How much is TOO much interest?

LegacyUser

I have a terrible issue with men 'coming on too strong' or showing too much of an interest too soon. I am trying to get to the bottom of it at the moment so it's a work in progress but perhaps some advice here will shed light on it for me.

For example, I was dating a guy for a couple of weeks, nothing serious and was still getting to know him etc. After a few dates he'd written a poem for me. That was an instant alarm bell. I let it go thinking I was being my typical paranoid self but then he started sending me 2/3 texts in a row before I would even reply and so I told him I needed more space than that and we stopped seeing eachother. That to me is really excessive interest and makes me run a mile.

Another recent example is a man who I briefly met a few months ago through a circle of friends. He started chatting to me on a night out, said he'd been thinking about asking me out for months but was nervous so we had a dance, he was very charming, we kissed at the end of the night and then BAM! he told me he loved me. So again, I freak out and run away and don't answer his calls. This, I'm sure you'll all agree is also excessive interest and is not at all normal.

Now, the issue is this. My sense of 'normal' is all skewed. I met a guy through a step-sibling lastnight and we really hit it off really, really hit it off. He is not the type of fella I'd ever normally be attracted to but there was definitely a lot of sparks flying between us. I'm pretty stand offish with men due to things like the above but I found myself really wanting him and we ended up kissing quite heatedly to the extent that both of us said we had to cool it because we were driving eachother crazy. One night stands aren't really my thing so it couldn't have gone further than kissing and touching lastnight anyway but still, I felt like I really wanted him. This rarely ever happens to me.
But today his texts were bothering me a bit, he was drunk this evening and said he wished I was there. Is that a bit OTT since I only met him lastnight? He also offered to come help me move house tomorrow several times even though I said I had it all sorted. My sister said he's a very nice guy but me being me, I am worried and slightly freaked out. The almighty fear from last night's drinking doesn't help either. I'm even concerned about his excessive use of smiles in his texts. I'm definitely over thinking this.

Please someone talk some sense into me, thanks!

judgefudge

I think you know yourself that you're over thinking it. The first couple of guys you described did sound a bit OTT, to be fair.

I think the fact that he said he wished you were there, when he had been drinking, is not that big a deal. It's nice really isn't it?! Would you rather have someone who doesn't reply or fobs you off all the time. Take it easy and chill out, stop analysing everything. Smiley faces? Really?

He could turn out to be a bit extreme but if that is the case you'll find out soon enough without driving yourself mad thinking about it. He could be offering to help you move because he is nice or he's trying to impress you. It's a good thing!

tomthetank

It might just be that you drew the short straw with the last few guys (dating really is like a lucky/unlucky dip!) and coincidentally met with guys who were OTT and bad at understanding social cues.

Or it could be that you have a few boundary issues yourself which makes you vulnerable to these types.

The 'stand offish' thing that you mentioned about yourself makes me think it could be this. If you had a healthy relationship towards men/dating, you wouldn't feel the need to be either cold or too intimate with men that you've just met - you'd feel comfortable just being yourself and let things occur naturally. And understand that when things don't go at a comfortable pace, it's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to recognize your discomfort and be assertive with those guys.

Neyite

I think you may need to give this guy a bit of rope here - he was pissed its pretty common to drunk-text someone you fancy if you have gone home alone. I dont see any red flags there yet.

With regard to the previous men: I think that if you are standoffish with men, the nice, normal ones probably get the vibe from you that you are not interested, and being the nice, normal guys that they are, move on so as not to bother you.

Its the ones that are OTT that will persist in the face of standoffishness. They are the ones either dont pick up the not-interested vibe, or DO see that vibe and have decided to persist because its what they want. They are the ones that insist on buying you a drink when you have said "no thanks" to insist on seeing you home, even though you are getting a taxi, or wear you down to agree to a date.

Meauldsegosha

I think you need to give the chap a break. Some drunk texts wishing you were with him is hardly the end of the world. And offering to help you move is him trying to make a good impression on you. You said the kissing got quite heated so he obviously thinks you felt the "spark" as much as he did. I certainly wouldn't dismiss him out of hand because of what happened with the other guys.

Lorna123

I would wait a bit longer before summing him up. So far he has done nothing wrong. I don't think I would let him help me move house though, I just think that if I let a guy do this without even knowing me that he would know everything about me too soon. Also, he could have his eye on what happens behind closed doors so take it easy.

daisybelle2008

OP I think all 3 sound a bit crazy. Including the latest guy, I mean who wants to help someone move house that they just met, even though you insisted you had it sorted and to keep insisting several times?? Ugh.
These guys all sound a bit needy. Trust yourself OP, if it feels a little OTT, don't be making allowances.

blatantrereg

crazycautious wrote: »

we ended up kissing quite heatedly to the extent that both of us said we had to cool it because we were driving eachother crazy. One night stands aren't really my thing so it couldn't have gone further than kissing and touching lastnight anyway but still, I felt like I really wanted him. This rarely ever happens to me.
But today his texts were bothering me a bit, he was drunk this evening and said he wished I was there. Is that a bit OTT since I only met him lastnight?

Not OTT at all in the context. You told him the previous night that he was driving you crazy. Reads to me like you might blow hot and cold with guys.

dannyc31

OP on the one hand you are over thinking things with the new guy. the use of smiles in texts will allways be used at the beginning so as not to appear cold.

the first two guys were just pure mental but this has clouded your perception of any new men coming along.

the thing is you could just be the type of girl who prefers a old fashioned mans man. someone who is more dominant and confident in themselves not to be always so full on. A Don Draper kinda character. confidence is a very attractive feature to have if you are a man you you may just be attracting alot of guys with low self esteem who are quite literally trying too hard.

there is nothing wrong with knowing what you like but i would try to stop over thinking to the level you are. the likes of the guy you just met deserves a chance at least since you said there was chemistry and your friends have said he is a nice guy.

if after that you still feel suffocated then move on and look for another fella that meets your needs