Friend with alcohol issues

holyhead

I have been friends with a girl who is an alcoholic for over two years. The penny has finally dropped that she has been availing of any help I have offered without feeling morally obliged to reciprocate. I am a soft person in general and feel a strong emotional attachment to this girl. I look on her as a sister and have tried to tackle her bout her alcoholism. It gets turned around to where Im the one with the problem.
Her circumstances have gradually deteriorated since I got to know her. Her relationships with men dont sustain or lead to anything meaningful. She always seems to get men to help her financially.
I did so myself, in the guise of a loan. I have stopped taking her for dinner as it dawned on me that wine was the real attraction not my company. Do I need to find the strength to disconnect from her or is there an alternative path to travel.

tony81

Keep your money to yourself! It's the 21st Century. You'll soon learn if she's friends with you, or if she just takes money from you like the other guys she's been taking money from. I don't think she sees you as a big brother.. just someone who can temporarily make her problems disappear.

Regarding the "loan"... Neither a borrower nor a lender be. When someone is in debt to you they will begin to resent you for putting them in that situation. They also hold some power over you if it's actually a loan you want repaid. Either way.. friends and money don't mix.

Also, I found from personal experience that when you try to help someone with certain problems, in the beginning they're grateful, however before you know it they'll also start to resent you. They'll see it as criticism and become defensive. They might try to build themselves up by putting you down.. or they might turn around and blame you (for buying the drink, or for lending the money).. just keep out of the problem!

I think the best solution is to keep her at arms length. Instead, be available when she needs you. Carefully consider any requests (e.g. instead of replying "yes" to "can I ask you a favour", simply reply "what is it?").. don't be forced into anything. Take time to think even if it means saying "I'll get back to you on that". Allow her to volunteer information if she is looking for advice, and if she doesn't ask for your advice don't bother giving it.

Once you have decided the terms of your friendship it is up to her to decide whether that is good enough for her.

In short, keep your money to yourself, don't be a fool for her, and don't let her cause you undue stress. If you can't handle her or her situation it might be a good idea to let her drift off.

Morag

Al anon is not just for people who have family members or partners who have issues with alcoholic but anyone who has someone in thier life who is an alcoholic.

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/meetings.htm

holyhead

Thanks Tony. Its been months since I helped her financially. Its been maybe two months since we were out and I bought her alcohol. She has said on various cards that she regards me as a brother. However given that she has a drink problem I should take this with a pinch of salt in all probability.
I regret to say that keeping this girl at arms length if probably good advice. I have to put myself and my own inner peace first. Thanks for your reply.

Roisy7

Have a google of detaching with love. First heard of it in one of Sally Brampton's columns in the Sunday Times. There are strategies that can enable to you to withdraw from this toxic friendship.

I know it's heartbreaking to watch someone engage in such self-destructive behaviour, but in essence, she needs to accept that she has a problem. You can't force her to do so

Eden3

I totally agree with above posts re. not helping financially anymore and it's awful she's in self-destruct mode, but I totally disagree with parting with the friendship - for God's sake, now is the most important time she needs a friend!

Tell her how you are feeling and more importantly how she is behaving! Tell her she needs help and that you will help her as long as she will help herself get better!

This is what you should do, in my opinion.

Good luck

holyhead

Eden time and again I have stated to my friend that I think she is an alcoholic. She flat out denies this and continues drinking regardless. She hangs out with the bums at the bar. Older men who can hold their drink and who I would imagine laugh at her behind her back. There is one young guy she hangs around with. He is crazy about her but she sees him as a means to an end, he takes her for meals, no doubt buys alcohol etc.
I think distance is the best remedy. I can't help someone who wont accept she has a problem. It has gradually dawned on me that I hear from her when she wants something. Not really a good basis for a solid friendship though I frame her actions against the backdrop of her being an active alcoholic.

purplepapillon

holyhead wrote: »

I regret to say that keeping this girl at arms length if probably good advice. I have to put myself and my own inner peace first.

This must be really difficult for you holyhead. I think you realise what you must do. My ex had issues with alcohol which permeated our entire relationship. It really can't be a separate entity as it is such a force in an alcoholic. I didn't realise how much that person can depend on you when all you want to do is help. Sometimes people can't be helped. As much as you'd like to help your friend on her road to recovery, only she can start on that road, and while she's not there, you can't help with this.

Roisy7 wrote: »

Have a google of detaching with love. First heard of it in one of Sally Brampton's columns in the Sunday Times. There are strategies that can enable to you to withdraw from this toxic friendship.

I know it's heartbreaking to watch someone engage in such self-destructive behaviour, but in essence, she needs to accept that she has a problem. You can't force her to do so

I had never read about this, but it really resonates with me, as I'm sure it will with you OP. It's difficult to stay in a friendship/relationship with an alcoholic whilst they're at that stage, and it's heartbreaking to detach. I still chat to my ex from time to time, mainly by text/email, but I have found some peace by breaking up with him and detaching my feelings from his alcoholism. I can chat now more as a friend, and will meet for coffee sometimes, never go anywhere where drink is available, it just doesn't work.

I hope you can be strong and decide what's best for you. It doesn't have to mean the end of your friendship necessarily. You do have to protect yourself emotionally though and distance is required for that.

Best of luck

holyhead

Having allowed myself time to reflect I can now see from the inside looking out what others can see from the outside looking in. Friends and family felt our friendship was bad for me. I saw the good in her and do to some extent. I can see that her quality of life has deteriorated since I met her. Her drinking has escalated. Her gf/bf relationships dont last. Of course its never her fault.
I can see that she uses and manipulates people for her own ends. When they have served their purpose she moves on to someone else. People seem to vanish out of her life either through her own instigation or they see through her.
Any anger I feel towards her is offset by the knowledge that her existence is a miserable one and she leads a horrific life. Both through the misuse of alcohol and how she uses people. I dont regret helping her for as long as I could. Instead I shall let it be a life lesson. I will in future be more measured in my dealings. Get to know the person better. Accept signs when they appear and not brush them aside so easily. Onwards and upwards for me at least.
Sadly I dont see her seeking help any time soon. As I have alluded to people will drift in and out of her life as circumstances dictate. I can only wish her well for the future and hope she hits rock bottom sooner than later so as she may begin the long road back to having a life.

holyhead

I left a month go by without talking to her. I phoned her up this week just to see she was ok. She sounded fine. Didn't lecture her. I used the month to reflect. On some levels I would feel anger towards her and how she treats people. On another level I'm much more relaxed about her situation. People lead the lives the wish to lead, as a rule. I don't feel compelled to lecture her any more. I'm happy just to play observer from a distance. Judging from the conversation we had she is still using people. Thankfully its not me any longer. I will keep in touch once a month just to check that she is ok. I grew very close to her on a platonic level and will always feel concerned about her. Here's hoping the penny drops or she hits rock bottom soon. Then she can begin to turn her life around. Where there is life there is hope or so they say

doubter

holyhead wrote: »

I left a month go by without talking to her. I phoned her up this week just to see she was ok. She sounded fine. Didn't lecture her. I used the month to reflect. On some levels I would feel anger towards her and how she treats people. On another level I'm much more relaxed about her situation. People lead the lives the wish to lead, as a rule. I don't feel compelled to lecture her any more. I'm happy just to play observer from a distance. Judging from the conversation we had she is still using people. Thankfully its not me any longer. I will keep in touch once a month just to check that she is ok. I grew very close to her on a platonic level and will always feel concerned about her. Here's hoping the penny drops or she hits rock bottom soon. Then she can begin to turn her life around. Where there is life there is hope or so they say

Alcoholism, like drug addiction, is a disease. She will have to stop by her own decision.Only than will any help she can get fall on decent ground. As long as there are people around her, as long as she is not completely alone, she will not hit rock bottom.I would strongly suggest you withdraw completely, but tell her why. If you want to help her, you have to let go.

holyhead

My connection with this girl has now broken down completely. I suggested to her via text one morning not to mix alcohol and medication. She got it into her head that I had insulted her. She is on painkilling prescription meds from the doc which to me is medication though she says otherwise. She savaged me after work on text over a six hour period. Told me f... off, f... you, called me a child, idiot etc. Now thankfully I never replied in an agressive fashion and kept my replies civilised. The only good thing is I think this has given me the strength to disconnect from her. Her messages were really vile egged on by a friend who doesn't like me.
I still sad for my friend but her messages were rank out of order.

kjl

Hi OP,

be truthful now, if not here to yourself. Do you have feelings more that just friendship with her? Did she maybe put you in this pretend brother/sister category?

If this is the case she knows about your feelings and she is using you. Drop her now, she sounds like a lot of hassle. We all been there mate, the trick is to realise it.

holyhead

kjl wrote: »

Hi OP,

be truthful now, if not here to yourself. Do you have feelings more that just friendship with her? Did she maybe put you in this pretend brother/sister category?

If this is the case she knows about your feelings and she is using you. Drop her now, she sounds like a lot of hassle. We all been there mate, the trick is to realise it.

The bro/sis thing has allowed us to engage without either feeling uncomfortable. She would be regarded as good looking but as I'm no longer 20 I can see that she is someone I could never settle down with. Even outside the alcohol situation we appear to have a different value system. I don't hate her, despite the various stressful episodes, but I dont love in the boy meets girl way. Not at all.
The last episode has given me the strength to want to keep her at arms length. She doesn't want help as she doesn't realise she has a problem. Therefore no one, me included, can do anything for her. I can only wish her the best in the future and observe from distance. I like the quiet life.

username123

holyhead wrote: »

She doesn't want help as she doesn't realise she has a problem.

Actually, given her reaction to you with the abusive texts Id suggest she knows well she has a problem. Alcoholics like to over react in a bullying manner to any perceived threat to the habit. She cant agree that mixing booze and meds is not good because that would be admitting there is a problem to be addressed.

Youre better off out of this. She doesnt want help because her addiction is more important to her than any friendship. Psychic vampires, thats what these people are, constantly sucking the life out of the people in their lives. Perceived slights and insults to protect the habit. Its tiring, unless it was a blood relation or a wife, why bother?

I wish you a peaceful life.

holyhead

username123 wrote: »

Actually, given her reaction to you with the abusive texts Id suggest she knows well she has a problem.

Thanks Username yes you are right to suggest she does realise she has a problem. I was incorrect to think otherwise. I guess its more accurate to say she doesnt want to admit she has a problem. Anytime I think of going soft I look at the messages. They were vulgar and vile, not all but most.

username123

holyhead wrote: »

Thanks Username yes you are right to suggest she does realise she has a problem. I was incorrect to think otherwise. I guess its more accurate to say she doesnt want to admit she has a problem. Anytime I think of going soft I look at the messages. They were vulgar and vile, not all but most.

Denial - its a completely bizarre and strong mental phenomena. Any threat to the habit - escalate the reaction to get the other person to back down. Its really not a nice position for you to have been in at all. Keep those messages close because she will probably come crawling back next time she wants something.

holyhead

You are so right Username. She is strongly in informed denial. I have been very kind to her and I've noticed contact was initiated when she wanted something. It can take time for the penny to drop but it has dropped for me and yes I shall keep the messages, nasty and all as they are as a reminder of why distance is the best policy.

username123

Holyhead, bear in mind you were only being a decent person. And that your friend has an addiction that is stronger than any bonds of friendship. Im quite sure she does not want to be in the position she is in either. But she is too enshrined in the alcohol to recognise that. The main thing is that you have accepted you cant do anything about it.

Its not nice cutting someone loose but sometimes we have to do it for our own mental health.

holyhead

Thanks Username. Her messages are the best help she could give me to help keep her at distance. It is hard to cut ties but my mental health must come first.

holyhead

I sent my friend a brief email stating that it was best we followed different paths and wished her well in the future. Not easy to do but ultimately its the best thing for me. She'll either ignore it or I will be subjected to another dose of verbal abuse. Either way I am finished with her. Life is too short to be treated with disprespect.

LegacyUser

Holyhead you have done the right thing here.
A person with a drink problem will just keep using other people.

Unless a person who has a drink problem realises that they have a problem and wants to get help it will be all your fault when you point out to them what they are doing.
You can tell them you were drunk, you did this or that, your boyfriend broke up with you, you lost your job ect but they don't care.
Some times you have to end a friendship for the sake of your own mental health.