depressed and losing her

LegacyUser

Hey All,

first time here and need some urgent advise..... have been with my partner for a few years and it looks like are going separate ways..... things havent been going well for a long time and i think its basically down to me becoming more and more depressed with life....she's had enough of my low moods and has distanced herself away from me gradually. I don't blame her in any way shape or form, she's an absolutely amazing person and it's breaking my heart thinking i'm losing her. My mood since we talked has been so up and down, relief in some ways that it came to a head to utter dispair at the thoughts of losing her.... i feel like a boat adrift without her.... she was my rock in many ways and i took her for granted...
Basically im so confused about my feelings its eating me up inside..... I dont know if my unhappiness is down to depression or the depression is down to the relationship.... i mean some days we get on like a house on fire the next i can't function in it... i've been to conselling which helped me cope with things to an extent but i think i need a more permanent solution....i'm so sad right now and struggling to hold it together, i have an awful weight of guilt on my shoulders from hurting her too

nowyouresix

Op: please don't do anything rash. I'm really concerned about your permanent solution reference.
Regardless of how your relationship has broken down, or who's to fault etc, you CAN get through this.
I know when my marriage dissolved often I used to have to sit on the floor for fear of falling over...often I couldn't breathe for all the emotional pain, but I got through it.
It just took time.
I wish you all the best...good luck, and stay safe xxx

cantdecide

Have you told her all this in the terms above? Does she know you love her and are afraid of losing her? Does she know that you are trying to find the help you need so you can be a better person? It sounds like you are only at the start of a process and are maybe not committed to it? How far are you willing to go to get well?

WhatNowForUs?

You have said that counselling has helped so keep going. You feel that she has been your backbone-try to do something that you enjoy which is independent of her. Keep telling yourself that you are a good person which you are by what I have read. Take each step at a time and don't be so hard on yourself.

LegacyUser

nowyouresix wrote: »

Op: please don't do anything rash. I'm really concerned about your permanent solution reference.
Regardless of how your relationship has broken down, or who's to fault etc, you CAN get through this.
I know when my marriage dissolved often I used to have to sit on the floor for fear of falling over...often I couldn't breathe for all the emotional pain, but I got through it.
It just took time.
I wish you all the best...good luck, and stay safe xxx

i'm sorry if that sounded ominous, it wasn't meant that way.... i mean like trying some medication..... counselling and exercise has got me through some tough times but i don't think i'm strong enough to maintain it sometimes, and i have relapsed recently...

LegacyUser

cantdecide wrote: »

Have you told her all this in the terms above? Does she know you love her and are afraid of losing her? Does she know that you are trying to find the help you need so you can be a better person? It sounds like you are only at the start of a process and are maybe not committed to it? How far are you willing to go to get well?

yes i told her but as it usually comes out at the point of breakup which has happened a few times now..... i actually feel so guilty that it has happened so many times.... each time i say im going to try and get better but then it happens again.... i want to get better to function as a normal person in a normal relationship.... i dont know why i end up in the same place...it's awful for me and her.... I so scared that we end up in the same place in another six months, she is too....

the funny thing is that as i type this i feel like the world has lifted off my shoulders, so much emotion came out

LegacyUser

WhatNowForUs? wrote: »

You have said that counselling has helped so keep going. You feel that she has been your backbone-try to do something that you enjoy which is independent of her. Keep telling yourself that you are a good person which you are by what I have read. Take each step at a time and don't be so hard on yourself.

counselling was good but i cant go forever.... i actually can't function with the low moods at times, i dont know if medication will help though but im willing to give it a try... being hard on myself is my big pastime now

nowyouresix

OP: phew....:) you had me worried !!!
Am glad you are feeling some relief.
Hope everything works out for you

cantdecide

downanddontknowwhattodo wrote: »

yes i told her but as it usually comes out at the point of breakup ....the funny thing is that as i type this i feel like the world has lifted off my shoulders, so much emotion came out

If I were you, I wouldn't wait until next time. Tell her how you feel about everything and how no matter what ups and downs that come both of your way and what you may say in the heat of the moment, that all of the above applies and always will. Now is the time to do this; not when you're on your knees and you want to tear everything around down.

sffc

Have you ever considered the reason for your depression may be you are with someone who doesn't love and believe in you?
From personal experience I know it's dangerous to measure everything by how your partner feels about you . In short maybe it's not depression thats the cause of the relationship problems but the relationship problems that are causing the depression.

LegacyUser

sffc wrote: »

Have you ever considered the reason for your depression may be you are with someone who doesn't love and believe in you?
From personal experience I know it's dangerous to measure everything by how your partner feels about you . In short maybe it's not depression thats the cause of the relationship problems but the relationship problems that are causing the depression.

no never thought that at all, she told me a lot how much she adores/loves me too.... but yeah sometimes when im down i feel like there is nothing there for me anymore which confuses me because other times when we get on i feel great about us... i am predisposed to depression i know that now because i have had bouts before we ever met... i guess when i get like that its makes me think of everything negatively especially her.... i dont fancy her anymore, we dont get on, there's no future, im bored et

sffc

depressedanddontknowwhattodo wrote: »

no never thought that at all, she told me a lot how much she adores/loves me too.... but yeah sometimes when im down i feel like there is nothing there for me anymore which confuses me because other times when we get on i feel great about us... i am predisposed to depression i know that now because i have had bouts before we ever met... i guess when i get like that its makes me think of everything negatively especially her.... i dont fancy her anymore, we dont get on, there's no future, im bored et

Whenever I'm down my new gf of a year tells me how good I am and how I'll overcome xyz problem. I feel a million dollars and do the same for her. My ex told me it was my fault basically. Years of being put down because she didn't love me although she said she did. Be very careful OP.

LegacyUser

OP I am the female partner in a situation like yours. Things have ended again for us too, I think that it may be permanent this time or at least that we need to sort many things out to get to a place where we could work. I love the bones of my ex. He is my world and I adore him. As yet I can't imagine a future without him in it. I didn't think that this depression could break us but it has although it was a major factor I don't think it was the only one.

When the dark clouds of depression start to move in on him he goes into his own world, in order to protect me I think. He knows that these negative thoughts are consuming him and then distances himself so as not to hurt me. I want to be strong and independent to allow him to process all that is happening in his head so I withdraw into whatever I can while he works at this. It seems that I took the withdrawal too far this time. I was in a low place at the same time that he was so we couldn't be there for each other. Now the bottom has fallen out of my world. I don't hold the split against my ex in anyway though. I think it needed to happen as we were drifting apart. It has allowed me to deal with my own issues. I have sobbed and cried and released so much pent up emotion I have frightened myself. I had numbed myself during the relationship and I think I will regret it forever.

I generally feel that I am a strong person but if this hits at a time when I am in my own weak time then our world falls apart (dramatic words I know but that is the sensation).

There have been moments since the split that I have felt relief too. Space for myself a chance to focus on me and making myself a better person to learn to love myself again not this hollow shell he was living with. I am learning to value my own feelings and that we can't be everything to each other.

I can't plan my future though as I know that I am not yet in a place where I can make a sound decision for myself but I would be prepared to work at things slowly if he was willing. I don't know if the same can be said for my ex he seems ready to try a world without me.

If that is what makes him happy then I have to get on board with it and figure out a future of my own without him.
All I can say is that you have to tell her how you feel. My ex has started to talk after counselling . You say that counselling can't go on forever but if there are communication techniques that can be learned and walls of defence that can be torn down to open your heart to one another then it could work. You could both identify when there is a need for counselling and use it as required. Are you doing anything different this time to any previous break ups? Don't feel guilty for putting her through this you wouldn't be doing this without reason. I wish you luck whichever way you decide. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

LegacyUser

Ihavewalkedinthoseshoes wrote: »

OP I am the female partner in a situation like yours. Things have ended again for us too, I think that it may be permanent this time or at least that we need to sort many things out to get to a place where we could work. I love the bones of my ex. He is my world and I adore him. As yet I can't imagine a future without him in it. I didn't think that this depression could break us but it has although it was a major factor I don't think it was the only one.

When the dark clouds of depression start to move in on him he goes into his own world, in order to protect me I think. He knows that these negative thoughts are consuming him and then distances himself so as not to hurt me. I want to be strong and independent to allow him to process all that is happening in his head so I withdraw into whatever I can while he works at this. It seems that I took the withdrawal too far this time. I was in a low place at the same time that he was so we couldn't be there for each other. Now the bottom has fallen out of my world. I don't hold the split against my ex in anyway though. I think it needed to happen as we were drifting apart. It has allowed me to deal with my own issues. I have sobbed and cried and released so much pent up emotion I have frightened myself. I had numbed myself during the relationship and I think I will regret it forever.

I generally feel that I am a strong person but if this hits at a time when I am in my own weak time then our world falls apart (dramatic words I know but that is the sensation).

There have been moments since the split that I have felt relief too. Space for myself a chance to focus on me and making myself a better person to learn to love myself again not this hollow shell he was living with. I am learning to value my own feelings and that we can't be everything to each other.

I can't plan my future though as I know that I am not yet in a place where I can make a sound decision for myself but I would be prepared to work at things slowly if he was willing. I don't know if the same can be said for my ex he seems ready to try a world without me.

If that is what makes him happy then I have to get on board with it and figure out a future of my own without him.
All I can say is that you have to tell her how you feel. My ex has started to talk after counselling . You say that counselling can't go on forever but if there are communication techniques that can be learned and walls of defence that can be torn down to open your heart to one another then it could work. You could both identify when there is a need for counselling and use it as required. Are you doing anything different this time to any previous break ups? Don't feel guilty for putting her through this you wouldn't be doing this without reason. I wish you luck whichever way you decide. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

hi...thanks very much for sharing this....