Deciding to cut ties with my mother

LegacyUser

My parents separated when I was 4 and got back together when I was 7. From the ages of 4 to 7, I had very sporadic contact with my father and I remember my mother talking sh*t about him constantly, even at that young age. I later found out that the lack of contact was due to my mother refusing to allow him to see me, and she goaded him, telling him he could see me and then refusing.
Anyway, they got back together, had another child, and split again when I was 15, this time for good. Since then, my mother has done the same thing she did to me, refusing to allow my father to see my sister and stomping around the house making derogatory remarks about him to my sister. My father won visitation rights through the courts but my sister, who is 13, refuses to see him, I believe largely due to my mother's whispers in her ear. He moved to the UK last year for work, and my mother then accused him of abandoning her, despite her refusing to ever see him.

My mother and I never got along. I got close to my father when he returned, and she's always resented this. She's made sneering comments about how I'm a 'daddy's girl' and told my sister not to bother as he clearly prefers me over her, and constantly reminds me she looked after me alone for 3 years. We argued all throughout my teenage years, and she has been what I can only describe as emotionally and physically abusive. She would call names and hit and slap me. From about the age of 14, I started to retaliate with the names, and our arguments would descend to mudslinging. She would hit and slap me (which she also does to my sister as a form of 'discipline') and when my father intervened she'd turn on him. She started to kick me out of the house from this age as well, after these arguments, and I'd leave and wander around the streets for a few hours before going home because I had no where else to go. I finally slapped her back when I was 16, after a particularly vicious episode where she attacked me with a shovel. After that, she stopped hitting me.

It all came to a head this Christmas, and I have decided that I want her out of my life for good. We had not spoken since August, I cracked and texted her Happy Christmas. She replied and invited me home for Christmas. Thinking it was a nice gesture, and honestly, not wanting to spend Christmas alone, I accepted. I went home determined not to argue.
On Christmas Day, myself and my sister were in the living room and I gave her the present my father had given to me for her. My sister opened it, and liked it and told me to tell my dad thanks. This is the first response she has made towards him in two years. Later in the day, my mother found out about the present and went mad. She was furious that I'd given my sister a present from my father, and screamed at me to mind my own business and told me I'd come home to aid him in his attempt to 'infiltrate' their lives and always taking his side. She made my sister give me back the present and told me to get out of her house.

I have decided enough is enough. It seems we are simply unable to coexist. I don't need my mother for anything. I'm at college and don't get the grant, but I work and pay my own rent and bills. I don't have a lot, but I manage. I definitely can't depend on her for emotional support. To be honest, one of the major reasons that has lead to me always caving in the past is how lonely it is to be separated from your family, and I've always been hopeful we can build something. I don't know what I'll do when I can't go to my home at Christmas or the summer (i cant go to my father's for separate issues). Also, quite selfish but I'm worried about what I'll do after I graduate. But I've decided that is simply not enough to have her in my life anymore. She is poisonous and toxic and it's draining trying to maintain any kind of relationship with her. Honestly, not seeing my sister will also not affect me too much as she has grown up to be quite like my mother and while I love her, I dislike her.

I have just turned 21 and I don't want to continue down this path as the stress is a lot to deal with. Does anyone have any experience being estranged from their parents at this age? I don't want her at my graduation, my marriage, honestly not even my funeral.

ABajaninCork

Your mother sounds very angry and bitter for whatever reason. She's now transferred her anger and bitterness on to your sister. These are their issues to deal with and not yours. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

Life is too short for such toxicity to be affecting your life. If you want to cut the strings with your mother, then do so. You owe her nothing, and do not deserve to lead a dog's life for a minute longer than necessary.

Your life is your own to do whatever you like. If you don't want to go home for Christmas? Don't! There's a lot to be said for spending Christmas by yourself. I've done it and can throughly recommend it! . You're self-sufficient - save up and go on holiday, take up a new hobby, get involved with the church - whatever you want. Go for it!!

I hope you find peace, whatever you decide to do and wish you luck.

CarMe

Wow OP I've been through many of the things you describe with my own mother and was estranged from her completely between the ages of 21 and 23.

My then estranged father got very sick and it looked like he might die so I texted her to let her know and from there she was wonderful support, I really must add, when our relationship and her mood was good it was very very good you know, and when it was bad it was horrid! So we rekindled our relationship, never living together again but became very close, then a few months in she got given six months to live but we went on to have a wonderful 8 months together, holidays abroad, there every step through my first pregnancy and got to hold my daughter just 11 days before she died. And of course because she's gone now and my heart was shattered, really really shattered, you'd probably think I would say if only we had those two years back but I wouldn't. I needed that space away from her, I had put up with more than any human should by someone who is supposed to love and care for them. I also don't think our time together at the end would have been what it was if I hadn't cut her off for those two years because she seemed to learn that's just not how you treat people, I couldn't have gone through the pain of her dying alongside the pain of her mentally torturing me.

So my advice would be for your own mental health, step away from it if you feel this is the last straw. Don't be full of hate for her, have pity that she must be very unhappy/unwell to act the way she does, it's no reflection on you at all and it's a testament to you that at your young age you can come on her rationally and outline how you're being treated, how you're feeling and what would be the best action etc.

I really wish you all the best,

skyfall2012

My parents split when I was young and the courts awarded my Dad custody. Anyhow, I have always longed for my mothers love (cried my eyes out watching the movie A.I. always felt like that robot).

I met her the other day she told me one of my sisters who lives abroad came home to stay a few days over the xmas with her. This sis fell out with her during her visit, because my mother left the house at 9am, told my sis she would be back by 1.30 and did not return until 4.30 and well basically my mother prioritised something not very important over her daughter whom she rarely sees.

There was years when I did not talk to her. But now my attitude is, 'that is who she is', I have not been able to change her over the years and now I believe I have to accept who she is and take the good bits and ignore the bad. Because there are some good bits and I know if she passed away I would regret not talking to her. But some of my sisters don't speak to her at all.

So you are not alone, there are others out there with the 'not so stereo typical Irish mother' that you hear so much about.

ScriptedAlibi

You don't have to make a big thing about cutting her out, just stop any communication between you and don't consider her as a part of your life.

I've done it. I don't regret it; never will. My mother was/is a disgraceful shell of a human being, stealing air from people who truly breathe. Some people just weren't meant to be parents and it doesn't make you a bad person not to want negative people in your life.

nadey

I'm 22 and I haven't spoken my mother in nearly a year best thing I have ever done

It's not worth all the stress / fights we had all because of her drinking problems and showing off in front of her so called friends

I've changed my number and my boyfriends so she can't contact us any more if I want to speak to my little brothers or dad I'd call them on private number or message them on Facebook

If I was you op I'd change your number as well and cut off all contact with your mam

Good luck

deisemum

It's nearly 10 years since I've had anything to do with my so called mother. The only regret I have is that I didn't cut her out of my life sooner than I did.

sarahnew

I have very recently cut my father out of my life and it is one of the bests things i have ever done.

Abi

I'm sorry to hear you have so much trouble with your mother, but I'm not sure this can be mended. She just seems so hell bent on hating and tarnishing your father, that you can never talk to your sister about him until she grows up and has a mind of her own.

Something else is going amiss here. You spent your life been mentally and physically abused, and it seems your sister is at times. Your mother has manipulated your father out of the chance to watch his children grow up and be part of his life, and never gave either of you the opportunity to see and judge him for yourselves.

The physical and mental abuse may still be happening to your sister. Even if your sister felt like seeing her father it will be met with anger, so she has no voice of her own either, just like when you were growing up.

Would you consider having a chat with child protection about this? I'd offer to meet up with them, and explain what has happened to you, and your sister. You really need to consider this, and I'd also have a chat with your Dad about it for support. He was given rights in court to see his children, and this access was not allowed.

There is bitterness and resentment in your mother, not to mention anger issues. Sadly, she is not ever going to accept that you or your sister have any kind of a relationship with your father, nor is there any possibility of any kind of mother / son relationship with you either, by the sounds of things, I'm sorry to say that.

I'd be concerned for your sisters welfare, and I'd want to help her to give her some kind of a relationship with her Dad. If I were in your shoes, I'd be looking at the bigger picture here. There was nobody to help you in your situation, but you can be there for your sister.


Best of luck OP.

Lorna123

You sound like you turned out a very good human being despite your upbringing. I really admire the way you are financing yourself through college without any grants and are able to finance your accommodation also. Well done, you are terrific. Now your mother could be slightly jealous of you and your relationship with your father and it would appear that your sister is afraid to rock the boat. I would stay away from your mother but try to keep in touch with your sister if you can, she probably needs your friendship but is afraid to go against your mother as she is not financially independent yet. I hope you have a good 2013 and don't worry about holidays and Christmasses. If you can get a job and have your own money you will sort all of that out. Keep your distance from your mother as much as you can and you will probably find her humours will improve when she hasn't seen you for a long time. Visit her occasionally but don't stay over.