Heartbroken - what to do?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Don't even know why I'm writing on here, I guess I'm just looking for some outside the box advice or practical suggestions on how to get over this.

So this weekend just gone I find out my boyfriend of over 3 years has been frequenting dating/hook up sites and handing out his number to basically anyone he thinks is a female. I know this as when I realised he was on them I set up a fake profile with no picture and messaged him. Within one message he had given his number asking me to text him.

I got physically sick. I'm hurting so much since. I thought maybe he was just browsing, looking at pics, etc... but when I found out he gives his number out so randomly my world just crumbled.

Just last week everything was great, he asked was there anything special I'd like for christmas, said he couldn't wait to see me again. Then a week of no contact, him ignoring my messages. I had no idea why he was behaving like this. I guess my gut was telling me something was up. So I check his email/IM user name online and there he registered on up to 6 different pick up sites. Since then I have called messaged him and he is just ignoring me.

My heart is just in pieces. How could he do this to me at this time of year? I love this guy more than life itself, so I have now to resign myself to the fact that he doesn't want me and hasn't the guts to tell me.

I have done so much for him, I've leant him money for his business which he begged me for, promised to pay back, but I've not seen a penny back. I've been there for him through everything, yet this is all he thinks of me.

Eveyone tells me to move on and forget him, but how can I do that? I'm hurting so bad. Everytime my phone rings or bleeps I want it to be him. I can't stop crying and I dread that I have to tell my parents that my relationship is over coz I lost him to crap online sites.

Please, anyone gimme something to help me through this. I'm stupidly emotional as I write this. This is the guy who led me to believe we would have marraige and children really soon. Now nothing.

Sorry for the long post, thanks if you've managed to read through to the end

Lorna123

I think myself OP that this guy is sowing his wild oats. Men love to chase women but oftentimes the minute they get them they don't want them. He could be just amusing himself and seeing how far he can go with some of the women on these sites. I have to say it is very hard to meet "the one" on any of these sites.

Now I know that none of this helps you, because you are now suffering the disappointment that you cannot trust this guy. I would prefer to break up with him than to carry on always wondering if he is texting someone else.

I am sure he does love you and would probably want to marry you, but he cannot let go at the moment. He is still flirting around and this will only cause you heartache in the future.

Isn't it good that you found out and that you don't have to listen to any more of his lies. You have all the ammunition you need now to break up with him and even though you don't want it to be like this you will be better off.

Say goodbye to him and feel good about finding out before you were in any deeper. You are free now to meet someone who will not cheat on you. Best of Luck OP and hope you have a good 2013.

daisybelle2008

OP, you seem to be a bit of a soft touch with regards to this guy. As bad as you feel, letting him treat you so badly and yet still be willing to overlook does not really incentivise him to treat you better. People treat them how you let them.
Honestly you are well rid. Put yourself and your happiness first and forget about trying to buy or win this guys affection. He clearly wants a different lifestyle than you do.

nowyouresix

OP: hard as it is to have found out about him now, it's for the best that you have. He has been selfish, but now that you know, you have the opportunity of being free and, one day, finding someone who will be true to you. It's a blessing in disguise....I know you don't feel like that now, but someday you will.
Best of luck

CaraMay

He is not worth your tears. Firstly he doesn't have the manners to pay back hour loan, then he doesn't have the manners to answer your messages plus he is cheating on you.

You should be running home to tell your parents the good news that you got rid of this loser and then get a solicitors letter out to him demanding payment of the money he owes you. I would not let him away with 1c. if friends ask what happened tell them. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

LegacyUser

Thanks to you all who replied. I know someone elses pain is not the most fun reading at Christmas time

I know what I have to do. I know this guy is no good for me and to get any self confidence back I need to break free of him. Therein lies my problem - I just don't know how to do that. Hell, I've had relationship breakups before and have sailed through it. The difference being I never have been truely in love before, I am now. How do you get over being betrayed by someone you love so much and who said felt the same about you?

Some further details - he messaged me Christmas day saying sorry for not being in touch that he was so busy and signed off full of kisses. Idiot wasn't so busy to be online handing out his number to anyone that would take it.

In regards to the money, should I go the lawyer route or should I ask him for it myself, even though that would probably be a waste of time seeing as he hasn't paid it back by now.

I'm just so confused, hurt and low right now

CaraMay

Do you have a paper trail for the money he owes you? Can you prove it was a loan and is overdue for repayment?

If not you need up be cute til you get some proof even on email that he owes you the money.

Once you have that send a letter telling him he is dumped and demand payment. Give him 2 weeks to pay in full and go legal. He is not a good guy so protect yourself.

It should be easier to fall out of love with him given he has treated you so so badly.

LegacyUser

@CaraMay - I have multiple text messages from him begging me to help him by lending him the money, the amount, plus the date he said he would pay it back by.

Funny thing is, when I jokingly said "what if you don't pay it back?", he said "you have all these messages as proof". Ironic!

You would think it would be easier not to love him now, but it's not. This was the man I had my entire future planned with. Now I just see nothing for the future.

I guess he just likes his freedom too much, not that I wasn't giving him plenty free time. But I guess if he's an attention seeking player I can't change that

CaraMay

Ok get the texts printed out somehow. Send them in the post with a demand for the money and a timeline.

The only future to concentrate on now is getting your money back. After that you can cry for him but you need to focus now.

LegacyUser

Ok guys, I'm set on what to do to recover my money. It may work, it may not.

I still would love to hear some more views on my OP though?

Any males care to tell why a man would behave like this? Is this online pick up site stuff more common than I ever realised? Am I over-reacting and being too sensitive?

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to me

bakergirl91

OP I am truly sorry to hear this. However, it is becoming more and more common, happening to two friends in long term relationships. Run for the hills seriously ! Take legal action, get everything printed and backed up on a computer or something incase. Although I must say its not all just men that do this, a male friend went through a similar situation with his ex gf of two years. As hard as it is now, don't let it ruin your opinions of others, and good on you for facing the problem dead on and investigating your suspicions , many try to remain in denial! Best of luck to you! :-)

Podgers

CrapXmas12 wrote: »

Ok guys, I'm set on what to do to recover my money. It may work, it may not.

I still would love to hear some more views on my OP though?

Any males care to tell why a man would behave like this? Is this online pick up site stuff more common than I ever realised? Am I over-reacting and being too sensitive?

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to me

Hi OP, I very sorry to hear what your going though. over a year a go i was in a similar situation in a way. When you feel so strong about some its hard to accept that they would hurt you. i was led on for over 2 years and she even excepted my proposal house was been built etc while she was seeing other people. i started talking to people of what was going on and to get their point of view and went with my gut. a few months from now you will see things differently and it will be hell of a lot better for you!

To me this guy wants the best of both worlds, play the field and have you to run back to when it suits. Your far from over-reacting. He is only going to tell you what you want to hear to keep you sweet and he will drag this out because he doesn't have the courage to do what's right.

I would have to agree with the other posters a solicitors letter is the only way he will play ball with you, stand up to him and show him your not going to be used. Call the shots and stand up to him, its very easy to get pulled back in by them

daisybelle2008

CrapXmas12 wrote: »

Am I over-reacting and being too sensitive?

Why are you asking this OP. Are you looking to justify his behaviour?

The guy is a complete loser and waste of time. And he has practically dumped you by ignoring you for days :rolleyes:. You have been spared.

Don't invest anymore of your time thinking of him.

LegacyUser

@daisybelle2008 - I wish it were that easy. I wish there was a way I could just switch of my mind and not think about him. It's as if my emotions have just taken over all rational thought. I guess I'm panicing. So in fear of how lonely my life will be without him. Near four years is a long time to have someone a constant in your life and then for them just not to be there is a terrible shock. That with the fact that he has treated me so badly is enough to sent my confidence to the grave.

I miss him so much. At this stage I feel I will never be in another relationship, because no matter how good the man may be I will never trust again. I will never give my heart to anyone to have it trampled all over like this, cause that is too big a risk that I will never take again.

dellas1979

What you are going through is perfectly normal!

Ok-no one died (thank god), but breaking up with someone or even something like a friendship ending sends you into stages of grief. Maybe explaining it will help you understand that its normal.

Shock, denial, sadness, anger, more sadness (maybe go back over all those things again, a few times), and the eventually, acceptance. Thats the way it works...the way the process works. There are no time limits to each stage.

You will question everything! You will question yourself. You will doubt yoursef..."did I do something wrong?", "what could I have done differently?". More often than not, there are no answers, or youll never get any answers. Youll drive yourself nuts! Youll wish that you could escape your own head! Because, as you pointed out, your brain wont switch off. But the brain re-learns, slowly. (on a side point-you can train your brain to do anything...people do this with meditation etc. Its not instantaneous-thats why its called "training")

You need to move through these stages, and its how you do it that will move it along. Normally its talking your ass off (to friends or someone) and crying. And then it subsides. It will get easier. Out of 7 days you might have 4 crappy ones...as you move along...out of 7 days, you might have 2 crappy ones. And eventually, youll stop. You wont forget, but the intense feelings will stop.

If you are suffering self-esteem problems and confidence problems, I think it would be worthwhile you talking to someone. Someone who can help you put the pieces back together. When you are ready, you will put yourself back outthere. You will. You are only saying that now, because you are hurting.

Flutterby80

CrapXmas12 wrote: »

@daisybelle2008 - I wish it were that easy. I wish there was a way I could just switch of my mind and not think about him. It's as if my emotions have just taken over all rational thought. I guess I'm panicing. So in fear of how lonely my life will be without him. Near four years is a long time to have someone a constant in your life and then for them just not to be there is a terrible shock. That with the fact that he has treated me so badly is enough to sent my confidence to the grave.

I miss him so much. At this stage I feel I will never be in another relationship, because no matter how good the man may be I will never trust again. I will never give my heart to anyone to have it trampled all over like this, cause that is too big a risk that I will never take again.

I totally understand what your saying and how you are feeling because I'm going through a lot of the same emotion. What I'm going to try and do today is tell myself that all that hurt happened last year and that this is a fresh year with new possibilities. I'm not naive enough to think that something this simple will stop the negative thoughts from creeping in but it can't hurt. Also have you thought about writing down your thoughts and feelings? Getting them out of your mind and out of your chest and down on to paper? I find this helps , also I'm going to look into meditation classes this week as I hear they really work at calming the mind and helping control those constant thoughts that go round and round in our heads. Basically do anything and everything that you think might help you feel better and then when someone else does come along you will be a stronger person in a totally different place than where you are today.

daisybelle2008

CrapXmas12 wrote: »

@daisybelle2008 - I wish it were that easy. I wish there was a way I could just switch of my mind and not think about him. It's as if my emotions have just taken over all rational thought. I guess I'm panicing. So in fear of how lonely my life will be without him. Near four years is a long time to have someone a constant in your life and then for them just not to be there is a terrible shock. That with the fact that he has treated me so badly is enough to sent my confidence to the grave.

I miss him so much. At this stage I feel I will never be in another relationship, because no matter how good the man may be I will never trust again. I will never give my heart to anyone to have it trampled all over like this, cause that is too big a risk that I will never take again.

OP I think your confidence may have been low already. This guy has lied, cheated, ignored and stole from you. I struggle to believe how this behaviour is a recent phenomenon. You actually said to him about the loan, 'what if you don't pay it back?. That indicates that you knew this guy couldn't be trusted. How long have you been ignoring your doubts and gut instinct. You seem to be more in fear of being single than being in a relationship with this loser.
You really can trust you are better off without him. Honestly you just need to like yourself more. If you really liked yourself you would know happiness is not possible with him.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP I think your confidence may have been low already. This guy has lied, cheated, ignored and stole from you. I struggle to believe how this behaviour is a recent phenomenon. You actually said to him about the loan, 'what if you don't pay it back?. That indicates that you knew this guy couldn't be trusted. How long have you been ignoring your doubts and gut instinct. You seem to be more in fear of being single than being in a relationship with this loser.
You really can trust you are better off without him. Honestly you just need to like yourself more. If you really liked yourself you would know happiness is not possible with him.

Maybe you have hit some kind of nail on the head here!
I went into this relationship almost 4 years ago a super happy girl - confident, emotionally strong, and highly independent. He chased me down non stop for the first year, I wasn't playing hard to get, I was just enjoying life so much I wasn't sure if a relationship was for me. But, eventually I fell in love with him. We had a wonderfull time for the first 2 years.

This year just gone I guess I have had my suspicions. Not necessarily that he has been cheating, but the fact that he may be losing interest in me and seeking attention from other women. I have no idea he may have been on those pick up sites. So yes, I suppose my confidence has been flagging.

I feel, and people have told me that I have changed since we have been together... but isn't that what being in love does? It changes you. You grow up.

Maybe he has used me for money, comfort, a safety net since the day we got together, but all I know is - I have never been so happy, alive, or in love since I met him.

ibabe100

For god 's sake you lucky woman his no man stop the tears .put the lucky escape behind you imgaine if you had kids with him a marraige life of lies then you know what hurt is ..and finding out he sleeping around and kiss your kids goodnight You got used join the club .and you will find a good honest man minute you meet him you will know he wont hurt you he love the good person you are .don't let this fool ruin your life in any way any more .he ant worth it......

daisybelle2008

CrapXmas12 wrote: »

Maybe you have hit some kind of nail on the head here!
I went into this relationship almost 4 years ago a super happy girl - confident, emotionally strong, and highly independent. He chased me down non stop for the first year, I wasn't playing hard to get, I was just enjoying life so much I wasn't sure if a relationship was for me. But, eventually I fell in love with him. We had a wonderfull time for the first 2 years.

This year just gone I guess I have had my suspicions. Not necessarily that he has been cheating, but the fact that he may be losing interest in me and seeking attention from other women. I have no idea he may have been on those pick up sites. So yes, I suppose my confidence has been flagging.

I feel, and people have told me that I have changed since we have been together... but isn't that what being in love does? It changes you. You grow up.

Maybe he has used me for money, comfort, a safety net since the day we got together, but all I know is - I have never been so happy, alive, or in love since I met him.

You will get that happy confident girl back as long as you keep him well away from you.

ibabe100

You find your self again that happy woman who will find mr right if you dont move on he lure you back in say all the words you need to hear and he win and only use you again ..go out meet someone new show this loser the strong woman you are wash that loser out of your head ..go with your gut nxt time if u see him ..your gut feeling the way to go not your head or heart ..imagine all the woman his fooling teling them same lies ..lady you had very lucky escape credit your self with smelling a pure rat ...get your money back move on today stop leting him have control over you ..he be in touch with sorry and what the hell the word sorry about its used for every kind of thing it not good enough sorry is totally abused word by men........good luck....

nowyouresix

" he has used me for money, comfort, a safety net since the day we got together, but all I know is - I have never been so happy, alive, or in love since I met him."

.???????.
He's a liar and a cheat.
He has eroded your confidence.
He makes you feel like his crumbs of loving are all you deserve.

You are not a piece of chewing gum on the sole of his shoe girl.

You don't deserve that.

Break up with him now.... For yourself, so you can get back to being that girl you once were.

amacca

CrapXmas12 wrote: »

Ok guys, I'm set on what to do to recover my money. It may work, it may not.



Any males care to tell why a man would behave like this? Is this online pick up site stuff more common than I ever realised? Am I over-reacting and being too sensitive?

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to me

glad to hear you intend to try and get the money back...and no i don't think you are being over sensitive......I think you are justifiably hurt

Furthermore I am a man and i cant really understand how any worthwhile person with a bit of backbone be they male or female would behave like this.....it really is low life dishonorable stuff......1) not paying back the loan 2) not just telling you face to face he had lost interest but instead seeming to just string you along and use you

but, people do...its never justifiable but I hope it doesn't sour you on all men or stop you from trusting the person who could be decent (ironically its usually the decent well meaning one that gets it in the neck afterwards) and maybe i'm wrong but i would hazard a guess at saying there are a majority of men out there who are far from perfect but would never stoop as low as you have described that lad has..........my advice, let him go and don't take him back or you will always be the victim with him, cant actually believe I'm saying this as a guy but I feel its the truth

also......you are not alone if it helps, plenty of other people out there hurting....and as an aside I have never once in my adult life had a relationship with anyone I truly fell in love with but I never ever treated anyone i went out with like that regardless of how low I have felt about my situation at times (which i have lost any hope of it ever changing).

I hope it gets better for you and I hope you meet a decent person you feel the same way about.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for all the replies, and it's good to know there are others feeling like I feel and have come out the other side.

Things have gotten even harder, as he is back being so sweet to me, showering me with gifts, telling me no woman will ever come close to me. I guess his online dalliances have not been as amazing as he had hoped.
I do not even know if he has met up with any women from these sites. My gut tells me he hasn't and is just using it to text/IM. He obviously has the "needs constant attention" disease, and needs it from as many sources as possible.
Just to clarify - he has no idea I know he is on these sites.

I guess I am naturally suspecious and maybe even paranoid, hence me checking up on him.
How many women are out there with their boyfriends frequenting these sites and they have no clue that their men are up to this. I imagine with the internet this has to be quite common.

Of course he isn't perfect and we have always had a tempestious, passionate relationship. I just don't think I can fight chemistry and walk away from him.

If anyone has a magic spell for walking away please tell me!!!

CaraMay

Since you have ignored all the above advice, there is nothing more anyone can say to make you see sense.

ABajaninCork

You know, we have a saying in Barbados. If you can't hear, you must feel! You've been told the same thing over and over, and you're just making excuses for the tool.

It's time you put on your big girl's pants. **** the gifts and being sweet. He's only doing that to keep you onside so that you won't call for your money.

I would get legal on his no-good ass. Dump the loser. Send a solicitor's letter, along with copies of the texts (If you had the sense to keep them), and demand payment of your hard-earned. In that order.

saiint

CrapXmas12 wrote: »

Ok guys, I'm set on what to do to recover my money. It may work, it may not.

I still would love to hear some more views on my OP though?

Any males care to tell why a man would behave like this? Is this online pick up site stuff more common than I ever realised? Am I over-reacting and being too sensitive?

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to me

i certainly can
male species (being serious here) males were actually made (scientifically) for mating purposes
in other words having sex with as many women as we can
because our hormones are just like that
in every mans mind no matter how committed they are
they will think at one stage wonder what my life would be like if i wasnt with her
its like when a man walks down a street and sees a nice looking girl
if hes with his friends they will say shes georgous and all
if hes with his misses (some look away) most just cant help but look
but thats no cheating its just saying you find them attractive but were not acting on our urges
me and my gf have this thing where we say (we can look but cant touch) very usefull :L because i certainly cant help it but at the same time i would never dream of talking to another girl ina way only meant for my girlfriend

most males who are in a relationship like meself ignore this because we love our partners and dont want to hurt them
others like to have a fantasy about it and use dating sites and texting girls to fulfill this fantasy and dont take it any further then that

and unfortunatly theirs others who just like to cheat but want to remain with the women but would like to have a sexual relationship with other women as well

you op is ignoring you
its obvious he is ashamed of himself and feels embarressed about it
other wise he would talk to you
maybe it was just a fantasy for him? or maybe he was just trying to cheat on you

either way you should try contact him one more time
if theirs no response then just wait
if he really loves you he will get back in contact with you , when he bites the bullet so to speak

best of luck op

DangerMouse27

I think you have forgiven him already


Which is good if thats whats meant to be? But not so, if you want to protect those lovely emotions and feelings that make you who you are.

He was on the sites to find sex. Its not for attention, you can get that from human girls in shops and clubs.
That he sent his number to your first message, thats an alarm bell and a half. If he does that to no picture then God knows who he has slept with. And we are talking sexually transmitted diseases here too. You literally have no idea where he has been.

Your previous message was so full of inconsistency, it feels like you are re-counting his excuses to us. "needs constant attention disease" what utter bull****, im sorry.

So many posts on this site, recount your tale but these women have three and four kids and have been married for a few years. They feel that the guy has strayed because a spark was lost in their marriage.

If he is straying or frequenting dating/hook up sites, and your in the best stage of a relationship when you should be devoted to each other??

It should not be that hard to walk from this one, in context.

Take care.
The hard calls now, may pay off in the long term.