How do I cut my Father out of my life?

girl95

Hi everyone, just had to come on here and hopefully get some advice. I've just spent all week with my Dad, he came over to see me and his only Grandson.He didnt want to come really because it would involve spending money on a flight from the UK. Because I lost my mother young, I was only 28, I feel like I have to invite my Dad because he would otherwise spend it alone. He is rude, totally self-centered, an alcoholic, ignores his Grandson, never says thanks for anything, stinks to high heaven, (I had to take ALL his clothes from his suitcase and wash them all and ask him to take a bath because he stunk of BO).

Ive just had enough, I invite him over every Christmas. he expects to be waited on hand and foot. I have one sister in Australia and the one time he went over to her he was the same. Ive just had enough of being treated like crap. Hes a total woman-hater too, constantly putting down all women, especially successful ones like Katie Taylor and he just wants to talk about himself. I'm just looking for advice if anyone has dealt with anything similar and what you did.

My heart is breaking, I love my Father but really dont like him. He led my mother and me and my sister a dog's life (they got divorced when I was a teenager). Please help and sorry for the long post. My family, especially my husband is very supportive and they put up with him for my sake but I just need an outside opinion, thanks.

a posse ad esse

Of course you love your father because he is your father. However this does not give him carte blanche to treat you the way he does with you and your sister. This does not obligate you to invite him over the holidays either. You have admitted that he does not want to be there so why bother?

You are married with your own family now. Focus on them and enjoy Christmas with those that are appreciative and treat you with respect.

deisemum

You are a role model for your children and if you want them to grow up to respect you then you need to show them that you will not be disrespected by your father and just tolerate it.

girl95

Thanks for the replies, I know what you are both saying is so very true. How do you cut someone out of your life who you love? When my sister and I was small my father was very good, and I think I am harking back to those days through rose-tinted glasses to excuse his awful behaviour now. He doesnt really have any friends bar the old soaks he meets up with back in England. So that says it all really. Has anyone had any experience of my situation would love to know how it was dealt with. And despite him I have a successful career in a job that I love and have tried to be the total opposite of him parenting wise.

One last thing, my father was orphaned at age 7 and his aunts took him in and looked after him from then on. My fathers emotional development seems have stopped from then on. His devastation at being alone in the world has made him needy and fear of abandonment. For instance when my mother decided to eventually divorce him after years of him losing jobs and drinking, he rang me up and threatened to commit suicide on the nearby train tracks. I was 16 years of age.

Fast forward many years later and my father has pulled all kinds of stunts like this, too numerous to mention.

WumBuster

Tbh, your father sounds like a very bitter man who has completely failed at life. sadly, its very hard to help people like him or get them to change. You are a grown up now and he's not your problem and you dont have to tolerate his crap anymore if you dont want to. If you want him out of your life completely as the title suggests,Just ring him up(or even go over to visit him) and tell him the same what you put in this thread, that you've had enough and you dont want him over here anymore, for christmas or otherwise. best of luck.

a posse ad esse

girl95 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies, I know what you are both saying is so very true. How do you cut someone out of your life who you love? When my sister and I was small my father was very good, and I think I am harking back to those days through rose-tinted glasses to excuse his awful behaviour now. He doesnt really have any friends bar the old soaks he meets up with back in England. So that says it all really. Has anyone had any experience of my situation would love to know how it was dealt with. And despite him I have a successful career in a job that I love and have tried to be the total opposite of him parenting wise.

One last thing, my father was orphaned at age 7 and his aunts took him in and looked after him from then on. My fathers emotional development seems have stopped from then on. His devastation at being alone in the world has made him needy and fear of abandonment. For instance when my mother decided to eventually divorce him after years of him losing jobs and drinking, he rang me up and threatened to commit suicide on the nearby train tracks. I was 16 years of age.

Fast forward many years later and my father has pulled all kinds of stunts like this, too numerous to mention.

OP, your father may have had a tough upbringing but this still doesn't excuse his atrocious behaviour. My cousin was abused by his father and treated like utter sh*te and this cousin is the gentlest soul and would not hurt a fly and not once have I heard him raise his voice to his own kids. So not everyone who experiences trauma or adversity turns out to be abusive.

You do not have to "cut him out of your life". You can do other things such as not invite him for Christmas and don't initiate contact simply because you feel bad for him. You are not his responsibilty you are responsible for your own child and husband which is your new family. Your father does know where to contact you if he wants. Stop calling and stop inviting him around. He can decide if he wants to keep in touch with you and have him take the initiative. If he doesn't contact you, please please do not take this at heart. He is a bitter man as one poster stated and this has no reflection on you. If he does decide to contact you, you need to be honest with yourself and to him that his behaviour is unacceptable and that you do not want your son exposed to such vitriol. You need to stress to him things need to change if he wants to continue to be a part of you and your family's life.

GRMA

Your father sounds like he is bitter and depressed.


Is it only at Christmas you see him/put up with him? If so I'd suggest putting up with it or just simply dont invite him rather than make a big deal out of it which could actually make more drama

looksee

You have a strong sense of obligation to your father, but he has an obligation to himself and to you. He has given up on that obligation.

You are free to stop contacting him any time you wish. You don't have to tell him, just leave him to initiate contact if he wishes. If he chooses to live a life of drinking and slovenliness that is his right, he is an adult. You are trying to impose your will on him.

If he contacts you and wants to come over to see you, then you decide whether you want him to come, that is two adults respecting each others' lives. Do not allow him to emotionally manipulate you with threats, you are entitled to live your life and look after your family without this kind of blackmail.

keithclancy

girl95 wrote: »

Ive just had enough, I invite him over every Christmas. he expects to be waited on hand and foot. I have one sister in Australia and the one time he went over to her he was the same. Ive just had enough of being treated like crap. Hes a total woman-hater too, constantly putting down all women, especially successful ones like Katie Taylor and he just wants to talk about himself. I'm just looking for advice if anyone has dealt with anything similar and what you did.

Perhaps show him how the washing machine works, give him jobs to do (e.g. peeling potatoes)

If he says thats 'womans work' tell him he's in your house so 'womens rules' apply.

Your only enabling his behaviour if you continue to go along with it.

Cutting off contact would be the last step but maybe try to change your behaviour to change his.

I don't mean your doing anything wrong in the slightest, just some people will walk all over you if you let them.

username123

My father was a horrible bullying smelly alcoholic and I estranged myself from him for a number of years before he died. I have never regretted it. He was an awful toxic individual. One thing the entire sorry experience has taught me is not to waste time on fools who are psychological vampires - the ones who just take and take emotionally and never give anything back. And blood is not thicker than water. Surround yourself with people who give you pleasure to be around, not people who make you feel bad. Life is short, so its best to live it as you want to and not as you feel you should. Its not setting a good example for your child to pander to this toxic individual either.

Luca Brasi

You know what you have to do. If you dont do it then you are just going to have this situation repeat every year till he dies. Life is too short to let family members destroy your happiness because they are ignorant and twisted