Need help!!

corby1992

Hello, let me start from the beginning. I was going out with the love of my life for three years until one drunken night I messed everything up and had sex with another woman. I do not remember a thing and knew it wasnt the real me and decided it was best if i never told her and tried to move on with our lives (selfish I know but i was just so scared at the time) but people began to find a few weeks out and i told her before anyone else could get the chance . She ended immediately and were still broken up .I want to say that we were the fairytale couple and were madly in love.I know in my heart shes the one I just need to prove to her.. Even since we haven't not talked for more than a day we really really love each other. I hate myself for what I have done I really do and ive dedicated the last couple of months to getting her back. We spent days and nights together since and we have had so much fun but it always ended in fights and her being upset and me with no answers for her. However for the first time in months we have kind of broken out of the circle and have been getting on well again. WE dont see each other much however and I think its because we both miss each other. Im so happy were getting on well but Im so agitated and nervous and being honest borderline obsessed with trying to make it work. I know time is the only answer and I will give her everything she needs no matter how long it takes. But in the meantime I just want to know have you any advice on how I should treat her show her that I am trustworthy that I am everything she thought I was because I genuinely am shes my life and I made a drunken mistake that ill never ever do again. Plus how do i stop myself from becoming stressed and depressed about not having her as my own which I fear Im heading towards. Thanks

Lorna123

Okay, Op this is what I would do if I were you. I would arrange a meeting with your ex. Explain to her that you are genuinely sorry for what happened and that you will never do this again. Tell her you love her and miss her and would love to have her back again to show her that you will be the loving b/f that you used to be.

Just say that you have tried to convince her in the last few months and now feel that the only option you have left is to give her time to think things through and when she has made up her mind what she wants to do to contact you and let you know. Do not see her while she is making up her mind. If she comes back to you and wants to give it another try you don't want any mention of what happened in the past, you just want to go forward. If she is not able to promise this then just let her go.

You have given her enough reassurance in the last few months and you cannot go on indefinitely anymore. The very fact that she now knows you are there in the background is keeping her from making a decision. What you need to do is break all contact until she comes up with an answer. Best of Luck.

corby1992

been separated for 3 months.. and at this moment in time she does not want contact to be cut were getting on well i just need to know how to bring her further on? just keep what Im doing maybe?

corby1992

Lorna123 wrote: »

Okay, Op this is what I would do if I were you. I would arrange a meeting with your ex. Explain to her that you are genuinely sorry for what happened and that you will never do this again. Tell her you love her and miss her and would love to have her back again to show her that you will be the loving b/f that you used to be.

Just say that you have tried to convince her in the last few months and now feel that the only option you have left is to give her time to think things through and when she has made up her mind what she wants to do to contact you and let you know. Do not see her while she is making up her mind. If she comes back to you and wants to give it another try you don't want any mention of what happened in the past, you just want to go forward. If she is not able to promise this then just let her go.

You have given her enough reassurance in the last few months and you cannot go on indefinitely anymore. The very fact that she now knows you are there in the background is keeping her from making a decision. What you need to do is break all contact until she comes up with an answer. Best of Luck.

I would do this but at this moment in time I think thats not right.. we talk everyday and shes the happiest she has been! She does not want contact to be cut! I just need to know how to bring her to the next level!

corby1992

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi there

There really is not much you can do. She no longer trusts you and may be thinking did you cheat other times and what is the likelihood you will do it again?

All I can suggest is respect the boundaries. Don't harrass her for contact, no matter how much you want to.

You cannot make her want you again. In time she may be open to the idea of a reconciliation, but in the meantime, try and fill your life with other things to take your mind off things a bit.

You dont say how long ago this all happened and how long you have been separated? That is kind of important.

I hope things work out for you. It sounds as though you really regret the mistake you made and far be it from me to judge you for a stupid mistake.

She knows this was the only time and she knows deep down Ill never ever do it again. weve been seperated four months on the 3rd of january!

Lorna123

corby1992 wrote: »

I would do this but at this moment in time I think thats not right.. we talk everyday and shes the happiest she has been! She does not want contact to be cut! I just need to know how to bring her to the next level!

If you want to bring it to the next level you give her an ultimatum, e.g. all or nothing. You are allowing her to be on the fence with you by accepting the level she is offering. If you continue to do this you will continue to get what you have been getting and get no further. You have to make a change and that is how you do it. As far as I can see she is keeping you dangling and you are allowing her to do that. You need to make a stand.

My understanding is that you are still separated from her but have telephone conversations with her and the occasional meet up, but you are not back in a relationship. Is that correct?

corby1992

Lorna123 wrote: »

If you want to bring it to the next level you give her an ultimatum, e.g. all or nothing. You are allowing her to be on the fence with you by accepting the level she is offering. If you continue to do this you will continue to get what you have been getting and get no further. You have to make a change and that is how you do it. As far as I can see she is keeping you dangling and you are allowing her to do that. You need to make a stand.

My understanding is that you are still separated from her but have telephone conversations with her and the occasional meet up, but you are not back in a relationship. Is that correct?

shes not stringing me along by any manner of means!! this is all my doing by keeping at her surprising her and ive entually gotten to a place where were happy.. I dont want to throw an ultimatum at her now because I have no right to say that to her I just want to make her move along through the progession of getting back together!! yes exactly.. contact everyday and occassional meet ups but shes not ready for more just yet!

Lorna123

She knows you are there OP and she knows she has you but you don't feel that you have her, and you haven't, because the relationship is not back on track. So how do you get it back on track, you have to back off a bit, and stop contacting her every day. What you have to do is make a stand, ask her outright what she wants and stop pussyfooting around her, because you will drive her away if you don't man up.

corby1992

Lorna123 wrote: »

She knows you are there OP and she knows she has you but you don't feel that you have her, and you haven't, because the relationship is not back on track. So how do you get it back on track, you have to back off a bit, and stop contacting her every day. What you have to do is make a stand, ask her outright what she wants and stop pussyfooting around her, because you will drive her away if you don't man up.

I appreciate your comments and you are right but just not yet! Im in no position to throw that decision at her yet and I have no intention of doing so! I want to get to a place where the time is right to do so! what I need is help and suggestions on what I can do/say/show to move her along becuase I have gotten her very far already? so maybe just do what Im doing for as long as it takes?

Lorna123

Well then if you genuinely feel that what you have been doing is paying off then just continue doing it. Best of luck OP and I am sure that everything will work out given time. I think you have learnt your lesson and this will bring you both closer together. So all is not lost.

corby1992

Lorna123 wrote: »

Well then if you genuinely feel that what you have been doing is paying off then just continue doing it. Best of luck OP and I am sure that everything will work out given time. I think you have learnt your lesson and this will bring you both closer together. So all is not lost.

thanks!! I hope so too. I have learnt my lesson Im not that guy I never was it was a drunken mistake and i never will be again! I know what ive done and lost and im not proud of either! just hope I can fix it fully someday

dellas1979

corby1992 wrote: »

I just want to make her move along through the progession of getting back together!!

Look, you and especially her have been through a terrible traumatising experience...if you love her, like you say, you will let her deal with this at HER own pace. Not yours, hers. Dont push her for fear of loosing it all, because then you really will loose it all.

There will come a time when decisions have to be made, by her. Alls you can do is wait...that is part of the consequence of what you did...keep telling her/reminding her how much you love her, offer her whatever she needs from you. She has questions that you dont want to/or cant answer (I think you can, but dont want to face up). An until you address this yourself, as to how this happened, she wont budge an inch. Why should she? Youve hurt her temendously, want to get back with her, but cant answer even the most basic of questions to allow her to move on.

Dare2baDaniel

I would keep doing what you're doing, be there for her, be kind, caring. This will make her realise you are not going anywhere and will always be there for her! In another few months hopefully it will be ok and she will have u back! Best of luck!

corby1992

Dare2baDaniel wrote: »

I would keep doing what you're doing, be there for her, be kind, caring. This will make her realise you are not going anywhere and will always be there for her! In another few months hopefully it will be ok and she will have u back! Best of luck!

This is what I was thinking, just needed reassuring that it might actually work. Thanks I dont care how long it takes once she does come back!

Dellnum

You were with your g/f for 3 years OP and you only cheated once and while this is not something to be proud of, you are now genuinely sorry, anyone can see that. Can your g/f not see that too? If after 3 months trying to persuade her that you are now genuine why can't she take you back now. Why the need to torment you further by keeping you dangling. I think she might lose respect for you if you don't take a stand on this. You are allowing her to keep you dangling and I don't think this is fair. Can you not see this? You would have a better chance of getting back with this girl if you told her that you cannot do this anymore but that if she ever wants you back to contact you. I do not understand this woman's mentality, either she wants you or she doesn't. What's wrong with taking you back now but if you ever cheat again then she lets you go for good. Why can't she agree to that ? I bet that if you took a stand OP you would have her back in a week. You are prolonging the agony by not taking a stand.

corby1992

Dellnum wrote: »

You were with your g/f for 3 years OP and you only cheated once and while this is not something to be proud of, you are now genuinely sorry, anyone can see that. Can your g/f not see that too? If after 3 months trying to persuade her that you are now genuine why can't she take you back now. Why the need to torment you further by keeping you dangling. I think she might lose respect for you if you don't take a stand on this. You are allowing her to keep you dangling and I don't think this is fair. Can you not see this? You would have a better chance of getting back with this girl if you told her that you cannot do this anymore but that if she ever wants you back to contact you. I do not understand this woman's mentality, either she wants you or she doesn't. What's wrong with taking you back now but if you ever cheat again then she lets you go for good. Why can't she agree to that ? I bet that if you took a stand OP you would have her back in a week. You are prolonging the agony by not taking a stand.

Maybe I worded my problem wrong this woman is by no means leaving me dangling. She is of great morals and needs time to prove to herself that this relationship will work that it is everything she thought it was before she dives back into it, and being honest I love her and respect what she is doing! Im just finding it hard without her in the meantime and im wondering is there anything I can do? I will take a stand but its not ready yet. people are different some take more time than others some need to be positive. She will not take me back with the mind that if he does it again hes gone she will only take me back of the mind that she knows I will never do it again and that our relationship is what she thought it was and I am the man she thought I was which I assure you both is true. I made a mistake I have no recollection and it makes me sick thinking what ive done

daisybelle2008

corby1992 wrote: »

Maybe I worded my problem wrong this woman is by no means leaving me dangling. She is of great morals and needs time to prove to herself that this relationship will work that it is everything she thought it was before she dives back into it, and being honest I love her and respect what she is doing! Im just finding it hard without her in the meantime and im wondering is there anything I can do? I will take a stand but its not ready yet. people are different some take more time than others some need to be positive. She will not take me back with the mind that if he does it again hes gone she will only take me back of the mind that she knows I will never do it again and that our relationship is what she thought it was and I am the man she thought I was which I assure you both is true. I made a mistake I have no recollection and it makes me sick thinking what ive done

Well not sure what you are looking for here OP. on one hand you seem happy to keep doing what you are doing on the other you are dismissing out of hand the advise to make a stand. There aren't really any other options open to you to fast track an outcome.
She can only take you back with the mind that if it does happen again she will be gone as she cannot guarantee it will never happen again, how can she? She cannot control or predict another persons behaviour 24/7, no one can.
Just be careful, the whole dynamic of your relationship could become quiet unhealthy. I mean nobody can guarantee they will never make a drunken mistake again, you can only take it one day at a time and do your best. You cant keep beating yourself up enough to satisfy someone else's security.

Lorna123

Also, OP, you are letting this woman control you at the moment. She is holding the strings as far as the relationship is going and even should you get back with her she will be forever lording this over you. I don't like the sound of this at all. You made a mistake, we have all made mistakes, but I have never had to pay for it for 3 months !!!! You should have been back with this girl for Christmas and quite honestly if she was't prepared to get back with you for Christmas I would call it a day. Yes, she is dangling you, but you just cannot see it because love is blind. You are now letting her walk all over you, so that does not make for a healthy relationship. You really should sit her down and discuss this, and tell her that you are not doing this anymore, but should she decide that she would like to make a go of it again with you then and only then contact you. You are pandering to this woman so she is in no hurry to make up her mind. As far as she is concerned you will always be there so while she checks in with you every day to see if you are still keen she is free to meet others. Nice arrangment for her, don't you think, but you need to start thinking about yourself OP and what you want, and if it is her then you must make a stand before it is too late. Happy New Year and hope it all works out for you.

RossFixxxed

OP you seem to know what you want to do already, you have dismissed anyone suggesting you take action. So you either know you want to continue in limbo for now (fine) or you are afraid to do anything (not fine). It's impossible to tell from what you have said. What do YOU actually want to do?

I hate to drag out this old conversation, but, no matter how drunk I ever was I would never consider doing anything with another woman. I've never seen how it is possible to just wander off and have sex with someone and then claim it was all the fault of booze. I can understand blurting rubbish out, falling on your face, being overly emotional, but hooking up with someone, heading home with them, sleeping together etc...

This is all entirely your fault, as you well know. It really is down to what you want, and if you are happy stringing it all along in no-mans land indefinitely.

Carriexx

HI OP, 3 months is a very long time. Unfortunately at this stage I feel you should walk away. You messed up but she has prob spent 3 months deciding if there is someone better out there for her, and if she doesnt find that soneone she may give you another chance. I wouldnt wait much longer to tell you the truth!

corby1992

Lorna123 wrote: »

Also, OP, you are letting this woman control you at the moment. She is holding the strings as far as the relationship is going and even should you get back with her she will be forever lording this over you. I don't like the sound of this at all. You made a mistake, we have all made mistakes, but I have never had to pay for it for 3 months !!!! You should have been back with this girl for Christmas and quite honestly if she was't prepared to get back with you for Christmas I would call it a day. Yes, she is dangling you, but you just cannot see it because love is blind. You are now letting her walk all over you, so that does not make for a healthy relationship. You really should sit her down and discuss this, and tell her that you are not doing this anymore, but should she decide that she would like to make a go of it again with you then and only then contact you. You are pandering to this woman so she is in no hurry to make up her mind. As far as she is concerned you will always be there so while she checks in with you every day to see if you are still keen she is free to meet others. Nice arrangment for her, don't you think, but you need to start thinking about yourself OP and what you want, and if it is her then you must make a stand before it is too late. Happy New Year and hope it all works out for you.

She might be controlling it at this stage in reality but all she is doing is taking one day at a time and seeing how she feels ..She wants to be sure shes over it that she would never bring it up again otherwise it wouldn't be a healthy relationship. I know I should sit her down and I do want to but what if it goes against me and its too early for that? shes not out meeting others at all its not like that this girl is still madly in love shes just so hurt! i also have a close friend of hers telling me to keep doing what Im doing and to be patient that she will come back someday she believes. In the end thats all I want I wont feel like this if she comes back itl be perfect but right now im just saying its very hard and I dont know what to do

corby1992

RossFixxxed wrote: »

OP you seem to know what you want to do already, you have dismissed anyone suggesting you take action. So you either know you want to continue in limbo for now (fine) or you are afraid to do anything (not fine). It's impossible to tell from what you have said. What do YOU actually want to do?

I hate to drag out this old conversation, but, no matter how drunk I ever was I would never consider doing anything with another woman. I've never seen how it is possible to just wander off and have sex with someone and then claim it was all the fault of booze. I can understand blurting rubbish out, falling on your face, being overly emotional, but hooking up with someone, heading home with them, sleeping together etc...

This is all entirely your fault, as you well know. It really is down to what you want, and if you are happy stringing it all along in no-mans land indefinitely.

Thanks for the advice but it was really not like that I never brought anyone home, I have never before even thought about cheating the thought of it makes me sick and I have friends that do it day in day out and my opinion of them is terrible so i dont need to be reminded I know what I have done I know its a mistake and hard as it may be for anyone to believe me I am not that guy. The situation in which this happened was pretty messed up and I dont want to discuss it anymore.

Thanks though as a man who is also clearly in love you can understand why I would wait through rain hell or snow even if its hard to get her back

daisybelle2008

So OP you don't appear to be looking for advise, just reassurance that it will work out. Nobody can give you that on here. You need to believe that yourself and keep going if you do. Good luck.

Lorna123

You only started this post 4 days ago OP and so far you have me convinced that you would never cheat again. What's wrong with this girl, that after 3 months of you grovelling to her she can't see this too, and she knows you, I don't. I don't get it !!

leonidas83

Your an insurance policy to her, if she gets a better offer or feels like sleeping around a bit she can do this with no consequences or guilt & have you there if things dont work out.

Tbh, I dont really believe that you didnt know what you were doing when you were cheating, if you were so drunk you wouldnt have been able to perform unless your some sort of superman. It sounds to me like you wanted to deep down but realised what a mistake you had made in the morning & I can understand this.

But its really difficult for any relationship to come back from a one night stand with someone else, its not only trust that suffers but jealousy & other issues become a factor also.

The advice you've gotten on here already has been solid, you need to man up & get an answer from her one way or the other about whether ye have a future together anymore. This pussyfooting around the subject will only end up with her starting a new relationship with someone else with you hanging on.

Trust me if you dont knock this "being there for her" on the head now you can kiss any future relationship goodbye. The very worst that can happen by having it out with her is her ending it & at least then you can move on with your life

corby1992

ibabe100 wrote: »

How would you feel if she slepted with some randon guy .doing all the things she do with you ..cheating ant worth it.. was it to you .. let her move on she deserves better than a lying cheating rat than you .do you think sorry a meanless word will be enough this girl got lucky before she was in to deep.. you know how it feels when it's returned to you .let this girl move on to find the right guy cause it sure ant you ..once a rat allways a rat ///////////

Thanks for your very valid input. Dont comment again please. You dont know me

Taltos

Can I remind everyone of our forum charter and site faq. Basically if you cannot offer constructive advice in a civil fashion please don't post.
We have zero tolerance here for muppetry or for personal abuse.

ibabe100 - I have deleted your most recent post above. Please take some time now to re-read our charter and faq.

Thanks
Taltos

corby1992

Lorna123 wrote: »

You only started this post 4 days ago OP and so far you have me convinced that you would never cheat again. What's wrong with this girl, that after 3 months of you grovelling to her she can't see this too, and she knows you, I don't. I don't get it !!

Thanks I really am being genuine! there's nothing wrong with her just high morals especially on this subject! Like I assure you she is not using me now whatsoever. Not out experimenting shes just taking her time to make a deciison which is huge to her!

booksale

I myself do not understand that someone can be so drunk that they don't even know what's happening.

I am just thinking if you keep on blaming the alcohol but not being 100% honest to yourself and her, she would forever have the doubts and fear. Dont blame the alchol, take your responsibility. Maybe you can think more deeper why you did that and explain to her. And if she still could not accept that, I guess, it's time to call it a day.

All the best.

ibabe100

Did the truth hurt ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

corby1992

ibabe100 wrote: »

Did the truth hurt ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

You dont know me, her or the situation. Think I havent beaten myself up over this enough already? Think I dont wish I could go back and change what Ive done? I spend every second of my day regretting what ive done and missing her! If I could beat myself up anymore "Ibabe" I would but sorry If I want to fix something with someone I love and who still loves me as much as she always did! So keep your comments to yourself I was asking for constructive advice not ridicule

Ickle Magoo

ibabe100 currently taking a weeks vacation for ignoring mod instruction/failing to heed warnings to post according to forum/site rules.

If anyone hasn’t done so already, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

As per site policy, if you have an issue with any moderator instruction or request please contact a relevant moderator via PM - DO NOT drag the thread further off-topic by responding on-thread

Fluorescence

If the 1992 in your username refers to your year of birth, I think you're both far too young to be trying to salvage this. 3 years is a very long time to be involved with someone at that age. Perhaps it's time to let her go. If you guys are really meant to be, you'll come back to each other years from now. For the moment, it sounds like ye both need your space. So stop running around after her. Cool it off for a bit.

I'm really not trying to be patronising here, so apologies if it comes across that way. I wish you the best of luck regardless.

corby1992

Fluorescence wrote: »

If the 1992 in your username refers to your year of birth, I think you're both far too young to be trying to salvage this. 3 years is a very long time to be involved with someone at that age. Perhaps it's time to let her go. If you guys are really meant to be, you'll come back to each other years from now. For the moment, it sounds like ye both need your space. So stop running around after her. Cool it off for a bit.

I'm really not trying to be patronising here, so apologies if it comes across that way. I wish you the best of luck regardless.

It does, doesn't mean the feelings aren't real! Childhood sweethearts with it all planned out.

Meauldsegosha

corby1992 wrote: »

i also have a close friend of hers telling me to keep doing what Im doing and to be patient that she will come back someday she believes.

How long are you going to wait? Another 3 months, 6 months, a year. That's not healthy or productive for either of you. After 3 months she should have an idea of how she feels and what the next stage of your relationship will be. Also how much does the friend really know its just her opinion. The advice you've been given by some posters is good advice, whether you want to use it or not. You really can't let this situation go on indefinitely.

corby1992

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

How long are you going to wait? Another 3 months, 6 months, a year. That's not healthy or productive for either of you. After 3 months she should have an idea of how she feels and what the next stage of your relationship will be. Also how much does the friend really know its just her opinion. The advice you've been given by some posters is good advice, whether you want to use it or not. You really can't let this situation go on indefinitely.

Apart from myself the person who knows her best! Thats why I believe her because I think she is right too, otherwise I would have thrown the ultimatum at her or given up but deep down I think this will work. Maybe this thread was a bad idea, I wrote it while upset and felt I had nobody to talk to!

Fluorescence

corby1992 wrote: »

It does, doesn't mean the feelings aren't real! Childhood sweethearts with it all planned out.

I have nothing against childhood sweethearts. I know a couple who married at 19 and are easily the best couple I know, 33 years later. I don't think this relationship is necessarily one of those though, just from what you've said here.

I may be wrong, but I'd be inclined to stop chasing her for now. If she will ever take you back, it must be as an equal. You're not her equal while you alone keep the contact going.

corby1992

Fluorescence wrote: »

I have nothing against childhood sweethearts. I know a couple who married at 19 and are easily the best couple I know, 33 years later. I don't think this relationship is necessarily one of those though, just from what you've said here.

I may be wrong, but I'd be inclined to stop chasing her for now. If she will ever take you back, it must be as an equal. You're not her equal while you alone keep the contact going.

That is true, but how i do cut contact with someone I love and rely on I feel she would be so upset if i never contacted her that she would think I didnt care. Is this true?

Fluorescence

It doesn't need to be a sudden cease of contact. You can just gradually contact her less and less. Pull back a bit. You can't rely solely on her. Maybe she'll think you're getting bored of her, maybe she'll think she needs to contact you more, maybe she won't even notice. It's impossible for strangers on the internet to predict what she'll think.

Alternatively you would tell her you want a break for a while, and tell her why.

corby1992

Fluorescence wrote: »

It doesn't need to be a sudden cease of contact. You can just gradually contact her less and less. Pull back a bit. You can't rely solely on her. Maybe she'll think you're getting bored of her, maybe she'll think she needs to contact you more, maybe she won't even notice. It's impossible for strangers on the internet to predict what she'll think.

Alternatively you would tell her you want a break for a while, and tell her why.

Thank you, I think I may need to ease off and see how it goes. I dont want to pull contact straight because I rely on it Im not going to put it any other way.

Lorna123

OP, you are young and probably have no experience of this kind of thing and how it works, but you are contacting this girl every single day and this is stopping her from making up her mind about coming back to you. She could be enjoying all the attention she is getting right now and is afraid to take you back in case all of this stops the minute you are sure of her again. I am trying to look at this from her side now.

It is like this if she really loves you and cares about you then you backing off will help her make up her mind all the quicker. There is no urgency with her right now because she knows you are there. If she thought for one minute that you are getting fed up and going off her she would make up her mind very fast. Give her the space to miss you, long for you and it will work out better for you. I am sure of it.

You think that if you back off she will think you don't love her anymore and this will put her off, well, no, that is not how it works. All you have to do is tell her that it is too painful for you to be in touch with her and not have things back the way they used to be. Tell her you are not going off her but that you need to give her the space to make up her mind without you influencing her, that you want her to make up her own mind and that when she has come to a decision to contact you. That is all you have to do and I can guarantee you it will make a big difference to the whole relationship.

Also, and I don't mean this in any unkind way, you need to quit discussing her with her friend, because this friend is going back to her and telling her everything you say, despite what she says to you. This is doing you no good at all, except reinforcing your girlfriend's idea that she can have you back any time she wants, so she will put this off indefinitely, or until she feels that she is losing you. Can't you see that? What you have been doing is really not working, you are not getting back with her, so why not try another method, the backing off method and the not contacting her method until she knows what she wants.

You are panicking OP, I can tell this by what you are saying and you are afraid to act. I wish I could get through to you that what you are doing is prolonging the agony.

corby1992

Lorna123 wrote: »

OP, you are young and probably have no experience of this kind of thing and how it works, but you are contacting this girl every single day and this is stopping her from making up her mind about coming back to you. She could be enjoying all the attention she is getting right now and is afraid to take you back in case all of this stops the minute you are sure of her again. I am trying to look at this from her side now.

It is like this if she really loves you and cares about you then you backing off will help her make up her mind all the quicker. There is no urgency with her right now because she knows you are there. If she thought for one minute that you are getting fed up and going off her she would make up her mind very fast. Give her the space to miss you, long for you and it will work out better for you. I am sure of it.

You think that if you back off she will think you don't love her anymore and this will put her off, well, no, that is not how it works. All you have to do is tell her that it is too painful for you to be in touch with her and not have things back the way they used to be. Tell her you are not going off her but that you need to give her the space to make up her mind without you influencing her, that you want her to make up her own mind and that when she has come to a decision to contact you. That is all you have to do and I can guarantee you it will make a big difference to the whole relationship.

Also, and I don't mean this in any unkind way, you need to quit discussing her with her friend, because this friend is going back to her and telling her everything you say, despite what she says to you. This is doing you no good at all, except reinforcing your girlfriend's idea that she can have you back any time she wants, so she will put this off indefinitely, or until she feels that she is losing you. Can't you see that? What you have been doing is really not working, you are not getting back with her, so why not try another method, the backing off method and the not contacting her method until she knows what she wants.

You are panicking OP, I can tell this by what you are saying and you are afraid to act. I wish I could get through to you that what you are doing is prolonging the agony.

yeah youre right, just afraid that she wont come back is all

Lorna123

You are coming across as very needy OP and that is not attractive to the opposite sex. You made a mistake but you were normally a very good b/f so one indescretion should not push this woman away to this extent. The only chance you have of saving this relationship is to quit talking about the problem to your ex and her friend and stop telling them how you feel about the whole thing. Leave them guessing and you will have more intrigue about you. If you stop contacting your ex then she might start contacting you for a change. Give her the chance to do this. Have a bit of self respect and tell this girl that you are not hanging around forever waiting and hoping. Then don't contact her and see if she contacts you. This will do nothing to damage the relationship any further and if this girl has any intention of ever getting back with you it will speed things up a bit. I think myself that things will work out but you want to get back on an even keel and not have her lording it over you forever. You have done enough grovelling. This is your best bet for getting back with her so go on try it. You have nothing to lose but everything to gain. Best of Luck.

corby1992

Lorna123 wrote: »

You are coming across as very needy OP and that is not attractive to the opposite sex. You made a mistake but you were normally a very good b/f so one indescretion should not push this woman away to this extent. The only chance you have of saving this relationship is to quit talking about the problem to your ex and her friend and stop telling them how you feel about the whole thing. Leave them guessing and you will have more intrigue about you. If you stop contacting your ex then she might start contacting you for a change. Give her the chance to do this. Have a bit of self respect and tell this girl that you are not hanging around forever waiting and hoping. Then don't contact her and see if she contacts you. This will do nothing to damage the relationship any further and if this girl has any intention of ever getting back with you it will speed things up a bit. I think myself that things will work out but you want to get back on an even keel and not have her lording it over you forever. You have done enough grovelling. This is your best bet for getting back with her so go on try it. You have nothing to lose but everything to gain. Best of Luck.

Youre really hitting home. I know I guess Ill just have to do this. Would you recommend doing this face to face. I have a gift of sentimental value I wish to give to her would it be a good idea to do this all in one over a dinner if she would meet me?

Lorna123

This is what I would do Corby. I would just stop contacting her with no explanation whatsoever and then let her contact you for an explanation. Then and only then would I suggest a meeting to explain to her and if she doesn't want to meet you then it is her loss. Do not give her any gifts, sentimental or otherwise, this is not the time for that. You can always give her something if she comes back to you, but not until then.

You can't think straight at the moment Corby, so I hope you take the advice from someone who can. If you do this you will show her that you have had enough of her indecision and that you are not prepared to be a doormat for anyone. This is what you have to do to regain respect from her. And above all do not pour out your heart to her friend, avoid this friend if I were you and tell her nothing. Do not tell anyone who might bring back messages to your ex as this will blow your plan.

So from now on no contact whatsoever and let her start to wonder what is going on. It is only then that you will see exactly what is going on in her head. If she contacts you to say Happy New Year or some such comment just return the good wishes but do not mention the relationship until she does first and then tell her that if she wants to discuss it that you will meet her, that you don't like discussing these things over the phone.

When/if you meet her just tell her that you still love her and want her back but that unless she is prepared to have you back you don't want any more contact with her. Tell her you want to give her space to make up her mind because you feel that you have been influencing her up to this. Do not grovel to her either, just state your case and wait for an answer.

Above all stop beating yourself up over this incident, you are young and vulnerable and what happened just happened. You are still a very fine person and never think otherwise. If you lose this girl it would have happened anyway and there is nothing you can do about it. Showering her with attention will not sway her. She will make up her own mind in her own time, and nothing you say will alter that. She knows how you feel at this stage. The rest is now up to her, not you.

I really hope this works out for you Corby, I feel for you.

corby1992

Lorna123 wrote: »

This is what I would do Corby. I would just stop contacting her with no explanation whatsoever and then let her contact you for an explanation. Then and only then would I suggest a meeting to explain to her and if she doesn't want to meet you then it is her loss. Do not give her any gifts, sentimental or otherwise, this is not the time for that. You can always give her something if she comes back to you, but not until then.

You can't think straight at the moment Corby, so I hope you take the advice from someone who can. If you do this you will show her that you have had enough of her indecision and that you are not prepared to be a doormat for anyone. This is what you have to do to regain respect from her. And above all do not pour out your heart to her friend, avoid this friend if I were you and tell her nothing. Do not tell anyone who might bring back messages to your ex as this will blow your plan.

So from now on no contact whatsoever and let her start to wonder what is going on. It is only then that you will see exactly what is going on in her head. If she contacts you to say Happy New Year or some such comment just return the good wishes but do not mention the relationship until she does first and then tell her that if she wants to discuss it that you will meet her, that you don't like discussing these things over the phone.

When/if you meet her just tell her that you still love her and want her back but that unless she is prepared to have you back you don't want any more contact with her. Tell her you want to give her space to make up her mind because you feel that you have been influencing her up to this. Do not grovel to her either, just state your case and wait for an answer.

Above all stop beating yourself up over this incident, you are young and vulnerable and what happened just happened. You are still a very fine person and never think otherwise. If you lose this girl it would have happened anyway and there is nothing you can do about it. Showering her with attention will not sway her. She will make up her own mind in her own time, and nothing you say will alter that. She knows how you feel at this stage. The rest is now up to her, not you.

I really hope this works out for you Corby, I feel for you.

Brilliant advice, thank you so much! I hope this works

Big Bag of Chips

OP, this will sound harsh but, if she really wanted to be with you, she'd be with you. She might not he deliberately stringing you along, it may not be her intention, but I think.it's what's called 'the long goodbye'. Rather than break up with you and have a clear break that would upset you both (for a time) it is being dragged out, to try make it 'easier' for both of you?

Anyway, there is also a saying 'How can I miss you, if you won't go away?!'

Like the others have advised you, I think it would be a very good idea for both of you to take a break from each other. That means deleting each other's numbers/Facebook etc... It makes it more difficult to be in constant contact. You can always very easily find each other again if/when the time comes.

I think the best you can do, as already advised is tell her you are giving her a break. That you will not contact her, that you don't want her to contact you, and that you want her to really really think about whether she wants to be with you or not.

She may decide that she doesn't, but at least you'll know, and can get on with getting over her.. as it is, you DON'T know where you stand, so you can't either celebrate being back with her, or mourn the loss of your relationship. You are both in a limbo.

It's not going to be easy for either of you, but it does need to be done. Otherwise this will drag on and on.. because you can't convince her that you won't do it again and to take you back, she needs to come to that decision alone, otherwise your relationship is based on you 'wearing her down', and it certainly won't last.

Step back from her now. Give yourself a timeframe, a month, two, three, whatever and promise yourself you will not contact her (or reply to 'hi, how are you' texts) in that time. She can't make her own mind up while you sit on her shoulder apologising and begging.

What will be, will be.

corby1992

just a question do you think wed be distant strangers if there was no hope?

Lorna123

I feel that your best chance is to try my advice above. I think it will work, but you have to follow it step by step and no cheating. If after a month you don't hear from her you don't cave in. That is very important. You have given her so much encouragement in the last three months that it might take her 2 months for her to fully realize that she could be losing you and for her to contact you, but I believe that contact you she will.

Stop worrying, you need to come across confident when doing this, not shivering in your boots.

You haven't given the impression that this girl hates you, so I am sure that you would not be distant strangers if she didn't want to take you back. The thing is that you are both very young and this relationship could have fizzled out anyway and not just because of your cheating. It is not uncommon for young people to break up at your age, nor is it uncommon for them to break up and then get back together again later on. You are going through all of this right now and it is mind blowing for you. I have been through break ups too in my time and they are the worst form of pain around. I was with a guy years ago who danced around me to try and get me back and I distinctly remember saying to my friend "if he would just back off and give me an ultimatum I would have more respect for him" and that is the honest to God truth Corby. I never did go back to that man because I lost all respect for him and we both moved on. So learn from my experience if nothing else.

Start with the month of January, stop the contact, look on each day with no contact as an achievement and watch how your confidence soars. Then if you get her back you get her back but if you don't then you will already feel good about yourself. Chin up you are almost there !

Taltos

Hi Tennis Beginner

as you have your own thread I would ask you not to derail this one by prompting the OP for information that is not already present.
As you might be aware PI/RI is a strictly moderated forum so if you have not already done so please take some time now to read our charter.

Thanks
Taltos