e. In fact some of the randomers I've told I love have become good friends.

BUT if you take away the alcohol, the talking ****e is also removed, so how can you say the alcohol is not to blame?

italodisco

Okay,
A: there's no such thing as soulmates , only when you are 15 there is ....

B : if you can't forgive her then you have to leave her. There are other women out there and you will find someone , you are more affraid of being left alone and her being happy with someone else . That's the problem.

You can't stay with someone and be misserable because of kids or soulmate nonsense.

Neyite

Rubywoo & Project Werewolf, stop dragging the thread off topic. Take your differences to PM.

As you are new posters, please read the Charter and post accordingly or risk infraction.

Replies to the thread should be addressed to the OP and consist of constructive advice .

Cathy101

Alcohol is no excuse to do anything

No-one is perfect!!!!! Alcohol or no alcohol...

italodisco

By the way o.p that wasn't meant to be a cruel reply, just an honest one.

I know too many people that wasted their lives thinking like you are . DON'T.

You didn't do anything, why should you suffer, don't forget that.

Lorna123

Things happen when people have alcohol taken and none of us are perfect. Just because we are married doesn't mean we cannot fancy kissing someone else. Most of us won't act on it but there could be an occasion where we are lured into it and before we know it we are kissing someone else, not meaning any harm, just enjoying the kiss.

I know you are hurt OP, but I think you are over reacting to this. She still loves you so what's the big deal. Don't bother your head with the gory details, they meant nothing to her, so why moider yourself with them.

Just realize that we are all only human and we often make mistakes. Happy New Year.

Squ

italodisco wrote: »

Okay,
A: there's no such thing as soulmates , only when you are 15 there is

Feel sorry for you. I can tell you that after our first date, i thought "this could be the one".. And after 10 years together, i can confirm it..

In an advice tread, you're better off giving advice from experience, not speaking in qbsolutes.

Op, only you know how you feel about your wife (with or without the kiss). i don't see how folks here giving opinions on what you should do with your wife helps you.

Sittingpretty

I don't think anyone here advocating the "it was only a kiss" stance would feel that way if it were their husband/wife confessed this.

OP - this is terrible and I'm sure you are gutted and it IS a big deal if it's a big deal for you.

On the plus side, your wife was honest enough to tell you and from your post it does sound like it was a terrible mistake on her part.

I do think you can move on from this and the hurt will subside. You need to talk it out with her. She needs to know how much it has hurt and upset you and I suppose you need to know why she feels unloved. Once all that information is out there you both can work on moving on from this.

Also, she needs to commit to you that she won't get drunk enough to not be in control of herself in future. Not only is that a huge factor in her mistake, it's stupid and irresponsible.

Best of luck.

Oryx

italodisco wrote: »

Alcohol as an excuse AGAIN ....
Sorry, its NO EXCUSE.

It doesnt get this lady off the hook, no. We dont become someone else when drunk.

But it does provide a reasoning why something happened that might not have occurred if she were sober. Some underlying issue that she kept under wraps, reared its head when alcohol made her more uninhibited. Not an excuse 'sure, she was drunk'. But to me it is a signal that something is not right with her or the marriage, and a boozy night out brought one of the issues to the surface in the form of an illicit kiss.

dannyc31

OP the kiss is not really getting to the root cause of the issue here. the root cause is what needs to be teased out my sitting down and talking to her.

if she was feeling unloved then its coming from you i.e. she may of just felt unappreciated in the marriage. christmas is a highly emotional time for us all and things that were small during the year can become massive over the christmas period and so when our guards are low and emotions are high, thing like this can happen.

i'm not excusing her for what she did but i feel its more a cry for help on her part. there is something she is not happy about in the marriage and as i said above you need to sit down and really listen to her and how she is feeling. it could even be early symptons of depression so you need to be understanding and patient with her if you want things to get back on track.

best of luck.

RoscommonTom

You poor creature you must be raging with het. Like the other fellas are saying its a good sign that she's been honest with you and teling you about it. It sounds like she regrets it and it does sound like she had a good few pints in so she probably deserves to be let off with it this time

ManOfMystery

Sittingpretty wrote: »

I don't think anyone here advocating the "it was only a kiss" stance would feel that way if it were their husband/wife confessed this.

In fairness, I don't think anyone replying here has really downplayed the seriousness of what she did. A kiss may only be a kiss, but she's married and there's no argument that it's still a huge betrayal. And no matter what our personal opinions on it are, what matters is how the OP has taken it - and he's clearly cut up about it.

Whether the OP is viewing things in black and white (a drunken kiss is no different to a night of mad passionate sex - they're both cheating) .................... or in shades of grey (a kiss is more of a misdemeanour than a serious crime like full sex, or having an affair) ......................... well, only he can answer that. That will ultimately influence how he moves on from this.

If there's any hope of forgiveness and recovering the relationship, he will have to accept that we all make mistakes at times - some more serious than others - and sometimes if people are genuinely sorry, taking responsibility, unlikely to repeat their mistake and there is a lot at stake - it's worth giving that person a second chance.

IrishEyes19

I normally would never condone cheating ever and I still dont. But I totally disagree with certain posters here. Firstly alcohol does cause you to act out of the norm. It's a mind altering drug at the end of the day. people forget that. Was she right? God no. She should have drank more responsibility, should have been more aware. totally agree with that. what she did was wrong, yes.

However, does she feel unloved. Maybe she does. does she have pressures going on in her life right now. Its easy for anyone to sit behind a laptop and say dont fall for that excuse, but none of us have any idea what your home is like, OP, or what she feels or you feel.

Im so sorry how torn up you are right now. Firstly, I think its a good sign she told you. It tells me straight away she knows she did something wrong and wanted to put it right. you need to sit down with her and ask her directly whats going on, is there something else she needs to discuss.
at least do it for yourself, because Im sure its tearing you up right now. Wish you the best of luck

a posse ad esse

RubyWoo83 wrote: »

I take responsibility for drinking the alcohol no probs, doesn't really bother me that I talk ****e. In fact some of the randomers I've told I love have become good friends.

BUT if you take away the alcohol, the talking ****e is also removed, so how can you say the alcohol is not to blame?

It's plain and simple if alcohol is the problem than don't drink! I know quite a few people who would act aggressively and stupidly wth drink and learned to take RESPONSIBILITY for their actions. Not once they blame the alcohol they blame themselves for drinking alcohol that caused unpredictable behaviour. It's common sense if people cannot behave with drink than it is simple as don't drink.

OP, you know your wife and the state of your marriage more than anyone else on this thread. There are times when most couples are consumed with work and taking care of the children that they end up neglecting their relationships. My mother would often say to me never put your marriage last. There were times in my 7 year marriage where we let things slide but we openly communicate about anything that feels different instead of ignore it and hope for the best where we may do things that we regret later on. If your wife did indeed felt unloved than why was it hard for her to speak honestly and openly to you about it before kissing somebody else? So maybe you both would benefit with couples counselling and how to improve the lines of communication with one another?

Neyite

italodisco wrote: »

Alcohol as an excuse AGAIN ....
Sorry, its NO EXCUSE.

italodisco wrote: »

I don't need u to feel sorry for me.

When I met my misses I knew she was the right match for me , we clicked every way and it felt so right.

That doesn't mean I'm immature enough to get into all that 'soulmate' romantic movie crap.

If you're right for each other then that's it.

Simple. Very .

italodisco, here is a reminder of my warning upthread.:

Neyite wrote: »

Replies to the thread should be addressed to the OP and consist of constructive advice .

I've deleted these posts as they offered no advice whatsoever to the OP.

EVERYONE: stop bickering between yourselves on thread instead of offering constructive, helpful advice to the OP.

Toast4532

Personally I couldn't forgive my partner if he kissed another person and certainly wouldn't forgive him if he slept with anyone else either.

I firmly believe that you are responsible for your own actions and drink/being drunk is no excuse either.

There is something terribly wrong in your marriage/life that your wife went out and kissed another man, you should work together to try and find what the problem is and then go about resolving that problem, if it is resolvable.

Would you consider couples counselling?

I would also suggest that your wife takes a long hard look at her drinking and if she can (or can't, in this case) control her behaviour while under the influence, then perhaps she may wish to quit drinking, for good, or until she can have some self control for her behavior while under the influence.

I haven't read all the replies to this thread so apologies if this has been said already.

Taltos

Hi Toast4532

while we appreciate your advice we do ask all posters to ensure that they have read all replies to ensure a few things. Firstly that they don't give advice on a topic that has been updated or resolved and secondly to reduce duplicate advice.

Thanks
Taltos

Scanlas The 2nd

dannyc31 wrote: »

OP the kiss is not really getting to the root cause of the issue here. the root cause is what needs to be teased out my sitting down and talking to her.

if she was feeling unloved then its coming from you i.e. she may of just felt unappreciated in the marriage. christmas is a highly emotional time for us all and things that were small during the year can become massive over the christmas period and so when our guards are low and emotions are high, thing like this can happen.

i'm not excusing her for what she did but i feel its more a cry for help on her part. there is something she is not happy about in the marriage and as i said above you need to sit down and really listen to her and how she is feeling. it could even be early symptons of depression so you need to be understanding and patient with her if you want things to get back on track.

best of luck.

Maybe the root cause is simply that kissing people you find attractive is enjoyable and exciting. Maybe there is absolutely nothing wrong with their relationship, she got tempted by the excitement of it and went for it in the moment. Maybe in another moment she wouldn't have.

Also if your wife blames the drink then I'd tell her that you expect her to quit drinking.

Nervous Nigel

There seems to be a serious lack of recognition of the scale of the "crime" in many of the posts.

She kissed a guy and then told her husband straight away. Was it wrong? Of course. But that's as far as it went, and she was upfront about it.

The "kissing someone is wrong and so is sleeping with someone" posts miss the point that kissing someone and sleeping someone are at the two extremes of the spectrum. Kissing someone and sleeping with someone are like shoplifting and genocide.

The OP and his wife have a child and they're married. That's worth much much more than anything. In my view, the OP and his wife should try and find a babysitter for a few days, take a break somewhere and look to rekindle their love for each other and establish why she feels unloved.

I'm not a married woman (or even a woman!), but maybe if I was neck deep in nappies, dirty clothes, child vomit and housework, and during a rare night out when I'm dolled up and tipsy for once some handsome stranger showed me some attention, I might kiss him in a moment of madness just to feel "like a girl" again.

OP, you feel like this is the end of your world but it isn't. Consider what you have and the positives and fight for it.

Nidge

RubyWoo83

Nervous Nigel wrote: »

There seems to be a serious lack of recognition of the scale of the "crime" in many of the posts.

+1 in the great scheme of things it's only a drunken snog. Ye'll sort things out one the dust settles

username123

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

Maybe the root cause is simply that kissing people you find attractive is enjoyable and exciting. Maybe there is absolutely nothing wrong with their relationship, she got tempted by the excitement of it and went for it in the moment. Maybe in another moment she wouldn't have.

Also if your wife blames the drink then I'd tell her that you expect her to quit drinking.

+1 to this.

A drunken snog in the heat of the moment is very different to cheating where there is a considered deceit involving texting, clandestine meetings, and a full on attempt to pull the wool over the others eyes.

This was a stupid mistake. However, if people make stupid mistakes when they are drunk then perhaps they need to look at their drinking habits? Its possible the OPs wife rarely drinks so on this occasion the drink hit her like a ton of bricks and it was way out of the ordinary. People do stupid things while drunk, its not an excuse, if she had flashed her boobs to the pub it would have been an equally impulsive and stupid thing to do. I wouldnt be saying you cant blame the drink, but I would be saying, dont get so drunk.

In the scheme of things, how big a crime is it? A stupid impulsive snog, while drunk, that she admitted to immediately. Against an 8 year marriage with a child. Its not the end of the world imo.

LegacyUser

Some of the responses here are staggering. What it with the assumption that 8 years into a marriage kissing someone under the influence is “wrong.” Avoiding the morality of it, which is impossible to gage seeing as t he harm done is entirely measurable along the lines of how the jealous party perceives it, is it so out there to kiss someone else after 8 years of marriage, is it so outrageous to want to feel that again?

Could it be argued that expect to be everything to someone until their death is an arrogant stance to take, an unreasonable expectation?

How can you forgive it? Forgiveness starts with empathy, see yourself in her, and take it from there.

MistyCheese

different viewpoint wrote: »

Could it be argued that expect to be everything to someone until their death is an arrogant stance to take, an unreasonable expectation?

No. It's perfectly reasonable to expect fidelity from your spouse until death you do part. In fact, very often it's part of the vows that the couple make.

Amy33

People on this forum are admiring your wife for admitting what she did, but my immediate thought would be she only came clean because she was afraid you would find out from somebody else. The people she was out with were likely to say it to somebody you knew or maybe someone you knew happened to be a customer in the pub that night. People love to talk and cheaters usually only come clean out of fear of their partner hearing what they did from someone else.

Halo Kitty

To be honest i feel for both of you, She must be dealing with guilt and remorse, and you trying to come to terms with dealing with the issue of a Kiss, but I feel it is too early to decide on what if any actions you can take, Yes you can walk away now filled with anger, mistrust, and possibly hatred, and many other feelings and emotions, but can you really turn your back on an 8 year marriage without tryng to come to terms with the reason behind that Kiss,
IS it a cry for help in your relationship, is there other issues going on in your marriage that maybe you have not noted, I think taking a step back and asking yourself can you forgive and forget and move on.
If you could fast forward 6 mths. Can you see yourself having a life with your partner again, if you can I wish both of ye the best, and start communicating and less finger pointing and blame.

WumBuster

Op,with the risk of upsetting a hornets nest, people cheat all the time. Not all people in long term relationships but the odds are that one of the two of you would have cheated somewhere or to some degree eventually.As it happened it came in the form of your wife having a drunken kiss in a bar. Anyway, thats done.
She came clean about it to you straight away, which is a good sign which means that she feels guilty and values your relationship and wants it to continue. Imagine if she'd told you out of the blue that she had been having an affair and was going to leave you for this other guy? Then you wouldnt be sleeping for a month. Just put it down to a human error and move on, quickly.

The Corinthian

I think there is some confusion between contributing factors or causes and justifications or excuses, to begin with. The OP's wife "feeling unloved" is a cause, as is her being drunk when it happened (a final catalyst that pushed her over the edge), but whether they excuse or justify the infidelity is another matter.

I think no one, even those who were arguing about drunkenness earlier, would claim that drunkenness justifies infidelity, however "feeling unloved" may. For example, a married couple, where one spouse indefinitely refuses all sexual intimacy can likely result in infidelity, and truth be told, many (if not most) would actually consider this infidelity justified under those circumstances.

Of course, we don't really know what this "feeling unloved" means, we have no explanation of it here and it could be something very serious or the petulant desires of someone who misses the romance of the early years of marriage, and thus seeks that excitement elsewhere. IMHO, the OP should discuss this with his wife to see what exactly she means as a first step.

Secondly, either he forgives her or he doesn't. If he doesn't, then there are consequences to that - a marital breakup - and any marital breakup will involve not only financial consequences, but also (given they have at least one child together) familial consequences. Is he willing to only see his children on the weekend?

Personally, it was only a kiss and one to which she came clean on (as far as I understand) quite quickly. I'd personally get over it quite quickly, but naturally can't comment on the OP or others. Nonetheless, I would suggest he tries to do so, because - if for no other reason - of the aforementioned consequences of not getting over it.

johnr1

Every relationship, and more importantly every person is different, and arguing over what is right for someone else's situation is pointless.

For example me: I was in just the situation Corinthian describes for 3 years but I didn't cheat. I certainly wanted to, certainly had opportunities to, but I didnt because whatever was going on at home, I had more respect for my then wife.
In my current relationship, my gf and I are of the same opinion- that is that any act of cheating however small or big is a straight red card offence. That is our choice, and how can anyone else presume to say that this attitude is wrong?

Same goes for the OP, only he can decide if this is something he can forgive. In my opinion, going by the evidence, and the likely consequences of not forgiving this, he would probably be better off if he could, but that is for him to decide. I know I couldnt, having been the cheated-on many many years ago, and what the effort to forgive while picturing what went on did to my self-worth at the time.

I also have experience of a marriage breakup, and the subsequent financial ruin which usually befalls men in that situation. That's not pleasurable either.