Friendship with colleague

LegacyUser

Just need a bit of advice about an awkward situation...

Basically, just wondering where I stand in a friendship. I started working in a new job 2 years ago and soon after, got quite friendly with one of my colleagues (slightly senior but not my direct boss). Let's call him M. He's a bit older than me and married. As we get on so well, I often drop into his office every day and have a chat for a few minutes, we'd often end up chatting at work drinks (which happen every 2-3 weeks), hug goodbye afterwards etc. The issue is that a couple of people have mentioned to me that M and I are very close, I guess insinuating that there's something going on. There isn't - he's married and I have a long term partner - but I hate to think that people are gossiping.

I've met M's wife a good few times - I've been to his house for dinner with my partner and she sometimes comes to the work drinks and she's always slightly frosty to me. Do you think she could be annoyed about the fact I'm so friendly with M?

I'm also confused as to where I stand - sometimes M is super friendly and tells me how sad he'll be when I leave the job next June, but then sometimes I feel like I'm just an acquaintance to him, whereas I'd consider him quite a good friend. He was one of the few people at work not to get me a birthday card or come to the drinks. I get that his wife is his priority, obviously and that's good...is it stupid to attempt a friendship with a guy who's slightly older and married? Do I just look like an annoying hanger-on?

Tigger99

Whatever about anything else, considering the circumstances, I think hugging him is inappropriate.

When you go for dinner with you and him, is his wife there? Is she frosty there as well, do you try and be friends with her? I find it off that he would invite you to their place & she wouldn't make you welcome if that's the case.

LegacyUser

Tigger99 wrote: »

Whatever about anything else, considering the circumstances, I think hugging him is inappropriate.

When you go for dinner with you and him, is his wife there? Is she frosty there as well, do you try and be friends with her? I find it off that he would invite you to their place & she wouldn't make you welcome if that's the case.

Really? It's a quick friend hug, not a lingering embrace and he always initiates it. He hugs me goodbye when his wife is there and she hugs me too. He doesn't really hug anyone else from work and that's why I think people are talking.

Yes, his wife is always there when I go for dinner and yes I try to be friends with her but I find it an effort. I think she's naturally quiet and standoffish. Nobody else at work seems to like her much. I quite like her but not sure she likes me. I get the feeling she might think I'm after her man because, to be fair, he is very good looking and he does have a lot of people after him. Thing is I have a partner of five years and I'm absolutely not the type to try to wreck a marriage or anything like that. I just want to be friends with him, that's all.

Lorna123

You want to be friends with this guy, and you are. Why would you be worried what others' think. Why are you worried, full stop? Are you hoping for more? If he doesn't turn up at your birthday bash it just means that he couldn't make it, nothing to worry about. There is a slight chance that he may think that you are after him and he is letting you know in a subtle way that all he wants is friendship and nothing more. He has a wife and you have a partner so there is nothing more to worry about. Is there?

2rkehij30qtza5

It's all inappropriate in my opinion. I can see why people would be talking.

CarMe

I find it so odd that you were up on Christmas night thinking about this, I was with my long term partner thinking how lucky I am, wonder why you were more concerned about this man...
Why are you even giving this so much thought? Friendship is friendship, his wife is probably frosty because you're coming across a little needy and thinks you have feelings for her husband-do you?, lots of friends hug but if it was really as nonchalant as you're making out then I don't think you'd even have included it in your post and mention that he doesn't hug other colleagues.

I reckon you need to pay attention to what's important in your life, office friendships are well and good but surely not something to be getting so worried about?

LegacyUser

Kristian Quiet Rakish wrote: »

It's all inappropriate in my opinion. I can see why people would be talking.

Why?

LegacyUser

CarMe wrote: »

I find it so odd that you were up on Christmas night thinking about this, I was with my long term partner thinking how lucky I am, wonder why you were more concerned about this man...
Why are you even giving this so much thought? Friendship is friendship, his wife is probably frosty because you're coming across a little needy and thinks you have feelings for her husband-do you?, lots of friends hug but if it was really as nonchalant as you're making out then I don't think you'd even have included it in your post and mention that he doesn't hug other colleagues.

I reckon you need to pay attention to what's important in your life, office friendships are well and good but surely not something to be getting so worried about?

I was on my own last night because I had to work Christmas Eve and Day. They've given me loads of last minute leave and days off this year for some family/medical issues, so I felt like I had to offer to do it, especially since I'm one of the few staff without kids. I'm not going to get to see my family or OH until the New Year

Giving it thought because I don't want to start the new year with people still gossiping. I've considered perhaps just stopping talking to him but then....why shouldn't I be friends with someone just because he's married? Am I breaking some sort of social rule here? In the past, all my friends have been my age so genuinely not sure why this isn't appropriate.

P. Breathnach

It's quite reasonable to be friendly with a work colleague. The facts that the colleague is a bit older than you, of different sex, and in a slightly senior position are irrelevant.

What might be a small issue is hugging one another in the presence of work colleagues, even if it's outside the workplace. If friendly hugs are not the norm in the group, the behaviour can stand out and draw attention.

I suspect that you might be reading too much into his wife's behaviour. If others also find her difficult, it might be a matter of her personality. She might be one of those people who find social interaction difficult. You say that you quite like her, but don't say why. Perhaps it is worth making an effort with her, independently of your friendship with her husband.

2rkehij30qtza5

colleaguefriend wrote: »

Why?

If the wife is frosty to you it's clear that she is not happy with how you are behaving towards her husband.

Hugging on front of work colleagues but yet you are the only one he hugs?

You feel that you see him more as a friend than he sees you..


Need I go on?.....

LegacyUser

P. Breathnach wrote: »

It's quite reasonable to be friendly with a work colleague. The facts that the colleague is a bit older than you, of different sex, and in a slightly senior position are irrelevant.

What might be a small issue is hugging one another in the presence of work colleagues, even if it's outside the workplace. If friendly hugs are not the norm in the group, the behaviour can stand out and draw attention.

I suspect that you might be reading too much into his wife's behaviour. If others also find her difficult, it might be a matter of her personality. She might be one of those people who find social interaction difficult. You say that you quite like her, but don't say why. Perhaps it is worth making an effort with her, independently of your friendship with her husband.

There are plenty of friendly hugs between other colleagues. I think people think there's something between us because we get on so well and spend quite a bit of time together. The ridiculous thing (to me) is that other girls in work DO flirt with him and make inappropriate comments. I suspect the issue might be that others can't see past his good looks and see that he's a cool person too? I get the impression they don't understand why I drop into him every day if I don't fancy him. I just like saying hi and having a quick chat about what's going on at work/in the world. We also both play a musical instrument and chat quite a bit about songs we're working on.

I do make a pretty big effort with his wife but she's one of those people you NEED to make an effort with, if you know what I mean? You feel like you're interrogating her when you ask her anything because she never asks anything back. She seems quite sweet, but definitely socially awkward. I really don't know if she likes me or not, it's hard to tell with people like that. She did add me on Facebook a week or two ago.

As to why I'm worried what others think, well I don't want to be unknowingly inappropriate and I definitely don't want any rumours to get to his wife or my OH. I can't stand work gossip.

2rkehij30qtza5

colleaguefriend wrote: »

As to why I'm worried what others think, well I don't want to be unknowingly inappropriate and I definitely don't want any rumours to get to his wife or my OH. I can't stand work gossip.

I think you are 'knowingly' being inappropriate..you wouldn't have ever posted this thread if you thought all was fine with that you are doing. The fact that you even have to ask other's opinions says enough to me.

LegacyUser

Kristian Quiet Rakish wrote: »

I think you are 'knowingly' being inappropriate..you wouldn't have ever posted this thread if you thought all was fine with that you are doing. The fact that you even have to ask other's opinions says enough to me.

Nope, I was genuinely shocked when the rumours started because I thought I had a normal friendship with someone I got on with. My partner has almost always been present at all the social events, so it's not as if anything underhand is going on. In fact, I'd say my partner is as good friends with him as I am. If people from work hadn't started gossiping, it wouldn't have entered my head that there was anything in any way inappropriate about this friendship.

sambuka41

colleaguefriend wrote: »

If people from work hadn't started gossiping, it wouldn't have entered my head that there was anything in any way inappropriate about this friendship.

But if you really felt that there was nothing then you would have just laughed at the rumours. I had a really good friendship with a female colleague years ago, rumours started that we were lesbians, I just laughed at that, because we are just really close friends, I didn't give a second thought to what about our friendship lead them to believe we were together.

You've gotten a bit defensive/ embarrassed about the rumours, maybe because behind it all there is some tiny part of you that thinks there is more to the friendship. If you didn't have that doubt you wouldn't be adding all these small things up together (wife, his comments about you leaving)

It's not easy but it sounds like you need to be more honest with yourself about your feelings/concerns.

Ando's Saggy Bottom

How much of this have you told your partner OP? Theres a part of me thinks that if you have to ask online about where you stand in this relationship then theres a part of you feels a bit guilty/ or maybe has some feelings for your colleague?

judgefudge

Although I agree with some others that its a bit weird for this to be bothering you so much, I'm going to assume you don't have feelings for this man.

You have said that his wife is a bit frosty towards you, but then you have also said that she's quite a standoffish person. Don't look into it so much. What does it matter? She's probably just a bit shy/standoffish like you say and doesn't warm to people very quickly. It should not be something that bothers you.

As for the gossips at work, this is always going to happen in work settings as far as I can see. Rumours are just that, rumours. They are in this case unfounded and as long as it stays that way who really cares? If you want to quell them maybe try to be a bit more professional with him in work (less chatting, less hugging) and keep the friendship part of your relationship for these dinners etc.

I would take some time and ask yourself if this is on your mind because you have feelings for him.

Meauldsegosha

OP I understand how you feel and I think some of the poster have been harsh on you. I was in a very similar situation with a younger male colleague. We socialised outside work both with and without our partners. Our partners were fully aware of the friendship as it appears yours are.

Like you I was completely unaware of the rumours until it was pointed out to me. Unfortunately these rumours are started by small-minded people who can't understand that men and women can have a platonic friendship. Their lives are so boring that they have to gossip about you. Don't let them stop the two of you being friends. Myself and my friend are still very much friends, in fact I'm going to his and his partners house tonight for drinks.

LegacyUser

I do have feelings, but not romantic feelings. More like platonic affection?

He messaged me on Facebook earlier and asked if I had any news - for some reason he seemed to think my boyfriend might propose to me - we've been talking about marriage a bit and together a long time. I said no, no news and he asked how my xmas had been, said he was looking forward to meeting myself and partner for a drink in the new year and finally said 'I love you guys, take care x' Is that weird?

CarMe

colleaguefriend wrote: »

I do have feelings, but not romantic feelings. More like platonic affection?

He messaged me on Facebook earlier and asked if I had any news - for some reason he seemed to think my boyfriend might propose to me - we've been talking about marriage a bit and together a long time. I said no, no news and he asked how my xmas had been, said he was looking forward to meeting myself and partner for a drink in the new year and finally said 'I love you guys, take care x' Is that weird?

Im starting to think the whole thing is weird. Seriously, concentrate on your partner and stop giving this little friendship so much head space! This is genuinely not supposed to sound bitchy but have you got many other friends? Maybe indulge in them for a bit too.

LegacyUser

Thing is, my partner and this guy are very good friends, so my partner is constantly talking about the friend, asking after him etc. Yes, I do have plenty of other friends but very rarely 'click' with someone as well as I do with this guy. Plenty of people to head out with and text, but I'm not sure they really know me.

armitage1971

colleaguefriend wrote: »

Thing is, my partner and this guy are very good friends, so my partner is constantly talking about the friend, asking after him etc. Yes, I do have plenty of other friends but very rarely 'click' with someone as well as I do with this guy. Plenty of people to head out with and text, but I'm not sure they really know me.[/Quote

I have been following this thread and tbh op it is really coming across as if you have romantic feelings for him your posts don't read as a platonic friendship maybe on his part but you really sound like you fancy him and its wrecking your head.

Forever Hopeful

colleaguefriend wrote: »

Just need a bit of advice about an awkward situation...

Basically, just wondering where I stand in a friendship. I started working in a new job 2 years ago and soon after, got quite friendly with one of my colleagues (slightly senior but not my direct boss). Let's call him M. He's a bit older than me and married. As we get on so well, I often drop into his office every day and have a chat for a few minutes, we'd often end up chatting at work drinks (which happen every 2-3 weeks), hug goodbye afterwards etc. The issue is that a couple of people have mentioned to me that M and I are very close, I guess insinuating that there's something going on. There isn't - he's married and I have a long term partner - but I hate to think that people are gossiping.

I've met M's wife a good few times - I've been to his house for dinner with my partner and she sometimes comes to the work drinks and she's always slightly frosty to me. Do you think she could be annoyed about the fact I'm so friendly with M?

I'm also confused as to where I stand - sometimes M is super friendly and tells me how sad he'll be when I leave the job next June, but then sometimes I feel like I'm just an acquaintance to him, whereas I'd consider him quite a good friend. He was one of the few people at work not to get me a birthday card or come to the drinks. I get that his wife is his priority, obviously and that's good...is it stupid to attempt a friendship with a guy who's slightly older and married? Do I just look like an annoying hanger-on?

I think you are looking for folks to say he's in love with you.
That's the reason why his wife is frosty as she is jealous of you.

Your latest comment about him asking via Facebook if you had news has made you jump to all sorts of conclusions.
I think you have feelings for him and are desperately looking for signs that its reciprocated.
Be honest with yourself. We are the best at deluding ourselves but if you really really loved your partner, you would be talking to him about this and not strangers, or it wouldn't even enter your head in the first place. Stop obsessing, be honest with yourself and focus on your partner.
The whole situation is weird and you are enjoying it when you could easily ignore it if your heart was in the right place.
People who are happy and in love don't even care about any of this.

Big Bag of Chips

I have to agree with the posters who are saying you seem to be looking for 'intention' or something, when there's nothing there.

Asking you is there any news? Is that not what most friends ask each other in conversation/to start a conversation?

I don't understand your question of 'where do you stand'? What do you mean by that?... You are his friend and work colleague, that's where you stand. Do you want to have a different stand?

Only you know if you feel more for him than friendship, but I think the fact that you noticed and it bothered you that he didn't give you a card and wasn't out for your birthday drinks might be showing more of an interest than you are admitting to yourself. Why did that bother you? Surely there were other friends who also missed it/couldn't make it... Why are you not as bothered about them?

I agree if you were happy, secure and confident in yourself, your relationship (with your bf!) and your friendship (with him), none of this would even be on your radar.

He's married, you are in a relationship.. if you are starting to question this friendship, maybe it's time to take a step back and reevaluate things. This should not be consuming you so much.

In a 'normal' friendship you should not be picking up on small, seemingly insignificant things and imagining them to have some greater meaning.

LegacyUser

I think people are misunderstanding me here. When he asked if I had 'news', he was asking whether my partner had proposed to me or not. That's what he meant. Not the normal 'any news?' you say to start a conversation.

As for where I stand, well with other friends, the level of friendship is pretty clear. This one seems to go between really close friends at times and acquaintances at other times. As for the birthday thing, I wasn't devastated or anything. I just thought it was odd that people who really are acquaintances made a huge effort to come out and the guy who I consider my best friend at work didn't even say happy birthday.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I'm not sure what you are asking or looking for here.

If it upset you that he didn't say happy birthday, and if he is THAT good a friend, why not say it to him?

Why not ask him what's going on instead of us who haven't a clue?!

Why not ask your boyfriend what he thinks about it/him?

Lots of people have given opinions, but you are dismissing most of it. We can't tell you, the only one that knows what he's thinking is him. If you really want to know what he's thinking you're going to have to ask him, or else keep letting your imagination run away with you.

I don't mean any of that to sound catty by the way.. I genuinely mean you don't seem to be getting satisfactory answers from us here, and the only place you will get those answers are by asking him.

Stavro Mueller

My (wild) guess is that he pulls back when he thinks that things are going too far or getting into territory he doesn't want it to go into. Or that he has heard the rumours too and doesn't want to damage his reputation or word to get back to his wife. Not getting you a birthday card or going to the drinks is a great way of demonstrating that ye aren't as close as rumours would suggest.

Lorna123

colleaguefriend wrote: »

Just need a bit of advice about an awkward situation...

Basically, just wondering where I stand in a friendship. I started working in a new job 2 years ago and soon after, got quite friendly with one of my colleagues (slightly senior but not my direct boss). Let's call him M. He's a bit older than me and married. As we get on so well, I often drop into his office every day and have a chat for a few minutes, we'd often end up chatting at work drinks (which happen every 2-3 weeks), hug goodbye afterwards etc. The issue is that a couple of people have mentioned to me that M and I are very close, I guess insinuating that there's something going on. There isn't - he's married and I have a long term partner - but I hate to think that people are gossiping.

I've met M's wife a good few times - I've been to his house for dinner with my partner and she sometimes comes to the work drinks and she's always slightly frosty to me. Do you think she could be annoyed about the fact I'm so friendly with M?

I'm also confused as to where I stand - sometimes M is super friendly and tells me how sad he'll be when I leave the job next June, but then sometimes I feel like I'm just an acquaintance to him, whereas I'd consider him quite a good friend. He was one of the few people at work not to get me a birthday card or come to the drinks. I get that his wife is his priority, obviously and that's good...is it stupid to attempt a friendship with a guy who's slightly older and married? Do I just look like an annoying hanger-on?

What I think is that this guy occasionally likes a bit of banter with you but other times he is too busy for it and it is these times that you seem to take offense at. He didn't get you a birthday card or go to your drinks party because he felt it was inappropriate to get you a card from him personally but if someone had approached him to sign a general card he might have done that. He didn't go for the drinks because he had something else more important to do. I see nothing wrong with any of that.

You are looking into this too deeply, why not just take him as you find him and keep smiling. Don't look for ulterior motives because there are none.

You will be out of there in 6 months so not worth another thought.

Neyite

colleaguefriend wrote: »

I think people are misunderstanding me here. When he asked if I had 'news', he was asking whether my partner had proposed to me or not. That's what he meant. Not the normal 'any news?' you say to start a conversation.

I get asked this every Christmas, birthday, Valentines Day, and after any trip away by an assortment of relatives and friends. Means absolutely nothing except that lots of long term partnerships get engaged at these times and people know that we are together forever and wonder when we will make it official. My partners brother asks this all the time, does this mean he is interested? Not in the slightest. He just wants a day out.

wrote:

As for where I stand, well with other friends, the level of friendship is pretty clear. This one seems to go between really close friends at times and acquaintances at other times. As for the birthday thing, I wasn't devastated or anything. I just thought it was odd that people who really are acquaintances made a huge effort to come out and the guy who I consider my best friend at work didn't even say happy birthday.

Maybe birthdays are not a big deal to him. Maybe as a married man he is careful to pull back in certain situations to try to quell the gossipers. You seem surprised at people wondering if there is more between you than friendship and trying to analyse your relationship yet you yourself are doing the same.

I think the reason that you cant see that this is as clear-cut as your other friendships is that it simply isnt. On your side, anyway. I'm not saying that either of you would ever cheat but can you honestly say that if both of you were entirely single and not colleagues, that you would not be attracted to him in the slightest?

There is no such thing as "The One" in my opinion. We encounter people with whom we have chemistry with all the time. Whether we act on it depends on circumstances, timing, and our availability. Decent people recognise it for what it is, and are never tempted to cheat, but there is that awareness of that chemistry always present under the surface, and sometimes others can pick up on it. Cheating happens when we decide that the chemistry we have with a person outside your relationship is worth exploring - especially when the existing relationship(s) has mundane or rough patches and one person is bored or dissatisfied.

If this is the case, I cant see the wife being too chuffed about it. I certainly would not be - all it takes is a bad patch in both relationships and a bit of booze thrown into the mix to destroy things for all involved.

Let me ask you this: if your partner felt this way about your friends wife, and was trying to define the relationship, being disappointed she wasn't out for his birthday, analysing others opinions, can you honestly say you would be comfortable with that? That you'd have no problem with them going out for drinks, or having lunches where they discuss deeply personal things?

This is why the wife is frosty. She does not trust you. She didn't add you on Facebook to befriend you- it was to find out more about you and him. I'm sure as the wife of a very good looking man she is no stranger to seeing him on the receiving end of female interest and if you are confused, imagine what she is thinking?

LegacyUser

I don't know what we'd happen if we were both single because we're not, so I haven't thought about any 'what if's'. I obviously see that he's attractive, everyone does, but not really my type for a boyfriend at all. He's also significantly older than me. So no, don't think so.

As for my boyfriend, he has loads of female friends and yes they do go out for lunch and drinks and talk about personal things (he doesn't talk about our relationship and neither do I with my friends). It doesn't bother me because I trust him.

Do people really add people on Facebook because theyr'e trying to find out stuff? I wouldn't do that. I got a fairly nice message from the wife wishing myself and my OH a merry christmas which I took to be genuine but now I don't know.

I might just pull back and forget about whatever 'this' is. It's not romantic and there's no chance of us having an affair but yes, there is chemistry there as friends, we get on very well and it's resulting in people gossiping. I don't think I've done anything wrong but the last thing I'd ever want to do is upset his wife and make things awkward.

Forever Hopeful

Op, you say a lot of women try and flirt with this guy and are inappropriate. Are they the gossipers? I think you are getting a great deal of satisfaction from your perceived priority of attention from this guy, what I mean is its a bit like school and the really cool guy in the class who everyone wants picks you over all the other pretty girls and now these girls are talking behind your back out of jealousy. The birthday scenario is daft IMO. Reading through the thread again, you are ignoring the obvious and reading into the hidden. How would you feel if you heard there was gossip about your partner hanging out of the hot married lady at work? You probably would say you'd laugh it off but seriously be honest with yourself....

LegacyUser

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

Op, you say a lot of women try and flirt with this guy and are inappropriate. Are they the gossipers? I think you are getting a great deal of satisfaction from your perceived priority of attention from this guy, what I mean is its a bit like school and the really cool guy in the class who everyone wants picks you over all the other pretty girls and now these girls are talking behind your back out of jealousy. The birthday scenario is daft IMO. Reading through the thread again, you are ignoring the obvious and reading into the hidden. How would you feel if you heard there was gossip about your partner hanging out of the hot married lady at work? You probably would say you'd laugh it off but seriously be honest with yourself....

Yes, they mostly are the gossipers and yes, I think you're right - they are jealous that he's more friendly with me. No, I don't get satisfaction from it. It's really annoying. I just want to chat to my mate without being stuck in the middle of some playground politics. Because they flirt with him, they assume that's what I'm doing. I don't think they realise that he's good friends with my partner and we hang out with him and his wife etc.

As for my partner, if I heard gossip, I'd ask him about it. No, I wouldn't be happy about it, but I'd just establish whether it was justified or whether some silly immature people were trying to stir.

CaraMay

From your last couple of posts you seem to be fairly sure of the position so why ask where you stand (first post)?

armitage1971

Op honestly time to cop yourself on imo its you thats very immature not these other people its very blatant from your posts you like this guy and are looking for people here to agree that is behaviour is odd and can only mean he likes you romantically the only issue here is your behaviour and the time and energy you are wasting overthinkinking your position with your colleague. Genuinely trying not to be so blunt but you don't seem to get it your posts read as you really fancy him

LegacyUser

armitage1971 wrote: »

Op honestly time to cop yourself on imo its you thats very immature not these other people its very blatant from your posts you like this guy and are looking for people here to agree that is behaviour is odd and can only mean he likes you romantically the only issue here is your behaviour and the time and energy you are wasting overthinkinking your position with your colleague. Genuinely trying not to be so blunt but you don't seem to get it your posts read as you really fancy him

How is just wanting to be friends with someone of the opposite sex immature? I don't fancy him. I like him and yes, I have a connection as a friend. If he were a woman, nobody would be gossiping. Am I just naive to think that it's possible to have a close friend of the opposite sex without things being weird and walking on eggshells?

Big Bag of Chips

OP - there's nothing immature about being friends with someone of the opposite sex.

The problem is your own immaturity!

You asked "where do I stand" - that's a very strange thing to ask about a friendship. Especially to ask strangers online!

We have no idea "where you stand" - if you want to know why sometimes he's very friendly with you, and why sometimes he's not, then you are going to have to ask him.. not us!

You are probably making more of an issue out of this than all the "jealous gossips" that you work with. You can be absolutely certain that this is not consuming their thoughts! Even if there's a bit of gossip (some might call it banter!) in the office, not one of them thinks about it once they get home. Yet, you are going on, and on, and on about it trying to find... I don't know what you are trying to find to be honest!

He is in a senior position to you in work - which means he probably has a heavier workload and more responsibilty than you - which means there are probably times where he is busier than you, and hasn't time to be chatting to you.

The immaturity people are talking about is your inability to see that there is nothing more to it than just that!

You think the girls in work are jealous. You think his wife is frosty towards you because she's jealous? You said you never had an issue with the friendship until people in work started talking. But if you were confident in your friendship you would have laughed it off as slagging.

But you are not confident in the friendship, hence your need to know "where you stand" and analyse his and everyone else's behaviour.


Edit:

colleaguework wrote: »

As for my partner, if I heard gossip, I'd ask him about it. No, I wouldn't be happy about it, but I'd just establish whether it was justified or whether some silly immature people were trying to stir.

But what if you found out that your partner was very friendly with her, dropping in for chats, annoyed that she didn't go out for his birthday and then trying to figure out "where he stands" with her?

How would that make you feel, and what would you think his true intentions were?
Would you be happy for him to maintain the friendship at that level, or would you like him to maybe step back a bit, out of resepct for you?

Maybe you are coming across wrong here, but it's the language that you are using, (and that is obviously all we, as readers, have to go on) which is making people think there is more to this than you are admitting to.

I'm not saying you fancy him, but maybe there's a little bit of "hero worship" or something going on here. Maybe you are a bit in awe of him, and desperate for him to want to be your friend. He is your friend, sometimes he's too busy to chat or go out (like in every other friendship in the world). You should be able to just accept that as part of your friendship and move on. And not question or worry about what you/he/everyone else thinks.

Overheal

colleaguework wrote: »

How is just wanting to be friends with someone of the opposite sex immature? I don't fancy him. I like him and yes, I have a connection as a friend. If he were a woman, nobody would be gossiping. Am I just naive to think that it's possible to have a close friend of the opposite sex without things being weird and walking on eggshells?

I have a huge peergroup @ work and it's normal to exchange hugs and harmless flirtations; people have even dated, etc. but when one of you is a superior it's a much more complicated issue and it comes down to conflict of interest. A former manager used to go drinking with some of the supervisors and regular employees and those 3-4 people formed a clique that, frankly, disrupted regular business. They are all gone, thankfully. I wound up knowing a manager outside of work via the gym and he even got too familiar with me, to the point where there was no professional barrier, and he'd sit and grief me with all his upper-management stress, which created a really bad work environment. He quit, and tbh a portion of that was me treating that like a two-way street, chewing him out for some really stupid hair-trigger decisions he was making that was making us do three times the amount of work we needed to be doing. Oh, and of the people that dated on the peer level, that's resulted in awkward love triangles and people who spend more time frisking each other in the break room than working. So that's sometimes a problem, too, but we aren't really talking about that here; just worth mentioning though.

Where possible, it's very important that you maintain the professional barriers with your superiors. It can lead to unfair preferential treatment, unfair transfer of stress, etc. that works both ways, and thats just **** I've seen personally in the last 12 months. That's not even the exhaustive list of possibilities.

You don't have to do anything overnight but keep in mind 4 options that I can see: Transfer, Promotion, Quit, or Squelch the friendship. Carrying on as is is not really an option. Clearly, this has become a problem as it is.

CaraMay

Did I miss a point stating that he is her superior?

judgefudge

CaraMay wrote: »

Did I miss a point stating that he is her superior?

It's in the OP. slightly senior but not her direct boss.