Fixing my life

LegacyUser

Hi,

I've spent most of the day crying today, not entirely sure why, So I need to get somethings that I can think of off my chest.

First off, I realize a lot of people have problems that are much,much worse than mine, that I should probably be grateful for what I have, for that I apologize but I don't know how to handle this.

I've recently started my first year in College which I commute to on a 20 minute bus journey on daily basis.
Around that time I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years (my decision, I didn't love her so I didn't see the point,she was also very needy). Reason I'm mentioning this will be explained.

Since maybe the beginning of December, I have started to realize that I feel out of my depth in my choice of course.
To put it simply, I just find 2 of the modules to be too hard for me, failing the xmas tests

I have started to feel lonely as I haven't clicked with anyone in my course and I have witnessed the different "groups" forming around me, I never enjoyed school until 4th year as I moved a lot and felt isolated, ignored by everyone. I then made good friends in 4th and 5th year, which I still see from time to time now. I hoped College could finally be that life I dreamed of.

It's not that I didn't try, I talked to as many people as I could for maybe the 1st month or two. I then started to realize that I was the only one making the effort every time. Paranoia or not, I began to think maybe I was annoying, not interesting enough, that nobody actually liked me.
My friends from school have all made new friends in College, I feel a bit embarrassed that I haven't really been able to. Something else which really bugs me and is probably completely stupid is that whenever I'm on facebook, nobody ever engages in a conversation with me. Ever. I have also developed a fear of starting conversations with people both on Facebook and in real life, so not as to appear annoying.

The reason I mentioned the break-up is because whenever I go out with my friends on a night-out, we are meant to be "pulling". Before I had a girlfriend I was fine with girls, but since I've broken up I have found myself incapable of even striking up the courage to talk to girls, in fact I don't even know what to do anymore.

I've also noticed I have a problem with alcohol, I drink too much/too often. I realize it's my way of escaping reality.
Recently I've ended up crying after nights out(on my own), even a few times when I'm sober. I don't really know why when it does happen, until now . I feel embarrassed to talk to anyone about this, I feel this isn't very important and hoped for a while it could just pass.

There is a history of depression in my family, for both my father and my sister. My father's personality has greatly changed from his younger days.
He doesn't speak to anyone and doesn't really do anything, in fact after work he sits there, staring into empty space or sits in front of the computer, before going to bed and repeating this everyday.
my parents have been divorced as early as I can remember, so I probably speak to him once or twice every 6 months. My sister took medication for a few years and is fine now.

I don't want to become like that, sometimes I think I'm a shell of the life I could have had, I find myself envying everyone around me both socially and physically. I hate what I see in the mirror and I have started shaking a lot.

I sometimes question the point in my existence, I feel like I have never accomplished anything.




Any help would be appreciated, I have tried focusing on the positives in my life, but these thoughts always linger back into my mind I realize I may sound pathetic, and some of you may be thinking "get a grip son".

Thank you for reading and sorry for the long post.

looksee

Sorry you are not feeling too good OP. Christmas can be a gloomy time of year if you are not feeling the best.

There is no need to apologise or feel guilty because your problems are not as bad as everyone elses. Your problems are your own and you should not compare yourself. It does no harm to tell yourself that you are comparatively well off, but it doesn't make your problems go away.

Just because you are down and fed up and weepy doesn't necessarily mean you are depressed in the medical sense. You might be, I don't know, and if things don't improve you should talk to your GP. But just because you have experience of depression in your family does not mean you are the same.

So, college. You failed two modules, you passed all the rest. Decide you are going to do a bit of extra study over the holiday and see if you can catch up with the modules. If you are still having trouble when you go back, ask for help, ask the relevant tutor where you failed. Is it stuff you are not understanding or just that you didn't spread your study time appropriately?

This first term testing is important to establish what stage everyone is at, and the tutors will probably be anxious to discuss them with everyone. This is not giving out because you have failed, its a fact-finding exercise to see how you are getting on. It certainly isn't too late to catch up.

Don't get uptight about how many friends you have made in the first term. Go back bright and breezy and say hi to people, you may be surprised to find how many people are friendly back. First term is hard work for everyone and you again have not missed the boat, there is time to get to know people, provided you are relaxed about it, don't try too hard, just be easy and friendly and chat casually when you get chance.

Try and be with the group when they go into the canteen and join them, don't wait to be asked, they are all too busy dealing with themselves to think of asking you. Its not unfriendly, its just that you have to kind of assume that you are welcome. You don't have to be the life and soul of the party, just be there.

Give yourself a break with the girlfriend situation. You have just broken up with someone, you don't have to rush into another relationship. Relax, don't worry about what the others think, let them think away, though honestly they probably are not thinking about what you are doing at all.

Relax. You are not your father, you are going through a bit of reaction to a stressful few months, starting college, and all that is implied by that. You are also feeling a bit sorry for yourself. It happens, but don't let it take over. From tomorrow, get up, go for a walk, come back and do a bit of work, study or round the house, sort out your stuff for college, meet a friend for a chat, keep moving.

If you are not feeling more confident and upbeat after you have been back at college for a week or two, then maybe go and talk to your doctor, but in the meantime, get up, keep going, get exercise, do things you have been putting off. Good luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply looksee!

You're right, I shouldn't sit around moping and feeling sorry for myself. I need to make it happen, nobody else will do it for me.

noah45

Things are never as bad as they first seem feekingbroken.
Doni be so hard on yourself. You come across as a lovely person.

Lookse gave fantastic advice, on top of that mine would be to chat with a gp or seek out something for social aniexty,

2rkehij30qtza5

Sorry you are feeling so low OP.
There seem to be a number of sub-issues here all stemming from a larger issue.

You seem to have low self-confidence.

College is a place where there are people with all sorts of personalities. I guarantee you there are others in college who you will click with. Everyone is kind of on the same level in college...people are all of reasonable intelligence etc. etc. My point is that there are many, many others who are of the same 'type' of person as you are...so there ARE friends out there just waiting to be made.

Let's look at each issue individually...

1. Two modules are difficult for you & you failed the Xmas exams.
Ok, well first of all you are one of thousands who will have failed Xmas modules in colleges across Ireland. Could you get a few grinds??? I've done a number of degrees in my life in a few different uni's and I've never gone through a course where I found every module a doddle. College is a challenge. I know you don't know many people in your class but would it be possible to study in maybe a reading room or library environment close to other classmates? Then when you get stuck, get up off your chair, approach them and say "hey, sorry I know you are busy doing your study but would you know how to do x? I'm a bit stuck!". My class (engineering) were excellent at approaching each other and helping each other out.

Could you send a group Facebook message to your classmates..."happy new year everyone!!. Quick question...anyone have any good notes on x and y that I could make a copy of? I failed the Xmas exams in them and need to swot up for the resits! Cheers!"

2. Facebook
I know you are paranoid about Facebook. Bite the bullet and just send out that message. Hey, it could even get you into conversations with others about what they are doing for NYE and you may even get an invite somewhere!
Don't place too much emphasis on Facebook. Some of the most popular people I know don't use their Facebooks at all and never get poked or messaged or whatever.

3. Depression
Just because your father and sister suffered doesn't mean it's written in stone that you will too.

4. Ex-girlfriend
"pulling" women is not something you should be concentrating on when you are out! Can't you just go out and have a great laugh with the lads. The women thing will happen...and honestly it's when you least expect it. I know from myself and my group of friends...we used to hate it when we knew lads were only talking to us so they could score us! When people are on the "pull" they give off that vibe. So leave it at home the next time you are out and concentrate on having a great laugh instead. Now, I'm a married woman with two kids in my early 30's but here is an example....I went out last weekend with my girls and we were having the best laugh ever....dancing like mad women and just generally having the crack. The amount of lads who approached us was mind boggling and one even said to us that we looked like great fun and that was why he was drawn to us. So that's my point...have fun yourself and the rest will follow. You are only young. I remember the "droughts" as we used to call them in college where you mightn't have had a snog in a few months....once we stopped caring we seemed to emit a "dont care" vibe and that's when lads would be like bees to a honey pot! Trust me!!!

5. Alcohol
You need to tone it down a bit. You know this yourself. By all means go out and have a few, get merry but don't get plastered to the extent that it wrecks your night and causes you to be depressed/down afterwards.

6.
What you can do.
(a) on nights out forget about the "pulling" and talking to girls. Stop looking at them as "objects to score". That would make anyone feel nervous!!!! Talk to women you don't fancy, talk to lads, talk to everyone-oul lads, people sitting next to you etc on nights out and you will begin to realise that a night out is not all about "pulling" and I promise, the rest will follow.

(b) you sound like a lovely articulate young man. You sound caring and nice. You need to join a few societies and groups in college. What are you in to??? I guarantee there is a club or society for it. Take up something new! I remember joining judo in college...something I knew nothing of! I was useless at it but I did love the social side to it. I joined on my own knowing nobody and soon I had 50+ new friends and acquaintances!

I know I've practically written a novel here but my heart goes out to you. I have a younger sister in her mid-twenties. She sounds like you. An absolutely stunning looking tall tanned beauty...truthfully. And like you, she has no confidence, afraid to engage with people, cries etc.

There IS an answer to all of your woes. First and foremost address the failed exams and first thing after Xmas get your name down in a few clubs and societies.

Take care

desolate sun

Hi OP

I would just like to add that don't be too hard on yourself. College is a major life step and it's quite hard to make the transition. You have so many things to juggle, a lot of them new - a new course that's completely different than anything at second level, new classmates. Chances are its your first time living away from home and all the changes and stresses that brings.
Not to mention exam stress, Boy/girl problems, your own identity, money woes, etc, etc

College is such a different dynamic than secondary school. You really are an adult now, standing on your own two feet. And while that is very exciting, it can also be very stressful. So it isn't that unusual to be feeling as you do.

What I found very helpful in college was the help you can get. I had a few problems whilst at college and I spoke to the college counsellor. She was extremely helpful and there was no shame whatsoever in going to see her. An awful lot of students avail of this service. It's free and I would definitely recommend it.

But pat yourself on the back for acknowledging your feelings and asking for a bit of help. We all need a bit of a hand at times. And don't be hard on yourself.
Have a wee chat with The counsellor if you like. You'll probably feel so much better afterwards.

Take care OP. I wish you the best of luck