Scared of making the wrong choice

LegacyUser

I'm not sure where to start with this except to say that I feel like I'm missing a piece of myself at the moment. I have a gaping hole in my life where my best friend and other half used to be.

7 years ago I met a woman called Jane who I fell in love with. We hardly spent a day apart since that time until this time last year.

About 5 years ago I asked her to marry me and much to my delight at the time she said yes. We were mostly happy and had been through a lot of stuff which we had helped each other through.

At every stage through our relationship we fought about things. Mostly stupid things but there were always fights. Maybe I hadn't hoovered the house as planned, or she would be bossing me around, etc. Most of these fights would be resolved over time (like for example when we started going out we couldn't both be in the kitchen at the same time when cooking was going on. Today we would operate in tandem were we to cook a meal together.

Almost always when we would argue it was completely unconstructive. Once she got into argumentative mode it wouldn’t matter what I said, she’d argue.

We both knew how to push each other’s buttons and in a sense (although not consciously, became masters at it.) Arguments would get very heated and eventually ended up with slamming doors or shouting, or both. Occasionally there was name calling, although that wasn't really something we did a huge amount of.

It was like she could push my buttons until I reached a point at which I completely lost my cool and became someone else. But for all that it was (in my opinion) more heated than your average couple fight we would always eventually apologise to each other and make up.

I don't think I'm being unfair to either of us by saying we're both quite hot headed and argumentative in nature, and we lost so much time of our lives fighting over things that really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

Then about 3 years ago I lost my job. At the time I was engaged to Jane and lived with her in her house, where I paid half of all bills, including the mortgage. It was "our" home, not in part because she had bought it literally just before we met. We had a dog and a life together there. I helped improve the house and even built a deck in the back garden.
I couldn't face going back to work in another job similar to the one I had had prior to being made redundant. I had hated it, but stayed in the job because of the bills etc and a sense of responsibility towards our lives together.

With no jobs around for the taking and a panic about the possibility of ending up in another job like the last one I’d had, I decided to start my own business. Jane was very supportive. I worked night and day to get the biz off the ground and was just starting to actually make progress about 6 months after I started. Finally there was a tiny glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel but unfortunately 6 months was all I really had in terms of redundancy money to pay for my bills. I buried my head in the sand and kept working away, hoping that I’d make enough money before the proverbial walls came crashing in on me.

Jane paid the bills when I couldn’t for two months, but gave me nothing but hassle about getting a job. To her credit she never once complained about paying for all the bills herself but inside she felt like I had let her down by not honouring my agreement to look for a job after 6 months if I wasn't self-sufficient. Two months later I was just about self-sufficient and began paying my half of the bills and also made a plan to pay Jane back for the 2 or 3 months of extra bills she had paid on my behalf.

2011 passed with regular difficulty. I was working all the time to try and make more money. She had completely shut down to me from the point of view of me being able to talk to her about the business and what I was doing. If I brought the subject up at all, it was 100% guaranteed we would have a fight. She, on a regular basis made it clear to me that she thought I should give up the business and just find a job and do the responsible thing.

Money was still difficult because of cashflow shortages. Money would come in and I knew I could pay bills but just not always on time. I paid her into her account so when the bills came out and my money wasn't in there her account got wiped out. That put stress on her and she was not afraid to let me know about it. In her defence she had had her hours at work reduced to part time, so money was tight all around.

Cue Jan 2012 and things had reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't listen to one more conversation where I was the bad guy for starting a business that she had originally supported me in. I couldn't (and wouldn't) abandon my business because I had invested so much time and effort in it and genuinely knew I would be successful at it if I kept going. Giving up would have meant that all that I had done and gone through would have been for nothing.

Jane felt her (our) life was on pause and had felt like that for 2 years. No planning (read: saving) for a wedding, or for the travelling we were going to do on our honeymoon. No moving back up to Dublin again. She was unhappy about it and fought with me about other stuff as a result on a regular basis.

I decided that there was no way two people who loved each other and were meant to be together could possibly fight as much and in the way we did. I decided to leave and move in with a friend. Even though we haven’t been living together for basically all of 2012, we did meet up on a weekly basis and talked/texted regularly on the phone. Anytime we’d try and “discuss things” it would end in a fight of some description. In turn I would usually leave.

It was a very hard year emotionally speaking. I moved most of my stuff out in June but took receipt of the last batch of items that were mine a week before Christmas. Despite all the anger and the feelings of being let down, we both still love each other. I would do anything for her and I know she would be the same for me.

To say it’s heart breaking would be understating it by epic proportion. I feel like a part of myself is missing. I’ve lost my best friend and my partner in crime. The woman I asked to marry me and the person who I believed once upon a time to be my soul mate. At the start of December we had a chat that basically said that if we weren’t moving forward then we should go our separate ways.

I can’t reconcile how I can feel the way I do now and on a regular basis over the course of the last year, with how I felt back in Jan 2012. I left a number of times prior to Jan 2012 but usually Jane would basically come and find me and talk me into coming back. She wasn’t prepared to give up on us as easily as I seemed to be.

Now I don’t know what to do. I think I could probably still win her back but I don’t know if I should. I want to but there is not a single doubt in my mind that over the course of a life together that we will face equally large challenges down the road and what then? Will I leave again? I can’t say I definitely won’t, so I don’t feel it would be fair for me to do that to her again.

I love her so much and although I haven’t wanted to, I’ve hurt her (emotionally, never physically!).

I am a very responsible person, but I can’t reconcile that view of myself with someone who would leave his fiancée. I always thought if there was love everything else could be worked out but now I’m not so sure. Now I think that you also need to have compatible personality types. Two hot heads do not make for a peaceful life.

What do you think I should do?

Dare2baDaniel

I'm too young to have experienced marriage, but I did have a live in partner who I separated from a while ago. We went through a seriously tough time with money when we were living together, he couldn't get a job and I was paying everything. I had very little money myself because I was a full time student and was trying to support us both on a student loan (not easy!). My mum even had to bail us out one month when we had no food money left after paying our rent.

I know how stressful money situations can get. We were constantly arguing. It is hard because when money is tight you can't go out for dates like you used to. No dinner/cinema/theater, and if you do, one person pays for everything, which doesn't feel right.

Issues with money is a big hurdle that you have to learn to work through and stick together if you want a successful marriage. If you feel like you will walk when problems arise again then you should not marry.

But it sounds like you really love and want to be with her, maybe you two could think about going to see a counselor about your arguments? It might teach you both how to resolve arguments without them descending into screaming matches. You never know what could happen, it is always better to try everything. If you don't you might get to a few years down the line and wonder, what if we had tried this?

Best of luck!

Lorna123

I think that you are just longing for a soulmate and you are trying to convince yourself that your ex is the one because it would be handy for you to get back with her. You have tried this in the past and it didn't work out and you know in your heart that it won't work out in the future but you are reluctant to leave the past behind. That is understandable. It is lonely to be out there on your own looking for a soulmate. However, I think you should start looking and give yourself another year to see how it goes. Running back to something you know won't work out is not the way to go. There are tons of other women out there whom you would be more compatable with if you gave yourself a chance. Best of Luck.