How does he really feel??

msmithdec12

Hi all i'm new to this so please bare with me

I've really fallen for a friend. We were originally friends then obv one thing led to another and we kissed etc. I fell for him big time and told him how i felt about him and he explained he didn't feel the same so there wasn't really much i could do. We continued been friends even though it was so hard for me because my feelins were so strong. I kept my distance for a while but again we ended up together. Again i said i cannot keep putting myself through this. Does he have any sort of feelins for me or is it just(as much as i don't want to hear this) that i am there when he wants something. We do spend ALOT of time together going out alone, dinner, cinema, road trips etc. He did tell me he had asked someone else out but she said no. Am i just clutching at straws here?

I think i am in love with him this is the hardest part. I don't no what i'd do if he started going out with someone else. I'd be hearbroken

Lucyfur

Hi msmithdec12,

Welcome to Boards I've moved your thread to Relationship Issues. I think you'll find better answers here. All the best

judgefudge

I think you need to take him on his word here. If he has said that he doesn't feel the same, and he's asking other girls out, then you should accept that as the truth. If he was into you I'd imagine he'd say it. Sorry if that's not the answer you want, but there's no point looking for signs that he likes you when he has made it clear he doesn't. In that way anyway.

For your own sake, don't hook up with him again. You may need to cool down on how much time you spend together too if you want to move on from him.

spankysue

I don't think he's using you per se because he has made it clear that he doesn't have romantic feelings towards you, imo however he is using you for company, because he knows that you'll come running whenever he wants you.

I'd back away from this if I were you OP, you deserve to be someone's number 1 choice, not their back up.

Best of luck whatever you do

msmithdec12

Yeah not really what i wanted to hear. I guess i was just clutching at straws. I just don't understand why he wants to spend so much time with me takes me out for dinner insists on paying and will do anything for me. I gues the only way i'm going to get over this is just cut all ties as it is upsetting me

squonk

Hi OP, yes you need to cut ties. He's simply not being fair to you. You hooked up once which is understandable and maybe a mistake on his part but further slip ups are inexcusable.

Where I'm coming from is that there is a certain understanding in this sort of situation. You're vulnerable so the onus falls on the other person to treat you with respect, let you have space to clear your head and work through your issues. Shifting you when it suits is way off the mark and to an extent doing date type things with you is as well, if he knows you're not fully moved on.

He's not interested if he's telling you he is asking others out but it also sounds like he's content to have you there as a default until something better comes along. You're not worth having a relationship with but you'll do fine for the odd shift and as a 'safe date' for dinner/movies etc as he gets out and about but you want something more.

Ultimately this comes down to a choice. Is this friendship worth keeping? Is it deep enough otherwise that you'd miss it if it was no longer there? Don't answer Yes straight away. Being in love predisposes you to say yes of course but does it benefit you more widely in our life? My two cents is that he's not being a great friend really and in my experience, once he realizes he no longer has a bit of power over you, you won't hear much from him and what you think now is a strong friendship will cool considerably. You may still remain friends but drift apart quite a bit.

A true friend and one who is worth keeping will have enough respect for you to care for your feelings and be there for you but will let you dictate the pace of things. At the very least now you'll need to cut contact for an extended period to rediscover 'single independent you' and only then will you be capable of resuming the friendship. If he's a good friend he'll be cool with all of that.

Roisy7

squonk wrote: »

Hi OP, yes you need to cut ties. He's simply not being fair to you. You hooked up once which is understandable and maybe a mistake on his part but further slip ups are inexcusable.

Where I'm coming from is that there is a certain understanding in this sort of situation. You're vulnerable so the onus falls on the other person to treat you with respect, let you have space to clear your head and work through your issues. Shifting you when it suits is way off the mark and to an extent doing date type things with you is as well, if he knows you're not fully moved on.

He's not interested if he's telling you he is asking others out but it also sounds like he's content to have you there as a default until something better comes along. You're not worth having a relationship with but you'll do fine for the odd shift and as a 'safe date' for dinner/movies etc as he gets out and about but you want something more.

Ultimately this comes down to a choice. Is this friendship worth keeping? Is it deep enough otherwise that you'd miss it if it was no longer there? Don't answer Yes straight away. Being in love predisposes you to say yes of course but does it benefit you more widely in our life? My two cents is that he's not being a great friend really and in my experience, once he realizes he no longer has a bit of power over you, you won't hear much from him and what you think now is a strong friendship will cool considerably. You may still remain friends but drift apart quite a bit.

A true friend and one who is worth keeping will have enough respect for you to care for your feelings and be there for you but will let you dictate the pace of things. At the very least now you'll need to cut contact for an extended period to rediscover 'single independent you' and only then will you be capable of resuming the friendship. If he's a good friend he'll be cool with all of that.

Excellent advice, Squonk. OP don't fall into a trap with this guy, I know it is hard to understand why would someone be so nice to you and not want anything more, but unfortunately this type of situation arises from time to time.

Whether consciously or not, it could be that he sees your attentions as a bit of an ego boost. It seems he wants the benefits of having a girlfriends (dinner, shifting, cinema) without the actual hard work.

This going to sound very very harsh but here it is: If he wanted you, he'd be with you. He wouldn't have asked another girl out. He would have asked you out. Don't kid yourself that this about saving your friendship or anything like that. If he felt the way you do about him, he'd be going out with you.

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation, it's horrible. I think you do need to distance from him now. I know that you're in love but these feelings can and do fade. I'm not going to say it'll be easy but the alternative is worse. There is someone else out there who will give you all his love, you just haven't met him yet

"Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option". x

IrishEyes19

This is such a grey area, OP, people can side with the person who wants fun because they said it directly and others side with the person who keeps going back for more.

tbh, cut the ties now. He won't want more and as much as I feel for you, it will end in tears. I think deep down, you know you deserve better. Just walk away. Dont be dramatic about it. Be calm and say it directly. rarely do these scenarios work in the favour of the person who wants more.

msmithdec12

hi all thanks for all your advice. I agree that i need to distance myself but it is not from the lack of trying . I have not returned his calls/texts and he will just come to my door. Ive explained to him that i need space just for a while but he said he said he doesn't want to lose me that our friendship means too much to him. Tonight he rang to ask me if i wanted to go out for dinner or call over i just said i had over plans. It took alot for me to say it....
I just wish i could just turn back time and not have ever met him or even got involoved with him like i did. I find myself crying constantly because it is just such a mixed up situation.
As much as i wish he'd want more i know deep down that wil never happen. We are so close that i no i will miss him so much but i guess i just got to let go for myself.

CaraMay

He is being very selfish. He wants you there to play with while it suits him and is taking no account of your feelings. That's not nice. Stay strong and keep away from him.

Taltos

OP - I think you are going to need to be blunt here to the point of absurdity as much as it hurts you.

Call him up and be direct
"John, you've been clear with me that you just want to be friends and there can never be anything more between us. However, I already have feelings for you. So, as there is no middle ground here I need you to stop contacting me, we cannot be friends anymore, not now or next week. I know this is crap, but since we cannot be together as more than friends we just cannot be together as friends".

OK, it might be an ego boost for him, but to be honest he is not leaving you much choice here expect the 2 alternatives.
1. continue as you have been, dying slowly inside each time you meet him.
2. drag this out for weeks or months dodging him, reducing contact.

Sometimes the short, sharp break is the best route. But can I suggest you have someone with you when you have this chat - a shoulder to lean on or an ear to distract you.

msmithdec12

Just an update really. I kept my distance, stuck to it. He told me he was seeing someone for the last 2 months but still wanted to spend all his time with me????!!! I really dont understand it. According to him its over now and he wants to spend more time then ever with me...texting and ringing me all the time to meet up. I have finally decided im worth alot more then all of this and i have moved on

CaraMay

Well done op... Don't look back cos he will always be there to provide some fun but will never give you any more than that.

wurzlitzer

msmithdec12 wrote: »

Just an update really. I kept my distance, stuck to it. He told me he was seeing someone for the last 2 months but still wanted to spend all his time with me????!!! I really dont understand it. According to him its over now and he wants to spend more time then ever with me...texting and ringing me all the time to meet up. I have finally decided im worth alot more then all of this and i have moved on

Good riddance OP to him sorry if I sound harsh, but I feel your pain he was using you to stroke his ego.

I was in a similar situation myself I was the back up girl it has four weeks no contact & it is getting easier.

You are the better person, & you will get over this.

Take care x

msmithdec12

Yeah its getting easier. But im thinking this so called girl was all made up because why did he want to spent his whole time with me? I still dont understand it. Its not asw if he is getting anything from me as we havent been together in months. Again this evening he wanted to see me maybe dinner/catch up. He knows how i feel about him so i doint understand why he won't give me space!!!!!

IrishEyes19

msmithdec12 wrote: »

Yeah its getting easier. But im thinking this so called girl was all made up because why did he want to spent his whole time with me? I still dont understand it. Its not asw if he is getting anything from me as we havent been together in months. Again this evening he wanted to see me maybe dinner/catch up. He knows how i feel about him so i doint understand why he won't give me space!!!!!

You've done so well so dont give up!!!

Why wont he give you space? Because you've taken away a comfy situation from him. There's nothing more attractive to a person than a person who has feelings for them and whom they can flit back to when it takes their fancy. Well you deserve better and Im really delighted you've held on. Please dont falter now, because if you do, he'll keep it up.

The best advice I can give you from personal experience is that, his neediness now and the way he seems to want to talk and hang out and want you is all based on you saying leave me alone. It's not him re-considering or realising your the one. Dont fall for that.

Now at the same time, Im not saying this guy is an ass ect!! He has made himself clear but I think he doesn't realise how hard it is for you, since you have feelings for him! you'll be grand, just be strong! And I agree with other posters. no harm to have it out with him why you are doing this.

msmithdec12

Thanks IrishEyes. I'm not going to lie a little bit of me thought he was changing his mind, especially the way he was with me - wanting to spend all his time with me. He is the type of a guy that i know if i had any problems he would be there for me. In saying that he had his chance so even if he does coming running to me tomorrow decalring his love i can 100% say i am done. He hurt me/messed with my feeling way too much to go back to that.

Over the last few weeks i have also been dating someone and he knew about this. I have since ended it with this person as i really didn't see it going anywhere. He knew about this guy so im thinking this is where his so called girlf story came from. I will in time exactly why i needed space and how he made me feel. It is getting easier

judgefudge

Glad to hear that OP. he sounds like a headwrecker and you may never know why he acts the way he does. But it's really cool that you have realise that you don't need to worry about it anymore.

Good luck!