Marriage is over, where next?

LegacyUser

Hi all

I married my wife nine years ago despite having serious misgivings about her behaviour which was very controlling, ie she could do what she liked but got into a serious long lasting huff if I did the same.

The marriage, for want of a better word, was never a happy one for me. You see my wife was never interested in me, my thought or feelings. Neither was she interested in sex, except when it came to her getting pregnant. Around her ovulating time, she was like a dog in heat demanding sex but outside of those three days in her monthly cycle, she pushed me away saying "you're not getting any". Tbh, we've only had sex five times in the last six years, and that was when she wanted a baby. Now I'm not sex mad (I wouldn't have lasted this long with her if I was) but the physical side of a relationship is important imo. However even if I try to just hug her, she puts her arms up to block me. She turns her head if I try to kiss her. She wanted a super king sized bed so she wouldn't accidentally touch me in bed when she was asleep. She won't even sit in the same room as me. What have I done to her, you ask? Absolutely nothing. I have never been unfaithful. I have never hit her or threatened her. I have given her everything she ever wanted but she was never happy.

She now tells me she can't bear to look at me, which she doesn't. Talking to her is like talking to someone who is autistic in that she stares at the ground or wall. She is constantly criticising me and slagging me off in front of our two girls. She keeps her mobile on her at all times, even when she goes to the loo or takes a shower. Is she having an affair? I don't know. I mean she thinks sex is dirty and disgusting but her behaviour the past year would appear to me at least, to be like someone who is seeing someone else. There is a history of infidelity in her family with her two sisters having affairs.

Anyway, where to now? The atmosphere at home is poisonous. It is affecting our children and I am barely holding myself together. My family, friends and colleagues tell me I look miserable, even though I'm trying to hide it. I pay the mortgage and bills and like many, have nothing left at the end of the month. She pays for nothing despite having a sizeable bank balance of tens of thousands (inheritance and redundancy money which she states is hers).

I'd leave now but I'd miss my kids terribly. I have absolutely no savings or spare cash to rent somewhere else. Then there's the injustice of it. I've done nothing wrong so why should I go? I'm a far better parent than her as I spend all my free time with the girls. I never go anywhere without bringing them. Her idea of parenting is to put the tv on for them.

"Happy New Year"? I can't remember the last time I felt happy.

Ickle Magoo

Hey there,

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I obviously have no way of knowing if your wife is having an affair but the mobile phone secrecy and hugging the side of the mattress would certainly be common red flags. Given how long this has been going on for and the damage it must have caused to your own self-esteem and the tough road ahead, I think getting counselling for yourself, should be a priority.

Before you sign anything or leave the house - even say anything to your wife, you really need to get yourself some legal advice to see how things may pan out financially and in terms of custody. Get your ducks in a row, collect any and all evidence of infidelity and how toxic an atmosphere she is creating for you and your children and discuss with a solicitor specialising in family law what your options are.

There are also links you might find useful reading HERE.

All the very best

sffc

I think there is no doubt your marraige is over from all you say . It sounds very familiar to me and I totally symapthise . Your wife though is probably totally miserable too - somebody will have to make a first move . She might have already and got legal advice - we don't know . Thing is you definitely need to know where you stand and visit a family law solicitor . You are not alone .

dixiefly

I am not certain how appropriate this is but desperate situations call for desperate measures. You have what seems to be reasonable suspicions that she could be up to something. Are there times that she is not home and you suspect something? If so, perhaps you could have her followed to see if she is leading a double life.

Have you any idea why she has completely changed her attitude to you? Could it be depression?

If you are certain that she is not going to change then it would seem to me that your least worst option would be to build up a dossier of her behaviour to facilitate you to kick HER out instead of leaving yourself. However, with jobs and childcare etc that is far from easy.

Taltos

Can I remind posters of our charter.

Please no amateur diagnoses. Also let's be careful with activities that may fall into a grey legal area.

Thanks
Taltos

LegacyUser

I had previous relationships so I know that most women are warm caring individuals with a lot of empathy for their partners which is why I am convinced there is something psychologically wrong with my wife. I have never met anyone so cold, so unforgiving, so bitter and downright nasty. Even in our early days, when we should have been going through the "honeymoon" period of our life together, she appeared to hate me putting my hands on her. Sex, was only at night, with the lights off and straight back on with her pyjamas afterwards. I haven't seen her in her underwear, let alone naked for years as she dresses and undresses in the bathroom behind a locked door. Has she something to be ashamed of? The answer is no because she is tall, slim and attractive. I told her this so many times but her self esteem was always low. I blamed her mother who was a bully towards the entire family, including my father in law.

I'd love to think we could work things out but I feel there is too much bitterness, on both sides, now. She seems to hate me and I honestly don't now why. We did go to counselling a few years back but for five sessions, it was all a case of blame me. When I said enough was enough and that there were two sides to this, she clammed up and refused to engage any further. She appears to think that she can do, and has done no wrong and it is ALL my fault. She never stops telling me what an awful person I am. Thing is, my children love me. My family, friends and colleagues all like me and have nothing but sympathy for me. I'm constantly being asked round to relatives and friends homes to give me a break from her. So if I was as nasty as my wife makes me out to be, how come the only person who appears to think I am a horrible person is my wife? I know that's rhetorical but I'm just trying to show that despite what she might say about me, I am a good person.

Finally, she has, in the past, hurt our girls. She has hit and kicked our eldest when she was too slow in getting dressed for bed. She recently hurt our youngest daughter when she was looking for a biscuit before dinner and my wife lost her temper and pulled her so hard by the arm, that she badly sprained our daughter's wrist. Of course when I objected to this, she said "it's your word against mine". Now can you understand why I am so reluctant to leave my girls with someone who I firmly believe has serious issues to resolve?

I feel so trapped. I'm living a nightmare with a woman who hates me, never stops commenting and slagging me off but I can't leave my girls and I can't afford to set up a new home for us elsewhere. It is also heartbreaking to listen to my colleagues discussing their home lives and what they do with their partners like going for a meal, going away for the weekend or even just going for a walk on the beach together. Jeez, I crave some love and affection after living with this ice maiden for so many years.

fog arty

I think it is important that you get some professional advice, for your childrens sake as well as yours.

BillyBean

Mediation - Keep out of the courts, thats all I keep hearing ....

Taltos

iPink - we have removed your post, per the warning above this forum is not a place for conjecture or second guessing the OP. We have other forums here that provide relationship advice. Separation and Divorce is targeted to those going through the process who need tips / advice or support.

Thanks
Taltos

LegacyUser

I'm the OP and I'm at a crisis point. My wife is breaking me down mentally and emotionally with her constant slagging off and comments. This evening she was sneering at me in front of my girls when I snapped and screamed at her to shut up. She then tried to push past me and I pushed back which resulted in her screaming "get away from me" and "don't touch me" and then she screamed at the girls "look what he's like".

Oh god, she has backed me into a corner. I really cannot take this anymore. I've never felt so utterly low in my life. I'm driving round for hours after work to avoid going home. I'm literally afraid of being round her for what she says about me and how worked up I get.

I am not and never have been a violent man but this woman is pushing me over the edge. She refuses to pay half the bills (she pays for nothing despite earning the same as me) and so I am utterly broke paying the mortgage and everything else while she has her weekends away and holidays.

I don't know any solicitors and I am afraid of where this will end up, ie me getting kicked out of the house and seeing my kids a day or two a week. It is so unfair, I have done nothing wrong, I gave her everything she wanted and all I ever wanted in return was some love.

Reading this, I sound so pathetic but I am at the lowest point of my life and I can't take much more of this

cgh

OP. it sounds like the end of the road. it doesnt seem to matter what you do. its never going to be enough.
you need to get legal advice NOW. dont mess around and certainly dont give her anything that could be used against you.
you need to realise that from what you say the marriage is over. get your head straight and get yourself informed.

keep the head up

ladysarah

the best thing to do is google names of solicitors in your area. go and have a chat snd weigh up the pros and cons of seperating. To be honest it sounds v healthy and you cannot buy peace of mind.

shamrock55

Op keep the head up fella you have to for the kids your wife sounds like a right witch it must be so hard for you you really do need to go to a solicitor and tell your situation you will have more options then you think it wont do you any harm at all

desbrook

OP - you are at breaking point and actually so is your wife . There is a difference though - you are in denial , she isn't . A sentence like "I don't know any solicitors and I am afraid of where this will end up" screams this fact . Of course you know of solicitors in your local area . Ring ANY of them and they will refer you to a family law one if the don't specialise in that area .

I'm not getting into the whole who should leave the family home arguement except to say that ONE of you has to and soon for your kids sake . Make that call today to a solicitor . TELL your wife today that you realise the marraige is over and you are getting legal advice (as she already has ). Give her your solicitors details and request hers .Tell her you will be noting down any agressive incidents in a log, will not move out of the house for the foreseeable future and will pay half the bills . Stop allowing your kids to suffer by facing up to the situation .

LegacyUser

Ok, first off, thanks for the advice to date. I did take it all in, considered it carefully and decided for the kids and our sakes, to try the family mediation route to try to work this mess out as painlessly as possible. I sat down with my wife and said calmly and reasonably that the marriage was finished and that we should move on with our lives. I told her about the mediation process and how it was free and could save us a fortune in legal bills if we could both reach an agreement. I suggested that one of us stay in the family home (it's in negative equity so selling it isn't an option, plus why put our kids out of the only home they've ever known?). I then said that whoever moves out would have half their rent paid by the other (mortgage to be paid jointly too - unlike at present where I'm paying for everything) so no one would be at a loss or the other would be at a gain if you know what I mean. I then said that the kids could spend half their time living with one of us, either week on, week off, two weeks on/off etc so custody, child care, school runs etc would be shared equally. Plus we'd both get time with the children. I thought this was reasonable but she said nothing. She sat in the corner refusing to look at me and the got up and left the room. I rang the mediation service and registered with them but they won't give an appointment unless she contacts them.......which she hasn't. She was very quiet in the weeks following this discussion, with none of her biting sarcastic put downs until last night when the old her came back. She has also been spending as much time as possible with her family away on weekends. Is she planning a counter strike so to speak? I don't know.

I've tried to be reasonable but for some reason she won't engage with the mediation process. I don't know whether she's in shock that I finally called her bluff on this farce we're living or she's going to go all out for everything, ie house, kids, maximum maintenance etc just to see me practically beggared and in a bedsit for the rest of my life - and yes she is that bitter, spiteful and vindictive.

I think I have to go to a solicitor now even though I'm broke. I don't know how I can afford to pay for his/her services but I'm not going to keep on living like this.

desbrook

desbrook wrote: »

OP - you are at breaking point and actually so is your wife . There is a difference though - you are in denial , she isn't . A sentence like "I don't know any solicitors and I am afraid of where this will end up" screams this fact . Of course you know of solicitors in your local area . Ring ANY of them and they will refer you to a family law one if the don't specialise in that area .

I'm not getting into the whole who should leave the family home arguement except to say that ONE of you has to and soon for your kids sake . Make that call today to a solicitor . TELL your wife today that you realise the marraige is over and you are getting legal advice (as she already has ). Give her your solicitors details and request hers .Tell her you will be noting down any agressive incidents in a log, will not move out of the house for the foreseeable future and will pay half the bills . Stop allowing your kids to suffer by facing up to the situation .

You are broke OP because you are paying ALL the bills. Stop now and just pay half because you be certainly be stuck paying them fully forever if you don't.
Stop dilly dallying and get a solicitor like I and most posters advised. They roughly cost 100 euro a consultation with most giving a first free. No more excuses. ASK. If she gets communication from your solicitor and realizes you are paying half the bills you wont have to wait too much longer.

quietsailor

OP, i've never posted in this forum before - I just saw the thread on the main page and clicked out of interest - but your situation sounds similar to a lot of landlord's threads I see over on the accom & property forum.

There when there is a legal dispute the legal might seems to be on the teants side, the landlord (LL) must have every piece of paperwork perfect, follow every rule precisely without deviation and still find it hard to win, here your in the same position, the courts seem to mainly side with the woman.

The advice given over there is

1. Get legal advice immediately
2. start documenting everything, get witnesses if possible
3. Write down everything you can think of that shows her behaviour, you can be sure her lawyer will advise her to do the same.
4. Follow the rules, no matter what, one deviation on your part will be used as an excuse to find against you

I'm sorry if that sounds so negative but from reading the paper, occasional posts on here as well as a few men's rights forums I get updates from your fighting an uphill battle