came home and me da was baking an apple tart??

LegacyUser

Hello
I really just want to get stuff off my chest to what I assume are going to be understanding ears
So no more than a few hours ago me dad told me that he was transgender.
I'm in my early twenties so thankfully now at this stage I can atleast get a handle on it.
I dont really know what to feel. Its terrible really.
First thing I did was laugh, I thought it was hilarious. It is actually pretty funny to be fair, even after I knew he was serious I still found it a bit funny and we've been joking about it on and off since he told me.
But I spose the reality is its a massive fecking shock altogether like. Its almost unbelievable.
When I was growing up he was a very manly man, not in a way like drinking and watching soccer and GAA but in that he was always fixing the roof, working on the car, welding things, fishing camping all that stuff.
I'm the first man he's told about it aswell which I think is a bit of an honour.
First thing I said to him was "I don't care" not in a flippant way like but in an accepting way, but after sitting down with him and my mother and talking about it for a few hours I realised its nowhere as simple as that.
I'm in a state of shock, there's all sorts of reprecussions. He doesnt know how far he is going to go, he might go all the way and get gender reassignment surgery he might stop at dressing as a woman every now and then.
He showed me some pictures of himself as a woman, and I just couldn't believe it.
My mother is being very supportive of him but they don't know whats going to happen between them, they might separate. But apparently they still love each other. which is nice.
I'm finding it hard to explain my feelings at the moment. I'm shocked, in denial, accepting, feeling pity on him (and my mother)
The worse one is guilt though. Me and my brother used to take the piss out of him all the time for most of our lives when he would do something slightly feminine, in kind of a lads joking around kind of way. He used to have this very feminine jumper that he liked wearing but we put him off wearing it by constantly saying he looked gay etc.
When I came home last week for christmas he was baking an apple tart. I thought it was hilarious I'd never seen him do something like that and of course I made fun of him for it. (was lovely tart though!)
Now I know that he always wanted to bake but never could because he felt it was a girly thing to do.
Worse of all though is the other night I was chatting to my parents about someone who had a stepdad and her real dad over in america and a gay brother and a sister who was a drug addict.
I said "If there's one thing I'm grateful for its having a normal fecking family". I hate to think how that must have made my dad feel when I said that.
After he told me today I broke down crying (Haven't cried since I was about 11,and that was about a girl) I told him that it still stands and that he'll always be my dad and all that emotional stuff, but I just feel sorry for him now. He said I probably wont ever look at him the same, I suppose I wont and I feel terrible for that But in my eyes now he's a woman and it freaks me out a bit.
Anyway sorry for a long auld speil about nothing but I'm glad to be able to get this off my chest. Would really appreciate it if someone just had anything at all to say to me. I don't really know where to go for help. My dad's in a few support groups now I think but I dont know who to talk to about it, since I don't think hes ready for it to all come out in the open just yet. (I think we are all dreading telling my brother)

liquoriceall

transgenderdad wrote: »

Hello
I really just want to get stuff off my chest to what I assume are going to be understanding ears
So no more than a few hours ago me dad told me that he was transgender.
I'm in my early twenties so thankfully now at this stage I can atleast get a handle on it.
I dont really know what to feel. Its terrible really.
First thing I did was laugh, I thought it was hilarious. It is actually pretty funny to be fair, even after I knew he was serious I still found it a bit funny and we've been joking about it on and off since he told me.
But I spose the reality is its a massive fecking shock altogether like. Its almost unbelievable.
When I was growing up he was a very manly man, not in a way like drinking and watching soccer and GAA but in that he was always fixing the roof, working on the car, welding things, fishing camping all that stuff.
I'm the first man he's told about it aswell which I think is a bit of an honour.
First thing I said to him was "I don't care" not in a flippant way like but in an accepting way, but after sitting down with him and my mother and talking about it for a few hours I realised its nowhere as simple as that.
I'm in a state of shock, there's all sorts of reprecussions. He doesnt know how far he is going to go, he might go all the way and get gender reassignment surgery he might stop at dressing as a woman every now and then.
He showed me some pictures of himself as a woman, and I just couldn't believe it.
My mother is being very supportive of him but they don't know whats going to happen between them, they might separate. But apparently they still love each other. which is nice.
I'm finding it hard to explain my feelings at the moment. I'm shocked, in denial, accepting, feeling pity on him (and my mother)
The worse one is guilt though. Me and my brother used to take the piss out of him all the time for most of our lives when he would do something slightly feminine, in kind of a lads joking around kind of way. He used to have this very feminine jumper that he liked wearing but we put him off wearing it by constantly saying he looked gay etc.
When I came home last week for christmas he was baking an apple tart. I thought it was hilarious I'd never seen him do something like that and of course I made fun of him for it. (was lovely tart though!)
Now I know that he always wanted to bake but never could because he felt it was a girly thing to do.
Worse of all though is the other night I was chatting to my parents about someone who had a stepdad and her real dad over in america and a gay brother and a sister who was a drug addict.
I said "If there's one thing I'm grateful for its having a normal fecking family". I hate to think how that must have made my dad feel when I said that.
After he told me today I broke down crying (Haven't cried since I was about 11,and that was about a girl) I told him that it still stands and that he'll always be my dad and all that emotional stuff, but I just feel sorry for him now. He said I probably wont ever look at him the same, I suppose I wont and I feel terrible for that But in my eyes now he's a woman and it freaks me out a bit.
Anyway sorry for a long auld speil about nothing but I'm glad to be able to get this off my chest. Would really appreciate it if someone just had anything at all to say to me. I don't really know where to go for help. My dad's in a few support groups now I think but I dont know who to talk to about it, since I don't think hes ready for it to all come out in the open just yet. (I think we are all dreading telling my brother)

Dont have much to say just you seem to have done well so far & good luck to your whole family

Lyaiera

That you're willing to consider both your own and your parent's thoughts is pretty much a better reaction than a lot of transgender people have to deal with.

Depending on where you're based have you thought about seeing a therapist? There are definitely therapists around the country dealing with gender issues, and they're more than happy to take on family members of transgender people and help them get through the issues.

lottpaul

liquoriceall wrote: »

Dont have much to say just you seem to have done well so far & good luck to your whole family

I agree - there will be others along who will be able to tell you personal experiences etc but for now I think you're doing very well. It's a huge shock for you and your mind is probably bursting with things that happened in the past and even more about what the future holds.
But a few things:

• you're the first guy he has told --- thats a really really big sign of the love and respect he has for you and a massive compliment.
• your mother is supportive and they still love each other - it's a difficult time for them both and she may need a listening ear, but they will work on their own relationship and decide what's best for them
• you're all in a state of shock -- take your time, easy does it, there's no need to rush at things
• imagine how difficult it was for your father to actually tell you - it took a lot of courage to do that
• don't be afraid to look or ask for help
• don't beat yourself up over what you said - last week, last year, ten years ago etc. It's over and done with and I'm certain no offence was intended
• and as far as "normal" families go,,,,,,,,,,, what's normal?

good luck

Javan

It sounds like you are off to a good start.

I remember my sister coming out to me as trans almost three years ago. Like you describe I think I took it fairly calmly at the time and didn't start to really process it until some time later.

You will want to talk this through with your own friends in order to understand it for yourself. Remember that whatever changes may be coming she is the same dad you always knew. Transition is different for everyone. If you are ready for the experience then you can expect some laughs and strange times ahead.

Good luck with it. Keep talking with your dad, and take what support you need where you can find it.

LegacyUser

Hi
Thanks for the replies everyone.
I am really struggling with it at the moment.
There's so many fecking questions about my own manhood, a complete reassessment of what gender means and all sorts of very difficult truths laid out because of it.
It's mad, you wouldn't even know you thought a certain way about things.
Is there anywhere for families of transgendered people to get some support?
My Dad has recommended I go see the clinical psychatrist in Clonakilty Co. Cork just to have someone whos not really involved explain it all a bit better.
But I think I need to speak to people who've been in the same situation.
Any ideas?
Thanks again for the kind words and support

Annasopra

I'm not aware of family support groups but TENI might know

www.teni.ie

tony81

Weird you mentioned baking a tart. Most women I know are terrible cooks so it's not as daft as you think that your dad baked. I mean, chop up a few apples, cover in sugar and pastry and that's an apple tart.

It's good to have a sense of humour and you're obviously using it to get you through a difficult time.

I think support groups are good for traumatic experiences but end of the day your dad needs real friends. Support groups are unnatural in some ways.. Just look at AA and their addiction to meetings. I fear trans support groups will have a worse problem in that they'll push and push for the big step of gender reassignment, then all that will be left is meetings of transsexuals trying to convince themselves they made the right decision. Also, ensure your dad does not abuse alcohol as that definitely puts hormones all over the place.

I feel your dad may benefit from counselling or therapy. End of the day he has a loving family and that's more than a lot of people have.

Annasopra

tony81 wrote: »

Weird you mentioned baking a tart. Most women I know are terrible cooks so it's not as daft as you think that your dad baked. I mean, chop up a few apples, cover in sugar and pastry and that's an apple tart.

It's good to have a sense of humour and you're obviously using it to get you through a difficult time.

I think support groups are good for traumatic experiences but end of the day your dad needs real friends. Support groups are unnatural in some ways.. Just look at AA and their addiction to meetings. I fear trans support groups will have a worse problem in that they'll push and push for the big step of gender reassignment, then all that will be left is meetings of transsexuals trying to convince themselves they made the right decision. Also, ensure your dad does not abuse alcohol as that definitely puts hormones all over the place.

I feel your dad may benefit from counselling or therapy. End of the day he has a loving family and that's more than a lot of people have.

Do you actually know anything about trans peer support groups or are you just making strange assumptions?

tony81

mango salsa wrote: »

Do you actually know anything trans peer support groups or are you just making strange assumptions?

I saw Transamerica if that counts.

And I've read plenty of the propaganda online.

Annasopra

tony81 wrote: »

I saw Transamerica if that counts.

And I've read plenty of the propaganda online.

No.

It doesn't count.

If you are just going to troll it might be best not to post in this thread.

Shakti

theres goes the new year optimism thanks tony

Aurongroove

Tony I believe your post(s) were ill informed, suspicious, assuming and complete rubbish.
and it leaves me wondering why you bothered at all.

Annasopra

Right ok folks, forget about Tony and respond to the OP please

richiek67

Hi THere,

Well it sounds like your off to a good start. I think in many of these situations its very good to try to have an open mind and be supportive. I have to say that its great that you all seem to support him. I think there are many many different people on this planet, some of us, I guess, have various whims and notions etc and desires that we don't generally like to share. For the most part I think that's just the way we are. Your Dad was great to come out and say something and fair play to you for not slagging him off.
I think these days, well I'd hope, that people are more understanding with these kind of things.
Nothing wrong with cooking either!! I can cook, apple tarts are a piece of piss!!! I cook quite a lot and I encourage my 3 sons too.

Keep on supporting and don't treat him any differently than you did before you found out. Why should you, he's still the same person I'm sure and probably likes doing MUCH of the same things.

Hope it helps

Javan

transgenderdad wrote: »

Hi
Thanks for the replies everyone.
I am really struggling with it at the moment.
There's so many fecking questions about my own manhood, a complete reassessment of what gender means and all sorts of very difficult truths laid out because of it.
It's mad, you wouldn't even know you thought a certain way about things.
Is there anywhere for families of transgendered people to get some support?
My Dad has recommended I go see the clinical psychatrist in Clonakilty Co. Cork just to have someone whos not really involved explain it all a bit better.
But I think I need to speak to people who've been in the same situation.
Any ideas?
Thanks again for the kind words and support

Hi again,

I'm no support group, but if you want to PM me I can compare notes with you.
As Mango Salsa said, look at TENI. There are also forums on transgender.ie and for some anonymous support you can always ring the Samaritans. I've used their service before and it can be helpful in a crisis.

If you are worried or conflicted then do look for support. If you have school or work mates that you can confide in then that is great. Otherwise you could start with your GP. Any doctor will know (or be able to find) support for you.

Look after yourself, and don't be a stranger.

Edit: One other idea: Go out with your dad as she is meeting other trans people. They will all have friends or partners who will understand what you are going through.