Mother - divorced and never recovered

LegacyUser

Just worried about my mom. Her and my father went through a very messy breakup about 20 years ago and she never got over it. When I was a teenager she went to counselling but stopped. For those 20 years she's just been existing basically. She has no real close friends and has never had another serious relationship after the divorce.

Things have come to a head recently as she has been struck by a downward mood - saying that she's a fool, she has nothing etc..

This is really hard for me to hear and I'm the only child left in the house with her (brother lives in London). She wants to go do CBT therapy and me any my brother are encouraging her and paying for it. But I was asking last night about the possibility of her socialising, making friends and maybe finding someone to date but she seems hesitant and uncertain.

I understand that she is afraid of rejection and being hurt again but her being alone is really upsetting to me and makes me feel anxious and start crying for her. Not normal I know and in researching for her CBT therapy I've also looked into going to counselling myself to deal with my own issues.

I don't want to push her so should I leave her alone and hope the CBT therapist she chooses to go to is able to work with her on being able to move on from the past? I worry that this won't happen and when I eventually move out she will fall deeper into depression and loneliness in the house on her own.

skyfall2012

Sounds like this is really stressing you out. But the light at the end of the tunnel is that she wants to do therapy and from what I hear, therapy works really well.

So I wouldn't worry and let her work through her problems with her therapist and she should come through this.

Also, from what I have read, having someone to talk to when you are feeling depressed can really help, so I would suggest you listen to her without trying to fix her and don't let her worries get to you, she is on the right path.

NUTLEY BOY

Keep talking and listening. It is crucial.

Neyite

concerned-daughter wrote: »

Things have come to a head recently as she has been struck by a downward mood - saying that she's a fool, she has nothing etc..

This is really hard for me to hear and I'm the only child left in the house with her (brother lives in London). She wants to go do CBT therapy and me any my brother are encouraging her and paying for it. But I was asking last night about the possibility of her socialising, making friends and maybe finding someone to date but she seems hesitant and uncertain.

These changes after so long are daunting for her. Its been a long time since the divorce but you say its only recently she decided not to wallow anymore. That's great, but let her take baby steps for now. I wouldn't push her into dating or making friends until she has worked a little on her self esteem through counselling. It will likely be addressed in counselling when appropriate.

Support and encourage her to take those steps gradually at her pace. If you feel you need to talk to somebody then why not? I sometimes think counselling can be just giving your mind a little spring-clean and tidy up as it straightens your thoughts out for you

starrynightsky

I am in a very similar situation. My mum and dad broke up 25 years ago and my mum has never really recovered. She's had periods of depression, has had one or two terrible relationships that did more harm than good, and basically has no friends or close relatives. She has had therapy years ago for a while, but to be honest it's not therapy she needs but company. She lives in quite a rural area, has no opportunity to meet people etc. Everyone her age is married and she doesn't like the pub or anything like that. It's very difficult for me to see her so lonely sometimes and I can't be around as often as I'd like.She's only 57 but its so difficult for her to make friends even though she has done things like joining walking clubs and taking evening classes etc.
I'm afraid I've got no solutions but I know how you feel!

mistress_gi

My mum is the same, except it wasn't that long ago, it was about 10 years now.

NUTLEY BOY wrote: »

Keep talking and listening. It is crucial.

Well, I found that never worked with my mum, it got to the point where I had to stop talking to her altogether because I couldn't deal with the backlash when I said something she did not like to hear.
So my advice would be keep as much distance as possible, if she does not want help she will find a way to blame you for whatever is going on in her mind!

Beruthiel

NUTLEY BOY wrote: »

Keep talking and listening. It is crucial.

In this instance, I'm not sure it is.
I do not think any child should have to shoulder the burden of a parent who won't pull themselves up by the socks and get on with it.

I went through a divorce when my daughter was 7.
It was a hellish time for me but I slapped on that smile and never once allowed it to cloud my time with her.
I did what had to be done until I got through that miserable time.
As an adult, I (and the OP's mother) are responsible for our own lives and how we choose to live them.
My daughter is not responsible for my happiness. OP, you are not responsible for your mothers. It is up to her to sort herself out.
Does that sound harsh?
I don't know, but I have always been responsible for my own happiness, or lack there off. I have never expected someone else to be.