Should it be easy?

light_gets_in

Hi all, would appreciate your advice on something...in your experience, if there are significant problems at the beginning of a relationship, is this a sign that it will be difficult to sustain down the line? Should it be 'easy' at the start? Or have people had experiences where the first few months have been stormy but then things have settled down?

I was seeing a guy for 3 months. We broke up but continued seeing each other as 'friends' for the last month. It's become apparent (surprise surprise) that friendship is not an option for us right now as the feelings are too strong (on my side anyway) and my only options now are stop contact or give the relationship another go (if both of us want that).

The issues that were making it difficult were time (he has less than me), keeping in touch (less important to him than me) and insecurity / need for reassurance (me). He is a lot older than me and has a child. (I'm 29 with no children.)

I've only had one LTR and two shorter ones so any advice / experiences shared would be appreciated.

Thanks.

cantdecide

I think the newness of the relationship is irrelevant at this point. Only you can decide if these things you've mentioned are deal breakers. You have to first figure out if this guy wants. It's not impossible that something casual is all this guy is looking for.

2rkehij30qtza5

My belief is that things should come 'easily' and naturally. My husband is the only man who ever ticked all the boxes (although u did have a few ltr beforehand) and with him everything is 'easy' and the relationship has flowed from day dot.

judgefudge

Are you generally insecure/clingy in relationships?

Usually the start of a relationship can be exciting and fun. It would be a shame to miss out on that. That's not to say it couldn't work out, but I imagine you'd have to be able to accept how he operates in a relationship. If you can't do this, you're just not compatible.

Feeling insecure and needy is never a nice way to feel. Are you sure he is worth it?

R.D. aka MR.D

My OH and I were talking about this recently. It seemed like we were fighting constantly for the first 3 months but then became blissfully happy. We still fight but not on the scale we did before.

It was like we were negotiating with each other how we wanted the relationship to go but through shouting!

That's just my personal experience. You have to decide if it's worth for you guys.

beks101

light_gets_in wrote: »

The issues that were making it difficult were time (he has less than me), keeping in touch (less important to him than me) and insecurity / need for reassurance (me). He is a lot older than me and has a child. (I'm 29 with no children.)

Don't think there's a 'one size fits all' with this stuff. It's very personal and dependent on the individual personalities.

For me - any good relationship I've had never left me doubting or worrying about seeing him or in desperate need of reassurance. Because each time I had met someone who was on the same page as me - liked me back, had his own busy life going on too but wanted also to see me regularly (once or twice a week in the beginning), was happy to have some form of contact every day, be it a text or quick call or whatever.

Personally, those are my relationship needs and expectations and anything falling short of that means we are simply incompatible. Personally, I wouldn't sit around feeling needy or insecure or driving myself crazy waiting to hear from a guy because he had an erratic style of communication that didn't fit with my own or I was lower down on his agenda than he was to me.

Really, those are perfect breeding grounds for resentment, insecurity, paranoia and general head fcuk that will only serve to make you feel bad about yourself and your needs - which you are perfectly entitled to by the way.

I don't think every new relationship should always necessarily be 'easy' - but honestly, it shouldn't be as hard as yours sounds either. It should be a positive force and not one which just brings all these negative feelings into your life.

I think you really just have to decide what your standards are and what you're prepared to accept in your relationship, because really this guy is not going to change. Are you OK with seeing him or hearing from him less than feels natural for you? Are you OK with being further down on his list of priorities than he is to you?

No-one can answer these questions for you really.

CaraMay

Beks101 hit the nail on the head - maybe ye are just not compatible??? I would get out of the friends with benefits scenario straight away as it only messes with your head. Tell him it's finished and move on. If he really wants you he may buck up his act and come back to you. If not then at least you know.

LegacyUser

There's no one way it should be. Sometimes relationships start out with a honeymoon period, then the arguing comes. Sometimes they start off difficult and then get better as you learn from experience. Sometimes people have conflicts wedged in between periods of smooth sailing. You are individuals in your own unique context and set of circumstances, and none of us can predict what will happen for you. The only way you'll find out is if you give it another go. If you do get back together (and it may well be a better decision not to), try having more frank discussions and be open about what the both of you want. Like someone else said, it's not impossibile that he's just looking for something casual, while you want more. I'd also point out that it's alright to "argue". If you value the relationship, you will resolve your issues instead of bottling things up and pretending everything's fine.

light_gets_in

Thanks everyone, it's great to get different perspectives. Just to clarify it's not a FWB situation right now, actually the opposite. I don't think he's only looking for something casual but certainly I was getting serious more quickly than he was and he felt under pressure. Beks101 has put it well, these are my needs, and if he can't meet them it's just going to continue on in the same way. I just find it hard to make the break as I really like him. Last comment was also really helpful, the issues do need to be resolved as when I try and suppress my feelings I just feel worse overall. Will have to tell him how I'm feeling and go from there.

CaraMay

You are hitting the nail op. he is not a bad guy but he is just not what you need right now.

LegacyUser

light_gets_in wrote: »

Thanks everyone, it's great to get different perspectives. Just to clarify it's not a FWB situation right now, actually the opposite. I don't think he's only looking for something casual but certainly I was getting serious more quickly than he was and he felt under pressure. Beks101 has put it well, these are my needs, and if he can't meet them it's just going to continue on in the same way. I just find it hard to make the break as I really like him. Last comment was also really helpful, the issues do need to be resolved as when I try and suppress my feelings I just feel worse overall. Will have to tell him how I'm feeling and go from there.

A problem I had with my ex was that we had different perspectives on what was going on. Whenever I wanted to talk about things he thought it was a "fight". Whereas from my perspective it was a positive thing! Just talking. Make sure you are both clear on that.