Can cheaters ever change?

LegacyUser

I was with my ex for almost four years, for the last year of it we were living together. We split up and I moved out 8 months ago.

Now here's the story. Right from the start of our relationship (3months in) I had suspicions about him and other women, I found him texting another woman. Various incidents like this happened over the years, culminating in me leaving when i found out he was seeing a woman he worked with for 2 months.

But there is a twist. 6 months into us moving in together I decided to stop drinking.when I used to drink I blacked out, was an angry person, even kissed other guys on nights out sometimes. I decided to stop drinking in the hope it would save myself and save my relationship, but it didnt. He began staying out all night and ignoring my calls/turning his phone off, and generally ignoring me when he was in the house, then had an affair with someone else.

The past 8 months have been so hard without him, I cry myself to sleep almost every night because I still love him so much. We kept in contact, talkin about once every few weeks. He always tried to get me back. Now he tells me he has changed, and says throughout our relationship he was immature and did not realise how much he loved me until I was not there.


Can I believe he has changed his womanizing ways? I know I changed myself but I find it hard to believe when he tells me he has changed.

Thank you for reading this

Neyite

How long is a piece of string?

I know several couples who have successfully moved on from cheating but equally, I know plenty who have given the cheater another chance only for them to blow it.

One cheated a single time and they broke up. After over a year apart, they gave it another go and the cheater will never cheat again - they realised what they had.

Another serially cheated so the partner also cheated a few times to "get back" however they were young, and are now older and are a committed couple - well, she is, he has just learned to be a lot more discreet the odd time he plays away.

And I know couples for whom cheating can and did have no way back. That it destroyed the trust entirely and therefore the basic fundamental of the relationship is gone. (this is where I would feel my personal stance would be on cheating)

You still have feelings for him, and it seems like you want to believe him, so if you give him that last chance, you:
Will always know that you gave him that chance to right the wrong.
Can walk away if he cheats knowing that he will never change.

If you choose not to try again, he will hopefully take that lesson of love lost due to his behaviour to the next relationship, and apply it. Or he will learn to hide his tomcatting around better.

It really depends on the person - he may very well be genuine, but even he probably does not know for certain that the next time he is tempted he will remember what he has to lose and turn down the opportunity.

Chucky the tree

A once of mistake I could see why that would be forgiven and a person could not do it again. However continuously cheating throughout a 4 year relationship is never something that would be able to change. It showed with his actions that he has zero respect for you, that's something that will never change tbh. With your equally poor behaviour it seems that you's two are far better off apart.

judgefudge

In my opinion no... He won't change. It's one thing to have a drunken slip and then regret it completely. But to continuously cheat on someone you're supposed to love is a sign of a person who is either completely selfish or has such low self esteem that they have to have a constant ego boost. That sort of person won't change.

I would run for the hills OP. there are plenty of men out there who can and will commit to one person. That's what you deserve.

shalalala

You changed so maybe he has too? I tend to be of the school of thought that words are cheap and actions are where it is at. So take it slow and let him prove that he has changed.

Rosy Posy

I have managed to move on from faithfulness in my relationship but it's a long road and you have to both be prepared for brutal honesty. I think that for us working through the problem helped to make the relationship stronger and also opened our eyes to each others flaws. Imho a true and lasting love involves seeing the bad parts of your partner as well as the good and loving and accepting them as they are not how you think they should be.

In saying that other aspects of your partner's behaviour are worrying- the disrespect and the vindictiveness. Have your eyes open to these traits and don't allow anyone to treat you with anything other than the respect you deserve.

Ickle Magoo

Yes cheaters can change - but that's not to say every cheater will change.

It really depends on the person and their life experiences forcing them to do some work on themselves...I think someone who is capable of cheating and compartmentalising/accomplishing the mental gymnastics required in order to wilfully deceive a partner they claim to care about often have some very deep seated emotional issues (narcissism/conflict avoidance/passive aggression/low EQ, etc)...and unless those are addressed, the pattern is very likely to repeat through-out that persons life.

OP, your relationship sounds like it was very unhealthy - from both sides. If you have both done some of the work required to address that then there's no reason why your relationship can't now succeed...a word of warning tho, words are cheap, in my experience look at your own and his ACTIONS to see if and when you have a healthy relationship worth pursuing.

All the very best. :cool:

CaraMay

I do think someone can cheat on a particular partner but not with the next so cheats can change if they change partner but seldom if they stay with the person they have cheated on.

tomthetank

Toxic toxic toxic relationship.

He was cheating right from the start of the relationship, you have self esteem problems, this was always and will always be a recipe for disaster.

There's no trust there and there's nothing solid to base the relationship on except your dependency and need for validation and his ego's need to 'win you back'.

Find yourself a good counselor and start working on your sense of self worth.

JustAThought

Do you mean you, or him ?

You say you would get drunk & go off with people & that you suspected him of cheating.


And that when drinking you would get angry & abusive. Possibly why he would turn his phone off.

Really dosn't sound like a fantastic relationship ?

Maybe worth you both calling it a day.

Dare2baDaniel

I would agree with finding yourself a good counselor. Obviously people are capable of change, but you will always be taking a huge risk if you gave him another chance. Think if you want to risk going through the pain again