Fresh start

Flutterby80 · 31-12-2012 11:31am #1

Hi all, so it's New Years Eve and I need a bit of advice...Has anyone else gone through a really bad break up this year ?

To give a bit of back ground information I was dumped very suddenly and with no warning by my boyfriend of 4 years back in August. I've had no closure as he hasn't given me any proper reasons, he just told me that he's dead inside and can't feel anything anymore and that I should just move on with my life and forget him.
As you can imagine I was devastated and tried and tried to fix things even though he wouldn't communicate with me. He did however lash out and tell me that I had no life of my own all I had was him and my job. He said some other hurtful things also which he then took back and said he didn't mean, he felt nothing but disgust for himself etc but was still unwilling to even tell me when he started to feel differently about us. He was his usual loving self up until the day we had a fight and he walked out taking all his stuff. We had problems but so does everybody, I never for a second expected him to leave me , I thought we were for ever. I can see now that I was very naive as he never talked about problems and bottled things up, I shouldn't have put up with this but I didn't want to put pressure on him as he had gone through a hard time in work. He had asked me to be patient with him and give him time which I did.
So my question is how long does it take to get over something like this? How long til he's not the first person I think about every morning and last thing at night? I've done everything people say I should, cut contact, see friends , even went for counselling etc but I still feel stuck I don't cry every day anymore but I just feel so empty and rejected. I cant imagine ever trusting anyone else ever again. I just want to feel better and be able to let go of him in my head, any advice on how others have coped will be appreciated.

cantdecide · 31-12-2012 12:20pm

I'm sorry you're feeling the way you do. I can't say I've had to go through something like you have but all I can suggest to you is 1) don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do- treat it as a process. You will inevitable keep moving forward but on any given day you need to permit yourself to have a bad day in the name of moving forward 2) give yourself something to look forward to. Go visit some friends abroad or plan to knock something off your bucket list. Something positive for yourself to enjoy 3) Flirt. It's a lovely distraction.

LegacyUser · 31-12-2012 1:52pm

Flutterby80 wrote: »

Hi all, so it's New Years Eve and I need a bit of advice...Has anyone else gone through a really bad break up this year ?

To give a bit of back ground information I was dumped very suddenly and with no warning by my boyfriend of 4 years back in August. I've had no closure as he hasn't given me any proper reasons, he just told me that he's dead inside and can't feel anything anymore and that I should just move on with my life and forget him.
As you can imagine I was devastated and tried and tried to fix things even though he wouldn't communicate with me. He did however lash out and tell me that I had no life of my own all I had was him and my job. He said some other hurtful things also which he then took back and said he didn't mean, he felt nothing but disgust for himself etc but was still unwilling to even tell me when he started to feel differently about us. He was his usual loving self up until the day we had a fight and he walked out taking all his stuff. We had problems but so does everybody, I never for a second expected him to leave me , I thought we were for ever. I can see now that I was very naive as he never talked about problems and bottled things up, I shouldn't have put up with this but I didn't want to put pressure on him as he had gone through a hard time in work. He had asked me to be patient with him and give him time which I did.
So my question is how long does it take to get over something like this? How long til he's not the first person I think about every morning and last thing at night? I've done everything people say I should, cut contact, see friends , even went for counselling etc but I still feel stuck I don't cry every day anymore but I just feel so empty and rejected. I cant imagine ever trusting anyone else ever again. I just want to feel better and be able to let go of him in my head, any advice on how others have coped will be appreciated.

I identify with this so much, my bf of 4 years broke up with me suddenly back in July, and although I don't cry everyday anymore either, I still feel so empty and alone. I have good days and bad days, but there's always this sadness and emptiness that never leaves. I suppose the only thing I can say to you is give it time, I'm sure you have heard that a thousand times before but think about how bad you felt when he first broke up with you, and how you feel now, even though you still feel bad, it has lessened slightly, so think about how much better things will be in another 6 months. It really can only get better. It will be a distant memory and although we may always feel sadness when we think about the person, the feelings will keep fading as time goes by. I wish you all the best, and you are not alone in this! It really is awful but you'll get through it xx

Dare2baDaniel · 31-12-2012 3:16pm

I am sorry you're going through this :-( I have had a terrible break up this year too. I still miss him and cry a lot especially going to bed at night. I think after a four year relationship it will take a whole year to feel ok again. The thing that has helped me is to really concentrate on myself, my family and my friends! Try to enjoy being independent of another half, no worries over arguments,explaining where u are going, what you're doing. Then when you meet someone new you will be ready :-) x

dorkacle · 31-12-2012 3:29pm

Same happened to me with a girlfriend I was with for over 4 years too, I feel the exact same. But like someone said, compared to when it just happened I don't feel as bad. I suppose it just takes time.

I haven't even been remotely interested in another relationship since , just focusing on myself for now really.

I always wondered was it easier for the girl to move on than the bloke, I don't know why, just my experience I suppose. But clearly it isn't!

Roll on 2013 though!

Single and (hopefully at some stage) ready to mingle!

Flutterby80 · 31-12-2012 8:18pm

Thanks everyone for your replies, it helps to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. I think it was just such a complete shock to me because of the way he did it and the lack of proper explanation, it would have been easier to come to terms with it if I had had some proper closure. He really did put me through hell and yet I still love him even though I want to hate him. I've decided that I'm going to try and take a few months out this year to go travelling, I feel like I need a complete change and I badly need to get away from here and all the memories for a while.

Starokan · 31-12-2012 8:31pm

It does get better, i can promise you that, you will never forget the extent of the hurt but a day will come when you will wake up one day and realise that you have not thought of your ex in days. Then it will be months until ultimately they do not even come into your mind.

There is no exact timetable for this unfortunately but it definitely will get better.

Just keep yourself as occupied as you can , its only when you have free time that you really get caught up thinking about the past

Flutterby80 · 31-12-2012 8:55pm

I really hope your right because even though I feel a whole lot better than I did 4 months ago I rarely go more than an hour without thinking of him and playing that day over and over in my head, wondering if I had said/done something different would he still be here. Its the worst feeling in the world to not have control of your own thoughts, I want to switch it off but I just cant.

CaraMay · 01-01-2013 10:38am

Op you do have closure. The relationship is over and that is all the closure you need. Sorry yo be harsh but so you really need him to spell out all the reasons he wants not to be in the relationship? Don't ask him again, gather your pride and accept he doesn't want the same thing as you.

LegacyUser · 01-01-2013 11:52am

Hi OP. I am in a very similar situation to yourself. My boyfriend of 3 years ended things quite suddenly in September. He said that he didn't feel anything and that he wasn't in love anymore. He broke up with me through email and refused to talk to me properly about it, so like yourself I didn't really get closure.

I was devastated for a while and still am, but now it's slowly getting better. Here is my advice:

- Focus on the negative aspects of your former relationship. Remember all the bad things about it and rationalize for yourself that getting back together would be a bad idea. Once you eliminate this prospect, it will be easier for you to move on. How good would it be if ye did get back together anyway? You would likely be quite insecure of him, given what he's done and said.

- Distraction is key. Fill your life with the people and things you love. Immerse yourself in your work and hobbies. Socialize. Be adventurous and try new things. Embrace your freedom and independence. Do all the things you might have felt weird about doing when in a relationship.

- Open your mind to the possibility of new love interests. Now is an oppertunity to experience that rare excitement and adreneline you get with a new crush

LegacyUser · 01-01-2013 12:04pm

I know exactly how you are feeling Flutterby. Pretty much similar has happened to me over the Christmas. Except I am in limbo as I don't know if I've been dumped, cheated on, etc. He just won't engage with me, so I've no idea where I stand.

I'm resigned to the fact that my relationship of almost four years is over though. I'm in the very raw stage where you were. My world has fallen apart. I think of him every minute of every day. I can't see a future without him. This man was part of my life everyday for almost four years. How can we just forget about that and move on as we are being told to? Are we meant to have no emotions, feel no regret, question ourselves?

I think though time must be the only healer, I can't see what else will. Also, your plans to take time out and travel is a wonderful idea. I intend to do the exact same later in the year when I eventually pull myself together and gain back some strength and confidence.

I wish you all the best. You are so not alone. We will get through this and experience lots of things we may not have should we have not gone though this misery

Flutterby80 · 01-01-2013 12:04pm

CaraMay wrote: »

Op you do have closure. The relationship is over and that is all the closure you need. Sorry yo be harsh but so you really need him to spell out all the reasons he wants not to be in the relationship? Don't ask him again, gather your pride and accept he doesn't want the same thing as you.

I gathered my pride 2 months ago and believe me I know that its over. Maybe I'm a fool but if I was going to break up with someone after a 4 year committed relationship I would at least have the integrity and maturity to sit down and have a conversation with them in order to allow them to move on.

CaraMay · 01-01-2013 2:58pm

Flutterby80 wrote: »

I gathered my pride 2 months ago and believe me I know that its over. Maybe I'm a fool but if I was going to break up with someone after a 4 year committed relationship I would at least have the integrity and maturity to sit down and have a conversation with them in order to allow them to move on.

I totally agree so isn't it for the best that you are not still with someone who has no integrity and who is immature.

daisybelle2008 · 01-01-2013 3:54pm

Flutterby80 wrote: »

He did however lash out and tell me that I had no life of my own all I had was him and my job.

.

Is there any truth to that statement OP?

Flutterby80 · 01-01-2013 4:44pm

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Is there any truth to that statement OP?

No truth whatsoever, he apologised afterwards and admitted he said it because he's not very happy with his own life. I have a great network of friends and am close to my family they are the ones who have gotten me through this.

daisybelle2008 · 01-01-2013 4:53pm

Flutterby80 wrote: »

No truth whatsoever, he apologised afterwards and admitted he said it because he's not very happy with his own life. I have a great network of friends and am close to my family they are the ones who have gotten me through this.

Sounds like he has a lot of issues OP,and you are better off away from him rather then him taking out things on you in such a horrible way. Looks like with all his bottling up, you couldn't really know him. If he is not happy with his life he is only going to drag you down. You are better off now although it is hard to see that.

LegacyUser · 01-01-2013 5:22pm

Hi OP

I wanted to reply as I went through the exact same thing this year too, just a bit earlier than you in March. My ex of three years (we lived together for two) broke up with me with no warning and very little explanation.

It was such a tough time, for weeks I cried continuously, still loved him, like you I couldn't go an hour (never mind a day) without him in my thoughts. About 3 months later I still felt upset and numb, constant Facebook stalking (even though I knew I shouldn't) etc. I couldn't face up to that my future (or what I expected it to be) was over.

About 7 months on something changed. I realised I didn't want to talk about him or dwell on him anymore. I began to feel more positive. I began thinking about all his bad points and how happy I was to not be with someone like that any more. I saw a future for myself and couldn't wait to live it. I realised I hadn't been Facebook stalking in weeks and he was no longer a part of my daily thoughts (when it was bad in the beginning he was in my thoughts multiple times an hour).

I started online dating and am now seeing someone else from it and looking forward to 2013.

You'll get there too OP. At your stage I was still a mess - but things will get better. You won't be empty forever - it really passes. As much as I couldn't ever imagine it at the time I'm now glad we broke up - there is someone better for you out there op

You have learnt so much from this experience. Bet this time next year you'll look back and be where I am now

Oh one thing - I'll probably never forget how angry I was at him - but I doesn't rile me up (if you know what I mean!) anymore.

Flutterby80 · 01-01-2013 10:17pm

Thanks for sharing this, tomorrow it will be five months since he left and I can see how far I have come in that time. I think I've just had a really rough few days and being off work gives me too much time to think so I'm glad I'm back tomorrow. I hope that when I get to 7 months down the line I'll feel a whole lot better again. What you said about Facebook really struck a chord because I can be doing fine and then I'll see pics of him on nights out on mutual friends pages and its literally like a knife through the heart seeing him smiling and seeming like he doesn't have a care in the world when I feel like my life is torn apart. Thanks again your post has given me some hope that things will start to get better soon.

dorkacle · 01-01-2013 11:49pm

Yeah I really thing the Christmas period doesn't really help these situations.
Time off loads of time to think... excessive alcohol consumption!

It can't help really

Flutterby80 · 02-01-2013 12:09am

dorkacle wrote: »

Yeah I really thing the Christmas period doesn't really help these situations.
Time off loads of time to think... excessive alcohol consumption!

It can't help really

Exactly and there's such pressure to be happy and put on a brave face, I didn't even put up my decorations this year I just wasn't up to it! Someone actually told me I should put them up because "noone has died". People can be so thoughtless at times.

dorkacle · 02-01-2013 12:33am

Flutterby80 wrote: »

Exactly and there's such pressure to be happy and put on a brave face, I didn't even put up my decorations this year I just wasn't up to it! Someone actually told me I should put them up because "noone has died". People can be so thoughtless at times.

Tell me about it, I've just gone through two weeks of family gatherings with everyone else showing up with their partners.

Followed by everyone asking for my ex, or asking 'am I single or what?', 'why am I single', 'am I happy', and even being told I should find someone! :rolleyes:

Just to get some of them of my back I was lying saying I had someone 'lined up'.... Jerks :pac:

RedorDead · 02-01-2013 12:50am

OP having finished my with fiancee of 8+ years early last year i know exactly what you are going through. As everyone said, there is no timeframe to put on when you will feel ready to move on and be "fixed". Speaking for myself i still feel a little raw and sad about it, my ex moved on much quicker than i did and i wish i knew her secret

To be honest you need to probably block how you see your ex on facebook. Block all those mutual friends even for 6/7 months. Delete all numbers and email addresses and remove your means of contacting him. Take time out - there is no rush to get back on the horse. You will be ready when you are ready. Cry and be sad if you want to be, never hold this in as its an important part of the process.

A change of scenery (travelling) might be good as speaking from personal experience the constant reminders of her around me are very hard and even hearing a song we loved on the radio can still set me off. Watching UP on christmas day had the same effect

Wishing you all the best for the future - when you can start picturing yourself with other guys again is when the healing can truly begin. Good luck x

Flutterby80 · 02-01-2013 7:59am

Thanks for your reply Red or Dead, blocking the Facebook contacts for a few months is a great idea I'm going to do that straight away. What you said about hearing a song on the radio is so true, I've been reduced to tears on my own in the car so many times when certain songs come on.
I don't know I think it's the fact that he had me almost on a pedestal for 4 years , made me feel so loved and secure and then just threw me away so easily is one of the hardest things to accept. He wouldn't even tell me when he had started to feel differently about me/us, soul destroying stuff. That's why I find it hard to believe that I'll ever trust anyone again, thanks again for your reply .

Flutterby80 · 02-01-2013 9:25am

By the way is it possible to block people temporarily or do you have to unfriend them first ?? Don't really want to have to unfriend them so I might just delete my account for a few months if that's the case

Roisy7 · 02-01-2013 9:35am

Flutterby80 wrote: »

By the way is it possible to block people temporarily or do you have to unfriend them first ?? Don't really want to have to unfriend them so I might just delete my account for a few months if that's the case

You can hide their updates, there's a little drop down menu that appears if you hover over the right hand corner of one of their status updates

JustAThought · 02-01-2013 9:42am

Flutterby80 wrote: »

By the way is it possible to block people temporarily or do you have to unfriend them first ?? Don't really want to have to unfriend them so I might just delete my account for a few months if that's the case

Hmmm.

You can unfriend them & after 6 months or a year or an appropriate time has passed ask them to be your friend again.

Or you can bar them from your account ; and un-bar them later.

FBcan make breaking up impossible & much more difficult . If they're gone let them go. Unfriend IMO. Don't be reading their post & watching what they're doing. It's v hard to move or or get space to think & close otherwise.

zumbar · 02-01-2013 1:24pm

Hi,

I went through something similar last October. My live in girlfriend sent me an email when she was on a business trip, saying it was all over - after 5 years. We were having issues, but I wasn't expecting her solution to be that !
For facebook, I'd definitely say unfriend the ex - It'll drive you around the bend to see what he/she is doing. I also took all mutual friends out of my news stream as she kept posting comments to their status updates, and it was like a kick in the face seeing them each time ....... If you go to a friends profile, there's an option to remove them from your news stream.

I don't have any other advice - it's as tough as hell. Know you're not alone though.

Flutterby80 · 02-01-2013 7:07pm

zumbar wrote: »

Hi,

I went through something similar last October. My live in girlfriend sent me an email when she was on a business trip, saying it was all over - after 5 years. We were having issues, but I wasn't expecting her solution to be that !
For facebook, I'd definitely say unfriend the ex - It'll drive you around the bend to see what he/she is doing. I also took all mutual friends out of my news stream as she kept posting comments to their status updates, and it was like a kick in the face seeing them each time ....... If you go to a friends profile, there's an option to remove them from your news stream.

I don't have any other advice - it's as tough as hell. Know you're not alone though.

Thanks for your reply! God that's must have been awful for you, you don't realise when your going through it that so many are in the same situation. In my case I knew something was wrong but he kept insisting that we were ok and that he loved me. He asked me to be patient with him and that he would be fine when his job transferred him back home and like a fool I believed him... Then for weeks he was acting like there was something wrong with him and that he was "dead inside" I can see now that he was just looking for pity and to avoid facing up to the truth, I even found a counsellor for him I was so worried.
He deleted his FBook the day he left me and has never gone back on it, it's through mutual friends that I'm seeing photos of him out on the town so I think I will just have to hide all these people from my newsfeed, either that or just delete my own account. Thanks again

RedorDead · 02-01-2013 11:02pm

Flutterby80 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply! God that's must have been awful for you, you don't realise when your going through it that so many are in the same situation. In my case I knew something was wrong but he kept insisting that we were ok and that he loved me. He asked me to be patient with him and that he would be fine when his job transferred him back home and like a fool I believed him... Then for weeks he was acting like there was something wrong with him and that he was "dead inside" I can see now that he was just looking for pity and to avoid facing up to the truth, I even found a counsellor for him I was so worried.
He deleted his FBook the day he left me and has never gone back on it, it's through mutual friends that I'm seeing photos of him out on the town so I think I will just have to hide all these people from my newsfeed, either that or just delete my own account. Thanks again

If you wont miss your own account it may be best to deactivate for a few months until you feel a little better. Its tough seeing people doing coupley stuff on Facebook when thats exactly what you miss.

Sorry to read about it. It hurts so bad and theres nothing easy to say that will make you feel better i am afraid. Someone did give some good advice earlier - try not to look back on the relationship with rose tinted glasses. Try not remember just the good stuff, the bad stuff will make you miss them a little less. Just also think about how he is thinking about you in his head. Its obviously not the same as you love/miss him so try not be as sad as you are - tough and all as it is.

There is an excellent thread in the Ladies Lounge - best things about being single. Give it a read and cheer yourself up

Flutterby80 · 03-01-2013 9:13am

RedorDead wrote: »

If you wont miss your own account it may be best to deactivate for a few months until you feel a little better. Its tough seeing people doing coupley stuff on Facebook when thats exactly what you miss.

Sorry to read about it. It hurts so bad and theres nothing easy to say that will make you feel better i am afraid. Someone did give some good advice earlier - try not to look back on the relationship with rose tinted glasses. Try not remember just the good stuff, the bad stuff will make you miss them a little less. Just also think about how he is thinking about you in his head. Its obviously not the same as you love/miss him so try not be as sad as you are - tough and all as it is.

There is an excellent thread in the Ladies Lounge - best things about being single. Give it a read and cheer yourself up

I did take a look at that thread it's very good thanks

Took your advice and thought about all the ****ty things he did say to me and also as someone else here said, did I really know him at all ?? Can't stop thinking that soon hel be with someone else and they will be getting all the love and attention that I got, it kills me. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way and I'm only hurting myself but I can't stop, he was such a loving boyfriend , so caring and would have done anything for me. My dad died 2 years ago and he got me through it, he carried his coffin, it hurts so much that he threw me away so easily.

LegacyUser · 03-01-2013 5:05pm

Dont focus on his future he isn't your concern anymore, that's hard to take in at this time but in a few weeks it will be all more clearer to you. You'll find someone that will treat you with all that love and affection and more again. There is no point beating yourself up about it. The relationship didn't work, but when you're ready you know exactly what you want from a relationship you'll feel all those things again...........with somebody you deserve.

Trust me I've been through this twice in the last few years. As for Facebook i'd advise deactivating your account. Have mine deactivated the last few weeks, no need for the drama and childishness of all that!

I know it's cliche but time heals all but take one day at a time and concentrate on yourself you deserve better!!

Flutterby80 · 04-01-2013 10:28am

Thanks for your reply, I know I really do need to stop thinking about him, I dreamed about him all night last night for Gods sake! It's so frustrating when you want to get over something but you just can't. I've decided that going away may well be the best thing for me so I'm looking into the possibilities at the moment. I'm hoping that going travelling will help me get over what's happened, I need something positive to come out of all of this.

zumbar · 04-01-2013 7:48pm

Best of luck with it. I do a lot of dreaming about her as well. Although my main issue is that I'm finding it very difficult to get any sleep at all. Once I go to bed my brain just starting picking the whole thing to pieces and falling asleep is impossible. If anyone has any suggestions for fixing this that would help alot !

Flutterby80 · 04-01-2013 8:16pm

zumbar wrote: »

Best of luck with it. I do a lot of dreaming about her as well. Although my main issue is that I'm finding it very difficult to get any sleep at all. Once I go to bed my brain just starting picking the whole thing to pieces and falling asleep is impossible. If anyone has any suggestions for fixing this that would help alot !

I know that feeling ! I'm still doing it 5 months later, though its not as bad as it was in the beginning. I actually got some mild sleeping tablets from the doctor and found they helped as a short term solution. Other than that just counting back from 100 continuously til I fell asleep or playing endless games of scrabble on my phone( I know it seems mental!) thanks for your reply

Fresh start

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