Men & dating etc... advice please??

LegacyUser

I've found myself in a bit of an unsettling situation and would really like someone else's POV.

I met a guy maybe about 2 months ago out. Really hit it off, at the time I was in a bit of a situation with an ex and thought it would be unfair to give my number out so I didn't. I was kicking myself afterwards to be honest and thought about him quite a bit. So I was out just before Christmas and as I was leaving a bar with some friends we passed each other. Said hello and asked where I was going but I couldn't talk long as my friends were all ahead of me & place was quite packed so didn't want to lose them. We actually ended up going back in because it was lashing and again we said hello but he was chatting to a few people at this stage and then looked like they were making moves to leave. We had exchanged a few looks etc and eventually I said feck it I wasn't going to wait another two months to bump in to him again. So I went over, asked where he was headed and if he wanted to exchange numbers. I wouldn't normally be shy about chatting to guys but I wouldn't be quite so forward. We ended up in the same spot later that night and got chatting again & went home together. I didn't actually have any intention of sleeping with him but one thing led to another.

So since then we've seen each other twice, once initiated by me and the other by him. We've been texting a bit here and there and called each other a couple of times. Right now we haven't made any plans to see each other again. We were supposed to meet new years eve as we had plans to be in the same place but my son was sick & I didn't end up going. I've barely heard from him since then, I know it's only the second and if anyone else was asking this question I'd tell them to get a grip. I just feel so unsure, I feel like because I initiated the whole thing I don't really know if he likes me that much and that maybe sleeping with him on the first night has f'ed things up?

Without sounding too vain, I am an attractive girl and get a lot of attention from men. I'm used to them chasing me so I always know where I stand and that they like me. I texted him happy new years at midnight & got a reply and another at about 3am saying something like no place like your own bed and nothing since so now I'm wondering do I text him and how long should I wait. Or do I wait for him to text me? Or should I call?

I'm not into the whole texting random conversations thing so I feel like I need a reason to contact him but I don't have one really.

Confused and nervous, I really like him!

Lorna123

He might be lying low because he thought that you made an excuse for not meeting him on New Year's Eve. So maybe you should text him and just say something like "pity about New Year's Eve but let's meet up again soon" and see what he says. That's all you can do.

daisybelle2008

haven'taclue wrote: »

I just feel so unsure

Ok, that ^^^ would be enough to put me off if I was in your shoes. In my experience doubting myself and second guessing my actions like you are about whether you were too forward or slept too fast would be the indicators that this is not worth persuing.

You call it an 'unsettling situation', for me that is gut instinct and alarm bells.

You are beating yourself for initiating contact so why initiate more contact?

Trust yourself, if you feel unsure and unsettled and doubtful about a situation then move on.

If it feels easy, natural and right then of course pursue, but in this case it doesn't.

It really is not about who contacts who or following a boy/girl protocol for initiating contact. It is honestly about how it 'feels' and in your case you are in RI signing off 'confused and nervous' before anything has even started.....thats not right, I'd leave it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far.

<QUOTE> Ok, that ^^^ would be enough to put me off if I was in your shoes. In my experience doubting myself and started second guessing my actions like you are about whether you were too forward or slept too fast would be the indicators that this is not worth persuing.

You call it an 'unsettling situation', for me that is gut instinct and alarm bells.

You are beating yourself for initiating contact so why initiate more contact?

Trust yourself, if you feel unsure and unsettled and doubtful about a situation then move on.

If it feels easy, natural and right then of course pursue, but in this case it doesn't.

It really is not about who contacts who or following a boy/girl protocol for initiating contact. It is honestly about how it 'feels' and in your case you are in RI signing of 'confused and nervous'......thats not right, I'd leave it. </QUOTE>

I'm not sure, when we are together it is easy and natural and I really enjoying spending time with him.

To be honest, with most other guys I meet it's easy and natural, but I think it's that way because I don't feel i've much to lose either way if that makes sense? It's kind of if it doesn't work out I wouldn't be that bothered. With this guy I'd be gutted if things didn't work out, hence the nerves.

Being honest it's not like we are kids who can spend every free minute together. We both have children from previous relationships and busy lifestyles so maybe he is just busy. it's only been a few days

daisybelle2008

haven'taclue wrote: »

With this guy I'd be gutted if things didn't work out, hence the nerves.

Well either they will or they won't, no point getting so worked up about it. You don't really know him that well to be so invested in an outcome. To be honest if I felt as anxious as you appear I would be inclined to think it was an indication it wouldn't work out.

Meauldsegosha

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

To be honest if I felt as anxious as you appear I would be inclined to think it was an indication it wouldn't work out.

That seems like a very negative attitude to me. I couldn't live my life like that, if I didn't do something everytime I felt nervous or anxious about it I would have done nothing with my life.

When you meet someone new or at the start of a relationship it's normal to question yourself and your feelings. Even the most mature, responsible person can become a quivering fool when they meet someone new, that's part of the fun of meeting someone new. OP as you said you both have children and busy lives and he was probably nursing a hangover yesterday. If it were me I would text him at some stage this saying something like "pity about NYE, do you fancy catching up at the weekend" What have you got to lose.

daisybelle2008

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

That seems like a very negative attitude to me. I couldn't live my life like that, if I didn't do something everytime I felt nervous or anxious about it I would have done nothing with my life.

When you meet someone new or at the start of a relationship it's normal to question yourself and your feelings. Even the most mature, responsible person can become a quivering fool when they meet someone new, that's part of the fun of meeting someone new. OP as you said you both have children and busy lives and he was probably nursing a hangover yesterday. If it were me I would text him at some stage this saying something like "pity about NYE, do you fancy catching up at the weekend" What have you got to lose.

No it can be a very positive attitude. It is an attitude that doesn't tolerate feeling all the negative emotions the OP is feeling. It is not needy and uncertain. There is a massive difference between a little nervous excitement with affairs of the heart and what the OP is describing and posting in RI before it has got off the ground.
Absolutely take risks and initiate as much contact as long as it FEELS GOOD. When you have all the doubt, fear and such an attachment to the outcome as the OP seems to be feeling, then I would suggest letting go and leaving it at least for the moment. You can to be better at reading your own feelings, they tell you everything. Too much self-doubt in my opinion. But it is only my opinion.
'Feeling gutted if it doesn't work out', is a bit more invested then the devil-may-care, nothing to lose attitude that works in these situations where the question is if it is a good idea to keep initiating contact. For some I would suggest persuing it for others not. But to be honest the ones who should persue don't tend to have so much doubt or care about other peoples opinions in the matter and they don't feel they have as much to lose as the OP seems to have herself convinced.

A positive devil may care/ nothing to lose attitude vs a negative fear of outcome. Thats the difference, the OP is in the later IMHO.
Nothing wrong with parking things till it feels like less of a burden.

LegacyUser

Ok I bit the bullet and texted him (I'm so impatient lol). Just asked how he was and if he was recovered from the NYE shennanigans & he text back and asked if I wanted to go for dinner friday :-)

LegacyUser

Op. I think you should just chill out. Don't think too much about you sleeping with him on the first night that makes him lose interest. It is not always the case. You both had fun so it was good. If I was you, I would just leave him to contact me. If he does contact you again, you know what to do this time, let him take you out on dates and getting to know him more before sleeping with him again. If he doesn't, you know he is not interested to take things further. Just live your life as normal and have fun. Make plans with your friends and don't accept date this Sat if he call you Fri. In my experiences. Guy will contact you and want to see you soon if they are interested. If he is busy with his child, at least he could send a text or two, never mind planning dates.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

No it can be a very positive attitude. It is an attitude that doesn't tolerate feeling all the negative emotions the OP is feeling. It is not needy and uncertain. There is a massive difference between a little nervous excitement with affairs of the heart and what the OP is describing and posting in RI before it has got off the ground.
Absolutely take risks and initiate as much contact as long as it FEELS GOOD. When you have all the doubt, fear and such an attachment to the outcome as the OP seems to be feeling, then I would suggest letting go and leaving it at least for the moment. You can to be better at reading your own feelings, they tell you everything. Too much self-doubt in my opinion. But it is only my opinion.
'Feeling gutted if it doesn't work out', is a bit more invested then the devil-may-care, nothing to lose attitude that works in these situations where the question is if it is a good idea to keep initiating contact. For some I would suggest persuing it for others not. But to be honest the ones who should persue don't tend to have so much doubt or care about other peoples opinions in the matter and they don't feel they have as much to lose as the OP seems to have herself convinced.

A positive devil may care/ nothing to lose attitude vs a negative fear of outcome. Thats the difference, the OP is in the later IMHO.
Nothing wrong with parking things till it feels like less of a burden.

Devil may care is all well and good but wouldn't suggest you are too bothered about the other person in my opinion. Any how I think you're interpretation of my feelings is wrong. I was also "gutted" when they killed off Darren in Love/Hate.

I am nervous and confused, as I am out of my comfort zone but I am also very excited about the prospect of getting to know this person and possibility of having a relationship. I met enough men to know that it is not all that often I click with someone like this.

Sure I'd be gutted if it doesn't work out but I'm a big girl and I'd get over it.

Meauldsegosha

haven'taclue wrote: »

Ok I bit the bullet and texted him (I'm so impatient lol). Just asked how he was and if he was recovered from the NYE shennanigans & he text back and asked if I wanted to go for dinner friday :-)

That's great OP. Have fun and enjoy.

daisybelle2008

haven'taclue wrote: »

Devil may care is all well and good but wouldn't suggest you are too bothered about the other person in my opinion. Any how I think you're interpretation of my feelings is wrong. I was also "gutted" when they killed off Darren in Love/Hate.

I am nervous and confused, as I am out of my comfort zone but I am also very excited about the prospect of getting to know this person and possibility of having a relationship. I met enough men to know that it is not all that often I click with someone like this.

Sure I'd be gutted if it doesn't work out but I'm a big girl and I'd get over it.

Well you know better how you feel, I was going by the language used and sentiment expressed by you in your OP, which seemed more than just a little nervous excitement and is quiet different from your attitude in this post now that you have heard from him.
If is it just a little nervous excitement then you have no worries do you? Relax and enjoy your dinner Friday, good luck.

2rkehij30qtza5

Just take the bull by the horns. Text him. That way if he is not interested he will (a) not reply (b) reply with some answer that you know is a sign that he is not interested (c) tell you he is not.

It's not like you bump into him all the time so you can save your blushes and just text him "hey ____, hope you are recovered from all the New Years celebrations. If you fancy grabbing a drink or something some evening give me a shout. Talk soon"

And leave it at that. One of the three things above that I mentioned will happen and then you will know where you stand.

If you get turned down then so be it. It's not like you are going to be mortified and bump into him on every street corner thereafter. If it works out, great.

You are building this up too much in your head. If he is not the one for you then better to know now.