Am I wrong

carrig2

My daughter was out tonight with her boyfriend of 3 yrs. They had an argument about something small enough but she left the pub saying she was going home. He said ok, goodbye and let her leave. She walked home in the dark 2 miles and he never came after her to check if she was ok. I am willing to admit she was reckless to do what she did but I feel he is not the man for her. What man woukd let the woman he loves walk 2 miles at night on on her own. She is completely wrong but is he not also? What does anyone else think?

judgefudge

Did he know she was walking home? Presuming she could have got a taxi it is up to her to get home safe.

aaakev

Depending on the situation If i had a fight with my girlfriend and she wanted to leave and go home she is welcome to. 2 miles? i would expect she would get a taxi or a lift.. Maybe your dayghter wanted him to chase her but he didnt bite....

2rkehij30qtza5

They sound immature.
I know my husband would never have let me walk alone like that but then we never had blazing rows where I'd storm out of a pub on him!
I think there is a pair of them in it. Your daughter could've got a friend to walk her home if boyfriend wasn't up to the job, she could have presumably phoned for a lift either or got a cab. I would apportion the blame 50-50 in this instance. Whether or not he is "the man for her" would really boil down to whether this type of carry on is a regular thing etc. They sound v immature.

carrig2

judgefudge wrote: »

Did he know she was walking home? Presuming she could have got a taxi it is up to her to get home safe.

I already said she was wrong. No chance of a taxi. She was wong, totally wong. But am I just being stupid or old fashioned thinking he should worry about her personal safety

jimmycrackcorm

carrig2 wrote: »

I already said she was wrong. No chance of a taxi. She was wong, totally wong. But am I just being stupid or old fashioned thinking he should worry about her personal safety

Actually you are being old fashioned. He isn't her father chasing after a wayward child. I sincerely hope she's learnt a good lesson from this and won't be so childish the next time.

CaraMay

She should worry about her own personal safety first. Whether or not he is the guy for her is not your call so don't interfere. If I were his mother I would Be thinking she is not for him a she is thick enough (temper wise) and daft enough to walk home alone. Two to tango and both wrong but your daughter 90%.

carrig2

Thank you all for feedback. I can see I was thinking wrong on this and looking at out differently now

Daisy M

No doubt about it your daughter was wrong and behaved immaturely but I think anyman who would knowingly allow a woman to walk home in the dark lacks something. Sorry I may sound sexist but the facts are that lone females are more vunerable than lone males.

Actually thinking on this I would be upset with anyone who knew a friend male or female was walking home alone and did nothing to prevent it or check that they had arrived safely. Just because your daughters actions were stupid does not mean her boyfriend is blameless either, what sort of man could stay behind in a pub drinking knowing his girlfriend is walking home in the dark?

Big Bag of Chips

Is there a history of her stamping her foot and him jumping to it?

Maybe she thought he'd chase her and beg her back...

Maybe he thought she'd come to her senses...

My friend recently fell out with a very good friend of hers who did the same thing on a night out we had. I was there so I can vouch for what happened. She (friend of my friend) started a pointless row over something stupid. Stormed off and then rang my friend the next day looking for an apology for letting her walk home alone, saying 'anything could have happened' her on the way home.

My friend rightly pointed out it was her own decision to walk off. And whilst most other people in her life jump to her tune, my friend wasn't going to.

Your daughter was in the wrong. She can't act and then expect others to react in a way she'd like.

Does your daughter feel she/he was wrong? Or does she realise she was being childish?

Lorna123

If your daughter knew that if she walked out she would have to walk home in the dark for 2 miles then she was stupid to do that.

Now if her boyfriend knew that she had no alternative but to walk home in the dark then he should have stepped up and tried to talk sense into her.

The thing is OP, that young people don't have the same fears as "the Moms" and just don't think about the dangers. I would not cast this guy aside just because he didn't run after her but I would tell your daughter that it is very unwise to walk home in the dark on her own, row or no row. Her boyfriend is just not mature enough to look out for her yet, but that comes with age. You can't put an old head on young shoulders. I can see where you are coming from OP and I would be raging if my daughter walked home on her own and her boyfriend let her.

sffc

It's quite clear to me you daughter was abusing her vunerability walking home alone hoping he would follow her . She wanted control . He did the right thing .

jimmycrackcorm

Daisy M wrote: »

No doubt about it your daughter was wrong and behaved immaturely but I think anyman who would knowingly allow a woman to walk home in the dark lacks something. Sorry I may sound sexist but the facts are that lone females are more vunerable than lone males.

Actually thinking on this I would be upset with anyone who knew a friend male or female was walking home alone and did nothing to prevent it or check that they had arrived safely. Just because your daughters actions were stupid does not mean her boyfriend is blameless either, what sort of man could stay behind in a pub drinking knowing his girlfriend is walking home in the dark?

We live in an age of equality now where women are expected to be treated as equals. Along with that comes responsibility. You do not benefit your gender by espousing a view that women still need big strong men to look after them.

Lorna123

Regardless of the genders involved here I really think that if 2 people go out on a night out together they should look out for one another, be it males or females and neither of them should walk home alone for 2 miles in the dark. Feelings were raised in this instance and your daughter was obviously not thinking straight. Her b/f was not thinking straight either. So I guess both of them were at fault.

JustAThought

She was putting double the risk on him ; of being knocked down if it's an isolated area ; or being attacked walking up or back with her.

She chose to leave. Knowing how you clearly feel about such issues she doubtless knew that if she'd called you before she choose to walk home dark/alone/etc that you would have advised on a taxi/helped organise lift/met her en route/helped her with taxi fare. Unfortunately she choose to do none of these things which would have resolved the situation she put herself into.

Sounds like now she is happy to use you to continue a fight against him on another level. Very calculating & controlling behaviours. Not a fan of girls being left to walk home alone but in this case I'd say he was in the right; sadly.

The Corinthian

carrig2 wrote: »

I already said she was wrong. No chance of a taxi. She was wong, totally wong. But am I just being stupid or old fashioned thinking he should worry about her personal safety

Genders aside, we're not and neither should be our brother's (sister's) keepers. If he has to intervene every time she knowingly puts herself in danger (which is questionable, statistically he'd be in more danger walking home alone) then where does this stop? Stop her from doing a bungie jump? Not let her drive? Keep tabs on her during the day, just to make sure?

As others have suggested, there's a good chance that she did this with the express intention of his chasing after her - it's not an unusual power play - and if so, he did well not to give in, because once someone who is willing to use that kind of manipulation realizes it works, they'll do it again and even up the ante.

If not, she has a responsibility to act responsibility; not doing so, behaving irresponsibly in the knowledge that some white knight will come and save her, is not doing her any favours, either now or in the future.

For me, anyone who feels he should have been obliged to walk her home, is essentially saying that she should not be responsible for her actions and choices and needs a man to protect her from herself. Not a very healthy attitude, IMHO.

Dellnum

I agree with Lorna on this, when people go out together they should touch base to see that all in the group are getting home safely. I don't think that this is too much to ask of your friends, when drink is involved especially. It doesn't matter whether the group is male or female or both.
In this case I feel that it wouldn't have killed the boyfriend to remind the girl that walking home on her own is not a good idea and then if she persisted with this then he couldn't stop her, but for him to just shrug his shoulders and say "okay, goodbye" is a bit uncaring I think.

The Corinthian

Dellnum wrote: »

In this case I feel that it wouldn't have killed the boyfriend to remind the girl that walking home on her own is not a good idea and then if she persisted with this then he couldn't stop her, but for him to just shrug his shoulders and say "okay, goodbye" is a bit uncaring I think.

Perhaps he did warn her, I don't think we know what happened on that score.

Additionally, they did have a fight, so I doubt if such rational behaviour was high on the agenda - unless you want to presume that she (walking home alone) was the only one capable of being irrational.

carrig2

Thank you all for your feedback. I accept people are right about the whole mums thinking of things differently and also yes I am of a different generation and expect men to want to take care of partners. I see that things are more equal these days and that I should not expect that he "take care" of her.

To those of you who said she was calculating about the thing and that she expected him to come running after her, you are so wrong. She was genuinely upset and not thinking. Fact was he had said to her that she should lose weight as her new years resolution as it was not good for him being the only fella in his group of friends with a fat girlfriend. She also told me that it is not the first time he passed a comment on her weight in the last few months but that this time he said it in front of their friends. He coming after her is the last thing she expected or wanted.

So it is irrelevant now whether he should or should not have come after her. He is not the man for her. She can make her own mind up as to whether she sees him again or not, but I won't be forgiving him any day soon.

Daisy M

Daisy M wrote: »

No doubt about it your daughter was wrong and behaved immaturely but I think anyman who would knowingly allow a woman to walk home in the dark lacks something. Sorry I may sound sexist but the facts are that lone females are more vunerable than lone males.

Actually thinking on this I would be upset with anyone who knew a friend male or female was walking home alone and did nothing to prevent it or check that they had arrived safely. Just because your daughters actions were stupid does not mean her boyfriend is blameless either, what sort of man could stay behind in a pub drinking knowing his girlfriend is walking home in the dark?

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

We live in an age of equality now where women are expected to be treated as equals. Along with that comes responsibility. You do not benefit your gender by espousing a view that women still need big strong men to look after them.

I never mentioned women needing big strong men to look after them. I stated that lone women are more vunerable than lone men. I also said I would be upset with anyone who left a person male or female to walk home alone late.
I believe in equality of the sexes but I am not deluded enough to believe that equality makes women and men the same. A womens chances of been sexually abused are higher than a mans and the abuse will usually be carried out by a male not a female.

Ickle Magoo

carrig2 wrote: »

So it is irrelevant now whether he should or should not have come after her.

With this being the case, further comment serves no point and thus I'll lock this thread.

All the best